Driving - I really am running out of things to put the word 'Advancing' to

This weeks lesson was actually really good compared to last weeks. I did say that it was becoming a bit mundane but that's because I wasn't really doing much interesting. But this one was very good. A whole lot composed and fluent. No stalls. A chance for some overtaking. A recovered missed gear. Yes, I did go a bit blank with the parallel park and I did have to re-correct myself with bay parking (to the left, but amazingly parking to the right was done in one shot). I also get the feeling that the Silver Lining is actually a bit of a pocket rocket; it feels go-kart-esque in the corners. Maybe that's a long shot but that's what it feels like. It does take a while to get 70mph but it's really nippy in the corners. And uphills. I tackled the dreaded Millman Hill, that I attacked from the top and worked my way down a few weeks ago. Now, I've not really been good with hills and since this is one of the steepest in Lincoln, I thought I was gonna get eaten by it before I got to the brow. But nope, straight up with a gear change! This is epic. Next week comes my last legal hour. 20 hours would have been added up and I can officially take my test. After my Theory of course.

Driving - Vadcaning

What to say? All manouvres performed well; lessons just being a lot more mundane. Maybe mundane is the wrong word. Samey. Not tedious though. Still enjoyable but there's nothing more to learn. I just drive around really...Okay, I stalled twice. But they were on side roads and way out of the way of traffic.

Is Google becoming a bit too close to the knuckle?

A post that I posted a few days ago was branding Google as the start of the internet for many people. Google has thousands of searches on thousands of things. There's gotta be some filth somewhere in all that, surely? So when I visit my dear friend Rowan's Blog, I found this post stating that he searched the word 'special' on Google and I thought I'd give it a go, to see if there was anything else worth a comment on. And lo and behold, I found this:

Ironically, it had nothing to do with the pictures, but the related searches. 'Special offer' clearly acceptable but then we're struck with the almighty bombshell with the word 'retard.' How blunt does it have to be? It doesn't even let you assume. They could have simply put 'special needs' but no. We're give retards on a plate. It's even clickable and you can then see what what special could also mean. Also, even more ironically, Special K doesn't even get a related search. Which goes to show that on Google's 1,010,000,000 (I don't know how to pronounce it. One hundred and million million million and something) pages of the word special, the healthy Kelloggs cereal is not as popular retards.

(Many thanks to Rowan for giving me inspiration for this post. Go check his website out at http://www.blaktornado.com/)

Advert Watching: Cillit Bang

Ahh, a good advert to rip to shreds. It's one that's come under quite a lot of scrutiny before so this is my chance to shine. Like an old penny?

So here we are. Barry Scott and his lady friend Jill, a stereotypical housewife who has a task on her hands (ironically, it's not getting rid of Barry; he's actually been invited and not broken in). Although if I was directing this advert, I'd have called her Penny, just to be ironic. So I will refer to her as Penny even though in the actual commercial, she's called Jill. You'll just have to pretend. Anyway, we see the pair with bottles of Cillit Bang; the clean-everything detergent. It's the pink bottle we're focusing on today, the others, we have to assume are totally different products for different jobs. Although for all we could know, they could do exactly as the one we're looking at: Cillit Bang Power Grime and Lime. It cleans (or so it claims) limescale, rust, ground in dirt and oh my god what is that bath covered in?


According to Penny (Jill), this bath was the wrong doing of her kids. Yeah, and I'm George Clooney. If social services saw this, I'm pretty sure they'll take them away from her. I mean, whoever lets their bath get to a state like this really should be using Cillit Bang on themselves rather than limescale encrusted taps. Either that or this bath isn't being used as a bath. I don't know about you but whatever it is that surrounds that bath, it must have been really thick to leave that sort of ring around the edge. Like custard or something.


Roundabouts now, Penny looks like she's going to be asking quite a few questions about Barry Scott and his incredible grime busting abilities. Questions like:
-What is a Cillit?
-What makes it go bang?
-Is it full of Nitroglycerin?
-What are the other products you placed on my work surface?
-Are they just the same just with different coloured labels?
-Is Barry Scott your real name?
-Why do you do tests on Pennies? (See, it makes the joke easier)
-Do you have some strange obsession with really clean coinage?

But obviously, before Penny gets to ask any of these, he pulls out - yep, you guessed it - A dirty penny (coin).

And now they've got rid of the Cillit Bang bottles and replaced with another fish tank. What is it with cleaning products and fish tanks? We've already seen that the product works on what it's supposed to clean so why does Barry Scott, if that is his real name, have to better himself. We know. It works! Wrap up the advert and go home! Stop cleaning coins*. But we have to let him do this. He claims it's his old favourite. Like a magician, he then places the coin in the cherryade, I mean, Cillit Bang Power Lime and Grime, and hey presto: a bad magic trick. Penny (lady) then says that he loves that one in a so not wooden or sarcastic tone at all. The screen even wipes across so we don't know if the experiment actually worked. It's not reliable enough. I think he's having us on, personally. Have a look at him and ask yourself if he's a trusted man.

