Jimmi's Observation Blog

100 pictures in 100 days - Days 11 to 20

2011-10-11T11:42:00.001+01:00

And so continues my quest into showing people unnecessary pictures of things! For fun!

Day Eleven: Since my Red book of ideas got recognition, I thought I'd show you my pink book. This one is more technical, featuring amplifier settings, pedal settings and keyboard and synth programming patches.

Day Twelve: Rowan came over to visit and we went to Rochester. Here he is taking a photo of the old castle!

Day Thirteen: The first emergency photo. During a trip out to town with my Dad and my Sister, we came across many cars on Brayford Wharf back in my hometown of Lincoln. One of the more spectacular cars was this vintage and very well looked after E-Type Jaguar!

Day Fourteen: I'm really liking these southern sunsets!

Day Fifteen: Kat, my friend from Uni drew a treble clef on my arm. Unluckily (or should it be luckily considering it could have been there forever) it was done in whiteboard marker so it came off in the wash. However, I immortalised it before it vanished; capturing it forever!

Day Sixteen: My wireless Acer keyboard - the one that came with fancy touch screen computer - decided it had had enough of living and died so I had to buy this Microsoft one. Which is better!

Day Seventeen: Some guys from Uni, including me, went over to Raphael's house for 13 hours of awesomeness that was the Star Wars Marathon. All 6 back to back, with breaks, and I was the only one who stayed awake through them all! Starting at 17:20 ish, when this photo was taken and finishing at 7:30 the next morning. But never again. I've done it once!

Day Eighteen: This the Medway tunnel that goes under the river. It is the way how to get in and out of city rather than going around the boring way!

Day Nineteen: This is a green light. There's not much more I can say about this, literally speaking...

Day Twenty: Just over four years ago, I decided my skills had excelled the range of my budget guitar and decided to treat myself to a brand new one. I knew what I wanted and went out to buy a re-issue 1972 Fender Telecaster Deluxe. Four years on, it's still going strong, sounding great and is ready for the upcoming years. I freaking love this instrument!

Hmmm, only 80, that's not too bad! Oooh, de ja vu!

100 pictures in 100 days - Day 1 to 10

2011-10-11T11:17:00.000+01:00

Here are my first 10 days worth of pictures. Have a look though them

Day one: This was taken not too for away from my lecture rooms at my university in the historic dockyards at Chatham. Its not every day you see heavy artillery outside the front door of what basically is a classroom, unless its a school with very serious problems...

Day two: This Tyrannosaurus-Alan who headlined Medfest. l fell over and hurt my elbow.

Day Three: This is what the sunsets are like down south. There's another one a bit further on. This was taken in the same place as Medfest which is by the river Medway near Chatham. Don't you just love burning reflective sunsets?

Day Four: I tried to recreate a cool effect that went very well a few years ago. This just looks like a picture of the inside of a beer bottle. And that's because it is...

Day Five: As part of my introduction to the Music Technology course, the university had a meet up with all the arts students at a pub (where else, we're students). These are the quays on the way to said pub.

Day Six: Ha, the fun you can have with homophones!

Day Seven:...And Rhymes!

Day Eight: Bang it on two slices of toast and job is a good'un!

Day Nine: I don't think I'll ever get tired of walking to lectures and seminars and seeing the glory that is HMS Cavalier on my way!

Day Ten: This is my ideas book. I take it everywhere because I never know when inspiration for songs may come. It is a very handy weapon in my musical artillery and is full of phrases, things people say and what I think. It is essentially the start of my songwriting process!

10 down, 90 more to go. Oh my days!

100 Pictures in 100 Days

2011-09-21T00:00:00.000+01:00

I've challenged myself to capture moments from my everyday life. You see, on Thursday the 22nd of September (tomorrow!), there will be 100 days left until 2012. This could act as like a countdown to the new year, I think so these photos could be anything from the past year or from the present day. I'll be uploading them to right here on the blog, via a TwitPic and in an album on Facebook; all hopefully with a hilarious caption, maybe. And that would mean by the end of the year, I'll get another 100 posts. Either way, wish me luck in this crazy challenge!

Kids With Stupid Names

2011-09-07T00:01:00.002+01:00

Your name. People use it but you don't. You are stuck with it for life. You CAN change it but it won't be the same; to your mum, dad, family and close friends, you'll be that and that only. You can, like me, go by a variant which can ultimately suite your persona better (I personally think 2 'M's and 2 'I's over 2 syllables are funkier. It is also fun for me to sign my name). I know a few people who have names that you only come across very often. My father for example. It's a unique name to him and the people he knows probably don't know of another person with his name. And besides, he's not a kid anymore so his name is exempt from this list. I've been working as a party host and with it comes a great load of paper work and not a lot of money. Within the paper work, we have invitations and in there is a chance for a brilliant wheeze at names alone. Because I had to sort out stickers, I got a chance to look through the names of all these kids ridiculed by their own name. Maybe it's a common thing or maybe I have a one dimensional sort of humour...It's the former, I know.

Celebrity Kids with Stupid Names
Because you're famous and have lots of money you can do almost do whatever you want, buy whatever you want, whenever, all of the time. You can buy a yacht and bury it and no one would think you're a window licker because you are famous and have a bank account full of bullion. HOWEVER, because you are in the public eye, it doesn't mean to say you can go around naming your children what the bleeding hell you like. Because, the famous people who do, look like window lickers. You can look through any internet site and find a mass of stupid names from celebrity parents. The Beckhams, the Geldofs and the Zappas. Go have a look; I just don't want to be blatantly copying other sites.

So what if you aren't a window-licking celebrity?
Well, put simply you're just a window licker but in the general public. These sorts of people like to give their children tasteless, despicable names. It would be a pretty lousy entry to the blog if it just consisted of link to another website. So, I did my own research. Here are just some of the most awful, nasty names given to children I have seen in the long 2 months of working at this place.

Garvey - This name was found and I stumbled when I saw it. I thought someone had got the wrong end of the stick and put the surname in the where it said 'child's name' on the form but I checked over when it was first booked and to my surprise, it was there as well. Garvey doesn't sound like a particularly intelligent name on both the child and parents side. It's like they couldn't agree on Gary or Harvey so they stuck them both together to create this. Why did they stick the wrong ends too? They could have gone with the HAR of Harvey and the RY of Gary to create HARRY!
*Note: Garvey actually means 'Rough Piece' which is a fantastic name for child!

Scarlotte - And it isn't just the boys either. In the Lincolnshire Echo, they run a yearly competition for best baby photos or something, and I was flicking through, inspired by these silly names and I tried to find the silliest. And I did! It just looks like very poor spelling when you merge Charlotte and Scarlett. Maybe they thought that because they both rhyme, it wouldn't be a problem. Well, I'm telling you, it is. You don't spell Scarlett like that. The most ambitious you get with the name Scarlett is by adding the extra T to turn from the colour red, into a name. Just ask Scarlett Johansson. Again, like it's been badly welded together. By a blind man! And speaking of misspelling...

Rylee - There's spelling differently and then there's spelling it wrong. Jimmi is spelt differently to Jimmy but both are acceptable. But I don't spell my name Jymmee. Mainly because it just looks like I've fallen asleep on my keyboard but mostly it looks like it should be pronounced 'Jiymee.' It should be spelt Riley; you can see the how the name is composed. With Rylee, it looks like someone has an idiotic parent who thought two E's are better than an e and a y. So that must mean they use the words Jockee, Hokee Cokee, Lacee, obee and quite aptly Loonee.

Fflyr - This first looked like another keyboard/insomnia event. Then I thought it was a Welsh name so I hit good old Google to try and find in a list of names. I was surprised that even Google was struggling. It so desperately wanted to look for 'flyer.' I don't even know how it's pronounced. I want to say 'fler' but now Google has got the idea into my head, I can't stop seeing Flyer.

Destiny - Destiny is probably the backbone of Horoscopes which I discovered are a load of boswellox. Miley Cyrus' real name is Destiny Hope which is basically Billy Ray thinking 'Believe and hope this is gonna work out.' Besides, I don't believe in Destiny, as I found out...

Cordillia - On the party list, this name was down as Cordy. It wasn't a misspelling so it wasn't Cardy or Curdy or Gordy as I thought. Turns out it was short for Cordillia which I think sounds like the most upper class name ever. Not Cordelia, with an e, this is Cordillia with an I. And that changes the pronunciation completely. Again like Flyer, Google desperately wants to find Cordelia. And now it, and the fact Google can't find her, is going to be the bane of her life for ever. Cordy really does sum impressions of a gadget that keeps your computer cables untangled and tidy.

Templar - Aren't they Knights? Templar is supposed to be a boys name symbolising 'Temple'. Great...People named after head components. So, soon expect the family to be joined by Forehead, Crown, Nape and Cranium.

Summer and Autumn - Going back to the Lincolnshire Echo thing, I found there was an unsettling rise in babies and young kids with the names Summer and Autumn. Summer is a sunny season; the sunniest, so maybe that will be reflected in the kids personality. Still doesn't mean it should be done. Autumn is worse because it's the changing from Summer into Winter. Maybe the parents of this particular child were thinking that the name Autumn could reflect their child's personality, like Summer. They think Autumn is about the colours, the serenity, the calm. More like the calm before the storm! Autumn is colder than Summer. Autumn has more rain. Autumn has more cold days. Autumn also has lazier days and earlier nights. And then there's the fact that Spring and Winter don't even get a look in. I mean why not? People are clearly using two months, why not use the other two? "Winter! Your dinner is ready!" Or "come down stairs, Spring!" Imagine if they had 4 kids all named after seasons. That'd get confusing. "Summer, you can't go outside because Winter is playing outside. You two always fight. You can play with Spring and Autumn because they're closer to you than Winter. Winter's a bitch anyway. She destroys the roads, closes the schools and bursts water pipes. Although Summer does have a habit of burning people..." like the serial arsonist that kid is clearly going to grow up to be.

And then we come to names from the Bibble. Names like Moses and Noah. Names go with the zietgiest - signs of the times. Back in the biblical era, Moses and Noah were highly influential people, as I'm sure you're aware. Moses handed down the commandments - the rules for a good life; whereas Noah saved the animals from a flood God sent as a punishment. Nowadays, Noah (or Noa, as I've come across (not even spelt correctly)) and Moses are everywhere. Any one of them could be as influential but not all 500* of them in Lincoln alone!

*Slight exaggeration

So, if you're going to take any of my information and any insight from my highly intelligent blog post*, then take this: don't be a window licker if you're not a celebrity. If you are, then them windows aren't going to lick themselves!

Picture Showcase: Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit

2011-09-04T00:45:00.001+01:00

ASTON MARTIN DBS GOES: KABOOM!

Picture Showcase: Gran Turismo 5

2011-08-10T18:13:00.002+01:00

BUGATTI 16.4 VEYRON vs ASTON MARTIN DB9

An overview of Picture Showcase - What to expect

2011-06-06T20:50:00.000+01:00

In my haste to get some new content onto this blog, I have decided to something I like to call Picture Showcase's. With these, I intend to upload pictures to the blog to literally show them off. Why? Because I can. These will be windows into my life and what I get up to. I originally thought up the idea when I wrote a post on innovative ideas that I was going to add to the blog for the new year. I thought about using pictures to aide a story along but now that I've thought about it, pictures could be used in any fashion, it doesn't have to be linear. I can also apply these to things like my adventures and trips around the world, or realistically, the local area. Either way, this will show the world what happens when you give me the chance to upload my camera snappings onto the internet! And maybe some extras. Watch this space!

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Six: Revelation

2011-05-25T12:00:00.000+01:00

"You're safe..." Jesus boomed with a smile on his face. "It's okay!"
"H...how did you that?" asked John.
Jesus carried on. "Well Serpent, it was simple really - just a bit of help from my dad - We slayed the zombies with Prayer. I figured if I could do with the evil, soulless Romans surely I could do it with zombies. Looks like it payed off."
The zombies just stood there and people came out to thank the Lord and his team of brave men.
"What are we to do with these zombies," Hashabniah asked Jesus.
"You leave it to me" he said...

And so, people had lived through the zombie outrage and they were happy.

Lots of people where happy...

In fact many people were happy that the zombies had stopped eating people.

But out of all the happy people, the happiest was Jesus. He managed to use his powers in a good way and not in a brutal bloodbath no matter how fun it is killing the undead. He changed the way of the zombies without deathly force. Don't worry; I don't think there's a moral to this story. But if there is, it should be 'if you're a zombie, don't mess with Jesus.' So what actually happened to the zombies left over? Well, people were still a little scared at first but Jesus, with the help of God, managed to give them another chance at life and the people started to accept them and become their friends.

Some, however felt that having a zombie in the family (or even worse, two) made them feel uneasy.

Uneasy but still acceptable in one form or another. Other zombies had goals and aspirations and took part in various activities that turned them from the nasty, brain eaters they were into nearly, normal people with rotten flesh. They became proactive in things like playing tennis...

Or joining bands...

And other fun hobbies...

Others got suited and booted up and tried to find a job...

...many of which getting to the interview stage. Jesus and Matthew also set up a self help group for the zombies to stop them having urges to return to their past states.

And these events were also turned into a hit blockbuster movie...The Life of Brains

But all in all, Jesus found this his calling. He liked helping the zombies as much as they used to like eating brains. Nazareth was never the same again though and is always on high alert when something kicks off. Last Tuesday, Jesus thought there was another disturbance and so gathered the New God Squad to see what the problem was. Turns out it was only a group of chavs and they were soon sent on their way, but who knows what will happen in this world. Jesus was lucky the day the zombies came but sometimes he thinks that it may happen again. He's constantly on the lookout. The zombies of Nazareth though are relieved at what happened and how quickly they got accustomed to their surroundings. They got a chance to live their dreams and live full stop. Now everybody loves zombies and it was the greatest time ever and it was all thanks to Jesus, God and The Disciples. It just goes to show, even with the right backing, if you turn into a zombie intent on killing and maiming the human race, there is always someone out there who is willing to put it all right. This man in the sunglasses...

AMEN

Is Lincolnshire Dull? (The Short Answer)

2011-05-21T22:43:00.002+01:00

Yes

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Five: Attacks and Assaults

2011-05-19T12:00:00.001+01:00

"Amen" and the Disciples thundered out of the door in rampage...

The deathly silence was disrupted by the sound of the men's feet pounding the ground as they ran. Each and every one of them kept an eye out for each other as they sprinted away clutching what weapons they had. However, they ran right into disaster...

Jesus and the Disciples had no choice but to unleash the combat.
"Attaaaaaaaack" Jesus shouted and the Disciples followed his command and charged at the group of brain eating monsters. The New God Squad beat the zombies repeatedly over the head, smashing their skulls and destroying the brain. Heavy blow after heavy blow the zombies were trying their best to work up a bigger attack until one reached out and grabbed an unsuspecting Bartholomew around the neck.
"Arrghh! Help!" He yelped out, trying to stab the zombie behind him, but everyone else had their own problems.
"Don't worry brother" shouted Jesus, beating another zombie to the ground. "Pass me your knife." Bartholomew put his faith into Jesus and lobbed his trusty knife to him, which Jesus caught in his left hand and swiftly chucked it into his right. He flipped it so he was now holding the blade. Bartholomew was struggling trying to keep the zombie from biting him.
"Hurry" he struggled.
"Move your head slight to the right" Jesus shouted and the troubled disciple did so. Jesus gave a great lunge and threw the knife right in between the zombie's eyes, narrowly missing Bartholomew. The zombie let go, Bartholomew pulled the knife out of the zombies head and roundhouse kicked the zombie to the ground which Jude finished off with a mighty axe blow to the neck, beheading it.
"I think he got the point," Jesus coolly retorted.

The group kept attacking in a fury of blood, guts and brains. Zombies are easy to outwit so although it was a difficult procedure, no one got hurt, except the zombies. This first horde had been beaten to the ground into a gory mess.
"That's the lot of them" Jesus said proudly. Or was it? Because to the right...

And to the left...

And even scarier...!

Jesus turned around to the beardy man, thinking it was like some sort of twisted, eerie mirror that looked into the distant future. Andrew looked at him menacingly.
"Who the heck are you?" he asked.
"I'm Rob Zombie, the rock musician" replied the beardy man.
"What are you doing here? You do know that you're in the middle of a zombie rampage" asked Jesus
"Well, I'm only here because my image comes up when you type in 'zombie' into Google Images. I just thought it'd be highly ironic if I turn up mid story to, y'know, make it interesting" said the beardy man.
"You're not doing anything for the plot or the structure of the story; you're just filling up space. In fact, It's just absurd, uncalled for even, that you've popped up at this crucial moment in time. Mr Zombie, please leave. You're just getting in the way of our plan!" voiced Jesus.
The beardy man continued. "But, I'm a musician. I could..." and at that moment, a zombie came up behind him and started to eat him. The Disciples just looked on with this look on their faces...

...proving that it really is a dog eat dog world that all these happenings are taking place in. Or zombie eat Zombie, whichever way you look on at it. I'm happy nonetheless. Anyway, back to the seriousness...After eating Rob Zombie, the zombies turned their attention to the New God Squad with hungry eyes. They started to walk closer to the group started to back up into a corner. It was then Jesus looked at Matthew and had moment of genius.
"Don't do anything! I've got an idea..."
"What? Are you mad? Have you failed to notice this army of brain-eating ghouls? Are they not visible to you?" Judas asked. Jesus said nothing and the zombies staggered closer and closer.
"Oi!" Judas was getting more and more worried.
"Shhh" Jesus said closing his eyes, with the zombies now getting even closer to them, backing them into a corner
"Actually, Jesus...um, Messiah, this is getting really serious now" whimpered Simon, jingling his keys. Jesus put his hands together in prayer and started muttering to himself under his breath.
"Join me Brothers" he yelled and everyone else started to pray with him. Then Jesus took his hands apart and stretched to the sky.

"...forever and ever AMEN!"

The light shone out of his hands was a brilliant yellow and much brighter than that of his encounter on the bus. Like with the Romans, angels started to sing, quiet at first but then they got louder and louder and the light got brighter and brighter. The Disciples held their ears and covered their eyes; it was so loud and bright. Then there was final burst of almighty light and everything stopped including the zombies. Jesus relaxed and turned to the group.
"It was as easy as that," Jesus said. The zombies stood on and looked, dazed almost. People started to emerge from out of their houses and peered out of their windows, wondering what happened.
"You're safe..." Jesus boomed with a smile on his face. "It's okay!"

Asia and Motoring

2011-05-16T20:58:00.005+01:00

It's home to the most people on Earth, Asia, with a staggering 60% of the worlds population and pollution residing there. Not to mention the crazy cartoons as well as other bizarre things in their culture deemed too hard to handle for us Westerners. Malaysia, Japan, China and South Korea all make cars. It seems that this part of the world tries to fit in with our part of the world. I'm not saying they're outsiders; they just have different ideas and features for road users than the rest of the world. It's in their genes I suppose. As we know, a lot of electronics come from Japan and the surrounding area so we know they are fantastic at create great products. But as for cars? Well...

Indian firm Tata went into the record books by beating the odds of all car competitors when they started selling the world's cheapest car. You can pick one up for about £2,200 in the UK, brand new. That's a whole fully working, brand new car for less the 3 grand from the company that owns Jaguar and Land Rover (and Tetley Tea). You may not get a lot of car for your money, it is only basic on luxuries, but you do get enough space for 4 people. Or if you want, a family! Now, that in this day and age is pretty much a bargain, especially as it's much better than a silly mo-ped. Underneath then, that's great. Until you look at the car, that is.

Yes, granted, you're on the inside driving it. But feel for the people on the outside, looking at you in a car with tiny wheels and an odd face. It's not a very charismatic design, is it? And it isn't the only one like this either.

I give to you the Kelisa (top) and the Kenari (bottom) from Perodua. Both of which, like the Nano, are cheap, economy cars from Malaysia. In fact, the Nano took the cheapest car record from the Kelisa in Britain. But, cheap isn't always the best. Put it this way. If you buy a TV, you're going to want a well known brand that makes good sets. You don't want anything that's going to go wrong. An easier metaphorical principle applies with, let's say, cola. Coca Cola is always going to better than Asda Price 17p Cola which is just water and brown. Coca Cola is more expensive but you get a better product and a better flavour; you pay for the quality. Cheap is good in some respects but you know it's cheaply made and therefore essentially a disposable. The Asians can pull it off but you compare to what can be achieved... (Cars, not cola).

That little Austin Se7en (Seven) is about as iconically British as the Royal Family, Tea and Cakes and the Lancaster Bomber. This then shaped itself into people's hearts as the Mini we know, cherish and love to bits. The whole concept of the Mini was, like the Asian cars above, to be cheap motoring. In Japan, these types of cars are called Kei Cars. They're cheap to run, cheap to buy and are tiny in size perfect for the hustle and bustle of a busy metropolitan network. But knowing that the British were at it in the late 50's, it shows you that we were thinking about that sort of thing back then. If only they were still doing that today. BMW Minis are now big cars and they keep getting bigger and bigger. They're cool and fun like the original but the original looks a lot better and is somewhat daintier. A retro throwback that if it's been looked after extremely well, can fetch a decent price because they're so sought after and collectible. Sir Alec Issigonis probably didn't know that they'd become so popular at the time but Mini's have stood the test of time, still fresh looking today and in no way disposable. And if the original beats the Germans attempt at a Mini, then I'm afraid it's going to beat Asia's too.

However, Kei cars are a great concept. They're little run-arounds that are as useful as they are unique. It's the designs that aren't that great and, like I said earlier, something that looks good is half of the package. You get the occasional one that breaks the mould like the sport car off springs such as Honda Beats or Suzuki Cappuccinos but they should all break the mould. When buying a car, depending on your stance on cars, I should think the car you're after has to have a bit of flair; a sense of fun. Buying a car that looks dull and drab only says one thing - You're using it as a tool. Or you can't afford to buy anything that looks better. Which is two things...So what if you don't fall into the first bracket then? You improvise of course!

With a luxury car, like a Bentley, it shows that you like style and performance. A great combination then, for a money-no-object automobile. Yes, they're owned by Volkswagen but they are still designed, produced and assembled in Crewe in England. VW do the engine, we do the rest; a perfect mix if you should ask me. Below is one of the more recent creations from the company behind that Flying B.

This car above is the Bentley Mulsanne. So luxurious, it was unveiled at the Concours d'Elegance on Pebble Beach in California - arguably the most prestige concourse event in the world. This is for cars that, despite age, look and drive as if they were brand new, under extensive repairs and restoration and generally being well looked after by hard working men and woman who want to preserve a cars beauty and passion. Fitting, don't you think, for a car that drips in high quality wood and leather from cows that listen to Mozart in specialist barns? With an emission friendly V8 in the front, this car is built for those who care about craftsmanship and hard graft. It is not a tool. It is used to pose and waft in and cruise. Now let's see what Japans idea of a car like this.

Ironically, the Galue S50 from Mitsuoka above came before the Mulsanne. However, Bentleys, and of course, Rolls-Royces have always had the same trademarked massive blocky bodies, them googly styled but strong looking headlights and the chrome teeth of them hand built grilles so you can see Mitsuoka have been looking at them for while - Convertible Galues tended to look like the Bentley Azure's of 2001 from the side, ignoring that hideous front end.

(And the Azure below if you're still unaware)

So on the outside, it looks like the Chinese want what we're offering for a knock down price. However, under the hood it isn't all show and no go as Galues can either have a V6 or for the petrol heads among us, it can be fitted with a V8 from a Ford Mustang! This is mad since it was based on a car called Cedric (Nissan). You don't start quaking in fear at Cedric...ahh, but that's dismissed with growly V8 power plant.
Older Galues also looked very reminiscent of Jaguars and Daimlers. So what does that tell you? Mitsuoka's designers are very unlucky with coming up with original ideas or we inspire them? Or do they just steal ideas and present them as knockoffs? With this next car, I don't know which is more fitting.

Above is the Geely GE. It is China's answer to luxury.

This, above, is the Rolls-Royce Phantom. It is Britain's (and Germany's) answer to luxury. Rolls have always built extravagant cars for the rich. It is £300,000 of land yacht. The Geely costs £30,000. Admittedly that Geely is an older model; the newer one looks less like the Phantom. But just by moving the coma, you get a car that looks like the Phantom for less, which is remarkable. You may not get the quality of the Phantom but you do get the basic shape. As a result, I'm yet to decide if it is a rip off (Google likes to say that) or if it's merely inspired by the Phantom. Mind you, Rolls-Royce have always been conscious of their image and they're in a lawsuit over the GE and you have to hand it them, they are staggeringly similar. Even so, out of the two, the Phantom is more striking after all. It is the name you pay for but when it's partnered with the looks, it, like Bentley, is an award winning combination. In a way though, I think Rolls-Royce should be proud of creating such a spark that people enjoy so much, they want it without the expensive drawbacks. Okay maybe that's not good news for Rolls-Royce, as they'd rather not lose customers to China, hence why they made cheaper alternatives (like the Ghost). I do, however, draw the line at the Viewt, also by Mitsuoka.

That, clearly jumping on the Jaguar bandwagon - Mitsuoka - is the horrible love child of the Mark 2 Jaguar and the Nissan Micra...You can keep that one. Just take it away!

So they can do luxury and they can do cheap motoring. But comparing to us, are they left in the dust a little? With that V8 from a Mustang implanted into a Japanese copy, it made me think of what America has to offer the world. Muscle cars and Pony cars gave the soundtrack to America (and even Australia) through the 50's and beyond on the quart'-mile drag strip or between the lights: a big engine in the front, a body as aerodynamic as a brick and a massive amount of power are all the key features of American muscle. Muscle cars were cheap, powerful and fun and sometimes, even practical. When you hear the term muscle car you think Ford, Pontiac, Dodge, Chevvy and Plymouth. You don't think Toyota Celica.

You don't think Mitsubishi Galant GTO.

You don't think Nissan Skyline GT-R.

Truth be told, there's not many Asian Muscle cars out there because they don't seem to be geared towards that area. But when they break loose, they can create some pretty good alternatives. The cars up there are all from the same era that gave us the Ford Mustang, the Dodge Challenger, the Chevrolet Chevelle and the Plymouth GTO. If these above were lined up in with the Americans, they would fit in perfectly without a shadow of a doubt. They may not have the off line grunt of the Yankees but I'd think for cruising in, they're just as good. But again, is it an inspiration or is it copying? More light? Okay...Back to Blighty now as I come to the Lotus Elan.

The original Elan was a happy, little convertible, perfect for the B roads on a sunny day with the canvas down. Whilst America was busy playing with horsepower and churning up rubber, us Europeans were spending our time in gems like this without a care in the world. It was a light weight dream which is now becoming a rare classic. The Japanese, again, wanted to be a part of this too. This Elan ceased production in the mid-1970's but believe it or not this is the result you can see reflected today...

The MX-5 was inspired by the Elan. Even now in the recent models of the MX-5, you can see that there are shades of the old car hiding in there. That air inlet on the front is very similar for a start and car sticks to the same basic ingredients of being a nippy convertible. But to see what they used to be like we just need to turn back the clock 22 years.

The front of the old MX-5 is very Elan-ish. Pop up headlights; again that open mouth; little wheels and the canvas roof, all check the same boxes! Today's MX-5 is basically a modernised old Lotus. And it's not the only 60's sports car, I've seen been imitated either. Look at the profile of this Toyota 2000GT.

And now compare it to the profile of this European sports car - a car described by Enzo Ferrari himself as "the most beautiful car ever built."

Like the Jaguar E Type, the 2000GT has a long bonnet with the reason being that the Jag's hid a V12 and the Toyota was a flat 6, which are roughly the same length. Both have got rounded headed lights, albeit with the 2000GT having pop ups; both have chrome front fenders; they've both got doors that extend beyond the windscreen in a similar fashion; both have air vents on either side of the top of bonnet and both have sloping rear 'fastback' tails. However, the Toyota does win points for rarity over the Jaguar. The E Type sold over 70,000 models (including convertibles) over it's lifespan from 1961 to '74. The Toyota? Only 337. As a result, they fetch high prices at auctions, as of recently, up to $650,000. You could say that they're as iconic as each other then.

Asia is responsible for a lot of pollution. I said so at the start. China create the most green-house gases that are putting our planet in some sort of peril. But can they save the planet? If you've been to London, you may see cars like this go around.

This is a G-Wiz. It's an electric car that isn't a car. It's a quadracycle. Made by REVA in India, it was created to save the planet from pollution, which as we've established comes from Asia. It's got the credentials but that's only the tip of the metaphorical ice-berg. I have in fact been in one and to be honest, it's not the most comfortable car I've been in. Comfort is a major factor in buying a car but let's see what it's like when it comes to safety brought to you - Euro NCAP styly - by our friendly neighbourhood Top Gear.

No matter how many times you see it crash, it's daunting to think that that could be you in the driver's seat, saving the world but evidently not saving yourself. It's horrific from every angle. In a 40mph crash in this, you won't survive. Okay, the Wiz probably won't hit 40mph because it'll run out of electricity before that'll happen, but something could hit it at 40mph and get the same effect. Because it's a quadracycle, it doesn't have to meet regulations of a normal car, hence the reason it wasn't NCAP tested. It also uses Lithium in the batteries, which is mostly found in Chile. That has to be shipped and refined many times before it can go into a car like the G-Wiz or hybrids like the Toyota Prius. Shipping and refining uses energy, so that has to come from somewhere. And even so, the batteries are full of acid so in an accident, if the crash won't get you, then the acid may. It may seem negative but cars like this aren't that good. In order to preserve battery life, everything takes a downer so it's designed to keep as much power as possible. Meanwhile, this is the type of electric car the West can make.

The Lightning GT; a fully electric sports car. Fact. And a lot better looking than the G-Wiz both after and before the accident! Made in Peterborough, the GT's will use an aliminium body to keep weight down but strength up. Lightning say it's lithium-tinanate batteries are good for a minimum of 240km on one charge. That's about 149 miles! No official word on top speed but expect it to be head and shoulders above the Wiz's slow crawl up to 50mph. Something else should apply then. With the G-Wiz, you don't have to pay for road tax, nor, if you're out and about in London, you don't have to pay congestion charge and you get free parking too, all because it creates 0 grams of carbon dioxide per Kilometre. The Lightning offers that too. The same should apply to both. Another point with electric cars is that they cost a bomb! They may pay themselves back but you're going to need 14,000 of your hard earned pound coins to pay for a G-Wiz - which is a lot considering you could buy a Fiat 500 TwinAir for about £11,000 which is a whole lot bigger, a million times better looking and 5 times safer (Euro NCAP rating of 5 - the highest). It still creates pollution but it is still exempt from the congestion charge. The GT is rumoured to be about £120,000 but it does look a damn-sight lot better than that frog eyed monstrosity that is the G-Wiz. I'd know which I'd rather have.

Okay, I'll admit, Asia hasn't come across too well in this round up. I've picked at them for their shoddy designs and blatant copying. But you know what? When they want to, they can produce cars that are as good as their Tv's and Nintendo's. They're pretty good at going mad. Take a look at this...

Heavily modified vans, or vanning as it is called, is part of the culture over there. With these staggering body jobs and tail flares that put any 1950's Cadillac fin in the dark, they could only come out of Japan. And just look at them massive over hangs! I bet they love speed bumps.

Crazy paint schemes with all sorts of cartoon characters and celebrities and more plastic than Katie Price's face adorn these wacky creations. The owners spend a lot of time creating these bizarre vans that would look terrifying in any rear-view mirror. All just to stand out above the rest. And if you don't want to mod a van? You modify a car - by tuning them to the maximum and fitting them with striking body kits, neon under lights, shiny alloys and radical paint jobs, Japanese modification culture has become a big hit over in the states. Ever seen The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift? The cars in that are exactly what you'd expect from Japan. Speaking of which, they also like to drive them sideways in Japan...

The art of drifting was essentially created and pioneered in Japan by Kunimitsu Takahash, the father of drifting. The balance of control, power and grace turns side-ways cars with smoke pouring from the back tires and the smell of burnt rubber and clutch in the air, into a spectacle in itself.

And they also make some pretty awesome concepts. The Mazda Furai is possibly one of the best concept cars I have ever seen.

When I saw this at the 2008 British International Motor Show, the first thing that caught my eye was them headlights. They run down the length of the cars sweeping lines. It sticks to the Mazda shapes but it flows and it's elegant with it's over sized wheel-arches and hunkered down appearance.

They've turned simple cars into common names for the automotive world too.

Subaru have won the World Rally Championship 3 times in their campaign with their Impreza's. Using boxer engines and a 4 wheel drive system under Prodrives regime (who now own Aston Martin), they became serious competitors on the rally scene...much to Mitsubishi's dismay.

The natural born rival to the Impreza has always been the Evolution Lancer series, whether it be on the rally track or on the road. Mitsubishi won the driver's championship 4 times, once more than their rivals. They also had a bit of practice with the Starion before unleashing the force and power of the Evolutions. As a result, Subaru and Mitsubishi have been battling for donkey's years to see who can make the best 4WD cars. Toyota also used to be very good at rallying too, turning the Celica's into dirt track eating monsters.

...And then there's the Nürburgring busting Nissan GT-R SpecV, which, like the stock car, is created in a sealed, scientific environment. Nissan have this awesome and phenomenal technical know-how to hurtle a SpecV GT-R around the Nürburgring in Germany in less than 7 minutes and 25 seconds, which is no small feat as it beats Ferrari's Enzo, Maserati's MC12 and Pagani's Zonda F Clubsport. That's only with a 480 horsepower V6 under the hood, against the might of 651hp from the Enzo, 620hp from the MC12 and 650bhp of the F Clubsport - all of which are fire-breathing thoroughbred track demons that can easily walk to 200mph and beyond - it certainly seems that Nissan have done the automotive equivalent of turning water into wine;

Then there's Mazda 787B racer that won the 1991 24 Hour Le Mans;

Not to mention the F1 designed - by Ayrton Senna himself whilst he was racing with Honda - Ferrari beating Honda NSX, depending on how you look it. It was the same as Michael Schumacher helping out with FXX's of the day;

And now we have the awesome Lexus LFA...

...which I would go as far as saying is the best car to come out of Japan in a very long time. Not surprising seeing that it's £300 grand pricey price tag. With a 4.8 litre V10 producing 552 brake horse power and a claimed top speed of 202mph, it's up there with the likes of Ferrari, Lamborghini and Aston Martin. It goes to show, when this part of the world want to make some serious motors, they can really give the rest of the globe a run for their money with their innovations and technical advancements that leave us Brits, Americans, Italians and Germans in awe at how they do it. The challenge is well and truly on!

Just returning back to Geely, the creators of the knock-off Rolls-Royce, before I wrap up, I guarantee you have seen a Geely and you probably hadn't known it despite probably never of hearing the name before you read this. They are, rather oddly, what is known as a modern take on a British icon. They must be well built and reliable machines because you've seen them around and about, at train stations, maybe airports or even just passing you on the road - literally everywhere. You may have even been in one. I didn't know this until recently but these Chinese cars are slowly becoming a part of our culture and it seems we've warmed to them rather well. For a start, London will not be the same without them for sure. They are also exempt from congestion charge and if you're not swindled and depending on where you go, you can get pretty far for little money. They're being designed to run on planetary friendly hydrogen; they can carry, at the most, 7 people (including a driver) with ease; they have decent luggage space and can come with air-con, iPod connectivity and DAB radio. And I literally had no idea...

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Four: The Gathering

2011-04-29T12:00:00.001+01:00

"Gentlemen" Jesus said "we've got a job to do." Andrew approached him.

"This problem we've got with these hordes of deranged people. Are you behind this by any chance?"

Jesus looked at his feet.

"Erm, sorta" he said. "You see, I was on the bus, the driver died and I revived him. It turned out I really shouldn't have done that. I then went find out what these people had become. It turns out they're called...er...zom...zombo's? No...er...ZOMBIES!" The Disciples gasped. "Yes Zombies" Jesus continued. "They are the undead. They feast on your flesh and brains and if you get bitten by one, you become one." He paused, still catching his breath.

continuing he said "Please, let us be seated and I shall tell you all the excruciating details and what we should do." So the Disciples and Jesus sat down at a long table and he told them of what exactly had gone on.

Bartholomew spoke up.
"We DO need to unite: fight as brothers" he remarked
"What?" questioned Judas
"Hold on Judas, he may be onto something" said Jesus, trying to get the rest of the group to agree with him. He didn't want to face the zombies by himself. After all one versus many is going to end in sheer disaster and is on par with ideas from the annual Ideas from Lunatics awards. Which doesn't exist but should.
Bartholomew said "There's more than enough of us. We've all got our own skills that can be brought forward and help with this monstrous situation."
"But this is Jesus' fault. If he had just waited for a replacement bus and left the driver there, none of this would have happened" Judas added. Obviously Jesus isn't like that and Judas didn't notice this.
"Stop being so defeatist, Judas" said Jude. "We're very fortunate. We have THE son of God on our side. As long as he's around, we won't be harmed," he hoped. "What do they have? A bad walk."
Judas was having none of it and was starting to make excuses.
"You're supposed to love every living thing, aren't you" aiming his comment at Jesus. "You can't attack them if that's the case, it goes against what you've fought for your entire life."
"They're the undead. They have no souls. It's perfectly fine. The peoples brains they have eaten are now safely being looked after in heaven, but we need to stop this from getting out of hand. I say we work and fight together" he said turning to the Disciples.
"Here's my idea but firstly arrange yourself into a line." The Disciples got out of their seats and did as the Lord asked. Jesus started pacing up and down like a military sergeant.
"We need some catchy names. Code names. We don't want to put people off thinking us Disciples are killing machines so it's the best way to go unnoticed. I know it's going against my mums wishes but we need to do this." Jesus walked up to Simon. "What would you like to be called, Simon?" Simon had a bemused look on his face, trying to think of a name for himself.
"How about Peter?" He asked.
"No" remarked Jesus "That's too obvious. For example, I am The Messiah. You are...?" Simon thought again...
"The...Messiah?" It was all he could think of - Think of an elephant. What do you think of? Same principle - Jesus turned. "No, you are not The Messiah..."
"He's a very naughty boy" came a response down the line and the rest roared with laughter, including Jesus.
"Very good...But let's keep the Life of Brian references to a minimum. Thank you" he turned back to Simon. "Look what's attributed to you. You have the keys to heaven" Jesus clicked "You're the Locksmith." Everybody automatically saw what he was on about. He walked to Andrew. "...And you, Andrew will be known as...?"
"The Beard" Andrew proudly voiced.
"I like it" said Jesus and walked to James, son of Zebedee. "And you're name James?"
"Well, I am a Pilgrim, so I'd like to be called The Pilgrim." Jesus continued.
John named himself The Serpent; Philip named himself Breadmaker; Bartholomew, Blade; Thomas wanted to be known as Twin and James, son of Alphaeus opted for Sawtooth; Simon was The Boatsman and Jude was Axemaster. That was until Matthew and Jesus had a bit of a tussle between his choice of name.
"I'd like to be called Angel" he said. Everyone just looked at him
"It's not very threatening. Angels are friendly. They look over you and help you with your desperate needs. It's not like we're going to be helping these zombies" Jesus said.
Matthew went on. "Actually..."
Jesus stood in. "They're not scary"
Then Matthew butted in. "...No, wait! they are. Have you not seen Doctor Who?"

Jesus stood corrected and allowed Matthew to be called The Angel. Jesus finally came to Judas.
"And finally, you are...?" he asked.
Judas still wasn't up for it. "Leaving...I'm not playing this silly game." Jesus stood back and folded his arms. Judas continued, "It's ridiculous. We're attacking them, not giving them counseling. They won't need to our names...I know, why don't we give them our address' too. Then they can find us"
Jesus spoke up "you're such a Judas!"
"I don't get that. What is it with that and my name? I'm going..." Judas replied and he walked to door.
"Nooooooo!" everyone shouted at Judas, opening the door. The horde of Zombies burst through the opening and everyone ran to the door to close it shut.
"Erm, o...ok-k-kay, I think I'll stay here" said Judas, white as a sheet. Jesus stood back again once the door was fully bolted. "Then it's sorted. We'll armour up and wait until this wave has left us alone. The zombies will stop if we cut off contact from their brain to the rest of the body. Acording to Dr Ahban, this can be done with either; A blow to the head. We'll need anything heavy. We're talking iron bars, blocks of wood or baseball bats. Whack to the temple, bam. Straight down. The shock should stop any neurotransmission but if it doesn't, don't stop being repetitive with your strikes. Or we could cut off the head - Of course, smashing their brains to pulp will stop them but knocking their blocks off will do the same job. So anything sharp - Axemaster, Sawtooth, Blade, I'm looking at you especially - you and your tools may very well be extremely handy. We'll also need to find ways of distracting them. Breadmaker, offer them bread to slow them down. Locksmith...I dunno, jingle your keys."

It turns out this was a very covert operation. Everything was planned down to a tee. Every detail that could be thought of in theory was put down and was ready to work in practice even if the idea itself was a load of hogwash. Even Judas got involved much to Jesus' delight. There was a lot of things that could go right but ultimately a lot of things could go wrong so it was a battle of the best against the best, the team really did have their work cut out and they spent the entire night planning, right the way through Daybreak (The Disciples prefer BBC Breakfast anyway. They find Adrian Chiles too boring and Christine Bleakley too orange) and morning light.

"How are we doing, Pilgrim?" Jesus asked.
James went over to the window, peeled back the curtain and gazed out.
"They've gone, my Lord. We're all clear" he piped.
"Then it is settled. For when we leave here, we attack" Jesus said, picking up a wooden club and unbolting the door. "With this new day, we leave here unknowns. We fight for the well being of others. We fight with our strength against theirs. We fight for my Dad, me and thy Holy Spirit as The New God Squad" and he opened the door. "Amen" and the Disciples thundered out of the door in rampage...

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Three: Doctors Orders

2011-04-22T12:00:00.003+01:00

Jesus and Arah looked on at the bus and saw the bus driver standing at the door way. The driver just stood there but his guise had changed some-what. He walked with the swagger of man who had just downed 10 pints of industrial strength lager and his flesh was hanging off his frame like burgers from the burger van outside B&Q, draped over a tailors mannequin.

Arah looked at Jesus in horror.

"Well," he said "I've got a train to catch now and I really want to get comfortable before I hit peak rush hour and have to stand up," and he ran away.

"Nnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh" said the bus driver, thoughtfully. Jesus said nothing and briskly jogged to his office, trying to put this incident to the back of his mind. He got to the reception.

"I've just seen the most weirdest thing," Jesus told his secretary.

"What?" asked Stephanie.

"The bus driver. He was dead. He died at the wheel so I brought him back to life. He drove the bus here without saying a word. I thought I did the trick but I've just seen him now and he looks like he's come down with a bad skin rash and rickets..." Jesus panicked.

"Wait, you managed to revive a DEAD bus driver and still get here on time? With the SAME driver? And the majority of my buses are never on time? This is the problem with society today and it gets on peoples nerves. People like myself," interrupted the secretary. "So yes, it is weird. Well, if he's okay and hasn't said anything, then I suppose no news is good news." Jesus went up to his office, hoping that his receptionist was correct.

Being a relatively quiet day, Jesus decided to seek an answer from God about the situation.

"You did what?" boomed the voice.

"I brought a man back to life. I thought I was doing good," Jesus said. The voice replied:

"You've got a lot to learn about this sacred malarky. You can't just bring people back to life at the drop of a hat. I know I gave you the option to do that but I didn't know you knew how to do it," the voice mentioned. "I got a message from St Peter telling me the driver's soul had already passed on. I knew no one would be hurt because I knew you were on board and would help any casualties. The point is, you basically reanimated the corpse. And the problem is, there is nothing controlling the body. It may be the person in form but not the person in mind. I suggest you go see Dr Ahban. He knows about this stuff. He's been studying it for a while."

Jesus was bemused. "I know stuff."

"Yes, but you're not a Doctor" said the voice. "Go now. He'll understand. Tell him I sent you." Jesus said nothing and went to see Dr Ahban about this problem.

After meeting with him and shaking his hand, Jesus told him what had happened.

"What you are describing there, my Lord," explained Dr Ahban adjusting his glasses "this reanimation and re-perambulation of a corpse - is what is widly known to people around the world as a zombie"

"A wha..." Jesus said, choking on his words and disbelief.
"A zombie. The rising undead. I have a chart" said the Doctor, pulling out his brainstormed ideas.

"Here are some key features of zombies" he continued. Jesus was horrified at what he saw. Some of the words matched the criteria of the bus driver but it wasn't his main concern.
"The bus driver bit man on the bus on the neck. Does that mean...?" Dr Ahban nodded.
"Yes," he said. "Unfortunately, he is now a zombie too." Jesus was taken aback in awe and surprise.
"This is worse than I thought" he added. Then Jesus noticed the phrase in the corner - bash to the head, zombie is dead. This got him thinking.
He asked "you mean to say there's a way of stopping them?"
Dr Ahban replied "yes. A solid whack on the head or a way of stopping the brain from interacting with the rest of the body should stop any zombie dead, but it is not advisable. Remember; if you get attacked, you will become one and there is no way of reversing it." Jesus stood firm and took a deep breath. He was figuring something out...
"Right. This is my responsibility. I made this problem, I'm going to have to solve it. What I'll do is find the bus driver and Achish, the man he attacked and stop them from making this problem a whole lot worse. They may have gone to Heaven now but I don't want anymore people to be meeting St. Peter today. It's my duty... Thank you for your help, Doctor." Jesus said his goodbyes and Doctor Ahban wished him good luck. But unbeknown to Jesus, a surprise was waiting for him outside the door.

Jesus was too late and quickly shut the door behind him.
"This is going to take a lot more people than expected," he said, breathing heavily at the shock. The Doctor sneaked Jesus out the back way where, luckily, none of the undead were. Jesus jumped over the fence and ran as fast as his legs could take him, occasionally looking back. Then he notice one of the zombies notice him.
"Nnnnnneeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr" moaned the zombie and the rest of them looked up and saw Jesus running. Then it clicked...The zombies chased after Jesus at a jaunty pace but he could easily outrun them and he knew where he was going. Running down alleyways and bolting through streets he finally burst through the door of Disciple HQ.
"Gentlemen" Jesus said, catching his breath. "We've got a job to do..."

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Two: Romans and Realisations

2011-04-15T12:00:00.006+01:00

"Oh no...surely it can't be...!?"
Jesus was right to question.
"Romans!"
Jesus got out of his chair, ran out of the office and into the path of an army of rampaging Centurions which is where he stood, still and silent in front of them. The army stopped in their tracks, almost confused at the fact that a man would stand up to the scary might of the most powerful army the world has ever seen.
"Who goes there!?" shouted one Roman.
"It is I. Son of God, Lord to the people. Jesus of Nazareth. You are terrorising my people. You are not worthy of this place. Be gone." he sincerely voiced to the Roman. The Roman stepped forward, not knowing what he was about to get himself into. He walked right up to Jesus.
"What was that?" he threatened. Jesus just looked down his nose at him.
"I said, be gone" warned the Lord. The Roman took another step forward.
"No." he remarked.
"Very well" Jesus retaliated. "You leave me with no choice" and he stepped away from the Roman and turned his back on the army, who were now even more confused. Jesus then turned around in a beam of brilliant, bright light to the sound of an Angels choir. The wind picked up and blew sand all over the place. The soldiers were covering their faces, protecting their eyes from the sand.
Jesus boomed, "My father gave you free will to do as you chose but this really takes the biscuit. You may believe what you want to believe but one slip up, especially in my presence, you'll be sentenced to an eternity of pain and suffering." The wind picked up even more, turning into vortices's that surrounded Jesus. The Romans were petrified. Some of them dropped their swords and shields and turned back as quickly as they arrived. The rest soon followed, too scared to even look back.
"You have been warned!" the Lord told. The choir and the wind died down and the street fell silent again.
"Lord, that was amazing. I didn't know you could do that" said Hashabniah.
Jesus chuckled "Well, you would think that Hashabniah. I didn't. I said it myself, they can believe what they want to believe. Just goes to show that there's a bit of my word in them Romans. They merely did it themselves. They believed it." Jesus left him with that thought and walked back to the office.
"I think I'm going to call it a day Stephanie. I'm bushed after that confrontation. It's hard summoning angels on a good day. If you could lock up for me that would be ever so good" Jesus told his secretary.
"You're the boss" she replied. Jesus then set for home...He walked today rather than his more conventional way. It was a nice day so he thought he'd make the most of it.

"I'm home mother" he said, walking through the door.
"You're home early" Mary said.
"I know I had a run in with some Ro...ermm, awkward people. I soon turned them away. They won't be back for a while" said Jesus.
Mary butted in.
"Have you been messing about with them Romans again? Look. I've told you, you can't go converting people like that. It's not morally correct."
Jesus tried to explain.
"But, I'm not. They did it themselves. Besides, you're telling me that if you had the power, you wouldn't flaunt it?" he asked.
"Powers or no powers, you shouldn't do it. Now, if you had a secret alias and a cape then yes, probably. But because people need to know who you are, I think it's best left out of the equation" added Mary. Jesus was getting ideas. "You mean like a vigilante?" he thought...

"It could be argued that I have powers of in the realms of 'super' classification. And, I am a man. Yes, that's it. From now on I shall be known as Man that is Super!" he laughed ironically. Mary didn't like this.
"Son, stop being so delusional! You can't do that. Besides, Bruce Wayne has beaten you to it."
Jesus had to correct her. "Mum, I think you'll find that's Batman."
"Whatever, the point is I don't want you getting into trouble. I don't care if you are the son of the man upstairs or not, when you're living under my roof, you live by my rules." Jesus looked up and thought to himself "I'm not related to Mr Jenkins in the flat above, am I?"

Jesus went to his room to carry on his carpentry on his chair and thought about what his mother had said as well as the busy day he had encountered.

The next day came. Jesus woke up and looked at his clock. "7 o'clock on a Friday...weekend last day, it's the weekend tomorrow." So he got out of bed and freshened himself up with a quick shower. He browsed through his cereal choice and opted for Choc n Roll today, his favourite. He looked out the window. The clouds were looming in over Nazareth.
"It's the bus for me today" he thought to himself, picking up his briefcase. Jesus got to the bus stop and he bumped into his friend Arah the Traveller.
"Jesus C...how's it going?" asked Arah.
"Hi, Arah, how are you today?" Jesus replied. "Not too bad, I was thinking about walking to work this morning but these grey clouds are very daunting. It looks like a storm is brewing. And then I thought, if I can't walk, what would you do? So I decided to take the bus" Arah explained. Jesus told him about what happened the day before and how he averted the crisis, "It was out of the blue, y'know." The bus soon arrived and the two friends got on board. The bus was relatively empty, apart from a typical number of old codgers. Not that this phased the friends. They, like any of the other cool kids, took the back seat. The driver however looked a bit worse for ware. He looked very frail and ill but despite this, wanted to carry on with his journey. The bus was soon on it's way down the road...

That was until the bus came to an absolute dead stop. The bus driver was unconscious. Jesus looked at his watch and said "quarter to seven. I need to be at the office at 8. Let's see what's up..." So he went to the bus driver to find out what was wrong. The driver was slumped over the steering wheel, cold and knocked out flat. Jesus checked his pulse. Nothing. Jesus looked glum.
"Poor chap" Jesus thought. Arah came over.
"You know you've got a reputation for being a miracle maker?" he asked.
"It's something that I don't want promote, I'm just doing my job at the end of the day. It's more of an occupation," Jesus added.
"Well, you've got healing hands. Why not try and revive this man. You'll get to work and this man could enjoy a few more years living. What do you say?" Arah went on. Jesus was unsure. He had never done anything like this before. He has helped people but never like this.
"I'll see what I can do" he said and he put his healing hands on the mans head. Light shone out of his fingertips. The bus began to shake violently but Jesus kept his strain. Then it stopped as quickly as it started.
Arah asked "has it worked?" Jesus genuinely didn't know and so didn't answer. A fellow passenger, a man, had lost his patience.
"Right that's it. I'm really agitated now. I'm late for work and I demand to know what's going on." The bus driver stood up and groaned.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr"
"Calm down Achish, we've got this under control." Jesus lied, not knowing what to do at the fact the dead driver just stood up.
"No you haven't! I demand to know what's happening!" The bus driver slowly pointed at Achish! "Oi, get this bus moving now, you useless old man. I don't want to be late for work" Achish demanded. He was going red in the face and was very frustrated now.

The bus driver groaned again and sat back down and carried on the journey.
"Well it worked" said Arah.
"We'll wait until we reach our destination until we see if the bus driver is okay. He looks fine-ish" Jesus said.

The bus reached it's stop.
"I'm getting my money back from this trip. It has been the worst customer service ever" said Achish "I wasn't satisfied with my journey." Jesus, Arah and the rest of the travelers gave Achish room to confront the driver and so got off.
"Okay, but don't do anything too daft. I still need to make sure he's okay," Jesus called. That's when it all kicked off. There was a lot noise and then a scream from Achish who came running out of the bus clutching his bloodied neck.
"He bit me. The silly old man bit me!" Achish shouted as he ran away in terror.
"Wait, come back" Jesus shouted. Then there was a thud and he and Arah looked on at the bus and saw the bus driver standing at the door way...

Jesus vs Zombies - Part One: In The Beginning...

2011-04-08T12:00:00.016+01:00

I know it's called the Observation Blog and is full of my outlook on the world. But this is technically a story, and it all came about from me observing something my friend Rowan sent to me the other day on Facebook that he 'shopped whilst we were still at school. In fact, here it is...

This prompted me to write the story of Jesus vs Zombies - a one-off one of the kind story, written in a not too dissimilar vein to that of the story of Thy Holy Vending Machine. In the words of Rainier Wolfcastle from The Simpsons "Eet is a mixture of action und comedy" (as told as accurately as I can possibly write it). It really is a story of two halves - A tale and accompanying it, my own dodgy photoshop attempts. Once this is out of the way, I'll get back onto writing my observations. Please note, this isn't insulting, it's just a bit of fun. Read it all and you'll find out who wins. Whether you're for Christianity or Zombianity, this isn't making fun of either...anyway...

And this story goes a little like this...

It was a quiet, sunny Thursday afternoon in Nazareth, AD30. The shops were open as usual, the people where contented with their lives and jobs and everything was going fantastically well. It is as typical as you'd expect in a place and a time like this.

"Isn't it a fine day, Mara?" announced Asher the Happy to his wife.

Mara the Miserable replied "you can talk. I think I have leprosy, I'm going to be sacked from my job and I didn't win the lottery last night."

"I know of a local man who can help you in your time of need. He lives down the road and he's got a reputation of being a wise and learned man with very good contacts" Asher told his wife. "I can pop over later and ask when I pick up Lamech from school. He's very good. Do you remember Mahlon the Sick? The Chef...? Kept vomiting all the time...he did the catering at your sisters wedding"

His wife nodded in agreement "ah yes. We were advised to stay away from the vegetable soup," she said.

"Well, this guy had a stern talking with him and now Mahlon is no longer sick. The only thing he's sick of now is his name. People say he works miracles." Mara was intrigued so she urged her husband to go and check this man out. True to his word, Asher left early to try and catch the wise and learned man who helped Mahlon the Sick stop being sick. Asher walked into a marvelous building where the man with these answers was based. He came to the reception and said a nervous "hello."

"Hello there sir, how may we be of service to you today?" questioned the receptionist.

"Yes, I've heard that there was a man that may be able to help my wife..." replied Asher. The receptionist told Asher to go to the third floor and down the corridor to room number 302. Asher followed her directions and knocked firmly on this door.

"Please come in" said a heavenly voice. "I've been expecting you. I've have been told that your wife has been having some difficulties"

"H...h...how did you know that I was going to be paying a visit? And my wife. How do you know about her?" said Asher, nervously.

"Divine intervention, I think it's called. Nah, only kidding! Stephanie just gave me a buzz over the intercom. She told me all the details, it's fine. I'm not here to scare you, my brother. Please. Take a seat and we shall begin." spoke the man. Asher took refuge on the big sofa that adorned the mans office. "I'm Jesus" said the man. Asher sat bolt upright. "You!" Asher was shocked. "You!" He said again. "That Christmas. 30 years ago. It was you. Th...th...the virgin birth. Almighty son of God!" Jesus looked at Asher.

"Now, now...there's no need to use my, or dads name in vain. Please. Relax. I'm here to help you. Please, tell me. What is the matter with your wife?"

Asher, sitting back in the large sofa, said "She's very upset. She didn't win the lottery last night. She was furious that Dale Winton didn't pick her numbers. I told her the lottery doesn't work like that but she refused to listen to what I have to say."

"Yeah, I'm not that sort of 'help' per say. I mean, I can perform miracles but predicting the lottery numbers...I'm not Derren Brown" Jesus remarked.

"Well, she's also scared about losing her job. It's bringing her down ever so much. What can you do in this instance?" Jesus handed Asher a leaflet.

"We're trying to branch out to different locations around the nation and indeed the world so get your wife to join and she'll be in the job forever. We've got loads of positions going. Organ players. Prayer readers. You name it, I think she'll fit right in here" Jesus continued. Asher looked on in awe and a huge smile spread across his face as if to say that this was perfect. "And finally" Asher spoke up. "My wife is very ill. She has the worst disease known to man (at the moment). She thinks she is a Leper my Lord."

"Let me seek some advice and guidance...Daaaaaad!"

A voice boomed "What is it?"

"A man needs some help with his wife. Any advice?" Jesus beamed as saw a page open up on his computer screen and so he typed...

...but the internet connection was down even though the router had been turned off and back on again many times.

"It's not working Dad!" Jesus shouted at the ceiling.

"Try giving him our offer" the ceiling said.

"What I can do you, is a deal. I've got this handy all in one package that cures leprosy and whole load of other diseases, including blindness and also give access to all the inns in Bethlehem as rehabilitation. There's one with this fantastic stable, I recommend it. It's not as quick as my healing hands but it does the job but I'd say it's a bargain. You are getting all this from a man you can trust...even though you've only just met me." said Jesus "we'll even throw in a donkey to take you to your retreat. Just get your wife to follow the instructions and simply follow the bright light."

"Why thank you Lord. I shall take that" finished Asher and he paid for his handy package and was away to pick up his son and tell him the good news about this 'miracle.'

Jesus sat back in his big office chair, thinking about the job he did very well.

BUUUUUZZZZZZZ "My Lord, we've got a major disturbance outside!" came the intercom.

"Stephanie, don't do that. You scared the me out of me. What seems to be the problem?" Jesus exclaimed.

"There's a massive group of people. They just ran away in terror." replied his secretary. Jesus had to think about this. What could the group of townspeople be running away from?

"Lions? No...Aliens? I mean, seriously. Life on other planets? Dinosaurs? Pffft, doubt it." Then he stopped in an eerie silence and his face dropped. "Oh no...surely it can't be...!?"

Keeping your eyes on the road = Really difficult in some parts of the world

2011-04-08T00:10:00.005+01:00

Yes, that's right. I've started putting up videos on here. I did it for my 2010 roundup last year and never really touched up on it. Put simply, I'm going to share with you, the best videos - be them viral or otherwise - from the internet, starting with this.

Be warned: If you don't expect it, you will cack yourself. So, if you're not good with them "look for the ghost...looking for ghost...where's the ghost? Blaaaaaarrr!!" videos then be careful with this. You have been warned.

I saw this on TopGear.com and was filmed in the Yoo Ess of Ay. Where else? You don't expect it because I bet you, you were staring at the truck, waiting for something to happen. And then it hits you. Or the car. What seems to be a happy, mundane drive in the car soon turned into a pant-wetting scenario of horror as a plank of wood gets kicked up and skewers the cars windscreen. It just show how close to disaster this driver was inches from a terrible accident. According to the videos description, the driver was fine and managed to live to tell the tale. But, answer me this; (and the comments on Top Gear show that I'm not the only one who thinks this) why was this woman filming the big rig AND driving? Driving without due care and attention? It's crazy. But combine that with the random plank smashing its way into your cars cockpit...oooh, she's not going to stop the screaming in her head for years!

Horoscopes

2011-04-08T00:06:00.001+01:00

So, my month analysing horoscopes and recording the outcome has terminated...quite a while a go. It's now April and I wrote that up in February. In fact, I got this idea that I should a simple overview after reading through them and giving my honest, heartfelt conclusion. It was a month long experiment to see if horoscopes actually did hold some truth. I thought that the single one wouldn't give a big picture; it was always hit and miss. Now that I've read what they have said throughout the entire month, I have come to this remarkable conclusion:

It's hit and miss. But mostly miss.

Click here to read week one
Click here to read week two
Click here to read week three
Click here to read, yep you guessed it, week four

Some scientists...in fact, these scientists...

...have said that horoscopes and astrology is actually a something that is known in the science business as a pseudo-science. This means that there is not enough fact to back up the argument and so to class it as a science, it has to have the prefix 'pseudo-' which means something that isn't true; something it's not. Science is of course the study to find answers. So it's actually saying "we have some answers but there's a high chance of them being false."

As far as I'm concerned it is a load of hogwash. The majority of the time, it was reused hash. Like the photography stuff! It was mentioned at least twice throughout the month. Go back and see for yourself.

There was some accuracy with what I was reading but how much of it was pure accuracy? And not what is called 'cold calling' where a thought is given and then we try and build fact around it. This is more logical. There must be many people born under the pisces sign in the world and The Sun is read by Britain, that's surely a fraction less but that still leaves many people. Does what Mystic Meg say apply to all them pisces? And that's only one sign, there's 11 more. Which leads me onto my next point...

Are they supposed to be used as guidance? Do we read them to give us the get up and go and think 'because it's written in the stars, then it's going to happen because the stars know all?' Not true in my case. I made effort to follow the guidance but whatever it said, the opposite happened. I don't if I was doing anything wrong. Maybe I wasn't willing enough to make it happen properly but I at least made an effort and surely that's gotta account for something? Sometimes it was a matter of doing what isn't convenient, like traveling north for example (February 2nd) or meeting in a sports venue (22nd). It doesn't say what type of venue and it doesn't say how far North?

Or do they tell the future? Do they tell you what is going to happen regardless? No. I proved this is not so. They don't.

So are they supposed to change your outlook? Do they give inspiration to do it in gradual time. If this was the case then this would make more sense. But it needs to make sense first. I can't work with it if it's not fully understandable. It'd be like getting flatpack furniture from IKEA and realising that the middle bit of the instructions are there. You vaguely know how to start but you don't know what it'll end up looking like as a finished product. And then of course, it hit me...

It's all down to superstition. Future events being foretold; happening before they actually do. Now, I don't believe in superstitions. That way, they won't hurt you. The only thing that makes you think you'll get bad luck by smashing a mirror or walking under a ladder is your mind. And vice versa for good luck. If you don't believe, it won't do anything to you. And that sort of applies with horoscopes. The stars may say it but you don't have to listen. Just go out and make it happen without Clever Mercury or the Moon and it's amazing sixth sense ability getting in the way. It'll feel like you've actually done it then rather than it being the sole responsibility of a planet. You are you're own person. Don't let the solar system take control of your life because that just sounds silly. The only real benefit I can see me getting out of these star signs is that for me, it gives me the chance to occasionally say "I am a fish." Now whose the silly one?

For my next experiment, I shall attempt to live my life without Horoscopes!

Megalikes.net just keeps on giving, doesn't it?

2011-04-07T14:44:00.055+01:00

Lo and behold, another post thanks to the generosity of Facebook like website, Megalikes.net. Last time I questioned human intelligence with the sob story of the guy who wasn't blind, who gave his eyes to a girl who was blind just to marry her. She said no and now he's blind forever! However, I found this one that questions this fact even more! I always thought Facebook was the MySpace for the generation of people who outgrew MySpace with it's bulletin notifications and other things I forget. It was the chance to avoid it. But that trend just packed their bags and moved to Zuckerbergs network like the internet gypsies they are. This made me laugh though:

HOW TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE
Follow them around the house everywhere
Moo when they say your name
Run into walls
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion
Jump off the roof, trying to fly
Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people
At everything they say yell, Liar
Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard"
Try to swim in the floor

Might I add that it made me laugh for the wrong reasons.

Firstly, doing them things will not only make your parent's think you are insane, it'll also make the insane think you're just trying too hard. As far as instructions go, these are pretty bold in their claims. It will indeed lead them to believe you are going mad but which of these shows insanity? Let's have a look at some of them.

Follow them around the house everywhere - Sure, you may do that if you are a toddler who doesn't want their mum or dad to be out of sight because to them it's comforting, knowing they have a protector in distance incase something they think something like a goblin is about to jump out of the cupboard or a shark is going to eat you. Toddlers are very deceptible like that and so it's natural. It doesn't mean to say they're insane though. If you do it, for example, whilst out and about, it may just look like you need your parents 24/7. In which case other people will think you're not going mad, but don't want be left alone. It'll make your friends think you're insane, not your parents.

Moo when they say your name - Very hard not to think you're going mad especially when you are actually a calf. It's just their way of saying "yes" I suppose. It isn't mad cow disease. Again, you'll get odd looks from people but don't expect them to sit next to you on the bus.

Run into walls - Back to the blind story again ergo not mad. Running into walls may be funny if it was on YouTube but it really hurts and not something you'd like to bring up whilst in hospital. "So how did you break you nose, exactly?"
"I ran into the wall."
"And why did you do that?"
"To prove to my parent's that I'm insane..."
"And are you insane?"
"No, I'm just trying to make my parent's think I am"
At this point, you will be thrown out of the hospital and maybe arrested for foolishness.

Say that wearing clothes is against your religion - This is not a case of insanity. It is in face a case of belief. If your religion says this and this is what you believe, it does not automatically give you the IQ of a lettuce. On the flip side, naturists are constantly walking around in the buff. It doesn't mean to say that they are part of some sort of mad cult from the future.

Where a sticker that says "I'm a retard" - Unless you want to get more odd looks from your fellow members of the people race, I suggest doing something with a bit more pizazz. This is just lazy. It's to the point but it's just a sticker at the end of the day. Not even the medically insane where a sticker with that on. So why should you?

Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, "good morning sunshine" - Like running into walls, this won't do your face any favours either. People react differently to shocks. Some back away others don't. Your parents know you better than anyone else but their brain might not and so they may just see this grinning weirdo hanging over them and try and punch them away. At which point they're going to ask why you're doing it and you're going to reply "to make you think I'm insane." Another resulting blow to the head is then inevitable.

Alternatively, you could change a few things to that list to make it more applicable. For example, don't moo when your name is called, just rock back and forth uncontrollably. Again, don't run into walls, run into a lake. Don't try to swim in the floor, merely swim ON the floor. You don't need to try to fly because you know you will. And don't just call people liars. It's probably not true. Just say "I've taken the context of what you have said into consideration and have come up with an indefinite and reliable answer and I suggest you think about it...did you get how Lost ended?" Besides, you're bound to get someone who'd like to abuse the fact they keep calling you a liar ("He doesn't like being beaten up." "LIAR!") And don't say you see dead people because although no one will believe, they'd just think you're quoting The Sixth Sense.

Facebook audience who liked it, I'm aiming this squarely at you!

A "what do you do in this instance?" moment brought to you by Megalikes.net

2011-03-31T01:38:00.005+01:00

You know the deal with Facebook and liking things, right? I'm hoping you do, for the sake of this piece. In theory, one shouldn't be picking things he finds off the internet to bits and analyse them for the sake of a pokey blog post. But this is the Observation Blog, so tough.

I have read some crazy bum shizzly in my 19 year existence but this takes the realms of human intelligence to whole new level. It's absurd, especially when almost 25,000 people like it. But which part do they like? The sob story or the jilt story? I didn't know whether to cry with sadness or laughter. Take a read of this and see where my point is:

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying..... "Just take care of my eyes dear." i'll always love you forever..

That was lifted straight from Megalikes.net. It is what appears to be a story that tugs at the heartstrings. A blind girl gets the chance to see the world thanks to her significant other with the added benefit that both of them will get married. Trouble is, the guy gave her his eyes so she could see and then she changed her mind. All in days work for the internet. You don't even have to be scientist to prove that this is ridiculous. Okay, maybe you do. I mean, there has got to be something to do with the donor being compatible with the donee. You can't just go putting parts of your anatomy willy-nilly into other people (oi!). For one, the body may reject it and so on. And on an even more serious note, you can't donate eyes! They're implanted into the brain and set into the skull. He's going to have to have the front of his face pulled off, just to get his eyes out. Seems like a lot of palaver just to get someone to marry them. Talk about desperate. The cornea on the other hand...but it doesn't say that!

Here's another thing; if the girl said she would marry him and then said no, she's getting something for nothing. Like it was just a ply just to gain some eyesight. It leaves the guy of the story blind. She now sees that this guy is also blind. It's all happened very quickly. I can only assume that this guy has already got his dark glasses and guide dog without failing to notice that his eyes have been physically pulled out of his brain like the weeds in your front lawn. More to the point, are we thinking that the girl has been blind her entire life? Because if that was the case, how would she know what the note said. She wouldn't be able to ask anyone what it says because she didn't like anyone.

And why did she refuse to marry him? A bit shallow isn't it? Just because one part of that person doesn't work properly, doesn't mean to say the rest of it is broken. His hearing and touch will adapt to be brilliant. All the while, she has to adjust to working something that she's never had to before. If you've seen the film At First Sight you'd know what dangers this girl would have to put up with. The character Val Kilmer plays in it falls for a woman who he massages. She pays for him to have eye surgery so he can see her. It doesn't go well and he finds it hard to adjust and I think he gets violent. I went to bed at this point and don't know how it ended. I'm not guessing well. It wasn't exactly Top Secret to start with anyway. And that's what's going to happen to her! She's going to get violent and then turn off.

Can I say "more to the point?" again? Well, yes. Can you cry if you're eyes have been taken out of your head? And how can you write a letter without sight? Have you ever written something with your eyes closed? It's really difficult, you don't know if you're writing on a straight line or keeping equal spacing with your letters. It may just end up a jumbled mess. Like Wayne Rooney has tried to write his own name. Faces on the other hand are much funnier with closed eyes.

even with )bad) touch tyoe skills like my own, you still get soem mistkeas.
Sorry. Even with touch type skills, like my own, you still get mistakes. So yes, heart-tugging story with a terrible out come. It seems the moral of it really is "it's better to rip someone's face off and have their eyes and hate everyone" The End

My Cheezburger Network Uploads - ROFLrazzi

2011-03-17T00:42:00.001Z

You can see this LOL on the Cheezburger Network here! And remember to vote!

My Cheezburger Network Uploads - So Much Pun

2011-03-09T01:25:00.000Z

You can see this LOL on The Cheezburger Network here!

A month as told by Horoscopes - Week 4

2011-02-28T22:39:00.003Z

Finally we get to the last week of my adventures with the stars. Probably.

22nd - What did it say?:
For the first time in two years, Mars is in your sign and will be for 38 days. Don't waste this window of opportunity when you will have the power to turn dreams into fulfilling action. Venus proves the value of a secure relationship. Still looking? Your first meeting is in a sports venue.

Was it all it said it was?
Rolling back on with Tuesday we get back into the deep end of things. Mars will be my sign for 38 days. That's nearly two whole months lugging around the Red Planet. Turning my dreams into fulfilling actions costs money. Money which I don't want to spend right now. I've just spent money on this computer of which I am typing on now. I have the power. But I'd rather have the money. And I can't for the life of me think where the nearest sports venue is. There's Hartsholmes Cricket pitch which is empty. Or there's Lincoln City Football Club's Sincil Bank Stadium...

(That is, if there's anyone actually there)
I don't think it's advisable to go hunting where there's a lot of screaming football fans. What's wrong with the park? Or Starbucks? It may not be the most romantic place on Earth but it's a start

23rd - What did it say?:
You could either blow a gasket or breathe an enormous sign of relief knowing that you've reached the end of a road. Either way you're likely to be the centre of attraction both at work and at home. Stirred up as you are, you could be ultra-sensitive to foods - and even noise. You're likely to be especially appreciative of someone who seems able to read your mind and who's clearly doing all they can to keep stress to a minimum.

Was it all it said it was?:
Going back to horoscope.com (this running theme of me missing stuff out has become quite popular with these, hasn't it?). I started to fret a bit when it told me I was at the end of the road. I thought I may not end up finishing these posts. I wasn't the centre of attraction anywhere, so that's wrong. I like my food, so I not going to ultra-sensitive to that either. And even noise! I like noise. It's kinda what music is. As for this person who can read my mind...Who is it? And why are they reading MY mind? Oh. "Seems" to be able to read my mind. As with the majority of mind reading tricks it's either forced or total guess work, which ironically is what a horoscope "seems" to be.

24th - What did it say?:
Fiery Mars promises plenty of passion action and a relationship that seemed to be going nowhere moves in an exciting and unexpected, direction. Single? Just one smile from you attracts that special someone. It is vital to be meticulous in even the most routine tasks at work. Luck talks to S.

Was it all it said it was?:
If it was so good, why didn't it highlight the single aspect first? Reading again, it sort of does. "A relationship that seemed to be going nowhere" it says. But what sort of relationship are we on about? Is it the relationship like between two people, a friendship-style relationship or the relationship between salt and vinegar? I spent the majority of the day smiling but nothing came to light. And who is S? I know lots of people that have S starting their name but which one? I can't ask them all "do you know what my routine task is?" Chances are they'd answer like myself and go "huh?"

25th - What did it say?:
Clever Mercury meets the Sun in your sign so a new you emerges - smart, sexy and ready for success. Lots of people want to get to know you better but don't neglect your true friends. If you are single, only go out tonight if you're ready to risk falling madly in love.

Was it all it said it was?:
Without beating around the bush too much, I already think myself of them 3 things; it's got nothing to do with me being 'new.' Mercury may be clever but I think it's holding me back. And then the Sun joins in too. That's Mercury, the Sun and Mars I've got hanging around. I'm going to end the week with entire solar system! It's a burden, y'know. How would you like 2 planets and a star following you where ever you went? It's very daunting. As for going out tonight - not in the rain. It's not the biggest risk but the consequences may be...You don't speak consequences do you stars? I'm still waiting for these lots of people...Oh sod it, I'm going back to watch Thomas the Tank Engine.

26th - What did it say?:
The moon moves in to the sociable part of your chart to make you good company. Friendships can get back to their best. And working together on a charity challenge could be a life-changing success. Partners fall in love with each other all over again. Single? Your new love is a dancer

Was it all it said it was?:
I told you about the entire solar system! Now the moon is getting involved! It may make me sociable but how? I love how these are very vague. It's something I'm going to make a note upon. There's no charity events that I know of (I did think of dyeing my hair red for Comic Releif but that was only thinking about it. No further steps were made). And with these partners. WHO? At least give me some incline.

27th - What did it say?:
You can probably sense that behind someone'sexpensive.

Was it all it said it was?:
Quote "you can sense that behind someones smile is a brain trying to work out how to get a an idea past you." How odd. I watched Inception on Saturday and that is exactly what the plot entails (in a sense). Doesn't actually mean anything though and it is a day out. It's not a laughing matter however because the property matter is becoming expensive. I wish I knew what this property matter was so then I could solve it. It could be anything from the broken tap in the garage or something more sinister? Horoscopes.co.uk, I must say, you're naff! There are no property problems. There is no one I've taken by surprise.

28th - What did it say?:

As the moon sharpens your sixth sense, you see people's true characters - and there will be surprises. At work and at home, action will replace the waiting and wondering. Loved up? You see a new and exciting side of a partner. A relative who can't say sorry makes amends in a generous way.

Was it all it said it was?:
And finally! The last ever horoscope that I will have to read for the purposes of this experiment. I can see peoples true characters. And there will be surprises. There were supposed to surprises yesterday but there wasn't. Again, this action? What is it? I could say that it was me starting to pen down ideas for new tunes. That's an action that I put on hold for a while. There's been nothing new and exciting today about anybody. It's been the same people day in day out. And that's how its going to stay it seems. No amount of astrology is going to change that!

A month as told by Horoscopes - Week 3

2011-02-21T18:08:00.000Z

Here we go again.

15th - What did it say?:
You have the perfect blend of logic and intuition that makes you sure about the work you want to do and devise a step-by-step plan that will get you there. Later, the moon adds a dash of daring to a relationship that is a bit too cosy. Single? New love has the same name as your first love.

Was it all it said it was?:
Actually, there is some truth! It shocked me too! I actually started planning my trip to Southampton for a university interview. And I actually planned out step by step how I would get there. University could be argued as a type of work, I suppose. But the relationship bit of it is a no-no. No new names, but at least we got something that is quite clear! For once...

16th - What did it say?:
I dunno, I missed another one...

Was it all it said it was?:
I'll never know...I'm not doing very well with the whole writing them down thing. I bet didn't predict that! "You will not read this" but of course, I won't know.

17th - What did it say?:
Your mentor planet Neptune shines a light on the hidden part of your chart and you discover hidden talents, which could include photography. A love relationship may seem to be moving slowly but it's worth the wait. If your heart has a vacancy, a chat about the weather may lead to a hot date.

Was it all it said it was?:
Here go again with the photography! I'm not a photographist. It's not dawned upon me being a photographist either. Besides, I can take good pictures (and by good, I mean they would look okay on Facebook) and if it was hidden, then it's not hidden very well. And I didn't want to ignite a conversation about the weather. Probably because it'll end up something like this:
Me: So, the weather's grey today.
Them: Yeah.
Me: I hope it doesn't rain.
Them: Me neither.
Me: It may not rain though.
Them: But it'll still be grey though.
Me: Yes.
If the horoscope was anything to go about, it'd think it'll happen like this:
Me: So, the weather's grey today.
Them: Will you marry me?
I thought the latter would have been highly unlikely

18th - What did it say?:
Make a fitness promise today and you know this time you'll keep it. The full moon will also help you inspire a relative to try a healthier lifestyle. You can set aside feelings and make strictly practical decisions about money. Venus inspires some friendly flirting that gets a relationship moving.

Was it all it said it was?:
Firstly, the fitness promise. I said to myself that I would walk into town today and I did! I then walked around town and then went home. Now, my legs hurt and I thought I should have caught the bus. I could have inspired a relative to try a healtier lifestyle...I didn't. Unless helping with making the chilli was inspiring? But I did set aside practical decisions about money! I came to the decision to buy a new computer whilst it's cheap before it goes up in price on Tuesday. If that's not practical, then I don't know what is. And as far as this relationship goes, who's to say that it isn't my own?

19th - What did it say?:
The waiting is over, as the sun races into your sign, so this is the perfect weekend to launch plans. You can make two deeply personal dreams real. You could give a long-term relationship a subtle, sexy makeover or find a soulmate. You're back to your best and people respond so well.

Was it all it said it was?:
Sat here, I'm thinking "what happened on Saturday?" Oh yes. Of course. I bought myself a new computer. This could be these new plans, no? As in, to get my recording in under way, I would have to buy a new computer (my laptop is now crippled). The waiting was over and so I trundled off to Argos to finally get my new gadget. Half the story then. I don't feel my best...

20th - What did it say?:
Whether it's a relative - or you - that needs to create a new 'nest', you may be involved with discussions with repairers or removers. Your brain cells could be challenged too and you may need to explain your understanding of rules and regulations - and even of day-to-day operations. You could, however, astound a Leo with your understanding.

Was it all it said it was?:
This was quite insulting! I don't think I've ever challenged my brain cells so who's to say that Sunday would be any different? Nothings broken, nothing needs moving and there's nothing accurate about these. I think I bigged up horoscope.co.uk and now I feel let down.

21st - What did it say?:
Clever Mercury moves in to your sign to make you the zodiac's mastermind. You believe in your own ideas and others have confidence in you. You could solve a family mystery in a way that makes you richer in more than money. Love asks a question that needs a thoughtful answer.

Was it all it said it was:
Good gracious, I'm turning into Scooby-Doo. Or at least it says I am. The first time I read this I thought, by the way it was worded, it looked like if I solved the mystery, I would find money. Only when I read it again, it told me I'd be richer in more than money. However, when I was talking to my friend Rowan about our own music projects, he said he was looking forward to my ideas. Whether this was confidence in my or he's just eager to listen is another story. This doesn't dwell upon it. And aren't all questions about love thoughtful? I mean proper not just, "yeah, that'll do..."

It's not looking fruitful, is it?

The BRIT Awards 2011

2011-02-16T16:31:00.004Z

The British music industry; once thriving with rock 'n' roll, Britpop, punk, synthpop of the 70's and 80's and of course cheesy 90's pop! There must be an award ceremony every year celebrating the best of the past years great music. These are musicians; music is an art and there are those who should be awarded for their contributions. But, that was in the past. This is 2011 where the music found in the charts is nothing like what it used to be. It's no surprise then that this years BRIT's I thought should have been spelt with a 'Sh' because oh my word was it a shamble. Admittedly, nothing went wrong, as an award ceremony it went the way it should have done. Perfect. The thing with it was the actual awards and who they went to...Ah. We do have a bit of a problem.

Set the scene at the beginning of the night. Filmed in the glorious O2 "Millennium Dome" Arena, the award ceremony was in-under way with a performance of Kids from manband, Take That. This was their first BRIT's as a 5 piece since reforminglab and you could tell Robbie Williams was there. He was the one that tried to out-do the other 4, ergo, not very well. Things started to take a turn for the weird when a million riot police officers entered the stage. I thought everything was going to kick off. No. They started dancing! If only they did this during the recent education fees riots.

Enter next, stage right, James Corden, the host! Big guy but strangely doesn't follow the formula for 'Fat = Funny.' What was wrong with Peter Kay? He genuinely is funny. He was last year and his comment on Liam Gallagher from Oasis will go down as one of his best quips! But no. James showed us the new statuette, which my sister claims looked like a Barbie doll dressed as a Roman Centurion. Which is quiet a bold statement seeing as it was designed by Vivienne Westwood. How could it have gone so wrong? It did look like a Barbie doll draped in a union flag. The old BRIT was gold. Now, as an effort to cut back on money (?), it's now made of polystyrene! Gold is sparkly and you can shine it when you get bored. What can do with polystyrene apart from rubbing it with more polystyrene and make snow?

And to an award. The first one was British Male Solo Artist. Nominations included: Mark Ronson, Paul Weller, Plan B, Robert Plant and Tinie Tempah. There's two heavies of classic rock in there - Paul Weller of The Jam and Robert Plant from the almighty Led Zeppelin. Of course, in an ideal world, the award would have surely gone to either of them. But we don't live in an ideal world which meant the award actually went to Ben Drew aka Plan B - A whiney voiced, Dermot O'leary looky-likey, London 'soul-rapper' who describes himself as a male Amy Winehouse. Of all the people to compare yourself to, why Amy Winehouse? Surely he could have said someone with a bit more street-cred. He accepted his award, or at least I think he did. I dunno. He murmered into his microphone so we shall never know. Either that or he is actually the dullest person in the known world. It makes you think though...If this is Plan B, how badly did Plan A have to fail before Plan B was a feesable option?

We then cut to James Corden and his new best friend, Justin Bieber. There's a talk that involves why Justin is there (and presumably why he is still up way past his bedtime). It then ends with him groping James Corden's face which has to be the most unsettling thing I've seen on television this year. There is not enough brain-bleach in the world...

Our next award, British Breakthrough Act, was presented by Fearne "I'm-still-eleven-years-old" Cotton. The nominees: Ellie Goulding, Mumford & Sons, Rumer, Tinie Tempah and The XX. To be brutally honest, none of them deserve it because they've all, apart from Rumer and The XX, have had enough time to get established. The winner was the gorky glasses wearing, Patrick Okogwu. Not a very street name. Hence why he's known as Little Tantrum. No, I mean, Tinie Tempah (forgive the spelling mistakes). Probably down to the success of his album Overy of Discs but mostly down to the fact that Frisky and Pass Out are played every-damned-time I go to a nightclub. Why do popstars wear them big glasses? I'm sure they can a). pay for better glasses, b). pay for contact lenses or c). get lasered. The only person who can make them glasses look good is Buddy Holly. And he's a legend. My sister says that they look like 3D glasses with the lenses knocked out. Tinie, you should have gone to Specsavers.

The next award of the night was International Album. Nominations (I'm going to start sounding like I'm presenting the awards soon) are: Arcade Fire - The Suburbs, Cee Lo Green - The Lady Killer, Eminem - Recovery, Katy Perry - Teenage Dream and Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown. For a category in pop I would have to say Katy Perry should have won this but sticking to my band routes, I would have like Kings to have won. But no. They didn't. The Arcade Fire won. Whose voting for these? I've never heard anything by them. I've heard at least one song from the rest of them but nothing springs to mind from The Arcade Fire. "The guy in the weird blazer" told me to Google them. So I did. To find out who they were! This is what happens when America tries to imitate our precious Indie Rock. It's like DVD's from over there. It doesn't work!

Rihanna then did a performance in some spaghetti and set the stage on fire. Literally! Afterwards we were treated to the Critics Choice Award. No word of the nominees on the night - a bit harsh, it's their night too - but they were Jessie J, The Vaccines and James Blake. Jessie J won the award. Believe it or not, Jessie wrote songs for Miley Cyrus so cheesey pop is in her veins. And I thought Billy Ray Cyrus wrote them all...

Next on our agenda was a performance from past by Mumford & Sons who own a banjo. They sang about valleys and what-not and my eagle-eyed sister noticed that they were a bit like Cletus Spuckler from The Simpsons. "Brandine, I done busted my stink-bowl," "Hey I can call my Ma from up here...Hey Ma! Get off the dang roof" and "I cain't. I jus simply cain't" where all thrown around. I've said it before, banjo's don't work in 'bands' unless you're a blue-grass band or simply doing a one off like Travis did in Sing.Travis aren't Yokels for a start. It just all seems a bit too...erm...Deliverance to me! The less said about that, the better. But it was 3 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. That was the performance by the way...

It was all about the music this year (wasn't it last year?) and the next award showed us the nominations for International Male Solo Artist: Bruce Springsteen, Cee Lo Green, David Guetta, Eminem and Kanye West. Bruce Springsteen to win? Nah, who am I kidding? Cee Lo Green actually. Wait, this isn't too bad. He's one who deserves his award. Well done Cee Lo! But thankfully, it wasn't David Guetta, who just presses 'play.' Next...

A big one...British Single - Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull - All Night Long, Cheryl Cole - Parachute, Florence & The Machine - You’ve Got The Love, Matt Cardle - When We Collide, Olly Murs - Please Don’t Let Me Go, Plan B - She Said, Scouting For Girls - This Ain’t A Love Song, Taio Cruz - Dynamite, Tinie Tempah - Pass Out and The Wanted - All Time Low. None of them need this! And look at this...count them. There's 1...2...3...FOUR X Factor related songs there. Thankfully Little Tantrum walked away with award leaving Simon Cowell crying into his gold-leaf satin-velvet pillows. Swings and roundabouts! Patrick didn't make a very good speech. He wanted his good rapper friend Labrinth to join him on stage for this award. But Labrinth was no where to be seen. Maybe he had gone off in anger at not being nominated but his friend had twice. And won twice. This caused me and my sister to shout "get on with it!" at the screen.

After this encounter with the American Indie band (it doesn't work!) we go back to see what 14 year old Plan B could deliver. Honestly, he looked like more like Ben Mitchell when he was in court last year in EastEnders than a London rapper! There was a judge playing the drums too. Just like the real world. This soon turned into a riot. Again, more riot police. What is it with riot police? That's twice tonight. It ended with Plan's hand bleeding, people beating up other people (who we thought weren't part of the act. That would have been a turn up for the books...It was pretty brutal to say the least) and a guy being set on fire. Was it just me or was that just a little bit harsh for a squeeky clean award ceremony?

The award everyone was dreading, International Breakthrough Act. The nominees were: Bruno Mars, Glee Cast, Justin Bieber, The National and The Temper Trap. Lo and behold the little girl that is Justin Bieber won. I decided there and then that the British Music Industry really has taken a dive into shark invested hydrochloric acid. He can now add it to his collection of other dolls that he has. Who or what thinks that the best International Act to come out of America (because that is classed as "International" now-a-days) last year should be a 16-year-old lipstick-wearing boring untalented uneducated pre-broken voiced schoolboy?

Moving swiftly away from one girl to another for British Female Solo Artist. The acts nominated were: Cheryl Cole, Ellie Goulding, Laura Marling, Paloma Faith and Rumer. I have no idea who Laura Marling is, what style she sings and indeed what she sings. But Mastercard somehow do and so they awarded her with the BRIT. Sister says she could have made a bit more effort with her dress sense. Too true. She did look like she was on day release from the funny farm. And yes, that was the sound of a "National Treasure" hitting the bottle.

Finally, we got to hear a song by The Arcade Fire! Turns out they jump around a lot and have a keyboard player that looks like she hits shoe soles as percussion. And I still don't remember any of it. Must have been the reason why they won the award earlier.

James Corden went to speak with last years British Male Solo Artist, Mark Ronson (who is famous for covering other peoples songs). He said that his favourite band in the world had just played live on stage causing speculation that Mark is actually a suck-up. The voice over lady, who hasn't sounded excited at all tonight, told us to come back after the break as Tinie Tempah has an explosive performance coming up. Again wishfully thinking I waited. It wasn't as explosive as I thought. It featured a lot of Tinie clones and some bad lyrics and absolutely no explosions. I was disappointed

International Female Solo Artist was next up with Cheryl Cole presenting the awards. She appeared to be a bit tipsy. Ahh, nothing like drowning your sorrows when you don't win, eh Chezza? And she knew she wouldn't win this one because Newcastle isn't international. Yet. Nominees were: Alicia Keys, Katy Perry, Kylie Minogue, Rihanna and Robyn. Since Katy Perry didn't win the last award she was nominated then she deserved this one even more. Unfortunately it was given to Rihanna - famous of course for repeating a lot of the chorus. ("Umbrella-ella-ella", "Rude Boy-Boy", "Ooh na-na, what's my name" etc). Alright, I did think she deserved this though but still not as much as Miss Perry/Mrs Brand. Well done Rihanna-anna-anna-eh-eh-eh...

British Group was the next category. The acts that were nominated were: Biffy Clyro, Gorillaz, Mumford & Sons, Take That and The XX. There are two there I desperately wanted to win. Biffy Clyro have been the rock revolution that came early last year, way before uber-div Matt Cardle came along and ruined a wonderful song, so they should have won it, hands down. Gorillaz showed us that they can pack out Glastonbury and that Damon Albarn has still got his creative spark. But as with the way with things, neither of them got the award. Take That did. Robbie Williams said "Shabba" of the success. Shabba is Randomish for "good" according to the Urban Dictionary. Glad we're clear on this.

And finally! The last award of the night - the coveted MasterCard British Album of the Year. Here were the nominations: Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More, Plan B - The Defamation of Strickland Banks, Take That - Progress, Tinie Tempah - Disc-Overy and The XX - XX. Again, it was the same sh...ugar different award. None of them should own the award for Album of the Year. But The Fokel Yokel's got it. Bleeding Mumford & Sons. If this is what we're starting to like then God help us all! If music from the 14th century is what we British crave then I am ashamed of the music industry as it stands today. It looks like I won't be following the removal companies advice. I'll be sighing for a lot longer now. We needn't worry though because the night was wrapped up by Cee Lo Green and Paloma Faith which was a great ending to an atrocious ceremony.

My point is all my favourite songs from last year were mostly from America. Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, I'm pointing the finger at you. We have this rich heritage for epic music. From rock, we've had The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Queen, David Bowie, U2, Blur and Radiohead. From synthpop and dance we've had Duran Duran, Tubeway Army, Depeche Mode, Calvin Harris, The Chemical Brothers and FatBoy Slim. And then up to and through the 2000's we had Keane, Kaiser Chiefs, Franz Ferdinand, The Fratellis, Muse, Editors, Hard-FI and Coldplay. All of these still get airplay and in some cases are still at it. We can prove to the world we can make globally recognised music that is loved by anyone at anytime. Now it looks like all we can produce is some nobody who has won a talent contest because of a phone vote. Or the best band we can produce are 4 men who let their significant other back in because he's a bit strapped for cash. We don't make great tunes for 50 years and then give up because Simon Cowell says so. We can do it. We just need to get motivated otherwise the biggest award ceremony of the year will be the Grammy's...Which I'm pretty sure it is.

Alright...subject aside. I know I've come across as harsh with this, especially when I said that no one deserves the awards they deserve. I don't not like any of these acts, they're all in their own way, artists. I admire them as musicians, singers and performers (it's only when they start miming. That's when my blood starts to boil). And the truth is, no one deserves any award for music. That looks bad but it isn't because obviously everyone would be liked to recognised for what they do. Truth be told, if like me you enjoy creating music, playing it, doing whatever with it, your reward should ultimately be the success and reputation you've gained no matter how well known you are or not. That means that it's the chance to say "yes, this is mine. People are liking this, I am happy." You don't need a polystyrene Barbie doll to tell you 'you've done so-and-so well.' Musicians shouldn't be in it to make a quick buck. They should do it because they enjoy it. If people like it and you start getting copious amounts of money for it then let that be a bi-product. At the start of my music "career," way back when The Vaultz's MySpace page (yes, that long ago) was created, an instrumentalist got in touch with us mistakenly thinking we had recently performed a gig. I replied to him that there must have been some mix-up as we had only just started a week or so ago. He, and I was grateful for the advice he gave, said (and I shall probably keep this with me until the day I die) something like "Never EVER do it for the money because if you do, you will fail daily. Do it because you want to do it" and he wished us success for the future. It was probably common sense but it was hauntingly stuck. It was sound advice from this wise Gandalf of the music world, whoever he was. Of course, being recognised is great. It shows you if you're going in the right direction. But it's not the thing you should be fighting for. And with that I say...stick up ya middle finger and bring on the NME awards!

A month as told by Horoscopes - Week 2

2011-02-16T00:06:00.002Z

Compared to last weeks abysmal predictions, I'm wondering if this week is going to be the same...What am I supposed to do? Do they tell the future? Or am I supposed to make it happen. Even if it's overtly difficult? Well, here we go again...

8th - What does it say?:
A family relationship may demand a lot of you, especially if it involves a new arrival. Even if love is the last thing on your mind, by the end of the day you could be making big plans with a partner. Single? The initial B is the key clue.

Was it all it said it was?:
Again, we're off to a bad start. No, it's not very clear is it? "If it involves a new arrival?" No. There was no new arrival today. And what do you mean "if?" It might as well as say "if it involves eating soup" or "dancing." This is the second time a new arrival has been expected in the space of a week! Are they re-using old tat? As for the B's, no B's or anything to remotely do with B. Apart from Backdoor. I went through it go to get some Bolognese. No big plans at the end of the day. No luck! And I don't see a family relationship can relying on me.

9th - What does it say?:
Mind planet Mercury goes into the hidden part of your chart so you can solve the mystery of how you feel about someone. When you visit a building for the first time, yet feel you know it, it's a strong sign you could work or live there. Single? You see the look of love in psychic eyes.

Was it all it said it was?:
Surprisingly, no. I'm starting to feel a little short changed with these. They promise the Earth but they give you a grotty housing estate. There isn't any mystery about how I feel about anyone. However, what isn't explained is how you can go about seeking these goals. Are they supposed to happen the day they are predicted? Or can one let them happen in the near future and keep it open-minded? I say that because within the next month I am going on a visit to Southampton's University and New College in Nottingham. Both of which will be new buildings. Both of which could possibly be where I live (or surrounding area). But if that's the case it may very well be the Tesco they're building on the opposite side of the road.

10th - What does it say?:
Knowing you're with people who want you to do well could bring out abilities you never knew you had. The moon gives you a true understanding of a family situation and you handle it well. When it comes to love, someone you think is just an acquaintance could become your perfect partner.

Was it all it said it was?:
Ooooohhhh, this isn't working. It's bum-rubbish! First of all, nothing came up about a family situation. Not even when Grandad paid a visit. And I've got loads of acquaintances. And anyone of them could be a perfect partner! Narrow it down for Jaysus sake.

11th - What does it say?:
Okay, admittedly, I forgot to write this one down. But what I can remember was "smile in a coffee shop for luck" or words to that effect...

Was it all it said it was?:
I didn't go to a coffee shop. To do that I would have to go to town and that's a bus ride away. There's a nearby Bistro but if the stars meant Bistro then they would have meant Bistro. I had to try make do with what I got given to me...I went to Asda ready to smile at anyone in the Café. Lo and behold, there was no one there. It's like they saw me arrive and duly left.

12th - What does it say?:
Mars moves through the hidden part of your chart and a passionate message could arrive in a mysterious way. You have exciting choices to make. The moon focuses on family life to add understanding and tolerance. The photo you take could reveal you have genuine talent.

Was it all it said it was?:
More about the moon and it's focuses. I have an exciting choice to make apparently. I can't think what that was. This is going back to the first horoscope I read on the 1st of February. I've got loads of exciting choices I could make...Not a slight clue? The last part of it makes sense a little, because I did take a photo today! It's of this!

If taking pictures of newspaper snippings for the purpose of making them easier to remember is a talent, the sign me up for Britains Got Talent!

13th - What does it say?:
Just how much responsibility you need - or want - to take could be an issue. Whether at work or on holiday, basic necessities might need more attention than usual. You might also wonder if you should let someone in on a 'secret'. The issue here could be about trust - and whether you'd then need to tell the person concerned about deals you've done in the past.

Was it all it said it was?:
We welcome back horoscope.co.uk's daily reading in the hope of being accurate. Or at least we wanted to. I have no secrets for a start. It is just words. I've read it numerous times and I can't figure out what it wants me to do. Sort out some basic necessities. Like what? You're being too vague. Fail. As far as I can see.

14th - What does it say?:
I missed it again. Sorry

Was it all it said it was?:
No, it isn't. It isn't there...Sorry

A month as told by Horoscopes - Week 1

2011-02-07T22:45:00.001Z

Recently, whilst reading through the newspaper, I got to the horoscope section, next to the Wallace and Gromit cartoon. It made a prediction that I thought would change my life and indeed my opinions on the Stars and this weird planetary reading thing once and for all. It predicted that I, as a Piscean, would have 'lotto luck.' I went out and bought a lottery ticket, one line of numbers chosen by myself and a lucky dip. I was waiting in anticipation for the Lottery to come up. Turns out, I had just wasted £2 on a worthless piece of paper and unlike someone, I was going back to work on the Monday. Is it a ply? Do they actually work? Are people as gullible than me? From that experience I would say avoid them like James Corden avoids a salad bar. But that was only one experience of a horoscope. So, over the next 28 days (the least amount of days in a month, thank you February) I've taken it upon myself to publish all of the days readings from The Sun and horoscopes.co.uk for Sunday because the News of the World don't publish them (as far as I'm aware. I tried to look for theirs on their website but it just kept told me to spend money to see the page. Oh nonono) and see if they do show some truth that the stars hold the answers for love, life and some other third thing beginning with L. Or if they are a L...L...L...load of bullrubbish. Oh dear, what have I let myself into?

February 1st - What it says:
Mind planet Mercury helps you focus on your plans instead of being distracted by others - and you can make exciting progress. The moon in the most sociable part of your chart gives you tantalising love choices to make. Luck links you to a Gemini friend.

Was it all it said it was?:
Well, day one hasn't got the greatest wording ever. But focusing on the points I can see none of them making sense. My plans? I have loads of plans at the moment, for example - do I buy a new computer? Should I buy a VW Polo or consider an alternative? What is for dinner tonight? But I like the fact that I could make exciting progress with it, whatever it is. As for the moon, it may be the sociable but not the most desirable. Not when it's compared to say, Jupiter. Jupiter is bigger and a lot more colourful than our Lunar. Unless, it's more centred on my search for a job, which was my main focus of yesterday. It's a day behind. Don't tell me what's already happened! I can do that with my memory. And I can't think of a Gemini friend who is going to help me in my search for what I want for dinner...Nil points so far, I'm afraid.

February 2nd - What it says:
Your inner strength is doubled by Mars and a fresh start will get a precious project moving again. Being the first to say you think a relationship has a future feels like a gamble but it's the one you could win. Single? When a face from the past reappears you both could feel love. Luck travels north.

Was it all it said it was?:
Well, if I'm honest, part of it yes. "A fresh start will get a precious project moving again," it says. Since working in a soulless factory, I had no time for myself. I would literally get home and run people over on Grand Theft Auto IV, have dinner, watch telly and go to bed meaning my music was put on hold. Now that I don't work anymore (Not something I'm planning on doing forever) I can get back into my music and tonight I started writing a chorus to a tune I've had in the pipe works since last year. I've started the precious project again so to speak. Or could it be something to do with me tidying my room which I started but never finished? Hmmmm, both could be liable. I'm going to go with the music stuff. However the rest of it is naff. I didn't really see any faces today, apart from my own and I'm not that vain. Luck travels north. The furthest north I've been today is the other side of the settee. And that didn't make me feel luckier. So, slightly good but bad overall. Thank you Mars.

February 3rd - What it says:
You are in touch with other people's secret feelings now the moon sharpens your intuition. This makes you a good friend and an amazing partner. A fresh attempt to get along with a new face in the family will succeed this time. Single? Your ideal love has a gift for interpreting dreams.

Was it all it said it was?:
No. None of this is relatable. I like the fact that it makes me a good friend and an amazing partner BUT there is no new face in the family from either side, mother or father, and if I could find someone who can tell me what I was on when I dreamt that I was working behind the scenes on a TV show and crashing a high-rised train into a car with Norris from Coronation Street then that should be a God send regardless of being an ideal love or not. I think it was something to do with the cheese...It was either too much or not enough.

February 4th - What it says:
Now you can balance keeping a partner happy and finding time for your own friendships and projects. Single? The moon in your personality chart will love match you with another Pisces. Your blend of intuition and logic helps you find the answer you need to be a winner.

Was it all it said it was?:
It's not accurate from the start. I don't have a partner. In a nutshell it was basically what it said yesterday. What is my personality chart? I somehow imagine a wall poster with the days of the weeks and "be (emotion)" like Monday - Be happy, Tuesday - Be thoughtful etc. All I can see with this is "Be unimpressed." I can find the answers to be a winner. I'm not falling for that old chestnut again. With losing the lottery like last time.

February 5th - What it says:
Venus checks in to the most sociable part of your chart and though you say you're just friends, there is love potential. In a relationship? The moon brings extra trust and passion. The family member furthest from you has extraordinary news just for you. Luck links to a local radio station.

Was it all it said it was?:
Pretty much the same? Yes. I don't like how they keep asking if I'm single. Yes, I am! Stop asking me. It's like a forceful peer saying "haven't you done the paper, YET!?" I'll get round to it, I've just got stuff on my mind. The moon is getting involved quite a lot by delivering extra trust and passion. Well it must have delivered it whilst I wasn't in because I got bleeding none of it. And I was waiting for this extraordinary news all day. That also must have came when I was out. But luck links to a local radio station. Lincs FM and Radio Lincolnshire are the only local radio stations. And they're really dull. I should have taken it upon myself to listen to it to see if there was any luck but I've got standards.

February 6th - What it says:
You might be energised by those born under Aries and Aquarius. Turning things around is likely - but at a literal level could damage your back. Involvement in a lively discussion about education is probable. You might prefer to choose someone with experience over qualifications for a task. Emotionally too you could be affected by someone's decision to change direction.

Was it all it said it was?:
This was all new. On the face it looked legit. After all, it is from Horoscope.co.uk. Firstly, I was born under Aries and Aquarius - my mum and dad. My word, this is more accurate. And that's where it ends. There's nothing there that's working here. But with that in mind, there's no "why aren't you married yet?" rubbish. I might start using these more often. They could work...and they're easier to copy and paste.

February 7th - What it says:
Clever Mercury helps you recognise respect can be just as important as liking people. This helps you work well with someone who can seem difficult. In your love life more trust means more passion. Single? A new face, with a name you recognise, would be an adventurous choice.

Was it all it said it was?:
Mercury is now clever. I haven't worked with a difficult person in a long time so this hasn't hit the nail on the head I'm afraid. Again with me being single...I get it! No new faces, no recognisable names, no adventurous choices.

So a week gone, three more to go...next post

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T10:00:00.025Z

Goodbye 2010! And hello 2011. Hope you all had a great past 12 months. And if you haven't read last year's roundup, I suggest you do so. It's good. So what of this blog? What's going to be new? Well, for a start, I'm quite proud at the 50 odd posts that I've managed to post this year and hopefully next year, there will be more of the same. And more. Admittedly, the majority of last years posts were from my driving experiences. That was a good 18 articles. And since I passed my test it means there's a big chunk gone already so these won't be present next year, unless something goes horribly wrong. So here's a few ideas of what we could be expecting for Twenny-leven on The Observation Blog

More on Travel - I love to travel around. It's easy to write about different places that aren't home. I tried to do this with one of my very first posts and that was about it. Nothing else was really done with it. I'll like to go to a place, see what's what and then write about it in my backwards quirky fashion. And I won't be writing about every other thing, just big trips.

Reviews - I could do reviews. Reviews on everything from movies, music, television programmes, websites. The list could be endless!

More lists - I had to think about this...do I really need more lists? Yes, yes I do! Because lists are simple, they get down to the point and eliminate any long typing sessions. So, yes, more lists!

More Tales - When I wrote the Bible story back in September, it gave me an idea. It just goes to show I can write fiction. Who knows? But on a more solid side of things, linking heavily with the Travel idea, I could make a picture story, visually showing the trip!

Videos - Probably. Depends if I can be bothered.

More on The Funny Side of Music - Because laughing at bad music is good. I wanna carry on with the 'Happy and Delightful World of Wormrot' style of writing.

The Funny Side of Television and Film - Because laughing at bad television is also good

More Advert Watching - Another thing to rip to shreds! Woohoo!

Generally, I would like to go back to the older way I started writing; big columns on stuff. I like doing this sort of writing. And since it's my playground to write my thoughts, I don't see what is stopping me! And of course, like with 2010's roundup, 2011 will have one too. This next one will be constantly fuelled whereas with last years, I started in August time and filled in the blanks (I didn't have one long typing session y'see). Now we start in January and end with December, so really, I'm not going to complete it until next year!

2010: An easy roundup

2011-01-01T00:00:01.374Z

So, there goes another year. And indeed another decade! 2010 set out to be a such a promising and calm year with everyone. After all, 2009 had been hectic on some peoples watches. WRONG! 2010 could have given '09 a run for its money, with its natural disasters alone! So here is a rundown of some of the most memorable aspects of the year just gone including natural disasters, politics and football (or at least making fun of football) as well as some that are notable to myself...
Oh and some of these events that happen on here aren't necessarily in the correct order. Or even the correct month (they tended to get more recognition in the months they are/should be presented in). Because, to be frank, most of it is going what my memory can remember. With a bit of help from Wikipedia for some clarification. Okay then, the year got off to a good start on a Friday...

JANUARY

We start with January, strangely enough. January is known for residing in winter and this year it was no different. Well, just a bit because this is because Britain got bombarded by copious amounts of snow. It stopped the country. Everyone was advised to go out only if it was completely necessary. Which in some cases, it was. For things like shopping, work and for the fun of it! It was nothing like last February's snow though. This was powdery stuff that didn't compact very well, so it made awful snowballs and even worse snowmen. But it still froze and made travelling very bad indeed. Britain was running out of grit to put on it's roads and was importing it from overseas. It couldn't get here quickly enough, which is rather odd. How could we get through all this supply of grit and salt in a few days? However we did it, it stopped the country from functioning and moving. So we just went out and played in the snow whilst we could. Because that's what we should do when it snows. We don't get it very often and when we do, it's fantastic. People get days off work and school and they're happy. Which in January, when everyone goes back to work and school after Christmas when they don't want to, is perfect!

Cadbury Chocolate was sold to American company Kraft. A lot of people didn't like this, claiming now that the Americans have got hold of it, they'd change the flavour and other bad stuff. They said that because Kraft make aerosole-can cheese, they wouldn't do Cadbury justice. Now, Kraft own a lot of companies. Some of which include Nabisco, who are responsible for Oreo's which are delicious; Ritz biscuits, which are also delicious; and Toblerone, which is also delicious. Good brands and they've hardly changed.

In the world of gaming, Ubisoft released Just Dance for the Nintendo Wii last year but this household aquired this year. The game is incredibly fun even though it may not be the most technically advanced game with fantastical graphics or any mumbo-jumbo that's made the Xbox 360 or PS3 so popular. It's just a fun simple, arcady game that works on so many levels for so many people.

Other points of interest in January: James Cameron of Titanic fame released global sensation, Avatar. I know it wasn't released this year but I went to see it in February and I just wanted to place it on the list. I thought this was as good a chance of any. Titanic was the biggest grossing film ever until Avatar came along which blew the socks off of record breaking. January was the month Avatar was awarded the fastest grossing films in history after just 41 days; Burj Dubai, or Burj Khalifa to give it its formal name, was officially opened as the worlds tallest building showing that if you have a lot of money, you can make a sky scraper in the Arabian desert. Why? Because they can; China is named the biggest car consumer in the world. That's where all these emission are coming from! China! So forget anything you know about being green and "eco" and put your telly back on standby. You're fine; and the Apple iPad was unveiled to go along with the other iProducts.

FEBRUARY

Quite frankly, we had had enough of the snow in January. So February went one better by bringing snow to us via TV. I am of course talking about the Winter Olympic Games held in Vancouver, Canada. It started off quite slowly but after watching some of the games, it
started to grow on me. By the end of it I knew all sorts of terminology like Wu-tang - which is a snow ramp with the other side cut off - and Skeleton - which is a type of tea tray. Just don't go into a career of human anatomy with that fact. It was good, these games. I got some joy out of it and Great Britain came away with a gold medal thanks to Amy Williams hurtling down a frozen channel down a hill faster than everyone else in the world head first, which is no small feet, seeing as I would see this as genuinely terrifying. And for that Amy Williams deserves the praise. And it just goes to show, all that snow last month wasn't being wasted.

It wasn't all good news in February, which as we know, is famed for it's lovey-dovey day of love St Valentine's Day. This was a bad month for two people - Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole and her not so very intelligent husband, Ashley. He's a footballer so that statement is true even before I get down to the dirty...unlike Ashley. He cheated on one of the best out of all of Girls Aloud, and that's a difficult choice anyway! Now why did he do that? Who would you rather have as a lifetime companion? To have and to hold, and so on? Cheryl Cole, or a pizza face? Your move Ash...

But this was only the start of the football related breakups in 2010. John Terry, Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney all were in the same boat - leaving their wife/girlfriend for someone else (or words to that effect). Footballers are idiots. More money than sense, it quite clearly seems. Cut their salary. Now! They don't need the supercars, massive houses with swimming pools or designer clothes. They're not worth their wives or girlfriends in most cases. I'm mean, sticking with the "Pizza the Hut" analogy, look at Wayne Rooney. And then look to his wife, Coleen. At what point did she think, "Hmmm, that's a man a who I want my offspring to look like. He's definitely the one." She obviously isn't with him for his charm, wit, sophistication and dashing good-lucks. If that's the case, then you really do start to think who has the dwindling IQ. Both of them could be distracted with a bit of shiny foil. Which is why out of all the sporty-relationship people, Formula 1 drivers have got it down to tee. Ergo, Jenson Button is a very lucky man. Not only him, but the majority of the drivers are...go Google search 'F1 Wags' and see what I mean!
What really got my goat with this year is that Cheryl Cole is as lovely as any other Girls Aloud member but I did think it was a bit milked this year with her. Yes, she got divorced and yes she got malaria but to be told every waking hour; it does drive me a bit up the wall. She has been made out to be Saint Cheryl but she hasn't really done much this year. And that's even before the X Factor...and it's rigging.

Other points of interest in February: Toyota are sorry for their accelerators jamming making the car keep moving until it crashes; The Grammy and The Brit Awards were held (when really the award you want, is an NME award); Alice and Wonderland, remade by crazy Tim Burton and staring Johnny Depp, was released in UK cinemas; and as such, there was a dispute with it between Odeon and Disney. Still, arguments aside they made friends and everyone was happy; EMI put the iconic 'home from home of the Beatles' Abbey Road studios up for sale; China celebrates year of the Tiger whilst Tiger Woods says sorry for being a goon. Everyone is saying sorry a lot this month...Sorry!

MARCH

The planet was plunged into darkness. No, the sun hadn't exploded, although that would look good on here if it did. It was in fact, Earth Hour. March held Earth Hour where 4,000 cities around world turn off or dimmed their lights for 60 minutes for one day in the spring. I can't remember me switching off the lights. Probably because Lincoln never got told because it is so small, it wouldn't have really made that much of a difference. Set up by the WWF (The World Wide Fund, not the wrestling people), the aim was to get people to switch off power between 8:30 and 9:30pm to raise awareness for climate change. People may have switched off but I'm guessing other sides of the planet were still chucking out carbon dioxide with their petrol drinking cars and doom factories. In places like China. All while those in the dark were getting bruised shins from coffee tables, and were playing Scrabble via candlelight. Just like the old days!

ITV released to the press that they were going to stop making The Bill. The Bill ran for 26 years. 18 of them, I never watched it but many other people did. The main reason is that modern day police dramas aren't that good, especially when located in Britain, is they're not satisfying. Ashes to Ashes and Life on Mars were brilliant though, although, they had more of a sci-fi feel to them. The Bill didn't. Britain just doesn't do crime as well as somewhere like America, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know. American police and crime dramas are very gritty. Shows like the CSI series. America does it better. Maybe because they've got more money. For example: American cop chases use cars that are massive on power and size. They use Dodge Chargers as police cars which must be very intimidating in the rear view mirror. We use diesel Skodas and Vauxhall Astras the majority of the time. The most power British police forces get are Subaru Impreza's and Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X's but only if they've got bigger budget. And yet none of which appear in the high octane chase in a police drama. Make it like Starsky and Hutch! Boxes flying everywhere, driving down alleys, smashing things up and a 1970's crazy dress sense. That's how to do it!

Other points of interest in March: CERN's £6 billion, 17 mile long, Large Hadron Collider, set a record with a high-energy particle collision at 7 trillion electron volts. The LHC is responsible for creating a big scare back in September 2008 when they were going to switch it on without really knowing what was going to happen. Since it's 2010, I'm guessing things went well that day, but 7 trillion electron volts? Is that more or less than the De Lorean time machine from Back to the Future? It's far too sciency for me; David Beckham tore his Achilles tendon which meant he wouldn't play in the World Cup. My. Heart. Bled; Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic space rocket/aeroplane thing aptly named SpaceShipTwo had its maiden voyage meaning space travel, for you, is approaching fast!; And Michael Schumacher announces his return to Formula One meaning the track hosts such highly, skilled sportsmen such as Jenson Button, Lewis Hamilton, Fernando Alonso and now Schumacher!

*To be quite honest, I had to go through March with a fine comb. Even I was struggling to find news. I mean, the Bill...C'mon! Many thanks to Wiki for some "contributions."

APRIL

A Polish Airliner, carrying 96 souls, including the President of Poland, crashed in Russia. If only that plane was due to take off a week later, then them people would all still be alive today. This was because Icelandic stratovolcano - Eyjafjallajökull (yes, I cannot pronounce it either) - erupted.

This projected a lot of ash into the air which in turn grounded flights all around Europe. The ash was so fine, that it gummed up the fan blades in a jets engine; the engines would then fail and not work. Unlike a boat, when its engine fails, it's still a boat. But a plane suddenly turns into a big tube full of people in the middle of air with nothing to keep it hanging there. So, flights were stopped. This meant no one could fly out of the country and no one could fly back. It must have been a shame, that. Being stuck in a hot place like Florida or Spain to not be able to go back and stop getting a suntan. Ferries were packed to the gills with people trying to get back. That's said, you did get the satisfaction of looking up at the sky and seeing no vapour trails.

Gordon Brown called a general election in this month too. He decided he had had enough of being made fun of by Jeremy Clarkson and the guys on Mock the Week.

The Deepwater Horizon oilrig blew up. No joke, here it is.

This ended up spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico for a considerable amount of months, and it wasn't long until it ended up washing up on the shores. Greenpeace went mental. The oil was threatening ecosystems and there was nothing that could be done about it. It's oil. When it's gushing out of a pipe it goes where it wants. In a way, the oil was just replenishing itself by making more oil. Oil is a fossil fuel made from fossils of animals...if you do the maths, this means more oil. Ultimately, Britain gets the blame for this event because it's a BP (British Petroleum) Oilrig. What the Americans forgot to announce was that the rig was built, maintained and manned by themselves aka the Americans. And they had the cheek to give us stick! I was shocked and mortified. Even more-so than Greenpeace!

Other points of interest in April: It was quite spritely and fresh month; London staged the Marathon; Gordon Brown called a woman "a bigot"; A new series of Doctor Who, with new boy and new girl, Matt Smith and Karen Gillen, taking roles of The Doctor and Amy Pond (respectively, no doubt), rocketed onto our BBC screens; Sony and Microsoft got annoyed at how popular the Wii was and decided to release to the press, the PlayStation's Move and Xbox 360's Kinect respectively at this years Electronic Entertainment Expo (commonly E3). Things are heating up!; and I realised that ASDA staff get even the simplest things wrong.

MAY

Oh my gawd. Seems only yesterday I wasn't watching Big Brother, along with the rest of the country. The final series had started. I got such immense pleasure writing in a previous post that Big Brother was going to be cancelled. So I'm going to write it again. Big Brother got cancelled. Some wierdos went in, most, if not all, of them unacceptable in human society. Many came out. Unfortunately, all of them came out of the house. If they stayed in that would mean it would be some sort of prison. Sadly, Big Brother started off very well in the early years. Then it just became car-crash television. It was that bad it wasn't even given a Euro NCAP rating which means in some retrospect "if you drive this you will suffer in one way or another." Someone won and the rest didn't. They're all winners to me though. Winners of the saddest people award. Then more people went in for Ultimate Big Brother. Some of the world best known nobodies which included...er...yeah. Where do they get them from? Is there like a warehouse full of the people nobody wants but TV does? But, that's not the full Big Brother story. Y'see Channel 5 are thinking of buying the rights to it which could mean it would get moved to Channel 5. Happily, it could follow the same route as Robot Wars, which tragically was bought by Channel 5 and moved; showed one series; and was then cancelled. So it looks like it's goodbye to the late night Channel 4 showings of people sleeping. Goodbye to the lousy people and goodbye Big Brother!

End of Lost happened this month too, with Sky One showing it live from the US. It had been 6 long years of a meandering story and many cliffhangers but I watched it all. I was hooked to it. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Ben, Desmond, Locke, Sun, Jin, Hurley, Jacob, Sayid, Claire, Charlie and others (and The Others, coincidentally) were trapped on a mysterious Island that each of them and us audience had their and our own theories of its existence. It took forever to find out the ending but it was worth it. I could have easily gave up watching and thought nothing more of it. But I followed it from start to end. It was clever, witty, gritty and most of all mysterious and thrilling. I thought I was going to miss it, but to be honest, I'm glad it's over. I'm pretty sure if there were robot writers and actors, it seriously could have gone on forever!

May also gave us an election...

David Cameron of the Conservative Party soon became Prime Minister on the 11th when Gordon Brown resigned. That meant Cameron was given the keys to 10 Downing Street after a nail-bitingly close election. He also partnered up with Nick Clegg of the Other Party to create a coalition government. Many people didn't like this, including the Queen because she wanted to watch EastEnders but David had to pay her a visit so he could be appointed as the Prime Minister. So what of Gordon Brown? Tony Blair had at least managed to stay in the public eye (for the wrong reasons) but Brown had disappeared without a trace like an X Factor winner. Did he run away? Could he not face the music? Did he merely shrivel up? Where ever he his, I, for one, will still be thinking of him...and his funny, sad face.

Other points of interest in May: Jason Manford, the famous comedian, announced he was going to front the One Show on the BBC. He replaced Adrian Chiles - who is excruciatingly boring - who rightfully deserves to host ITV's morning show, Daybreak. Mainly because I don't watch ITV in the mornings. I'm solely a BBC Breakfast person. Jason did host the show with Alex Jones who could be Christine Bleakley (who followed Chiles to ITV) with a welsh accent; like March, not a lot else happened.

JUNE

Probably, the most notable thing of June and if you're a football nut (or, what I will now call being footy nutty) in the summer, was the FIFA World Cup. We're not stretching to 'event of the year' because if you think it was, then sorry; you're just a bit dull. Held in South Africa, it was the staging of the worlds biggest Vuvuzela concerts.

Now, I don't particularly like football (and Vuvuzela's for that matter) but like the Winter Olympic Games, when it's on, it's hard not to avoid it, especially in a country where football thrives. It was another chance for footballers to get their faces on TV and not the front pages for copping off with anything with a pulse. Long story short, Spain beat Holland in the final. This was quite fine, Spain deserved their triumph. England, however, did not. They were playing in Group C and their first match was against the USA. A country known for its football against a country not really known for its "soccer." England scored, well done. Have a peanut. But then America scored and the game was a draw. USA must have felt dead impressed with themselves by holding off a team full of world renowned players. Game two to feature England was against Algeria. I vaguely know where Algeria is yet the better team didn't score. Algeria gave England a run for their money. Final England game of the group was against Slovenia. Nope, don't know where that is either, and yet they lost! They did manage to get out of the Groups behind America but who wants to be behind America when we can take the lead? It meant that England were then faced up against Germany. No surprise, they lost that too. 4 - 1 to be precise. They were expected to go all the way, England, but they only scored a measly 3 goals out of 4 games. They came back to booing fans, no doubt. This is what happens when you pay 11 people a gazillion pounds for 90 minutes work.

BBC announced that it was the last of the Last of the Summer Wine ('bout bloody time!).

The Beeb hasn't stated why, so maybe I can give you a reason why it got shelved. No body watched it. The BBC have a very weird way of dealing with programmes. For instance, they chose to cancel Lee Mack's brilliant sitcom, Not Going Out, which is laugh out loud, crying in hysterics funny, but still kept the slow and laborious LotSW. Summer Wine is about 37million years old. It's so old that not only has it gained the world record for the longest running sitcom on the planet, it is also held responsible for single handedly wiping out the dinosaurs. They simply got bored to death and couldn't carry on. Thankfully I have never watched Last of the Summer Wine and as such, haven't met the same fate.

Other points of interest in June: Mars was discovered to once having an ocean; the long awaited sequel Toy Story 3 blasted its Pixar socks onto the cinema screens; someone breaks into the England Football Team changing rooms, hopefully to tell them to stop being a bunch of pansies; and finally a mention from Wimbledon 2010. Tennis isn't really that interesting at the best of times, just watching a yellow fuzzy ball bounce from player to player. But this years match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut was one to go down in history. It was the worlds longest game and it lasted 183 games spanning over 11 hours (not counting breaks). 11 hours! That's tennis elbow, tennis knee, tennis wrist, tennis ankle, tennis shoulder...if such illnesses exist. Which they now do after this game!

JULY

As if global disasters weren't enough this year, Pakistan got hit by torrential rain resulting in a very big flood. This disaster was so big, it was compared to Hurricane Katrina. Pakistan got very wet indeed and required help and aid from all over the world, most notably from Britain. Correct me if I'm wrong but we suffered torrential rain in 2007 and I don't recall Pakistan, or any other country, offering us help. We also had an earthquake too that year and no one helped us then either. The world has gone mad. They want help from us but they don't want to help us. It's a two way street world. Two way! To make matters worse, Pakistan didn't even have access to the BBC Weather website, so they couldn't check the weather an hour before it struck. And being Pakistan, there's no boats. So they were asking for money and boats! Who do we know that has money and a boat? One of the Dragons from Dragons Den (Actually, James Caan went over there but not to give them one of his yachts. They didn't like that).

Mayor of London, bumbling Boris Johnson, set up a scheme with Barclays Bank to have bikes positioned around London to cut down traffic. This is a very good idea. I went to London and the amount of people who now cycle around looks like sheer lunacy. I'd say the more loony part of the story was that it's an idea by Boris Johnson that has taken off (even though it was a Ken Livingstone idea). A lot of people have taken to it though. It's slightly cheaper than the bus or tube or taxi; you get the exercise; and you don't have to pay congestion charge. Whats more, you're not making Global Warming, so you're being friendly to the planet also! Another upside is that other modes of transport, like the London Underground, won't be full of boring people reading the Metro. They'll all be on the surface riding their Boris Bikes. The only thing is, if your in cycling distance to wherever you want to be, chances are you live in London. In which case you can afford to go on the Tube every day. And riding a bike can become very monotonous after a very short time; you'll get knackered and probably be ran over by a tour bus. Go on the Tube. It's more fun! But don't because it'll get full.

Other points of interests in July: The oil leak was stopped with a massive concrete cork; Singer George Michael crashed into Snappy Snaps with his Land Rover to which someone wrote "WHAM!" on the broken wall. Some funny man has a good sense of humour; Cheryl Cole got more bad news when she got malaria after visiting Tanzania, although I think it was all them bad singers she hangs around with; Paul the Octopus officially retired from guessing the football results. Paul became world famous after he correctly predicted the scores from the World Cup matches in Germany. Well done that 8-legged sea creature!; Robbie Williams is starting to run out of money, so he rejoins Take That, which even I think is bad move; and a replica of Bloodhound - the 1,000mph record-breaking car - was revealed to show the world press what British engineering really looks like. When I say British engineering, I do in fact mean bolting a couple of wheels to a Typhoon Eurofigher engine. Still, it's British. We don't do things by halves when it comes to the bestest/fastest/coolest.

AUGUST

August was a simple month. It was kicked off with the wedding of Lisa Simpson to Hugh Parkfield.

It didn't last long.

There was also the start of the X Factor, which stirred up much controversy when there were fears over "singer" Shirlena Johnson. She was pulled out of the competition over a dispute about her mental illness. If that's the case, the why didn't they pull out all of the competitors. You've got to be mad to enter something like the X Factor and think that you'll get the recognition you think you deserve. Even the first show of the series caused yet more debate when it was blasted for using Auto-tune. Auto-tune does exactly that. It automatically tunes a persons voice. But the singing was so bad, Auto-tune lost faith and committed suicide whilst the acts were supposedly singing. Louis Walsh also claimed that if John and Edward Grimes of Jedward had used Auto-tune, then they would have won. Yes, Louis. You string along that brilliant anecdote. I'm starting to wish they did win. Mainly because we never really hear from the winner ever again. Joe McElderry anyone? Leon Jackson? Nope? (Matt Cardle will join this list, I'm sure in the not to distant future).

I rest my case.

A copper/gold mine collapsed in Chile, trapping 33 miners 702 metres underground in an elaborate attempt to dig to China. They were left with only a small place to live and call home. For the next 4 months! Because at the time, it was claimed they wouldn't be rescued until Christmas. 4 months of doing nothing, surrounded by 32 other miners in exactly the same situation. I spy would get a bit tedious after a while.
"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...R."
"Is it rock?"
"Yes! How did you know?"
"Because it was rock the last time"
"Okay, my turn. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...R"
"Rihanna...?"
Don't get me wrong, but aren't miners good at digging? Can't they dig their way out?

Mary Bale was an unknown Coventry banker in July. But come August, she became a public hate figure. Not in her own street, own town or even Coventry for that matter, but around the globe. The entire planet! What did she do to get all this grief? Shall we cue video? Yes we shall!

What was captured on the CCTV camera was her putting a cat in a bin. And the world hated her for it. They sent her death threats for what she had done. There was speculation from the bank where she works claiming she'll lose her job. Which would have then resulted into her not getting another job and so losing money. She's going to end up on the street with no home and being torn to pieces with words of spite from passersby, all because she put a cat in a bin. Imagine what the response would have been if she put an endangered species like a polar bear in a bin. Although that would take some skill. And probably would have won £250 from You've Been Framed.

Other points of interest from August: People got A-level results, got told that they may not go to University, but did; People got GCSE results; Pakistan are still searching for the plug (ask if anyone on the Gulf of Mexico can help); Swine Flu officially ended. It just stopped. Probably as a result of watching Last of the Summer Wine; and Ferrari's new 458 Italia keeps catching fire, which is quite sad as it is one of the best looking cars from the thoroughbreds in a long time. Ferraris are known for their exotic flare and power but sometimes they don't need to be filled with napalm. They're just as good with the V8 filled with petroleum distillate.

SEPTEMBER

Summer was over. Well, what we had of it. And September will always be remembered by people like myself, as the month where one person gave his life away by writing a book. Ben Collins is The Stig; Top Gear's famous and mysterious test driver. Collins wanted to publish a tell-all book revealing the The Stig's true identity, but a BBC contract stated that he should keep schtum, which is what he should have done. He didn't want to and so he took the BBC to court to get it settled once and for all. Just think for a moment. The Stig got to do all sorts on Top Gear. Not just driving fast and exotic cars but rubbing shoulders with all manor of celebrities, travelling the country and the world, and yet Ben Collins wanted to give all that up. That said, I don't think The Stig will be entirely deaded just yet.

In September, his Holyness, The Pope Benedict XVI paid a visit to the UK to promote his upcoming album: Fo Shizzle with The Pope Benedizzle.

He visited Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Birmingham - but not Manchester. He wasn't taking the risk. There is not enough bullet proofing in the world to go on his Popemobile. It only takes one wrong turning into a different district and what may be a way of showing off your status in perspex box on a Mercedes-Benz M Class could end up looking like swiss cheese. Anyway, back to the gigs. For these he sang many of his greatest hits, all of which appear on the album. They include Livin' On a Prayer; Like a Virgin and God is a DJ, innit. Word! He was supposed to do a duet with Susan Boyle but there are unwritten rules that state The Pope is not allowed to sing with another man in a dress. Slightly contradictory, I know. He liked his trip very much, or so I have been told. He was also given a gift by the Queen, who met him at Hollyrood House in Scotland. He was very pleased with his new 'Teapots of the 19th Century' book (from all good book stockists/Library). The Pope gave the Queen a can of Spray on Clothes. Which leads me nicely onto the next subject...

Believe it or not, it's all true, apart from the fact the Pope gave it to the Queen as a gift. Clothes that could be sprayed on. You couldn't write that stuff, not even if you tried. Watch the clip to see for yourself...

You really start to wonder when scientists start getting that bored that they have to redesign how we wear our clothes. What was wrong with finding new species? Or looking for other planets? Nevertheless, I'm still undecided whether or not this is a good idea. The 'spray on bandage' is certainly a very good idea, but clothes in a can? How would you aim for your back without missing and getting all over the mirror? It comes in a varied amount of styles, depending on how controlled you are with a spray can - ideal then, for any budding young graffiti artist who wants to wear their tags. But hang on! Where have I seen this before?

Ah, someones going to have to break it to them. Baggsie not me!

Other points of interest from September: More damned football was shown; American pastor Terry Jones was blasted by a lot of unhappy people for his plans on burning the Koran on the eve of 9/11. Yet when he stated he wanted to do the same thing with the Twilight Saga, no one batted an eyelid; four members of Pakistans cricket team were caught rigging bets. This upset the 19 people who actually watch cricket; The Sun changed the format of their television listing magazine, TV Mag, and replaced it with the brand new Buzz. In it featured a quiz section and in this was a pictogram - 3 pictures to make a phrase or name. Picture one was of the actor Steve McFadden from Eastenders (who plays Phil Mitchell). The second picture was of a fowl, maybe a chicken or turkey or something. And the last picture was of something being cooked in an Asian frying pan. Obviously, the answer was Stephen Fry (Steve-hen fry) and not Phil Cockwok as originally I thought; I also got on Paul Merton's nerves and finally, JLS released branded condoms. Which goes to show, if you buy anything with their faces on, you deserve never to have kids. Ever.

OCTOBER

Well, the time has now come where it gets colder, leaves are falling off the trees and it's getting dark before 7. In October, we got to a satisfying start to the month with the Ryder Cup of Golfing started. I think it started anyway. It did rain a fair bit. Thing is, this Cup was filling with water quicker than they could empty it, for it was held in Newport. And for all of you who aren't good at Geography and don't know where Newport is; it's in Wales where it rains a lot as Welsh funnyman Rhod Gilbert tells us [back when the 2007 flood hit]: "It rained for forty days and forty nights and that was still the best summer we've ever had - There was a hosepipe ban that year!" Of all the places in Europe the Ryder Cup could have been held, they chose Wales. Not Spain, or Italy, both of which as sunny and warm as each other but Wales. And to prove that I don't know anything about golf, I didn't realise that it was supposed to be played over 3 days and not 4. They don't play buy the rules in this game (metaphorically). Rain did stop play and the Green and the Fairway got wet and that's all I know about it. And I only know the words "Green" and "Fairway" from Wii Sports. However, this wasn't the only the sporting competition being held in October either...

Delhi hosted the Commonwealth Games which is a bit like the Olympics, just without America or Japan intervening and winning every-god-damned thing. But, if you remember, it nearly didn't happen! It came to 2 weeks before the games should start and India thought "We're supposed to holding the Commonwealth Games this month aren't we?...Maybe we should get started on building our stadium or something." It wasn't their only problem before the games too. A bridge collapsed; the athletes village had been cleaned with a headless mop; snakes were on the prowl for competitors; the diving board measurements where wrong; and not all the official timers were set up, which meant all records broken would not have counted at all. The builders were even stealing sand from the long jump pit to finish off the track. But Delhi pulled their finger out of their ears and started the games with an opening ceremony. All peachy until...

Wait...no. That's not a bomb. It may well look like one but it is in fact, a thing called an aerostat. Which is the posh lingo for 'big balloon.' That's just what it was - an $8 million helium filled balloon. Anyway, England came away from India with 38 gold medals and a total of 147 medals overall. Which isn't bad at all.

The Chilean version of Big Brother had finished...No, that is false information. I am sorry. The Chilean Miners were finally released from underground. Davina McCall wasn't there to welcome them out, which is a massive disappointment. However, this would have meant that every one of them miners would have wanted to go back down the hole they came from because it would have been better than having an interview. Look back when I first reported this in the article. It was claimed they'd be out by Christmas. They were out two months earlier because Christmas would get in the way of the rescue. Or the rescue would get in the way of Christmas. One of the two. They all came out looking healthy and cool. Even more so because they were all wearing designer sunglasses worth £250 each! Apparently it was to stop the miners dissolving in the sunlight, being underground for many days but why not just pick up a cheapo pair from Poundland? That would be a saving of £8,217. The miners went into recuperation...in a darkened room. This will slowly adjust them to the light or so we got told. Fighting fire with fire. Nice one! It must be a great feeling getting taken out of a dark place to get put into more dark. Andandand, don't get me wrong, but I think if they had said that they had struck oil down there, they would have been out in a matter of hours. Just saying...But hey, think of the overtime!

Wayne Rooney. Two words that are both as ridiculous as each other in any order. He had a massive dilemma on his paws this month - does he stay at Manchester United or does he move to a different Football club? After cheating on his wife, being dropped by numerous sponsors and generally being a good contender for 'Ogre of the Century,' - a coveted award that Shrek would also like to win - things weren't looking too good for him. Alex Ferguson, manager of Manchester United, was going to kick Rooney out of the club. Probably for being awful. With Rooney threatening to move to Manchester City and Real Madrid (and death threats from so called "supporters"), Ferguson finally decided to give him another contract - worth £250,000 a week making Potatoface the highest paid potato to do sod all. He didn't score in the World Cup. In fact, the only time he has scored this year was when...you can finish this sentence if you want. When will people learn? Football is dull. Footballers are dull. They don't care about the sport, not when they've got the sports cars, the trophy wife, the big house, etc. Wayne Rooney is an idiot. Honestly, he is as much use to England, Great Britain and indeed the entirety of The United Kingdom as the left hand side of the Countdown Clock.

Other points of interest from October: Toxic sludge entered the river Danube in Hungary. This meant the composition The Blue Danube by Johann Strauss had to be changed to The Red Danube; The new leader of the Labour party, one of the Milibands, has just as funny face as Gordon Brown; at 10 seconds 10 past 10 o'clock in the morning on the tenth, worlds clocks read 10:10:10 10/10/2010; the world's longest tunnel was unveiled (yes, all together now: "Booooring!"); Katy Perry got married to Russel Brand (lucky man); Paul the octopus (who had a higher input to the World Cup in one of his tentacles than the whole England team put together) sadly died. Don't tell the Koreans; I bought a nifty little Korg MicroKORG; Take That broke the internet. Well. Done!; and it was revealed that Glastonbury won't happen in 2012 because all the portable toilets will be in London for the Olympic Games. The term "portable toilets" is not intended to be an insult. It actually means 'portable toilets.'

NOVEMBER

The nights are really drawing in now but November really went off with a bang! Especially in Salford where a house spontaneously combusted. There was debris everywhere! But nobody noticed as there was already debris in their front gardens. Mostly in guise of old washing machines, fridges and sofas. The Chavs down this humble little avenue (of about 6 houses), which I shall call Chav Avenue, or 'Chavenue' for short, were ready to cash in with the benefits they could claim."Eet goze lyk diss yeah. I'm gettin, disrespeck'd, yah, coz ma 'ouse went and committed sewerside. I lost all ma special brew and fags and ma 10 DVD playaz that were tote'ly not stolen. And I feel lyk disrespected, d'ya get me? And now I ain't gotta job, do ya know wot a mean?" or "This is a shock. It somehow means I cannot work..." or words to that effect. They didn't work in the first place! It took me over a month to claim Job Seekers allowance when my bank account was into double figures for the first time in ever, yet they'll get seen to in a matter of days. They should work for their money. They could start with by repairing their own houses. It'd get the entirety of Chavenue to pitch in and work together; they all get something out of it; and builders don't have the fear that they'll get swindled and robbed.

November had one of the best day for television, as I recall. On a Wednesday, one could literally watch from quarter to 4 all the way to 10 past 11. We started with Countdown - where I watch to try and make naughty words but all I can manage is 'cat' or 'is.' And no matter what people say, Rachel Riley is better than Carol Vorderman in every way - pretty, intelligent, funny and much younger; next is Deal or No Deal where it is fun to watch people deal at £2,000 and realise they could have gone home with £100,000 more or get greedy and play 'til the end and only win £50. I also like how they believe there's a certain way to win when we all know it's chance. They just don't seem to know that; following that we have Come Dine With Me which is brilliant for one reason - Dave Lamb's sarcasm and wit. His endless put downs are the star attraction of the show, not the cooking or the people bitching about each other. Dave is a narrative genius; after that we have Celebrity Coach Trip, or Coach Trip feat. The Chuckle Brothers who are the only people I know and subsequently won; The Simpsons would then be on before we switch over to ITN because no one in this household cares about Hollyoaks. We'd rather hear about the Queen's Facebook page, thankyaverymuch; then onto the BBC we go to see the One Show (or as I call it, a toilet break); and after The One Show we get woken up and get some inspiration from Wallace & Gromit's World of Inventions; Jimmy Doherty's Food Factory - a cross between River Cottage and Brainiac - is then on after that; Nigel Slater's Simple Suppers is then next, because we all like good hearty, feel-good cookery show; The Apprentice follows afterwards, which I found myself watchin religiously; and then finally back to C4 to catch Rude Tube with the mad-as-ever Alex Zane for some internet video fun. Look at that list...go on. Apart from the news, which is more of a necessity than compulsive viewing, none of them programmes are on ITV. Mainly because they're rubbish 24/7. With the exception of anything with Harry Hill in. You can't go wrong with TV Burp or You've Been Framed to be honest.

BBC Children in Need was shown on the television. It featured performances from JLS, Susan Boyle and Cheryl Cole...all of which are ITV's responsibilities. All of which, coincidentally, are bad ITV responsibilities. This didn't seem help with the total. Now, there's nothing wrong with doing something for charity, but there is something wrong with a Telethon. There was probably a reason why, compared to last year, they raised more money than this year. Probably because it was better last year. Previously, a Children in Need themed programme would be shown when the news in on, like QI, but this year it was Mastermind and so was dreadful. Peter Andre. McFly performing and dancing. Loose Women performing a Girls Aloud song badly. Westlife. Who are they fooling? Can't Children in Need do some sort of deal and swap it with Comic Relief i.e. Have Red Nose Day annually and Children in Need every two years. The only good thing was the cross over of EastEnders and Coronation Street. And Tom Jones showing he can still belt out a cracking tune despite his age. And that was it. Nothing else was worth mentioning. The preview of the Doctor Who Christmas special was too short. Strictly Come Dancing isn't worth watching at the best of times, nevermind with one of the McFly people looking like he belongs in musical. And, what gets me is what happened to the £20-odd-million we gave them last year? And the year before? Still, it's enough to buy a Ferrari 250 GT ($10.9mill' a pop) with change. Sadly, they're all children and can't drive it. However, I did turn over when JLS did something because I found the rugby far more entertaining.

The Airbus A380-800 hit the news when one of its engines blew out mid-flight. Now, the A380 is the worlds biggest passenger airliner with two full decks running along its fuselage. A massive 463 people were on board Flight 32 when one of the Roll-Royce Trent engines gave up the ghost. Not only was the engine ruined but so was the controls, the fuel system and the landing gear. All vitally important as one another on a plane full of people. All in all, I don't think it was Roll-Royces fault. After all, they test their engines within an inch of their lives. So what could have possibly made this engine fail like in the picture below?

Luckily no one on board was injured. However, someone was hit by a bit of falling engine casing. Qantas...we're looking at you. Sometimes more isn't better.

Other points of interest in November: Call of Duty: BLOPS was released to the world. Many people liked it. I didn't really see the appeal seeing that many of the major game reviewers gave it on average 9 out of 10. Which is nothing compared to Grand Theft Auto IV's average of 10 out of 10. Up yours silly fish game!; I saw Red - the film, not the metaphorical term for being angry - which is fantastic and got lots of things blowing up. What's not to like?; The X Factor is rigged and is as real as Dannii Minogue's face (like we didn't see that one coming in a million squillion years); Jason Manford did something fantastic. No, not his Skype sessions (even he laughs at that now) but leave the One Show. Matt Faker will now present it and I see no reason to ever watch it again. They were sapping Jase of his true tallent - making me laugh; I couldn't stand it any longer, so I bought myself a Playstation 3; Sebastian Vettel won the Formula One World Championship, beating Lewis Hamilton's youngest driver reign; Kate Middleton and Prince William declared they are to be married. I don't really care about this but Simon Cowell did. It was taking all the pages of publicity from him and his fiX Factor; comedy legend and one of my favourite film stars, Leslie Nielson from Airplane and The Naked Gun Trilogy sadly passed away. Everyone was like, surely you can't be serious and we hastily replied "I am being serious. And don't call me Shirley." He will be sorely missed; and this picture featuring Rio Ferdinand and Carlos Tevez gives us clarification on how footballers lose their watches.

DECEMBER

And so we end November and start the end of the year in the same way it started 12 months ago in January. Snow. But I've written about that before so in a nutshell: it snowed; blah, blah, blah; don't go out if necessary; blah, blah, blah; schools closed; blah, blah, blah; coldest since the 1950's; blah, blah and blah, the end. But it was a very cold "attack." A bus driver even had to quit his job because he ran over a snowman. Here's the video. Just ignore the insane ramblings of whoever is filming it. He should clearly be taken away by the men in white coats.

There's a moral in there somewhere. It's probably, don't be an idiot in the snow, but I personally think it's don't play chicken against a bus when you are snow man. It isn't going to end happily! It bought devastation to the world, or it might as well have done. Every time the news or the weather was on it was snow this, snow that. It disabled power lines on railways leaving me stuck at York and Doncaster station. No one could fly out, no one could drive out and no one could walk anywhere because the previous layer of snow had melted and froze and then got covered with another layer of snow. Last time the country was crippled. Now it was worse than crippled. I dunno, some sort of coma of cold. It's the same story with snow year in, year out. We aren't prepared. However, you have to laugh. I did see in a letter to a newspaper which went along the lines of something like: "Places like Norway and Sweden get this sort of weather every year and they seem to cope..." That's right! Because places like Norway and Sweden are prepared for it and we aren't prepared. If at all for anything. Like losing the World Cup.

With the election happening in May, there were bound to be a lot of people who were not going be happy bunnies, which is always the case. The riots for the hiking up of tuition fees at Universities shook the entire month of December. It was somewhat ironic that the majority of students/protesters that were being arrested were actually posh people. Students who study The Law of Science, The Science of Law, The Law of Law and Drama. Students who have been spoonfed everything from the womb. Students whose parents are figures of authority. Most notably Charlie Moore; the son of Pink Floyd guitarist Gary Moore. Let's be honest here, Gary Moore and Pink Floyd may not be on the go (at the moment) but being a rock artist with a career that has spanned a couple of decades and with millions in the bank, I think Charlie is in a better position than me when it comes to paying off debts and what not. Oh and even more ironically, he was arrested for swinging off the Union Flag on The Cenotaph and then claimed he didn't know what it was. And he's studying some History course. Hmmm, yes...

And of course, Christmas! Which started on the 12th of November because I saw the Coca-Cola advert. Say what you want about Christmas coming earlier each year but regardless, Christmas is a good time of the year. The same songs get played over and over again but we all love them. They may be rubbish and cheesy but, it's Christmas! I stand by and think that if Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmas Time was just a normal song of his, it would be awful, but because it's a Christmas song, it's brilliant. He has written better, beleive it or not but it gets tonnes of airplay each year. They all do! Jona Lewie, Wizzard, Slade, Wham!, Band Aid, and so on. Roy Wood of Wizzard could live off the royalties he gets from I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday forever. Christmas is the season to be jolly (fahla, lalalah, la lah la laah).

Other points of interest in December: With the shopping and weather battling with each other, QVC are telling people to print out and frame pictures of the items they have ordered and give it to whoever wrapped up. This is because they won't be delivering until next year. I would be mortified to get a picture of a Bose iPod combo speakers. Even more so if it was in a frame; The BAE Harrier (The "Jumpjet") retired out of service. I want to big it up a lot more so I will make another post in the new year; The Apprentice ended. I was dissapointed because now Wednesday television isn't worth watching; A nobody won the fiX Factor with a cover of the superb song Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro. If it's going to anything like a couple of years ago with Hallelujah then Biffy are set to make around about £250,000 a month from airplay. And they don't have to do anything! Mon the Biff'!

And that's the end of 2010! What a year it's been with it's live soaps and meat dresses. I bid this year and the decade goodbye...and good riddance? It's been slow but has it been fun? You tell me.

Why Formula One is the best sport ever!

2010-11-21T00:37:00.002Z

I'm not really known for my sporty attitude. I don't like football; I consider any game you can play in a pub not really a sport; I don't spend a fortune on a season ticket to see something I, quite frankly, could get a damn-sight lot easier from the TV. I did watch various events throughout the year, when they're on, because they're on. But there is one sport that I watch religiously whenever I can, start to end, and that's Formula One. F1 is pretty good, I have to admit. I've kept my eye on it since it moved from ITV to the BBC a few years ago and it can be quite gripping at times. Yes, there are the occasions where one driver gets ahead and the rest just follow but motor racing is 9 times out of 10, fairly unpredictable. Anything can happen at any time from the simple to the insane. With the 2010 season finished, I thought this would be a nice tribute to the best sport in the world. In the words of Murray Walker, "And they're go, go, GO!"

There's been a colourful History
Ever since the internal combustion engine went into the first horseless carriage, man has always wanted to race it. If it moves, the next best thing to do is make it go faster than any other competitor. They did it with horses, steam trains and boats so the car was always going to be raced. It all started to become a lot more popularised by the French Grand Prix way back in the late 1800s up until Formula One was created after the Second World War in the 1950s. This created names such as Stirling Moss, Juan Manuel Fangio and Alberto Ascari and showing car manufacturers such as Mercedes-Benz, Ferrari, Alfa Romeo, Bugatti and Maserati to name but a few. It's a genuine sport and everyone involved wouldn't be doing what they're doing without the past. It has come such a long way since then....

It shows who has the toughest metal on the track
Ferrari and Mercedes-Benz are still on the track to this day, along with Renault and Cosworth all of which supplying engines. These then branch off into the teams; Scuderia Ferrari, Scuderia Torro Rosso Ferrari, BMW Sauber Ferrari, Vodafone McLaren Mercedes, Mercedes GP, Force India, Renault F1, Red Bull Racing Renault, AT&T Williams, Lotus Racing, Hispania Racing and Virgin Racing respectively. There's a few names there but they're all fighting it out. They can all produce as well as each other. For the 2010 season just gone, the latter Cosworth engined machine were further down the field but last year Force India were at the very back, yet they managed to drag it back this year. So, next year, we could be in the same sort of area with the slower, lower classed cars racing with the big guys. Now that would be fun!

You don't have to remember many names
The season just gone had the most teams in a while - 12. That's only 24-odd drivers you have to remember! Not an entire team of 11 and another team of 11. And they could be any 11 out of a million-gazillion teams on this earth. F1 is just a lot easier.

Cars Crash
Slightly morbid, but it happens. It add excitement and drama. A driver could be winning right up until the last lap and he bins his car into a barrier or another car and he loses his lead. Which shows that a driver has to have his concentration and wits about him all the time. Anything can happen in a race. Sebastian Vettel lost two front wheels during a qualifying lap. Mark Webber's Red Bull famously gave him wings when he hit (driver) and took off in one of the seasons biggest incidents. Luckily for Webber, he walked away like he'd only bumped into a bollard rather than heading skyward. It goes to show how well these cars are built and that they cocoon the driver in collision. Anything can happen. Racers have met their fate behind the wheel of an F1 car in the past, but in the past 16 years, it hasn't happened since.

The track locations are spectacular
If you watch the Formula One, chances are it's being broadcast from a very nice place. Races are held all over the world. Places like Monte Carlo, Abu Dhabi, Singapore and Valencia. Drivers and their team travel all over the world in one season with a mix of tracks that take place in short narrow streets or purpose built tracks in the sticks. And with F1, locations give different climates which means it could be totally different to the last place the drivers were. It could be hot and sunny, or it could be cloudy and wet, and these factors make each race different adding more to that 'anything could happen' side to the battle.

It doesn't take away your precious time
F1 is only held on a Sunday. And even then it could be every other Sunday. Not a lot is on the television on a Sunday so it's the perfect time to sit down, chill and watch the race. There is the qualifier on on the Saturday, which gives an insight to how the leaders are doing but this isn't vital to the race as...And since ITV don't show it anymore, there's no breaks meaning you don't miss anything. Fantastic.

Anyone can do well
With racing, if you can stay ahead, that's good but if you get ahead, that's better. This past season just gone, Sebastian Vettel won the championship at the age of 23 making him the youngest driver to win ever. The previous year Jenson Button won the championship after years of battling with Honda. The year before that Lewis Hamilton won. Michael Schumacher became the oldest F1 driver to race. You don't have to be super good to do well and get recognised. You don't even have to win to get praise either. Niko Hulkenburg gained pole in the Brazillian GP, which was bloody good!

And without being sexist...
Women have been known to race in F1 and do well. It's not common now but we could bet that it may well happen again. Vicky Butler-Henderson and Jodie Kidd are well known for being petrol heads. So even though it may not have happened in while, it can happen again: The ladies driving with the guys. Oh and, just saying but F1 drivers wives and girlfriends are better than Footballers wives and girlfriends. Not counting Mark Webber in this though. Google search and you'll see how correct I am.

WARNING: Don't read this if you spent hours queuing!

2010-11-10T23:11:00.004Z

Are you sure your want me to carry on? Fare-thee-well, I shall

Today, a video game has just beat all records on this planet. People spent up to and above 30 hours queuing outside game stores all over Britain, in the freezing cold November weather, battling the elements the Gods threw at them. They fought through wind, rain and in some parts, even snow. Like on hills and mountains and stuff. I've written a few sentences and I can hear you screaming "What is this game? Please tell us for we are dying to know" even if you aren't. This game is of course, Call of Duty: Black Ops.

Now simply: why? Why is Call of Duty the best selling game ever?

As far as I can see the game is literally the same format time and time and time again. But so is Grand Theft Auto. And Need For Speed. And Burnout, and so on. But that isn't my jibe. The people, that's where my beef is. Whoooo would spend 30 hours waiting for A GAME? It's almost as bad as the people who queued for Harry Potter to come out (in the book sense not the closet sense. We'll be in for an even longer wait for that, now that there are no more books).

In my favouritest ever publication The Sun (simple things, simple minds) they highlighted Blops, as it known, because of its success. Actually, they didn't. They told how a video game can ruin a relationship. Oh my word! How can that be? What are video games becoming? It told the true tale of a man who is that obsessed with Call of Duty, he spends every waking minute shooting some teenager on the other side of the globe and his wife hates this "hobby" of his. She even said that it was becoming a second woman. The guy even snook his PS3 to a wedding and was found, rather embarrassingly, caught in the act of playing Call of Duty in a hotel room after saying he was going to the pub with a friend. Luckily, it wasn't his own wedding. Back in the days of Sonic the Hedgehog and Mario, everything was happy. Space Invaders is still stupidly addictive. But as far as splitting up a loving couple? Now, Euston, we do have a problem. Imagine the confrontation with the entire family and the explanation of the divorce. It would only be more awkward if one of them was actually a zombie drooling over the aspect of eating the families brains.

I stand by video games though. I have said it before that video games have become highly initiative in the past 10 years, which is a very short time. We've gone from 2D graphics to 3D, HD, interactivity that put you in the game and endless hours of joy and entertainment. Video games are the movies that you depict. But there's only one way that a war game can go. If you know your history, you should be able to predict who is going to win. Especially with it being set during the Vietnam War, a country that still has echoes of it's grisly past. I've never really seen eye to eye with a shoot-em up. Mainly because I see games like this as boring. I don't really see the appeal bouncing around a barren wasteland looking through my weapons to figure out which gun would be best to pick him off the top of the building. My head says "sniper rifle" in a very quiet voice but really both my head and my heart are shouting at me to use the rocket launcher - just to see this one bad guy go in a thousand directions at once. Out of the first person shooters I've played they've normally followed the same pattern each time: Start playing, run around, shoot the walls and doors and anything that isn't an enemy, run out of ammunition, see an enemy who ultimately starts shooting at me for no reason I can see (probably just had a really bad day), die, start again, blow up that baddy with my only rocket propelled grenade, run out of ammunition again, get shot again, turn it off and go fetch my guitar.

£50 for a game and another 250 quid on top of that for the console, if you're starting from the bottom. I've spent more than a thousand pounds on instruments. People may say I've wasted my money but honestly, that's not bothering me. I must say, it's rather a feat of accomplishment. So in conclusion, I will never wait for more than a day to get a video game. I am excited at the fact that in the near future, I will possibly own a PlayStation 3 and hopefully get with it Test Drive: Unlimited 2. Mainly because it has Ferrari on the car list and the only time I've ever "driven" a Ferrari in a video game was in OutRun at a Skegness arcade, in which I drifted a 288 GTO. Call of Duty on the other hand - I'd rather spend my 50 squids on guitar strings.

People write the strangest things...

2010-11-08T22:14:00.001Z

...And no, I'm not just on about myself. Hahaha!

In fact I was reading The Sun newspaper, as you do, last Thursday. I then came to the letters page very near the back of the paper and couldn't help but laugh at why somebody had spent their own time to send the following message [in regards to Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay's outburst during his stint on the X Factor-y towards Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole]:

Jay Kay is a fool to break the golden rule of showbiz which is to never criticise other performers. His ignorant rant was not based on fact but rather his own perception. Dannii Minogue has more broad-based talent than JK. She is by turns a singer, dancer, actor, model, author, mother, fashion designer, TV presenter and judge and mentor on two prime-time TV shows on two continents, not to mention her chart success.

I looked at it and thought that this was metaphorical heaven and blog-post gold. Let's break up this silly mans (it is a man) letter to The Sun and enjoy it for it's comedy value and why he's wrong. Starting with point one;

Jay Kay is not a fool to break the rule in showbiz about criticising other performers. It happens all the time. A critisism can be a positive or negative view. Not being able to have your own humble opinion on anything if you're in the public eye is impossible; anything you will say, it will probably end up in Heat magazine or some bullcrap like that. Yes, Jay's opinion was negative but there is no one there stopping him from saying it

I'd say, in Jay's defense that he was correct when he said that both Cheryl and Dannii were useless. They are...but lo...Mr. Newspaper-posty-man gives a detailed list on what Dannii Minogue has done in her career. Singing, dancing, actor, etc. But she hasn't sung in donkey's years; she acted in Aussie soaps so we don't know how bad she was (I'm guessing very); anyone can write a book but she didn't even do that by herself; she may be a model but with a face full of creosote and collagen or whatever it's called, it just makes natural models look better; and to make matters worse, she is a judge on car crash telly that is fighting a losing battle to the Grim Reaper. And what chart success? Apart from the UK Dance Charts because Australia didn't want it. Even album sales... 7 million worldwide album sales for Miss Minogue. No, not like her better sister, Kylie ("I want to be famous like my sister nowwwww!"). Mr Kay on the other hand has 25 million worldwide...

Jay's new album even charted at number 7 in the album charts on Sunday. Agreed, 7th isn't the best place to enter the charts but at least it's in the top 10. Dannii? Where's yours this decade? Oh and the guy who posted his letter didn't even mention poor Cheryl which just goes to show that someone out there thinks less of Cheryl than the "British Nation."

With figures like that impressive 25 mil', Jay is in the right place to criticise! I take my massively oversized, silly hat off to you Mr James Kay. Seems that Dannii really is a jack of all trades sort of person. And master of absolutely sod all!

Epiphany IV

2010-10-28T17:50:00.002+01:00

Maybe there was something else that needed to happen in Music. Or at least something different on my behalf. I therefore decided that since rock was going to be my audible delight, pop should be my main area of expertise.

There is reasoning behind this madness. You look at the top 40 singles charts as it stands today. Guitar based bands aren't up there anymore and if there are, there's only a few. I realised that if any money was to be made it would be made in pop. Pop has so much character to it and it can branch off anywhere whilst still being pop. But, I am not saying for one instance that rock doesn't have character. It's a different sort of character compared to modern day pop music. For example, pop can feature the standard band set up such as guitars, bass, vocals and drums. But you can then spread that to include pianos, keyboards, sythesizers, stringed instruments, acoustic guitars, samplers...all laden with effects. Listen to Katy Perry's California Gurls. In there you have the band instruments. The guitars and bass are very funky and very varied throughout. Then you have the synth pads that add another texture. You've then got Snoop rapping in the middle 8. There's a vocoder in there. You've got all these creative elements. You can't have a vocoder in rock band because, although it would be cool, it would have its limits. Pop can then extend into Dance, Trance and House. Chemical Brothers, Daft Punk, Fatboy Slim and certain Lady Gaga songs include these styles. And it's not just pop songs either, there's remixes and club tunes too. When people goes out to paint the town red, the songs that play get them people moving. They either like it a lot or they're very drunk (normally the latter, and yes, I have used this phrase before). But either way, they're enjoying it. It's the atmosphere it creates. It 3 minutes worth of mad dancing, whereas rock could be anything from quick-paced to really moving, depending on the style. I also love remixes too because they may be created from other works but there is still the creativity behind it. A cover can be a different interpretation of a song. A remix is more like a different creation of the same song. Even better if it's a mashup. And the best thing is, some of them seem so easy to create.

After being shown an article in Sound on Sound by my music teacher, I got really interested in becoming a producer. Producers such as StarGate have created songs for Rihanna and this is something I would like to do. This was when I found out that the magic answer was pop music. And the more of the rawkess side of pop, like I say clubtunes and Dance. My next step was to start experimenting with it.

The school had a little analogue USB synthesizer; a Korg MS-20ic. It was a gordy looking synth with huge dials, little keys and button that didn't do anything. It was hooked up to the computer and ran through a music programme called Cubase. The schools version of Cubase had some plug-ins on the soundcard which allowed the synthesizer to act as a USB keyboard so I could essentially play through the computer and changed the sounds on screen as well adjust with dials. I loved playing around with the oscillations to get these 'growing and pulsing' synth sounds. I found a collection of the sounds that I liked and made a note of them. Then, in my own time, I made up a very simple chord line and song structure. Over the next few weeks I worked frantically on this synth driven dance song that could make Cascada run for the hills. The result was fascinating; it sounded so professional and was very surprising that it only took 5 weeks to go from simple idea to a finished track. This was used in my BTEC Music technology course and was probably what got me my high marks. Or so I like to think. I did even write lyrics to this song, which at the moment is called Stop, for intended use on a female vocalist. I asked a few girls I knew to sing over it but sadly I got turned down. Their loss. But this goes to show. In 5 weeks, I got a fully created tune. Albeit, it was an instrumental, but a tune none the less. And I did it all including the drums. I have never been known for my drumming ability, but with a dancey-poppy sort of song, it's easy to make a drum track. All you need is a booming bass drum sound, handclaps, snares and a few cymbals and that is essentially it. Put them into any rhythm and that's that. It's so easy. And, it wasn't the only pop based work I was doing at the time either.

Another song I was creating was a rework of Katy Perry's Hot n Cold using her vocal track and the result was my interpretation of the hit song. It used guitars, basses and a real kit. You could even say that this was essentially a remix. I theory, it is. I know it was a cover but it still had my creative element in there as I had to find certain sounds my Telecaster could create; find a synth line that worked (I ended up using an arpeggiated synth line); and I included a solo, which the original doesn't have. So, yes, it was a cover, but it was my cover. And I got to boast that I was 'working with Katy Perry.' I just wish I knew how lucky I was.

Driving - The Test

2010-10-05T21:19:00.000+01:00

I've just read my Driving posts from March and there's a reason for this. To see what I did in the past to compare it with yesterdays drive. It was then that I realised that in the last post I said I passed my theory test. That was in August. It's now October. Turns out I wasn't as good a driver as what I thought I was so I had to move my test back. This was a good thing. Or was it? It turned out my test was on the 4th of October; the same day the driving test got changed. The change was half an hour of standard directional driving from the examiner and then 10 minutes of independent driving. No instructions; just get from one point to another following a map or signs. One maneuver was taken out so that left only one to do in the test. I thought it was a lot easier to be honest.

So then, test day. No whisky for dutch courage, this was the real thing. I got picked up by Alan at 11:30 on the Monday morning to do a recap of everything from all reversing maneuvers to the emergency stop. Everything. I've come such a long way since the first lesson and to tell you the truth, I was bloody nervous. My first attempt n'all...
I drove to the test centre and parked up and waited for my examiner. Dave Slim, his name was. He was an old timer so the emergency stop was well out of the question. I did my eye test, (I didn't have to unlock the car door. It didn't turn up on the test) and the 'show me/tell me' question and then we were on our way. Well, what to say. Only one maneuver. And it was my all time favourite; a turn in the road, done seamlessly! Fantastic! Ironically, part of the test was done following the route I did in the morning, with a few stop/starts thrown in along the way. Then we came up to a roundabout. I knew how to tackle roundabouts in the past but this one threw me off completely. I did the unthinkable. The unreasonable. The damnright silly! I stalled! I did not want to do that. But I got the car started and I went off behind some houses. After trundling along at 30mph down a road I got told to pull over. This was the start of the independent driving part. I got given the directions to follow and then I set off. I got to another roundabout and didn't stall. But got marked down on hesitancy, but more on that later. I then proceeded down past my own house and onto the A46 single carriageway. This mean another roundabout which was done perfectly. Down the 46 is went, slamming it into 5th but keeping to the limit. I didn't go above 60, which was a shame. But I knew that at the end of this was another roundabout and then homeward bound. If only a Polish car hadn't pulled out, dramatically plummeting my speed to 30mph. I finally got to the roundabout and turned straight in without stopping. I then drove back to the test centre and finished.
Dave then said rather slowly, "What I'm going to do is tell you where your good points were and bad points and show you them and how they correspond to my examiners criteria...oh by the way, you've passed"
Wait, when breaking news, you say that first!

FIRST!

Not last!

But I passed. I didn't want to but I did! I was ecstatic! I could hardly believe my luck! I got 6 minors and no majors. First time! Heavens forbid, I can hardly believe it now. They took away my license. I'm now waiting to a brand new pink full license. I can now drive any car. There is not going to be anyone sitting to my left that is going to criticise me on every little thing. Of course, I'm going to be safe. I'm going to be very safe. I haven't got a car. But the fact goes, I did when I didn't believe I could. It just goes to show: Every cloud. Every single cloud! Every one of them...
Every cloud has a Diesel Weasel!

Wait...what?

Epiphany V

2010-10-03T02:13:00.000+01:00

Finally, the last in the series of The Epiphanies, for now. So, let's look at the options I have and how they weigh up...

Well, firstly, there's the fact that I would like to become a record producer. That way it would give me the freedom of still having knowledge of playing instruments and how they should sound in the studio. Playing live is brilliant fun but I would rather come out of the limelight and let someone else take the glory. That's the thing - I've played as a frontman and as an instrumentalist and both are immense fun with the latter being a lot easier as not all the focus is on the rhythm guitarist; I cannot stress that enough. But with being a producer, there is some responsibility but it's not like they have to be on top of it all and to be always focused on the audience and critiques. It is like it feels a lot better whilst still generating the same sort of buzz. Of course, when the time arises, I can still step back into frontman mode. Another thing is that although I'd be writing songs, I probably won't get all the glory for it and I don't particularly want to become a Mark Ronson or David Guetta (more on him later), because they should really stay behind the scenes. In all honesty, I would like the credit but have the credit anonymously. That may sound silly and somewhat impossible but it's not. The name Jimmi Cottam would be credited as songwriter/composer but the singer wouldn't be. And, I know, I have a thing about artists should write their own songs and not have someone else do it, but really, that sort of thing happens all over the place nowadays. In essence the vocals would be treated as another instrument. Another colour in the palette to work with.
Rock has now become my listening interest. Love the stuff. Always will. But with pop, I can still use parts of rock and fuse it with something else to make it better (or worse).

I'm feeling comfortable with this sort of project though because there is so much to choose from in the area of Popular Music. So comfortable in fact that I have started using my Yamaha PSR-540 keyboard a lot more. With that I wrote a song called Desiderium (Can't Carry On). This is totally different to what I've done ever before; a million miles away from Delayed Finality but still a thousand miles away from my first effort, Stop. I had never wrote a piano ballad before. I hadn't really wrote a ballad before. I had never wrote a piano song before. With it being a ballad, I could use the same customs that I used in my previous songs. And that's not all...Whilst recording a group singing David Guetta and Kid Cudi's terrible song Memories, I decided that the piano motif in that was very simple and I thought to myself "let's totally rip that off." So I did; I used 3 notes just like the bassline of Memories. That's one idea in the pipeline. Another idea is similar to Stop; a heavy grinding synthpop tune. And then there's the song I've had that's been called New One for a while. This was going to be a Delayed Finality song but never really got going. So maybe I could adapt it and create a new song altogether. But wait, there's more! I'm also planning on making a Trance rework of In the Hall of the Mountain King by Edvard Grieg. I like classical music, especially the really dark and brooding stuff. Except this is going to be my creation. I could then sell it to Alton Towers or something. And then there's a planned idea for me to remix one of Rowan's songs from his recent album. That's a few projects to keep me active. I've even got a name planned out. Don't laugh. Parallel Dimension Productions - ParaDime for short. So...what could be stopping me? Ah, yes.

As it stands I have 5 guitars and one keyboard. I am currently looking into buying a proper synthsizer to sit on top of my Yamaha; a Korg MicroKorg. And then I would need the various equipment to hook up my instruments to my laptop. And then I need the software. And then I need the laptop. I have a laptop. Well, it resembles a laptop. It's got a massive crack in the back of the screen and as a result, it doesn't stand up properly. I've had to put a pair of comical googly eyes on it to remind myself not to close it, otherwise it would die. 'C' doesn't like working and 'O' likes to jump out of the keyboard. There is no space on the disk drive. I only have 200-odd songs on here and few written documents. I have no idea what's clogging it up. I even had to delete some fabulous parks when I uninstalled Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. So, I'll need a new laptop. BUT, as with most of the things I've done/taken part in over the past 3/4 years, I've remained optimistic. So, when I get these sorted out, I'm going to see what I can offer the world! Who knows? I may become revolutionary. Or even evolutionary. I'm going to stand by my guns though. I'm going to see what I can do. For this is my epiphany - When something else doesn't go to plan or something gets in the way, stop, re-asses, see how it could be tackled or take a different route. You could surprise yourself. And here's another epiphany...That was a really tacky ending! Oh. My...

Rowan and Jimmi: Chippy Adventure

2010-09-28T17:40:00.003+01:00

"The first adventure; an epic quest to buy some chips from the Chip Shop"

I thought it was time to release the weird and wonderful world of Rowan and Jimmi onto the Observation Blog but somewhat highly unfortunate YouTube and it's copyright laws or something wanted them taken off their site. What a swizzle! However, they're not going to stop me posting my brilliant posts. What I will do is link you directly to the *sleek and smart website that is blaktornado.com This is Rowan's playground. On it features his own videos, music, animation and of course Rowan and Jimmi. He has been mentioned a few times in some of my posts and now is your chance to see his face. I'm going to release a different adventure every month! It'll be something to look forward to until the end of the year. And, I'm going to add some production notes and trivia because I want to do my own version of IMDB. But not goofs because it's hard to know where they start and end...

* - Flattery gets you nowhere, kids!

Click here for part one of Chippy Adventure
Click here for part two of Chippy Adventure
Click here for part three of Chippy Adventure

Production Notes

I had no idea what was going to happen. I originally thought it was going to be another one of Rowan's Vlog that wouldn't have been as long as this.
Rowan says the word 'brilliant' 16 times.
The 'David...David...David Beckham' sequence is inspired by psychic mediums on a ghost hunt. We were in a haunted wood after all!
The "...and here we see" sequence is inspired by David Attenborough.
The return bus ticket is dated 20 Dec 2007 - 07:59am and is ticket number 2510
Rowan say's that it's Christmas a number of times throughout. It was filmed on the 21st of December which is Christmas, so he is correct. And it also meant it was bloody cold!
Rowan did all of his own stunts.
This is very heavily inspired by The Blair Witch Project. In fact, some people also say that that due to the success of the Rowan and Jimmi series, it lead to the creation of Paranormal Activity!
The sound of something metal hitting something else was actually me knocking off the street sign. I did my own vandalism.
I thought the end credits worked rather well with the Gremlins theme.
We never actually see some chips. In fact, I don't recall buying chips!

The next adventure in the series is In The City

The Vending Machine - A Bible Story

2010-09-23T23:14:00.002+01:00

This tale goes back many years. Around about 1 or 2. It slips my mind as to when it happened, but it really happened. It's a true(ish) story! Unlike some bible stories, depending on your beliefs...

The day was unclear in the commoners room. The Vending Machine was used on many occasion to replenish peoples thirst. It gave the people such gifts as Orange Juice and Chocolate Yazoo and many of these people ventured on a pilgrimage across the Room to the Vending Machine with their hard earned money to be free the thirst demon that had burrowed into their souls. They would put in their money and feathered the buttons of their choice. Their call would be answered and a beverage would be delivered...in a split second of an instance. Many people thought this was witchcraft and so opted to take the even longer pilgrimage to the holyland supermarket know as Ahz-Dah for their treasure but this didn't bother the people of The Vending Machine as they would rather have the convenience than the journey.

Days went by and people of The Vending Machine purchased their wanted goods but unbeknown to the people of The Vending Machine, the Devil was nearby playing his dastardly tricks. Some say he put a curse on the people of The Vending Machine to make them buy all the treats. Others say the Devil merely bought everything in The Vending Machine. Whatever the reason was, The Vending Machine was getting emptier and emptier by the day. The people of The Vending Machine started to panic. And then one day, it had ran out of Yazoo. Even Banana which wasn't as popular as Chocolate. In fact, it had run out of everything. It was empty and the people of The Vending Machine were so afraid. Some opted to venture to Ahz-Dah but many did not return from the traitorous journey. Days went by and it looked liked The Vending Machine will forever be empty; it would just stand there, showing future generations that the Devil has overcome the people, for an empty Vending Machine meant that Evil had overcome Good. The people of The Vending Machine were getting so scared they all prayed:
"Thine thirst demon is taking over...I can't carry on. I may have to go to Ahz-Dah, but I do not want to walk"
"Oh holy Lord...Please give us and our people guidance. Ahz-Dah is too far. And thine Spar of Eden is far too expensive for our wage"
"Times are getting hard now dear Lord. We cannot venture like this. We need an answer."
It seemed like it was the end for the people of The Vending Machine but their prayers were answered.

One morning, a beam of light burst down from the clouds. The people thought it was an angel about to land but before they could say anything, the automatic doors swung open and in the doorway stood a figure. Many were blinded by the light but they could make out that this figure was a man. He spoke to the people of The Vending Machine:
"Hark!" he said. "I am a prophet. I come from a distant place. Do not be afraid, for I am here to help you and your situation. I have been sent from the sacred supplies Warehouse to answer your prayers and I bring good tidings of beverages for your delight." The man walked through the door whilst the people covered their faces with their hands, still not knowing who this man was and what he was here for. As he walked through the door, he pulled along a trolley. On this trolley was all the Yazoo flavours, Orange Juice, Apple Juice, and mineral water that the people of The Vending Machine could have asked for. He approached The Vending Machine and took out a key from his pocket.
"Devil! I cast ye away from Thine Vending Machine. For Thou hast been a burden on thine peoples lives for too long"
He opened The Vending Machine with his key and the accounts from the people are hazy. Some say the man battled the Devil out of The Vending Machine. Other say he stocked up The Vending Machine so well, the Devil couldn't cope and so ran away in horror. The man then packed up his belongings as said:
"People of Thine Vending Machine! There is nothing to worry about. Your problems have been dispersed. Evil has gone and I have bought back the Good. Look" pointing at The Vending Machine. The people looked and there was an almighty flash of light as the people stared in awe of their beloved Vending Machine. The Vending Machine was full of beverages once again. The people then killed their thirst demons and turned around. The figure with the trolley had vanished...

Nobody knew what happened that day but one thing for sure, Evil was no longer present and The Vending Machine as result, was no longer empty.

Amen

Epiphany III

2010-09-23T00:35:00.002+01:00

The school had given me a fair amount of experience. I could litterally use it for any area of expertise. Engineering; Production; Live Sound; Live Light; Instrumentalist and so on. As with the music, over the year, I became involved in more than just rock. I joined NK's Jazz Band for a bit of fun; to see what it was like. But as the weeks rolled on, I found that the Jazz Band was more than that. I had never played as an ensemble before ever. This was a big band. We played old songs. I had never played a song in that was older than me before in front of an audience. Any songs that I played were either songs I had written or songs that Rowan had written. These songs were Glen Miller hits from the 40's. I loved that Jazz band and wish I had joined earlier. Apparantly, Matt Jackson, a friend of mine who played the bass for the band, asked me to join in year 11. I can't remember any of that...But it showed that I could do something like this. It was a long way from alternative rock band to Big Jazz band. We played at a competition and won and then we did a concert at in the schools Theatre; the Terry O'Toole; the first time I had played to an entirely different audience. The one thing I got from this was that I still wanted to play an instrument. I'm waffling, this isn't where I'm wanting to go with this, but it's still important...

In May, as part of work experience, I got the chance to help out at a prolific recording studio in Lincoln. I was aiding in recording a metal band called Kallous. They were pretty tallented and some of the nicest guys to ever meet; you wouldn't believe they were these hardcore growly metalheads. I did litterally get the chance to record them. Soundcheck and press record and all that. It was brilliant but like I said before, I wanted to also play an instrument which isn't always possible with working in a studio. If you want to play an instrument, you join a band. Hmmm, kinda difficult now...I wanted to work in a studio. But then I had another epiphany. I didn't really want to involved with rock anymore. I love rock music, don't get me wrong. But as a creative element, there's only so far you can go. I realised this whilst recording drums for Kallous. Because there was so many patterns, we had to find where a mistake was and go back to that point and do it all again. I hadn't lost interest in rock, I just couldn't see myself working with it. Rock is about not caring about the rules. Or at the very least, bending them, not being told what to do. It was after this I thought that rock would be a lot happier confined to those who know how to do it and do it well. Delayed Finality could do it well but Lincoln's rock scene is massive. Trying to get noticed in a big pool of rock (Rock pool?) is a lot harder. Yes, there's different styles of rock that were out there but under an umbrella term, they are all rock. Alternative, Heavy, Metal and Indie are all rock. As for everything else, there's nothing. Not saying that rock gets boring after a while but these Lincoln bands are all the same styles. 3/4/5 pieces with vocals, distorted guitars, bass, drums and occasionally keyboards. Rock is big and a lot of people like it but it isn't the only choice. Maybe there was another way? Maybe a breakaway was needed?

Epiphany II

2010-09-17T00:00:00.002+01:00

So, the band had stopped but it didn't mean I wasn't going to stop creating music. I love music. Music is awesome. I have since tried to broaden my horizons with music. It's such a good area to be involved in I think. This part of the epiphany started almost a year ago when I was offered a job.

The year was 2009. July, I think. I was a Sixth Former at North Kesteven just finishing my BTEC Music Technology course. One afternoon, I got taken aside by Mr Hird, the head of Music. He offered me a job of becoming the schools Assistant Studio Technician. Out of all the 7 people in the Music Tech group (I know, it was a lot), I got chosen to look after the studio. But that's not all it was. My main role was to make sure everything was working and everything was there. Not particually interesting. However, every Monday after 3 I had the opportunity to use the studio to its full potential. Since I worked until 4:30, I was required to record GCSE students for parts of thier course. And this was what kicked started this part and over the year I recorded many vocalists (good vocalists), electric, acoustic and bass guitarists, a flautist, a trombonist, keys, drums, violins, all sorts. Everyone liked being recorded by Jimmi. The studio's normal soundtech (my employer) had a very different method to me. He wanted it done stupidly quick. I didn't. For example, I brought the guitarists into the studio and let them change certain settings to how they wanted it to sound, rather than them telling me and letting me guess. I gave the instrumentalist an input, which for a studio (academical or otherwise) is essential. I may have engineered certain aspects but the sound is crucial for the performer. A quick soundcheck would be what was normally done and straight into a record. I soundchecked twice; one standard soundcheck and another runthrough soundcheck, because instrumentalists have a habbit of playing louder when being recorded than when they're being checked. I was friendly with everyone and they liked my laid back attitude. I was never really that strict, I kept a stern face and even if the performer wanted the moon, I could only try to work around them. "Thumbs up on record" I would say and they'd be off. I'd always end a recording with "rock n roll" just as a subtle hint of irony, especially if it was a showtune I was recording. It then hit me. "People like me doing this. I like the people. I know what I'm doing. I feel very comfortable. I love this creativity from the Year 11 students. I know I'm doing this as a job, but I could do this as a career..."

The Top 5 reasons why I want (or should that be 'need'?) a PlayStation 3

2010-08-30T15:30:00.001+01:00

Gaming is a bit of a guilty conscience of mine. I don't spend many months of my life cocooned in my own bedroom trying to complete a game or blowing up Nazi's. I tend to go in and out of phases from time to time when I get bored and think 'oh, I haven't played this in a while, let's have a play.' As it currently stands, this household contains a PlayStation 2 and a Nintendo Wii (the former being my own). I do quite like to spend a fair amount of time on one game but not excessively. For example, I spent about 3 or 4 days playing Need For Speed: Carbon and got to the end. I was well chuffed. And again, I can spend forever on Time Trials on Gran Turismo 4 trying to beat my best time on a certain track. The Wii however, is a totally different experience. I tend not to be as competitive with that. It isn't taken too seriously. And since the Wii isn't technically mine, there isn't much on offer for me. Mario Kart is good but that's not really an adrenaline pump. I needed something with a bit more of a spicy flavour, so I did a bit of research into some games that the PlayStation 3 has to offer (I cannot stand the XBox360. XBox's are for the hardcore gamers aka NERDS) and I was somewhat in awe at what I saw. These are my 5 reasons for me to own a PlayStation 3, especially in this upcoming year...:

Grand Theft Auto IV

Grand Theft Auto has always been an old favourite. I was hooked when I first played Grand Theft Auto 3. And as I have grown up, so has the franchise. I know it's been out for a while but the fact remains - It's epic. The graphics have come a long way from the really shocking and appalling graphics of...er...San Andreas. San Andreas was good. Brilliant, in fact, but it was terrible how bad some things were. Trees would pop up of nowhere. People would be too blocky and the amount of glitches. Also, you could steal a fighter jet. You could fly around on a jet pack. That's good...to some extent. So when Rockstar went away and created 4 and re-created Liberty City, when I saw the results I was gobsmacked. Visually it was so clear. The cars had more realistic handling. Niko Bellic had a more realistic looking head and fingers whereas CJ just looked like a square balloon with a smiley face drawn on it. And webbed hands. Niko could also be thrown out of the car if he isn't wearing his seatbelt. Yet, the game still doesn't take itself too seriously despite being given this new century makeover. It's still got that underline smutty fun that's plagued games of the past. GTA is a dangerous series. It comes under a lot of scrutiny from people about the fact that you essentially have to go around stealing cars and shooting people to win the game. But the same theory applies to something like the Sim's when you phone out the firebrigade on a false alarm or on RollerCoaster Tycoon where you build a coaster and then purposely make it crash. If anyone has a ounce of common sense, they aren't going to recreate what they see in video games. So with GTA IV, don't do what Niko does. He's a computer based image and not real. He's just a vehicle to do what you can't do in real life. All with the added benefit of you not going to jail and stuff.

Gran Turismo 5

Gran Turismo 4 was, and I suppose, still is, for it's time, absolutely stunning. And it's a PS2 game. It's photorealistic and boasts a huge array of cars. Most of them being Japanese cars. The tracks are packed with colour and are bright and vibrant. All the cars are unique and each have different artificial physics. Fantastic. So why do I want Gran Turismo 5 if 4 is already all these good things? Well, the answer is simple really. 5 is more than 4. 5 is stated to have a bigger selection of cars (a rumoured 1,000 so I've heard) and more tracks. Ferrari and Lamborghini are lined up to be in GT5. . Grand Turismo have never had them two together in their games before. There is a 'driving from the seat' element too, adding more to the 'real driving simulator' feel that the series boldly states. And, if I read correctly on a GT5 forum, the almighty Bugatti Veyron will also be appearing on there too. There may not be any high classed British tracks on the list yet, like Silverstone or Donnington Park, but there is a London track and Dunsfold Park, famously the Top Gear Test track. Which only adds to the brilliance of this game. 4 was big. I've been playing it since forever and still haven't completed it. Chances are I will never complete it. If GT5 is going to be bigger then it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun trying to complete that. Especially with such big names that previously haven't appeared in the series.

Split/Second: Velocity

Since the utterly insane Burnout guys at Criterion haven't released a game since Burnout: Paradise, I found a game that is seems like just as much fun whilst we wait for a planned TBA Burnout. Split/Second is very similar to Burnout. I stumbled upon Split/Second in a newspaper article that said something about dropping things from helicopters to stop your opponents. I thought it sounded cool. Turns out, that when I watched the trailer, that's not all that happens. As one races around a track, they can trigger off certain parts to stop their rivals taking first place. For example...blowing up an airport control tower and send it plummeting into someone elses path. Or heck, blowing up the whole damn airport to stop the rest of them. It's like Burnout but on whole different level. High speed. Explosions. Car crashes. It's like it's been lifted right out of a Michael Bay film. The aim of this is very similar to Burnout. Try not to get in the way of things. In Burnout's case, it's other cars. In Split/Second's case, it's cars, buildings, cars, towers, helicopters, cars, and every-damned-thing. It's about having the reactions and pulling off the right moves, hence the name but it looks so good, I don't think I can hold the temptation much longer. Oh and there aren't licenced cars which means you don't feel bad for smashing them to kingdom-come. However, there is one game that does offer that "freedom" of smashing a car with a badge.

Blur

No, not the 90's Britpop band, but the game that looks like a cross between Mario Kart and Deathrace. On acid. Blur showcase's the real big names in the motoring industry. Ford; Lotus; Audi; and even Koenigsegg. Again. It is very similar to the Burnout games and indeed Split/Second. But, like I said, this is like Mario Kart. What you do is you pickup pickups and use them to (how do I put this simply?) stop the others winning. And there could very well be an explosive outcome. I was watching a gameplay trailer and cars fly through air when being hit by mines and bolts of electricity. It's insane. It looks very good but I'd still say it wasn't photorealistic, which in all honesty, I prefer on. It's a fantastic, arcadey arcade game. It looks highly playable. It doesn't look difficult at all. I mean, what's difficult about smashing and blowing up cars?

Test Drive Unlimited 2

I own Test Drive Unlimited on the PS2. I waited ages for it to be released and when it was, the PS2 version wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. It was a love/hate thing. I loved the cars and the fact that you could test drive them before buying them. I loved the fact that that the very real Hawaiian Island Oahu was entirely mapped out. It takes forever to get to one side of the island to the other. Brilliant when you have an Aston Martin V8 Vantage...Then there's the downside. It wasn't as good looking as the PC and 360 counterparts; it didn't feature Ferrari; and certain aspects were missing. However, TDU2 is a whole different game. It's still got the exotic cars and the exotic locations, but now there's more. It is claimed to have more cars like the new McLaren MP4-12C and the Aston Martin DBS and even offroad vehicles like the Audi Q7. It will feature a 24 hour day cycle and a weather system (which affects handling); and more routes. Because, not only is Oahu present in the game, but Ibiza too. That's two mapped out islands. How? You'll never have to go to either island ever if you own this. With the added benefit of being able to travel through them in a supercar. Yes, it's not the real thing but for less than 50 quid...what you pay for is rather spectacular.

I know the title says "5 reasons" but I think this deserves a mention...

Hmmm...Atari know how to make a good game. They've been doing it very well for a very long time. I read the other day that they are going to be releasing another game before the end of the year. A game series that, let's be frank, did what Grand Theft Auto did, a whole lot earlier. I am talking about, of course, Driver: San Francisco.

Atari and Rockstar really don't like each other. But this game is head and shoulders above GTA. Not only because it was the original sandbox 'drive were you want' game, but now this has done something Grand Theft Auto could only dream of. Fully damageable, licensed cars in a sandbox environment. And it doesn't stop there. Unfortunately, we can't let Tanner get out of the car. What he does is he shifts from car to car which means he doesn't steal them and that makes not only better than GTA but cleaner fun! It teaches kids not to steal. Wonderful! They've also reverted back to the Old Skool type of game they had originally with a classic location (San Fran') and the classic style of game. There's a lot of chases through alleyways packed with cardboard boxes. It's like a 1970's cop film. Tanner has now hung up the keys to his 'copycat' Ford Mustang and now has a very sleek and very realistic Dodge Challenger. And that's all cool by me! Rockstar...beware!

Why I Don't Like 'Indie' Anymore

2010-08-28T01:37:00.002+01:00

"I love Indie. No. I used to. Now I hate Indie. Indie is now what I don't like. Indie is horrible. Bluergh!"

That's how I feel about what is branded "Indie" in today's age. 2010. And Jimmi don't like. Yes, other people like but I sure don't. I don't like what it's become. It's not refreshing. It's not clean. It's not anything.

I remember back in a time of 5 or 6 years ago when Indie was thriving. It was Independent Rock that caught me. Indie now feels more like Indie Pop. Indie rock was awesome. We had Franz Ferdinand, The Killers, Kaiser Chiefs, The Fratellis, Snow Patrol, Kasabian and Kings of Leon to name but a few. Now as of 2010, we can see that most, if not all of the bands, have changed their formula (except for The Fratellis, who are no longer with us). These bands are nothing like the ones we have today. They have the eccentric frontmen, pounding distorted guitars, clever, thought-provoking and poetic lyrics - It really is an art form. A canvas oil-painting of a French Riviera or Mediterranean sunset. Something anyone could enjoy just a little bit. Now, Indie is exactly that, but painted with only one colour. Grey. It's still the same quirky 3 and half minute tune but it's boring. It's lacking depth. No wonder Kaiser Chiefs and The Killers use these big anthemic synths and Snow Patrol have the singalongability (yes, I just made up a word). You do get the bands that delve into the Rock and pop like Florence and the Machine but that's pop. That's fully acceptable. And then Franz Ferdinand who describe themselves as 'Dirty Pop' have hard driven guitars, grinding synth stabs and these liquidy basslines. And then you go mad half way through a song with an acid trance solo, which is exactly what they did with Lucid Dreams from Tonight: Franz Ferdinand.

And what of today? Listed next are some bands that have been getting airplay for the past year or so. I don't see why...Starting off with The Drums.

The Drums are an Indie outfit from New York. They have a lead singer, a guitarist, a bassist and a drummer. And that's it. No lead guitarist. No synths. No extra instruments. "Ah, but you don't need all them instruments, do you? Look at Muse. There's only 3 of them and they cover them basis." Yes, that is correct. But Muse have this massive sound. And they do delve into other areas of the spectrum. The Drums are just weedy. Clean guitars, tiny drumkits and a lead singer who looks like a reject from the 80's. As for their songs, you can't really do much with it, just listen and think "well that's another 3 minutes of silence I'll never have again." "I want to go surfing" they boldly claim in their song Let's Go Surfing. Starting with whistling and, wait, is that even a bass guitar? Why is it not pounding my eardrums? And as soon as another member of the band joined the lead singer guy, Jonathan Pierce (Not to be confused with the shouty Robot Wars commentator Jonathan Pearce, although it easy to see why you would be confused. They have nearly the same name), I immediately stopped the video because it got boring and switched my attention to Best Friend. No, not my best friend, their song Best Friend. Have a listen...

Some people call that a music video. I don't know what it is. And the dancing! Our old washing machine, which decided to become possessed by the devil and try to escape when it broke, moved out of the cupboard it's housed in with more grace. There isn't any artistic flair. There's nothing funky that catches your eye. At least paint the walls. Put a curtain up! Heck, save on that and just hang a picture on the wall. And then...All hell breaks loose! For The Drums decide to better whatever they've been doing the past 2 and a bit minutes by...putting the stuff away! The band then just leave poor Jonathan by himself, dancing. I've seen people dancing by themselves and it's not a good sight. Especially when they don't know they look like a fool. And then there's the endless amount of credits at the end. How many people do you need to shoot 3 and a-half minutes of one shot consisting of putting away your instruments and some dad dancing? At the most, 1. 1 guy can press play on the tape player, record, make tea, edit and publish. Not ten bazillion! And 1 guy can also put the gain up on the amplifier. Give it more drive!

And don't even get me started on Vampire Weekend...
Sounds like a couple of girly nights in watching Twilight. Ergo, not a very good one. Vampire Weekend reside in New York. You may have heard a Vampire Weekend song. A-punk goes Eh-eh-eh-eh.

Maybe I should have stressed that it's more like Ay-ay-ay-ay. Hence the name, probably. Not just, 'a punk'. It's more up-beat than The Drums song. By up-beat, I do of course mean you could put a more dignified movement to it. Punching the air on the ay's. And that's as far as it goes. Many of their songs have these really quick repeated riffs that are only 2 seconds long but take the rest of the afternoon to think "what was that all about?" Okay, so what abouts their latest offering, huh? Well, a song that I've heard being played a lot on Radio One is White Sky. White Sky gets off to a promising start. There's some synth in there. There's the guitar. Tick them boxes! But then...everything changes for the...erm...chorus, I think it's supposed to be; to quote line one.
"Ayyyoooo, ayyyi-a-ooooo, ayyyooooo, oooooooh-oooh"
What? Erm...yes. Definitely a chorus in structural terms but what sounds like the noise you make when you've had all your teeth pulled out with a pair of industrial pliers by a blind man. Check it out. 1:06 in the brilliantly choreographed video.

I assume they don't have an official video yet. I only wanted it for the track. So could you believe my luck when I found dancing sumo's? It's in time and everything. That's brilliant. Oh, back onto the song...It started off so well and then there's this whining. Are they even lyrics? It sounds like pain. It is pain. To me. Hat's off to them though, they used a synthesizer. And pan pipes in A-punk. Wait...Pan pipes? Sounds a bit folky to me...
Oh no...
Not that, anything but that...
Folk...
Indie Folk...
I am of course referring to Mumford & Sons, who are British! Horray! But they are a Folk band. Boo! Folk originates from before the 13th Century. Music comes in and out of waves, but there must have been a reason why it took a very long time to get to become popular 2010. 600 years to be more precise. It's all about maidens and valleys and other things from the 1400's. We don't have maidens any more. We have women. We don't have valleys anymore. It's easier to call it a hill. Mumford use guitars, drums and keyboards, all acceptable in today's standards. Then there's an accordion. The most famous thing an accordion has done was the theme tune to 'Allo 'Allo and become a handy tool for the French busker. Mandolins, Dobro's (steel resonator guitars), doublebass and banjos are all used. Whistle for the Choir by The Fratellis used a Mandolin in the solo and Travis used a banjo in Sing. Perfect for one offs. Not if you sound like a removal company. Moving on, I've had enough of Mumford & Sons. I'm not even finding a video of dancing sumo's to accompany this bit of text. It's not worth it.
Deezal Dwee? Dweezal Dee? Dweezal Dwee? Denzil Dwee? Oh...no. Darwin Deez. The opening to Constellation by however many are in the band, cleverly starts with 'Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are?'
PLAGIARISM! Somebody tell Mozart!

Looking through my research, I've noticed one thing. The bands that I mentioned at the very beggining. Franz Ferdinand, Kaiser Chiefs, Kasabian, etc. all have on thing in common. They're all British. Apart from The Killers. They're from Las Vegas but they seem to be more popular over here. The same with Kings of Leon. Vampire Weekend are from America. The Drums are from America. Deisel Dweezal is/are from America. Mumford & Sons are from the past. It's America! America are taking our formula and trying to make it better. It hasn't worked. Sorry, America, but you can't do Indie like the Brits. We invented it after all. Independent rock started out from Britpop. You can't get any more British than Britpop. Whenever I've heard these on the radio without paying much attention to the announcement before the track, I would have thought the American bands sounded British. I looked into it more and found out that it's not our problem. But there is one band that I wish was ours. They are American. And they aren't too bad. Ladies and Gentlemen, White Rabbits with Percussion Gun...

And why do I find it good? They use pounding drums - Albeit they're only two floor toms but they work - distorted guitar, a melodic bass, upright piano and solid singing. It goes to show that they can do it without sounding weedy or looking geeky. More of this stuff please, America...because this is one of the songs that'll make 2010 memorable.
But, it does also go to show that with these selection of tunes, 2010 isn't for guitar based bands anymore. Guitar bands are going out of phase for now. Synth and pop are being revived. Which is why the top songs of this year for me are mostly pop songs. Guitars have been thriving for a good part of 10 years. Now I think it's time for them to subtly hang in the background and look cool. Unless they have something big and outrageous accompanying them. In which case they can stay at the front and yell about it!

Now, I am sorry...

2010-07-26T19:33:00.001+01:00

The other day, I wrote a post on the comedy rock band Wormrot. I do beg your pardon; death metal band Wormrot. It's so hard not to get these mixed up. I received a comment on this which shocked me a little...I didn't know anyone read this but it shows what I know. I thought it was just a bit of fun to keep my thought on archive so I could look back and laugh. The following comment was what was posted

"Spoken with the wit and grace of pig's ar*e. Do your research on things before running them down and displaying your uninformed opinion.

PS. Why does someone like you have a blog? Who considers these shi**ings on as an important enough to read on a daily basis?"

I was quite humbled. Someone had gone out of their own way to (badly) get back to me and tell me why what I did was biblically wrong and bang out of order...

I, however, didn't think I was wrong, for a number of reasons...

1. "Spoken with the wit and grace of a pig's ar*e..."
Wit AND grace? I wasn't being funny, I was genuinely being genuine.
2. "Do your research..."
I did do my research! I went to HMV and picked up the actual CD; read the actual names of the tracks; Something happened in here which involved laughing at the track names but the less said about that the better; I then actually put the CD down; went home; listened to a song called Fix Your Broken Mind on YouTube; thought "ahh, it is as ridiculous as I thought"; decided not give myself the burden of listening to a mind bending 20 more minutes of the stuff (because it's probably exactly the same); and wrote the blog. If that isn't research then I don't know what is.
3. "Your uninformed opinion..."
Yes, it is uninformed and yes, it is my opinion...Kudos! Well done. 10 points.
4. "Why does someone like you have a blog?..."
Because the kind people of Blogger have given me the opportunity, that's why.
5. "Who considers these shi**ings on as an important enough to read on a daily basis?"
I'm going to clean that up in the grammatical and linguistic sense...
"Who considers your words important enough to read on a daily basis?"
I had to make it make sense because I had trouble deciphering the enigma of the bad grammar. If people don't like what they're reading, there is a big X in the corner. Click that and it will all go away. Finally, if your reading my words and don't consider them to be that important that you simply have to comment, then doesn't that just prove that you have just read it in it's entirety?

I must say, it made my day reading that. I probably wouldn't have know if I hadn't been told. I started this blog as a bit of fun. I even said in my first post that it was a light hearted outlook. But there's always one. I even said 'Don't 'ave a go!' So for that, I am sorry.
Sorry for having a sense of humour.
Sorry for not doing enough "research"
Sorry for having an opinion.
Sorry for starting a blog.
Sorry for making sentences understandable.
Sorry for disowning that one person who loves Wormrot (The band, not actual worm rot. That would be disgusting).

I promise you I will never post something like this ever again for at least 10 minutes...

The Happy and Delightful World of Wormrot

2010-07-22T22:09:00.001+01:00

Yesterday, I was in town with my good pal Rowan. During our wander, we decided to have a look in HMV - y'know, just to see what they had to offer. As we made our way around we decided to play a little game; Who can find the most ridiculous sounding band/artist name. Puddle of Mudd; Fountains of Wayne and The Jonas Brothers were all contenders for the most ridiculous sounding names. And then we got to the metal bands and we had to start all over again...
Metal is good. I have no problems with the more melodic metal and stuff that you can really bang your floppy hair to. Within the scale of rock, metal is a guilty pleasure. You wouldn't play it over the front room CD player as ambient music at a social gathering, but you wouldn't mind listen to Killing in the Name Of by Rage Against the Machine in the comfort of your own bedroom. But what of these silly sounding names? Well, sit back and I'll show...

Looking at what metal bands there were, we had to change the rules to who could find the most dignified sounding track title. A track that wouldn't look out of place on a pop album. It was a tricky job but there were a few but that was nothing compared to how many track names we found that were literally awesomely ridiculous. Take for example, Wormrot. Wormrot (20 points already for silly name) are a Deathcore, Thrash metal, grindcore, thingy band from Singapore. They released an album called Abuse which is a pretty cool name for a metal album. And that's as far as it goes. Abuse features a massive 23 songs. 23 songs! There should be a rule of thumb with albums. No less than 11, no more than 14. But Wormrot don't play by the rules. So they put 23 songs on Abuse, which are as follows...(Warning: Asterisks * are going to be used to hide some letters. Your brain will hopefully fill in them missing letters so I don't have to)

1. Lost Swines - Presumably a song about a farmer who left his farm gate open and his pigs got out and he couldn't find them anywhere
2. Exterminate - Presumably a song about the Daleks from Dr. Who
3. Double Feeding - Because only feeding one is one less, especially when there are two
4. Born Stupid - See what I mean with the sillyness?
5. Sledgehammer - Maybe this is a cover of the Peter Gabriel hit of the 80's
6. So Fierce for F*ck - Do I have to explain?
7. DisAppointing - This title is (If you say that with a bit of a high pitched growl, you sound like Yoda)
8. Good Times - It wouldn't look out of place on a Will Young album or whatever. I'm guessing this is probably the happiest song on the album...
9. Freedom to Act - Not unless you're a drama student
10. Indonesia - A song about the popular country
(I'm already losing the will...but I shall carry on)
11. Sh*tlack - A song about constipation?
12. Condemnation - Again, sounds quite liable as a metal song name
13. One Round Away - A possible song about drinking before one has to go home
14. F*ck...I'm Drunk - Ahh, spoke too late there
15. Operation Grindcore - Operation Aweful
16. Rich - A song about not being poor. It looks like Wormrot are dreaming of the day this will happen, hence the song.
17. Overgrown Asshole - Erm...yes
18. Blasphemy My Ass - It sounds like a 1930's figure of bemusement. "Blasphemy? My bottom is it!"
19. Fix Your Broken Mind - If you listen to this, it's not hard to see why their mind may be broken
20. Newkiller Nuclear - Oh a pun! That's funny. Or, someone doesn't know how to work the delete key
21. Uncovered and Proud as F*ck - Someone is really pleased with the unveiling of that new plaque
22. Murder - Is wrong...totally and utterly wrong
23. Scum Infestation and Last Song - Infested with scum? Like soap scum? In the bathroom? And if you didn't know that this was the last song, then Wormrot kindly tell you that it is in fact the last song.

23 songs. All of which feature the same thing. Heavily distorted guitars; screaming; drums; and most importantly of all, more screaming. No bass? No scary sounding organs? Just guitars screaming and drums. You start to feel sorry for Wormrot with their song names; thinking that they were written by an 11 year old. But you listen to one of their songs and you suddenly realise 'my god, they ARE 11 year olds!' And altogether, an albums worth is only 21 minutes worth of noise. Because, I'm guessing, 10 minutes longer would give you more than enough time to realise you wasted a tenner! Hat's off to them. Their drums are in time and their guitars are in tune (I think), but with each song being about 20 seconds long and the next one just around the corner, it's hard to see how this couldn't be a hit!

Considering this is only the single disc album, they also sell a double disc which pushes boundaries even further with songs like Propagrinda, Wall of Sh*t and (brace yourself here) Power and Terror Maximator. The latter 2 are crying out loud funny! Power and Terror Maximator sounds like a low budget action film whereas Wall of Sh*t is highly questionable. Why? What mind bending substance were Wormrot on when they thought that was a good name?
If you're ever in the need of a laugh whether a pet has died or you lost £10 on buying a 21 minute album, go to HMV and look in the metal section and read away to your hearts content. If you aren't rolling around on the floor in your own tears, you must have something wrong with you.

(I'm going to carry on this hunt for silly names in the music industry, so keep an eye out)

Epiphany I

2010-07-22T00:46:00.002+01:00

A while ago, I wrote a post about songwriting aptly named 'songwriting.' In it I made reference to my band, Delayed Finality. Well it is now my duty to tell you why I can't carry on with Delayed Finality. It was, as says, all down to an epiphany.

Bands, especially student bands, tend to phase in and out in all matters and styles over years and if your in a town with very little musical input then it's not hard to see why. If I ask you how many famous bands come from my home town, Lincoln, chances are you probably won't be able to list many. I can give one. I Was A Cub Scout were a 2 piece synthrock band from Lincoln that got some decent airplay and even managed to play at Download Festival. Thier drummer is now drumming live for La Roux; pretty good stuff. But that's from a population 85,000. Two people cracked Lincoln and got out. And then only one of them got further. That's another 84,999 people. "What's this gotta do with your band?" I hear you ask. Well, it goes to show nothing is impossible (a personal quote of mine). It may seem that Lincoln is lacking on the entertainment front; a place where nothing's going to get out its Roman walls. We always had that 'what if?' feeling. We tried but I think it was down to one pivotal point, on what I like to call, the LLC - Lincoln Live Circuit - which were mainly pubs. Good pubs.

Our favourites were two venues that were brimming with people back in the 2008: The Travellers Rest and The Duke of Wellington. The Travs (as it was called), under control of Aurora Promotions, was set up in a function room and had a basic but brilliant set up. A stage, 3 microphones, a drumkit, light effects, the works. Del-Fin's first gig was held there with about 5 other bands. I can remember one band was playing rather early on in the evening. It was their last gig and there was about 3 people watching them. Then along came 4 teenagers who didn't know what they were doing and stole the show with over 50 people watching. Us. It was a great feeling. I got the chance to perform with my friends and show these people who turned up what we could create. Rowan a chance to show of his solo stuff too. Everyone was happy.

When we played The Duke of Wellington (fronted by Bivouac Promotions) it wasn't as heaving as the Travellers Rest but it was a nice easy performance. No faults; just kept it real. That was really good too. A few more performances happened after that. But then disaster and what I think was the beginning of the end. Our then drummer called it a day days before we meant to go stage. We had to improvise with our knowledge and so with the help of Rowan, we created some drum tracks to play along to live. It wasn't the best. It was wierd playing without a drummer and lacked the realism. But we soldiered on, despite the fault. It showed us that nothing could keep us down. A few weeks later, the Travellers Rest closed down which meant Aurora didn't have a venue and Delayed Finality had lost thier prime hotspot. We tried to revive ourself with a Jimmi and Rowan acoustic gig at the Millers Arms (Bivouac Promos were kicked out of the Duke of Wellington and resided there) but the venue wasn't cut out for bands. There was people fighting for space to perform in; it was a good job it was just me and Rowan. If we were a full 4 piece, we would have been in the same predicament. Although it was good, it wasn't much compared to our first gig. The end was nigh. And it took me until recently to think that it wasn't going to last much longer. But, since I have called it off, it gives us all a chance to try something different. Since Rowan's off to Uni and I'm not until next year, it cleaned the air a bit for him to focus on what he want's to focus on, especially for his course. The same goes with me. I've got a route that hopefully in time will get clearer and clearer. So in part two, I'm going to give you the second half of my epiphany.

As it lays then, Finality is now not delayed but On Time. I wrote a lot of songs (about 20) in three years (Okay, 19 and bit) which is some feat. Some were recorded. Others never got to see the light of day at all. But the band was something special. We didn't spend hours hidden away in a garage playing only covers to tell people 'we're in a band.' We created our own music. We recorded our own music. We went out to entertain. We were, in essence, a semi-professional band. We were in an ACTIVE band. We didn't take ourself too seriously. One song I wrote called Equilibrium was originally called Donderkoodal which came about when I got bored and started to type random words into Google. We had an instrumental break called Attack of the Killer Tomato, named by Matt. It must have been a good job we didn't act too seriously because if one of us let us down, we'd be even more dissapointed. I think we got it whilst it at this stage because if it was at all any bigger and we realised we wouldn't get any further and dissapoint more, not just ourselves. All the hype, money, amount of people who saw us is just a bi-product. What really counted was the experience and memories that we created ourselves...That's the important thing really.

Driving: Advancing the Format (and an apology)

2010-07-15T10:14:00.000+01:00

Errr...yeah. I haven't posted anything since the 2nd of June. There are numerous reasons but I going to go with this...Lessons are becoming mundane. Not boring, just samey. That's all. Everything has been covered. As it stands, I am now doing mock tests. I failed my first one. Oh, and I am proud to tell you, I passed my theory test and hazard perception (all thanks to a sheep which I thought at first was a dog and then a horse) and my practical is at the end of August...that is all really. Oh and sorry.

Driving - I really am running out of things to put the word 'Advancing' to

2010-06-02T17:04:00.000+01:00

This weeks lesson was actually really good compared to last weeks. I did say that it was becoming a bit mundane but that's because I wasn't really doing much interesting. But this one was very good. A whole lot composed and fluent. No stalls. A chance for some overtaking. A recovered missed gear. Yes, I did go a bit blank with the parallel park and I did have to re-correct myself with bay parking (to the left, but amazingly parking to the right was done in one shot). I also get the feeling that the Silver Lining is actually a bit of a pocket rocket; it feels go-kart-esque in the corners. Maybe that's a long shot but that's what it feels like. It does take a while to get 70mph but it's really nippy in the corners. And uphills. I tackled the dreaded Millman Hill, that I attacked from the top and worked my way down a few weeks ago. Now, I've not really been good with hills and since this is one of the steepest in Lincoln, I thought I was gonna get eaten by it before I got to the brow. But nope, straight up with a gear change! This is epic. Next week comes my last legal hour. 20 hours would have been added up and I can officially take my test. After my Theory of course.

Driving - Vadcaning

2010-06-02T17:01:00.000+01:00

What to say? All manouvres performed well; lessons just being a lot more mundane. Maybe mundane is the wrong word. Samey. Not tedious though. Still enjoyable but there's nothing more to learn. I just drive around really...Okay, I stalled twice. But they were on side roads and way out of the way of traffic.

Is Google becoming a bit too close to the knuckle?

2010-05-23T14:16:00.000+01:00

A post that I posted a few days ago was branding Google as the start of the internet for many people. Google has thousands of searches on thousands of things. There's gotta be some filth somewhere in all that, surely? So when I visit my dear friend Rowan's Blog, I found this post stating that he searched the word 'special' on Google and I thought I'd give it a go, to see if there was anything else worth a comment on. And lo and behold, I found this:

Ironically, it had nothing to do with the pictures, but the related searches. 'Special offer' clearly acceptable but then we're struck with the almighty bombshell with the word 'retard.' How blunt does it have to be? It doesn't even let you assume. They could have simply put 'special needs' but no. We're give retards on a plate. It's even clickable and you can then see what what special could also mean. Also, even more ironically, Special K doesn't even get a related search. Which goes to show that on Google's 1,010,000,000 (I don't know how to pronounce it. One hundred and million million million and something) pages of the word special, the healthy Kelloggs cereal is not as popular retards.

(Many thanks to Rowan for giving me inspiration for this post. Go check his website out at http://www.blaktornado.com/)

Advert Watching: Cillit Bang

2010-05-22T23:40:00.000+01:00

Ahh, a good advert to rip to shreds. It's one that's come under quite a lot of scrutiny before so this is my chance to shine. Like an old penny?

So here we are. Barry Scott and his lady friend Jill, a stereotypical housewife who has a task on her hands (ironically, it's not getting rid of Barry; he's actually been invited and not broken in). Although if I was directing this advert, I'd have called her Penny, just to be ironic. So I will refer to her as Penny even though in the actual commercial, she's called Jill. You'll just have to pretend. Anyway, we see the pair with bottles of Cillit Bang; the clean-everything detergent. It's the pink bottle we're focusing on today, the others, we have to assume are totally different products for different jobs. Although for all we could know, they could do exactly as the one we're looking at: Cillit Bang Power Grime and Lime. It cleans (or so it claims) limescale, rust, ground in dirt and oh my god what is that bath covered in?

According to Penny (Jill), this bath was the wrong doing of her kids. Yeah, and I'm George Clooney. If social services saw this, I'm pretty sure they'll take them away from her. I mean, whoever lets their bath get to a state like this really should be using Cillit Bang on themselves rather than limescale encrusted taps. Either that or this bath isn't being used as a bath. I don't know about you but whatever it is that surrounds that bath, it must have been really thick to leave that sort of ring around the edge. Like custard or something.

Roundabouts now, Penny looks like she's going to be asking quite a few questions about Barry Scott and his incredible grime busting abilities. Questions like:
-What is a Cillit?
-What makes it go bang?
-Is it full of Nitroglycerin?
-What are the other products you placed on my work surface?
-Are they just the same just with different coloured labels?
-Is Barry Scott your real name?
-Why do you do tests on Pennies? (See, it makes the joke easier)
-Do you have some strange obsession with really clean coinage?

But obviously, before Penny gets to ask any of these, he pulls out - yep, you guessed it - A dirty penny (coin).

And now they've got rid of the Cillit Bang bottles and replaced with another fish tank. What is it with cleaning products and fish tanks? We've already seen that the product works on what it's supposed to clean so why does Barry Scott, if that is his real name, have to better himself. We know. It works! Wrap up the advert and go home! Stop cleaning coins*. But we have to let him do this. He claims it's his old favourite. Like a magician, he then places the coin in the cherryade, I mean, Cillit Bang Power Lime and Grime, and hey presto: a bad magic trick. Penny (lady) then says that he loves that one in a so not wooden or sarcastic tone at all. The screen even wipes across so we don't know if the experiment actually worked. It's not reliable enough. I think he's having us on, personally. Have a look at him and ask yourself if he's a trusted man.

Don't let the mug shot fool you. A quick internet search tells us Barry Scott is a fraud. He's not called Barry Scott at all. He's called Neil Burgess. You can tell. Both his names in his name are first names. Barry and Scott. That no where near an intelligent name for a character. You can't take them two names seriously. Barry was one of the Chuckle Brothers. And as for Scott...well I've looked through Wikipedia's comprehensive list of people with Scott in their names (and there is a lot) and I only know a couple. Not many though. Even bizarrely, Barry doesn't even get a mention. But since he's not giving us his real name, how can we trust him that Cillit Bang works too. Or even if them other bottles were as important as the Power Grime and Lime and Grime.

*Actually, after doing a bit of research on the internet (after looking at people with the name Scott in their name), the Cillit Bang website says this...

Quite clearly in that list of various materials, it says copper. Pennies (coins again) are made with copper. It's why they're called "coppers." It looks like Barry/Neil/Whoever he say he is, hasn't been in doubt about this and read the label on the bottle. They do however suggest you use Brasso on brass!

Bang! And...oh...it's exploded

Driving - Google Advance Search

2010-05-22T20:06:00.001+01:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again; over the coming weeks, I'm going to feel like I'm repeating myself with these posts. So I'll say it again. I've got nothing else to learn now...I've just got to wait until the 20 hour mark has passed until I can legally take the test. Not long at all. All 4 manoeuvres are were completed in this lesson. Although I did hit the curb whilst parallel parking. And I did stall. In the worst place in the world. On a busy Monday evening. On a roundabout. I've conquered roundabouts but this took the biscuit! I know how to takle the roundabout itself. But it turns out I lifted off the clutch a bit too early and then ker-plunk. The car gave way and I was left stranded with people behind me. So I managed to get the car started again and was off on our merry way to our next hazardous thing. A hill. I did have a little trouble with a hill a few weeks ago but I know how to take them on now. This one was totally different though. It was uber-steep so I had to keep my wits about me with it by using a lot of the clutch and revving the engine. So much so, I thought it was going to bounce out of the bonnet. But the Silver Lining managed to pull itself up the steep gradient. Alan said that I managed to do pretty well by myself. I had to really otherwise I would have rolled down the hill and ended up in some poor saps farm. That's it really. It's not a lot compared to my earlier posts but that's because I don't need to learn a lot more now. So, we carried on through showers and shining sun to complete the lesson...

Advert Watching: Vanish

2010-05-21T23:47:00.000+01:00

This is the first post of a series of observations from the Televisual box. A bunch of observations that I will call Advert Watching. It's going to be a comic look at adverts from around the Tv world. We'll that's what I want it to be. It's going to be a tough act to follow but here we go. This maybe a few years old but even up to the current advert, it's elements remain the same so, we start with the Vanish commercial.

It starts off with a woman doing some ironing. Nothing too odd about that. But then...disaster. Mr Advertman is horrified at what this silly woman hasn't noticed! She has ironed the stain deeper into his badly needed shirt. The guy looks mortified; he's clearly in a rush and needs to go out on a business meeting or something highly important that needs this specific shirt. The look on his face says a thousand words. He is literally ripping the hair out of his skull...

What are we going to do about this? It's a stubborn stain that needs a hard hitting substance that takes no prisoners. Cue this woman in pink.

Mr Advertman and his mother are in so much panic to get this stain out, that they fail to notice this woman has clearly broken into their own home to force them to use Vanish. Not one of them asks "where the bloody hell did you come from?" or "What are you doing in my house?." And them eyes. I've seen better eyes on gargoyles compared to that lurid stare. This element is in all these Vanish adverts. The woman breaking and entering. It's not acceptable. Hide everything that's stained otherwise she'll kick your down and you'll have to watch her put dirty washing into your fish tank.

The man who needs his shirt now somehow disappears, probably to get an identical shirt because he's not waiting around for his other shirt to be washed and spin-dried again. If this is the case, then why did he not do this the first time around? Why not wear a different shirt? Is he going to a fancy dress party as an upper class Smurf and absolutely requires to wear blue? Whatever his reason for needing that shirt, he seems to be happy with the results.

Judging from the picture above, I'm guessing, he got an identical shirt. Because, if you look closely at the pile of washing, you can see blue fabric, above the towels. And still they don't seem to notice that the woman is still in their household. She's not going without a fight or something. Maybe dinner. Ironic really. The only thing that really shouldn't be there is still there. Her. The stain went ages ago when she dipped it in the aquarium.

Trust Pink. Forget Stains. And always lock your back door. Especially if you have dirty washing.

Best Websites Ever!

2010-05-21T22:50:00.000+01:00

I thought, this blog could do with a list of all the websites that I think are genius. We all know that the internet is a big place. There is litterally anything to do with anything on the internet. It's one of them inventions that changed the face of modern technology. It just keeps getting more massive as the days go on. So, I've gone through a selection of some of the best websites I've come across on my adventures. Some of them maybe obvious but obviously, I'll give you a reason why they appear here on this list.

http://www.google.co.uk/ - A nice easy one here. Google is the internet to a lot of people. In a basic summary, if anyone is unsure of anything, then Google it! They 99% of the time will have the answer. It may not be the right answer but an answer none-the-less! In fact, Pac-Man made a guest appearence on the main page. As with Google's tradition, they like to put up Google Doodles to show an anniversay of something that means something to the people. In my case tonight, it was the 30th anniversary of Pac-Man.

http://www.cracked.com/ - I discovered Cracked around about Summer last year after I was searching for a list of "Silly band names." One of the links I found was to Cracked.com (an American magazine and main rivals to Mad Magazine) and so I naturally followed the link and ended up on the site. And oh my god! I was hooked. I didn't know someone could laugh so much at written work. I just didn't see it possible! Cracked mainly focus on list based humour - where I get the inspiration from for this blog actually - and a different angle on society and life. And it's not all. They have regular videos, pictures and photoshop competitions too, that are presented in a similar way. It's just unbelievably hilarious although it is an equired taste, but still...the majority of the people who I've showed it to are now also fans. Oh and please note, I'm not knicking Cracked's format, I'm just presenting it in a style that'll be more relatable to a British audience.

http://www.uncyclopedia.wikia.com/ - Everybody knows Wikipedia. Whether it's to find out the information from a Tv show, information on a person (dead or alive) or just to copy and paste something into your essay, wikipedia has it all. All very good (we'll think about the latter). The Uncyclopedia is owned by the same company but is totally a whole different barrel of salmon! Uncyclopedia is exactly the opposite of Wiki.' It rips everything to shreds with its satirical look on everything. And the best thing is, you can edit it. Like Wiki, it is monitered and they do issue you with advice to be funny and not just stupid, which just goes to show, something as funny as this can be quite professional.

http://www.netdisaster.com/ - I really would have liked to put it on this list because NetDisaster is the business! But since they got cautioned for looking like a phishing site, they were ordered to shut up shot. Back in the days, NetDisaster gave you the control to destroy any website of your choice. Just type in the web address, pick the torture (Spray can, chainsaw, vomit, etc) and watch as it get's trashed. I actually miss it, but they do give you the chance to do it to your own desktop now. All is not lost in the world of NetDisaster!

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/ - IWOOT made an appearence in my gadget blog last year and even though its an online shop, it's a brilliant online shop. IWOOT specialises in awesome (and they say this themselves) stuff that you really want, but don't necessarily need. The staff on there know how to write about the stuff they test. It's full of humour no matter which gadget it is. They give it a sparkle, even if you think it's not very good, they seem to. The thing is, everything is good on that site. So good, that almost everything needs to be bought. And it's probably this reason why I Want One of Those is on here and Amazon isn't.

http://www.snopes.com/ - Snopes is a website that specialises in Urban legends and folklore from around the planet. If there's a rumour that seems too unrealistic to be true, Snope go and find out if it's true or not. And to be honest, it's all actually very surprising how much of it turns out to be true. And it's got all the classics like lore relating to Coca-cola, Elvis and James Dean's Porsche Spyder that went on a murderous rampage, long after Dean's tragic death. Some of the things that appear on there really do make you think twice before venturing out your own door but the majority of times what you think may be real, is actually a load of nonesense. A bit like QI. But if it's true, then it's true, but that can be a good thing.

http://www.uk.askmen.com/ - Online magazines are the best. Ask Men is full of some very useful information. Info from how to excersise efficiently to cars to celebrities, all with the blokey attitude. There's is actually quite a lot packed onto this website but it looks smart and it is smart. Not all of the information is reliable but as something to read and to expand 0n, this does the job very well. And then you've got the little bit's like viewers surveys, jokes, pictures and all stuff like that. It makes it very compulsive.

http://www.moviemistakes.com/ - You get some nerds who purposely watch a film and look for mistakes. So rather than having one as a friend, have this handy site to find the bits you missed that you weren't supposed to see. It's amazing what some films get away with. It's probably a matter of "oh, we'll leave it in anyway" in the editing room. They don't just do the mistakes either. There's lists of trivia, quotes and corrections that the nerds get wrong. A little like IMDB but more in touch with the people.

http://www.imcdb.org/ and http://www.igcd.net/ - are very similar websites. Following from the Internet Movie Database way of things, the Internet Movie Car Database and the Internet Game Car Database are for car fans respectively. I know not everyone is a fan of cars but these are actually very good, especially to see what's what in films or games. The IMCDB shows any car that has appeared in any film or TV show. The same with the IGCD but with video games (it's very good for looking at what cars the fictional vehicles in Grand Theft Auto should look like). They both show you what your not looking for, probably, when comes to either of them but they're still good to look over.

Driving - Advance to Mayfair. If you pass GO, collect £200

2010-05-10T20:41:00.000+01:00

No less than 4 days after last Friday's lesson, I was thrown into the driving seat once again after a short break. Monday afternoon in Lincoln is a weird mix of no traffic and traffic. Again, since I've learned all my manoeuvres, I just have to perfect them before the big TEST, which is approaching but not very fast. Kinda like, you're at the bus stop, you see the bus coming, and then the driver waits because he's running early. More of the same as last week (but in Morrison's car park) with the reversing stuff. Only touched the pavement once whilst parallel parking but everything else is all dandy. Er...maybe had to correct myself whilst bay parking but it's allowed. Roundabouts however...bring them on! I know what to do now. Smoother shifts around and no stopping. More being positive with the accelerator (foot down!). 3 to 4 and 4 to 5 feels brilliant, accelerating up to 70mph too on the dual carriageways. Hard to believe I've only been doing this since March. It's feeling a whole lot more composed and relaxed with reactions and awareness on a high. It's going good. Bad grammar but...hey, ne'mind. The car - The Silver Lining - is starting to feel more comfortable. It feels a lot more mechanical. As in, the gears feel like they are going where they should. That's a bonus I suppose. Although, I don't like it when the engine over revs during shifts...It's rather cringeworthy. However, all in all, it was a good clean drive.

Driving - (Game Boy) Advance

2010-05-10T20:37:00.000+01:00

With a new batch underway, It was time to get back behind the wheel for yet...erm...you guessed it, another lesson (surprise, surprise). However with a new day, and since last week, I hadn't learned anything new, it was time to learn something new. And something I've covered, but going into it in more detail, which can only be a good thing. Of course, there's still the same; roundabouts, traffic lights, stalling but the least said about that, the better!

New thing during this lesson was to be able to bay park. I thought this would be rather difficult, but I did think that parallel parking would be difficult and I managed to pull that off rather seamlessly. We went to an empty hotel car park - probably empty because it was a bad hotel? Who knows. But what I did know is that it's a good job it was empty because it would give me enough room if I were to suddenly make a mistake. And, to my shock, I didn't make any. I really do believe I'm better going backwards in a car. As useful as that sounds, it's not very practical. Both to the left and to the right, it was all rather simple. Probably too simple. I was using the concave mini-mirrors though but for first attempts, they would have resulted in a pass in the test. Maybe a bit of correcting, but that's allowed!
If you may remember (if not, then shame on you), I didn't have a good experience with a hill. I almost rolled down into the car behind me. So, after going down a very steep one, only using my foot brake, it was time to relearn hill starts. I'm actually good at this too. I don't know where my knowledge went from last week. I can balance power and clutch until I release the handbrake and I'm away. I did this again. And again. And again. And then carried on.
Not much more to say really. Just some more ego boosting with another overtake which saw me press on over 70mph, to get past a vehicle safely (it's allowed apparently) and all that. And, finally, that's all my manoeuvres learned. Just need to perfect them and I'll be sorted.

Awesome Things with Wheels

2010-05-03T23:14:00.001+01:00

This post is all about things with wheels. Now, I'm all for anything with wheels, but the word before the word 'Thing' is Awesome! Which means the things that will feature on this list will be better than normal things are. I'm a bit of a transport fan. Anything that moves people and items, I'm all for. Cars, Trains, Planes, Boats, etc. This starting post focus' on them related to land going vehicles. Let's get started.

The Bucket Wheel Excavator
What a great way to start a list! Bam! Straight into the deep end with this one. Surprisingly it doesn't have wheels...ah. Oh well, we'll still carry on because this is awesome. Bucket Wheel Excavators are used in mining. That's probably thier only practical use. But what makes it a contender for this list? Well, have you seen it? This sort of thing makes even Optimus Prime shake with fear!. It looks like something hell-bent on destroying the Earth. Actually, that is kinda what it does, except it more or less just digs it up. JCB's are known for thier digging ability but this just takes the biscuit! Vatican City is smaller than this. Bagger 293 (pictured above) is so big, it's scored the Guinness World Record the biggest land vehicle ever at over 738 feet long, 319 feet tall and weighs over 14,000 tons. Funnily enough, it only requires 5 people to operate it making it very simple for it's size.

Challenger 2 Trojan
Again with the tracks...To be honest, I really wouldn't want to come face to face with a tank. The Challenger 2's are scarily awesome as they are. They shoot missiles out of that long tube on the front, travel over rough terrain at 40mph and blow up whatever may be in the way. Buildings. Planes. Bridges. Other tanks. Now, I know tracks aren't really wheels but it should still be here. The picture above is only the front of one of it's variants - the Trojan - and it isn't made any less scary with Uncle Albert in his day glow jacket pictured slightly to the left of this menacing machine. Yes, they have removed the cannon, which is relief. Whoa, hold ye of little faith as this bit of war kit has been decked out with all manor of lovely looking things (and by lovely, I actually mean dangerous). The Trojan is fitted with an excavator bucket so it can pick things up and move them. Things like buildings, planes, bridges and other tanks. The plough has got them evil teeth to help clear mines and push things out of the way. This has been used in Afghanistan (and on Top Gear, where I first saw it) to go on ahead to create a clear path for other vehicles. Well, that's what they say. I think it's used to scare the living daylights out of whoever may be around...

Roller Coasters
Can we say that roller coasters are a form of land transport? For the ease of my selfish self, I'm going to say yes. Mainly because, roller coasters are a form of such feats that they sort of have to be. For example, the worlds fastest roller coaster is Kingda Ka. Kingda Ka resides in one of America's world famous Six Flags parks. It is made even more special by what it is designed to do: go from 0-128 mph in 2.8 seconds. Put this into consideration. It is a safe way of going above the US speed limit without a car. 128mph is fast on anyone's account. But getting there in less time than thinking about getting off, you're hurtled along the track and up the worlds tallest drop. And the thing is with roller coasters is that they're incredibly initiative. Air at Alton Towers is the worlds first flying roller coaster and although it doesn't go very fast, it gives a whole new roller coaster experience. Alton Towers has a thing with worlds firsts. Oblivion (above), Air an Th13teen are the worlds first "Dive Machines," Flying Roller coaster and aptly named "Psychoaster" respectively which isn't bad for the fact they're all British. Speaking of world firsts, Universal Studios in Florida has the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit which add a soundtrack to your ride. It's the little things you know. So, are they a contender for the list? Letting you travel faster than the speed limit, safely throw you into loops and barrel rolls in a little train...yes, they do! Hmmm, train...

London Northern Eastern Railway Pacific Class A4 4468
Also known as Mallard, for those of you who don't want to say London Northern Eastern Railway Pacific Class A4 4468 in your head every time you read it, is, well, quite simply a steam train. But not just any old steam train. Mallard is the worlds fastest steam train. Now, 126mph doesn't sound very fast (I mean, Kingda Ka goes 2mph faster) but it powered it's way to it's record breaking journey in 1938. That's a record that's been held for 74 years! The only way you could have gone faster in 1938, would have been by plane (very expensive) or to throw yourself off a very tall building and wait until you reach your terminal velocity, which may or may not be 125mph - depends on how streamlined you are. America tried to have a go with the PRR S1 Prototype but it was unofficially recorded, so Mallard keeps the title to this day. That's true, British engineering for you. New-fangled trains now do that speed legally on the line, showing that you can only just as fast then as what you can now (I say that, today's trains can go faster but tend not to).

ThrustSCC
ThrustSCC is a car. But not any ordinary car. There's no boot. There's no place for your passenger to go. There's not even a spare wheel in case one gets flat. What Thrust is, is berserk. With Thrust, instead of an internal combustion engine, there are two Rolls-Royce jet engines either side of the cockpit. SCC stands for Super Sonic Car. It was designed for one reason in particular. To break the land speed record for and the sound barrier. It went so fast, that the team behind the car had to give the controls to RAF pilot, Andy Green, to cope with the forces this 763mph car could create. And to put it into perspective. A Boeing 777 cruises at just over 500mph. 763mph is just over Mach 1 (very fast). It really is an upside down airplane with no wings. The car broke the speed limit set by it's predecessor Thrust2 in 1997 and now the British/American creators aim to go 1,000mph with their new vehicle Bloodhound, but that's not til next year so ThrustSCC is staying firmly here.

The Segway
Now, hear me out. There is meaning behind the madness. How can a device used to usher fat Americans around be here on the same list as the stupidly fast ThrustSCC or the almighty Trojan? Well, the answer is simple. In fact it's too simple. In actual fact I've given the simple of answer of simple a few times in them few sentences. It's because it's so simple! I have been on a Segway and how they work is just nothing short of remarkable. The laws of physics state that it should not work; it should just fall over, only having two wheels on the side n'all. But the technology in there makes it stand upright. So upright that it can take the strain of a person. Just lean forwards to go forwards and lean backwards to stop or go backwards. And to turn, simply turn the handlebars like you would with a bike. In that small casing under your feet, there's a gyroscope that senses movement and make it act accordingly. It's very easy to operate but unfortunately, it doesn't like to fit in with society in the UK like what it does with America and that's why it hasn't caught on over here. Which is a shame really. Just goes to show: we're a lot different to the Americans really.

The Batmobile

I wanted to be ironic with the last vehicle and wanted to pick a car that was made famous from a movie. I only chose the Batmobile (Tumbler from Batman Begins and The Dark Knight) because it looks pretty menacing, with it's stealth armour and massive rear wheels to name a few of it's features. But I could have also chosen the DeLorean DMC-12 from the Back to the Future trilogy; that could travel through time itself. I could also have chosen Ecto-1; The converted hearse from Ghostbusters. Or I could have chosen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. There's so much choice! Bond's Aston Martin DB5; Herby the VW Beetle Love Bug; Lightning McQueen; The murderous Christine from the film Christine all deserve a mention. All because they're all awesome in their own unique way. Usually the wheels end up becoming more famous than the films they appear in or the films become more iconic, thanks to the car!

Driving - Anticipo (It's Italian)

2010-05-03T22:21:00.000+01:00

It's starting to seem that every other lesson is an easy one. I'm learning new skill in rows of two weeks, so by assumption, it mean my next lesson should be bay parking. As with last week, I was going over what I've already learnt. We tried some more real life driving. On this lesson, I took the Silver Lining down the other part of the A46, to Newark way (which I actually prefer). On this, I went over the overpass, came down the other side and attempted to rejoin traffic. I did something I've never done before and I'm not talking about the rejoining traffic part. I missed 3rd again for the first time in weeks! But not from 2nd. Oh no, I've stopped doing that. But from 5th. I've never done it before...so, really, I'm excused from it. Yes, that's my excuse. Rejoining traffic for the first time wasn't nervy either. I thought it would be but I was far too busy waiting for a gap to come up. I also get to be a bit happier with the accelerator. I like this! It's good. And again, with the overtaking. I like this too.

That's what this lesson was all about. Real life driving. I even managed to parallel park between two cars. Not one, two. All whilst staying parallel to the kerb. I felt on top of the world. We did encounter some idiot trying to get somewhere really quickly, but then getting stopped at the lights. Idiot! Then there was travelling down hill at such a rate, I didn't need the accelerator. Just the break. In fact quite a lot of break. And all the glorious drivers who appreciate you letting them in. Letting them into busy traffic mind, but still. I like the courtious drivers who treat you well. I'm also learning when to break when approaching a roundabout at speed. Drop to the 30-or-so and then shift. Not the other way around, which I had been doing. And finally, another bay park, staight in, in between the lines just in one attempt. And since this is the start of the second block of lessons, Alan says I could be ready for my test in about 10 weeks or so. Which is stupidly close. I've gotta take my theory first...

Driving - GNICNAVDA

2010-05-03T22:06:00.000+01:00

New lesson, new things to learn. Today I was learning how to parallel park. I felt somewhat nervous about this one because I thought I had to get inbetween two cars. Luckily, I was told that this is only in a 'real life' situation and chances are it probably won't come up on the test. All I had to was keep an eye on the back of the car I was trying to reverse around. Once the rear of our car was past the rear of the other car, it would then be safe to reverse around and line up with the pavement. One turn of the wheel to the left, two to the right, and another turn to the left before moving forward should get me parallel to the pavement. And success! The first time that is. The second time I did have to straighten up a little but this was no big deal and we were soon on our way. Again, like previous weeks, we went over the previous manouvres with no real problems. Maybe just swinging out too far in the reverse around the corner but this was easily resolved.

But I tell what got on my nerves this lesson. Someone behind me who can't be patient enough to wait for me to move off at a roundabout. Well, they must be blind, because I couldn't have gone anyway. I can only move off when there's a sufficient enough gap to get the car. If I had gone, someone would have been...erm...what's the word...killed to death! I felt tempted to stall but that would have been childish and I quickly put the silly man and his silly attitude to the back of my head. He's gonna have to wait...

Can I stress how easy this is becoming now? Nah, I'll save myself the hassle because I'm getting bored of writing what I've already done. I did however go entirely blank when trying to set off from a hill. I unreleased the handbreak before setting the clutch and accelerator and the car rolled back. A four letter expletive went through my mind before hurrying to but the handbreak back on. I tell you what, it's a good way of learning things. I don't think I'll be wanting to do something like that EVER again! No stalls, no danger, no deaths and no worries! Rock'n'roll! I also parked quite successfully too! Bonus!

Driving - I'm running out of advancing things to put into the title...

2010-05-03T22:02:00.000+01:00

To be brutally honest, the next lesson was very simple. Since I'm going on at reasonable pace, everything is starting to level out but I still make the occasional mistakes. One of which was stalling at a traffic light, but thank heavens, whilst it was still red. And again at a stop sign. This weren't very dangerous stalls and so we carry on as we do. Again, more of the manoeuvres but merging them both together. 2 reverse around the corners and 2 turns in the road. And that's really it. I don't want to bore you by repeating myself which is why this is a very short post.

Driving - Give me an A! Give me a D! Give me a V! Give me another A! Give me an N! Give me a C! Give me an I! Give me another N! Give me a G

2010-04-07T20:28:00.001+01:00

Horray! April showers! Was I put off? Was I heck! Well apart from being slightly baffled by looking for the headlight switch. I've never used headlights before but Alan explained why. Quite simply, it was raining. The window wipers are easy to use so because of the situation, they were on way before the engine was started. Straight off, into the wilderness that was the big open world. I'd like to say that this lesson was like last weeks but all-in-all it wasn't. It was a different sort of a relaxing drive. No intimidating drivers, no majorly silly mistakes, just a good, clean lesson. I even learned a new manoeuvre - Reversing around a corner.
This was actually a walk in the park. Apparently I've got good co-ordination and observation and I can control the car very well when going backwards on level, uphill or downhill roads. Okay, maybe a little stall because I let the clutch go when the car wasn't in handbrake/neutral but that was a slip on my foot's behalf. But I didn't touch the kerb once, only missing it very slightly but not in a way that would brand a big FAIL on my test. And I had to expect the unexpected like when reversing downhill, gravity and the gradient of the hill really do pull the car quite firmly. So firmly that I hardly had to use the clutch, only the foot brake which actually makes it simpler but after doing the manoeuvre with ease a few times, initiative wants me to pull off but no, I can cope. The same is opposite too when going uphill as you need more power. Also unexpected was a man on a mobility scooter using the road to move onto the pavement a few yards down the street! But that sort of thing is what I should be looking out for. Reversing around a corner is very simple if I take the time and I can now pull it off rather well, if I must say so myself without beating about the bush too much.
Yet again, this lesson featured more observing. I'm starting to read the road better and the traffic and I know what actions to take before doing them. Gear changes are also getting very smooth now and as for roundabouts...they're more friendlier than what they were.
I encountered a few of them today on the dual carriage way I drove on a couple of weeks ago. The same carriageway I feared. I'm actually growing very fond of the 70mph thrill roads (as I will now call them). I conquered one roundabout and was on my way when Alan says "...around about here you can be more positive with the accelerator so not to get cut up by inconsiderate drivers..." These words were fantastic to hear. In a nutshell 'put your foot down!' The Silver Lining maybe a 1.4 diesel Ford Fiesta but it's got a bit of a growl to it when you put foot down, in much the same way as a Fiat Punto does. What I wasn't expecting though was to be doing some overtaking. That was also very egoboosting. Mainly because I got to break the law a little bit to get a safe distance in front of a caravan. The same goes for shifting into 5th gear deliberately. It's very fun and feels great to whack it into 5th to get a bit more growl. Very satisfying if not very relaxing in the process...

Driving - Advancing the 'advanced' metaphor? Nope? Okay then...

2010-04-07T20:16:00.000+01:00

By this lesson, lesson 6, things are starting to ease out a lot more. It's all becoming the same thing as last week but without the decency to becoming monotomous. This drive was just a simple recap of what I've basically done with more of what I did last week - The turning in the road. Simple stuff. Nothing out of the blue. Reversing out of a parking space was probably the most adventurous thing. Oh and the S word. I stalled whilst trying to turn but that's no biggy, everyone does it! And if they don't, then they should to make me feel better. Even so, this feels more disappointing than not learning the new skill I was expecting.
Another thing I noticed in this lesson isn't really a something that can be taught. It happens naturally and that's courtesy. After the first 20 minutes behind the wheel I got overtaken by some fool in a jumped up Saxo for them to get stopped by the lights. He was in the wrong (or she - I didn't the driver) for overtaking me as we all know that the L plates on the front and rear mean OVERTAKE ME FOR GOD'S SAKE! But once he had gone it's like a beam of light appeared and everyone else found enlightenment. Everyone started to have more courtesy and I was getting waved on and thanks and waited for. It's a good feeling. And of course my attitude is like thiers. I wait and wave them thanks. Everyone's a happy chappy and that makes better roads. And it makes me a better driver!

Driving - Slightly more advanced than last week but a lot advanced than the week before

2010-03-26T14:08:00.001Z

Lesson 5 behind the wheel started off okay. I pulled out of the parking space and the whole car park perfectly without no immediate danger. That was until I got to the end of the junction and I was told to drive straight on. I didn't. I turned left. Oh well, I fancied going around part of the route that I attempted 2 weeks ago relearning how to take on sweeping bends, tight corners and potholes. To be honest it wasn't a great start but a start none the less! Well, what to say for this then?
Actually, not a lot. I'm going to sound like I'm repeating myself through most of this adventure. I'm still keeping aware and I'm getting better at certain aspects. I also still missing out gears. And for the first time, they're starting to resist me shifting. I have to physically slam them into position. That's what they get if they don't co-operate. And when they resist and won't go in first time, I have to coast which (from what I've learned) is not a good idea. And then when I miss 4th for 2nd - which is very new to me - on dual carriage way with a lot of speedy traffic, it hits a nerve and you start to panic. A couple of weeks ago, I didn't like roundabouts. This week, I'm starting to accept them but now dual carriage ways with they're scary crosswinds and 70mph limits aren't my favourite Friend at the moment. That's said, one roundabout caught me a cropper when I got told to stay left. I got slightly confused and almost turned left at the roundabout without indicating. Normally throughout today I stayed on route and managed to pull off the roundabout thing with ease but that one crafty one just managed to find a weakness; something I'll have to work on...
But the main task for today was to be successfully be able to complete 1 manoeuvre: A turn in the road.
Alan bought out his laminated diagram of a road and took two toy cars out of the Silver Linings cup holder and explained how the task should be carried out, with the addition of a Ferrari waiting for me to show what another driver should do. Either wait or go. Then it was my turn in the real thing. Check mirrors, no need to signal, first gear, revs, mirrors again, look, look, look again, clutch to biting point, full right lock and edge up to the kerb. Then we put the handbrake on and do all that but in reverse. And then finally one more time before driving off (hence why it used to be called 'The Three Point Turn'). I did it seamlessly 4 times. I was quite proud of this. Reversing never felt so easy before. I think I'm going to like Reverse, probably more times than I like 3rd.
That was really it. The only other dangers that I found were birds and buses. I almost hit a very suicidal bird and after pulling out from behind a bus, I almost hit a brand new Jaguar XF which wouldn't have gone down very nicely with the driver. And yet again, things are becoming easier, I can't stress how easy they have gotten since lesson one. Even my reactions happen quicker for noticing hazards and whatnot; mirrors are becoming second nature; turning corners are smoother and I'm starting to remember to rev the engine before moving off on a standstill...Easy!
Next week I'm apparently doing reverse turns...which is good because I like reversing!

Driving - Even more advanced than last week

2010-03-19T14:00:00.001Z

What a total change! It's not raining. I know, shocking isn't it. This lesson was done in the heat of a warm spring day. No rain what so ever, although as I type the sky is become rather grey so the least I say about the weather the better.
Today, there was no 'being driven to a quiet place to swap over.' The reason being the Silver Lining was parked facing out into a rather empty car park. Nice way to start off. It showed that not only can I drive out of a parking space but that I can also unlock the car. You know what that's like...and who knows. It may come up on the test.
The Silver Lining and I were prised and ready. Ready to be taken to more places I hadn't been before, just like last week. I drove out of the car park and into a set of traffic lights. Nothing peculiar, everything is all coming along nicely now. I then went across the roundabout I had got beeped at last week and carried on down a main road, just nudging 40mph. I then had approach a set of traffic lights that I had not negotiated before. Again this wasn't really too tricky, but at the end of this road was another roundabout. They seem to get everywhere. I really wish they were magic. That'd make things a lot more...er...magical! Although, that said, I did manage to get the indication right this time without my instructor taking over. However, I did cut the corner very finely, but I still managed to get across with no one being seriously hurt, psychically or emotionally. Down this road, I had to keep my eyes peeled for people coming out at junctions and that included ambulances and fire engines with their big shouty lights and sirens. Luckily, there wasn't a fire or an accident so I could carry on. At this point, I knew how I was doing. Everything is becoming easier. Things like hovering over the brake just in case; braking then setting the clutch, getting ready to stop and change gear at the lights and not missing gears (I missed third yet again but with 5th so that is reasonably acceptable). After passing these traffic lights, being aware of buses and going over a bridge, I encountered what looked like a slow moving shed on wheels. I now hope that the shed will come up on the hazard perception, because I dealt with that little garden hardware quite well. Although though really with the next obstacle: A hill. I couldn't really tell if the engine needed more power and being in 3rd, I thought it was alright. Alan shifted into 2nd and the car changed with a jolt. I thought the engine didn't seem to like it either, but it gave me a bit more power up said hill. It was very steep so, go me, even though I didn't really do much.
More traffic lights followed around what is known as The Cathedral Quarter of Lincoln, albeit, on the edge of the Quarter. More like the Cathedral Eighth. This part of Lincoln links onto Hull (A15). I then had to go around a very quiet estate that I didn't know was there. I've been living in Lincoln for 18 years and I had no idea. It was full of good practices though, such as mini-roundabouts (just because they're small, doesn't make them any less menacing); give ways and narrow, sweepy roads. I then went back onto the A15 before going out into the country looking for things like the national speed limit sign. I liked this sign. It meant I could use 5th gear and it not be mistake. I darted along the roads very nimbly all this time, the sun beating down on me which makes a change to rain. Country roads done, now for the highlight: The Bypass, A46.
I covered a bit of the A46 last week but that was only a single carriage way. This part of the bypass was dual so this mean I could go all the way up to 70, even though I played it safe and stuck to 65 as the '46 is rather notorious for accidents. Luckily (again) the ambulance or the fire engine wasn't needed! I liked this bit. Not even a roundabout phased me. Nor two. Three? Nuhuh. 4? Nope. Roundabouts are becoming easier! All with indicating and changing gear whilst turning!
I'm now back down to the built up area I covered in my first lesson. There was something I didn't expect though. One idiot, and I'm not using the term loosely, his IQ must have been in the minus', tried to creep out of a junction when it was far too late making Alan use his brake a-la Emergency Stop. I, nor he, was expecting it. It wasn't my fault. Stupid man. Doesn't deserve to be driving in his mental state.
Onwards we went, covering more traffic lights and stopping and starting. It was at this point, I learned something new. Something I hadn't known before, which is a bit embarrassing because I'm a car fanatic. I learned that the clutch can be used to move the car. I thought the clutch didn't do anything apart from let you change gear. Now it drives the car! That sounds a bit ridiculous. This makes it easier for me as when I was edging forward before, I was using the accelerator too. Now I know not to. That's genius! Although what followed afterwards was not genius...

All that was left was to do was follow part of the route I did last week, wait for temporary traffic lights to change, watch out for a speed camera and get back to were I started. Simple really...
Next week though, I do the challenging stuff - Maneuvers. And that includes learning how to spell Manoeuvres correctly...