Don't let the mug shot fool you. A quick internet search tells us Barry Scott is a fraud. He's not called Barry Scott at all. He's called Neil Burgess. You can tell. Both his names in his name are first names. Barry and Scott. That no where near an intelligent name for a character. You can't take them two names seriously. Barry was one of the Chuckle Brothers. And as for Scott...well I've looked through Wikipedia's comprehensive list of people with Scott in their names (and there is a lot) and I only know a couple. Not many though. Even bizarrely, Barry doesn't even get a mention. But since he's not giving us his real name, how can we trust him that Cillit Bang works too. Or even if them other bottles were as important as the Power Grime and Lime and Grime.

*Actually, after doing a bit of research on the internet (after looking at people with the name Scott in their name), the Cillit Bang website says this...

Quite clearly in that list of various materials, it says copper. Pennies (coins again) are made with copper. It's why they're called "coppers." It looks like Barry/Neil/Whoever he say he is, hasn't been in doubt about this and read the label on the bottle. They do however suggest you use Brasso on brass!



Bang! And...oh...it's exploded

Driving - Google Advance Search

I've said it before and I'll say it again; over the coming weeks, I'm going to feel like I'm repeating myself with these posts. So I'll say it again. I've got nothing else to learn now...I've just got to wait until the 20 hour mark has passed until I can legally take the test. Not long at all. All 4 manoeuvres are were completed in this lesson. Although I did hit the curb whilst parallel parking. And I did stall. In the worst place in the world. On a busy Monday evening. On a roundabout. I've conquered roundabouts but this took the biscuit! I know how to takle the roundabout itself. But it turns out I lifted off the clutch a bit too early and then ker-plunk. The car gave way and I was left stranded with people behind me. So I managed to get the car started again and was off on our merry way to our next hazardous thing. A hill. I did have a little trouble with a hill a few weeks ago but I know how to take them on now. This one was totally different though. It was uber-steep so I had to keep my wits about me with it by using a lot of the clutch and revving the engine. So much so, I thought it was going to bounce out of the bonnet. But the Silver Lining managed to pull itself up the steep gradient. Alan said that I managed to do pretty well by myself. I had to really otherwise I would have rolled down the hill and ended up in some poor saps farm. That's it really. It's not a lot compared to my earlier posts but that's because I don't need to learn a lot more now. So, we carried on through showers and shining sun to complete the lesson...

Advert Watching: Vanish

This is the first post of a series of observations from the Televisual box. A bunch of observations that I will call Advert Watching. It's going to be a comic look at adverts from around the Tv world. We'll that's what I want it to be. It's going to be a tough act to follow but here we go. This maybe a few years old but even up to the current advert, it's elements remain the same so, we start with the Vanish commercial.


It starts off with a woman doing some ironing. Nothing too odd about that. But then...disaster. Mr Advertman is horrified at what this silly woman hasn't noticed! She has ironed the stain deeper into his badly needed shirt. The guy looks mortified; he's clearly in a rush and needs to go out on a business meeting or something highly important that needs this specific shirt. The look on his face says a thousand words. He is literally ripping the hair out of his skull...

What are we going to do about this? It's a stubborn stain that needs a hard hitting substance that takes no prisoners. Cue this woman in pink.

Mr Advertman and his mother are in so much panic to get this stain out, that they fail to notice this woman has clearly broken into their own home to force them to use Vanish. Not one of them asks "where the bloody hell did you come from?" or "What are you doing in my house?." And them eyes. I've seen better eyes on gargoyles compared to that lurid stare. This element is in all these Vanish adverts. The woman breaking and entering. It's not acceptable. Hide everything that's stained otherwise she'll kick your down and you'll have to watch her put dirty washing into your fish tank.

The man who needs his shirt now somehow disappears, probably to get an identical shirt because he's not waiting around for his other shirt to be washed and spin-dried again. If this is the case, then why did he not do this the first time around? Why not wear a different shirt? Is he going to a fancy dress party as an upper class Smurf and absolutely requires to wear blue? Whatever his reason for needing that shirt, he seems to be happy with the results.

Judging from the picture above, I'm guessing, he got an identical shirt. Because, if you look closely at the pile of washing, you can see blue fabric, above the towels. And still they don't seem to notice that the woman is still in their household. She's not going without a fight or something. Maybe dinner. Ironic really. The only thing that really shouldn't be there is still there. Her. The stain went ages ago when she dipped it in the aquarium.

Trust Pink. Forget Stains. And always lock your back door. Especially if you have dirty washing.

Best Websites Ever!

I thought, this blog could do with a list of all the websites that I think are genius. We all know that the internet is a big place. There is litterally anything to do with anything on the internet. It's one of them inventions that changed the face of modern technology. It just keeps getting more massive as the days go on. So, I've gone through a selection of some of the best websites I've come across on my adventures. Some of them maybe obvious but obviously, I'll give you a reason why they appear here on this list.



http://www.google.co.uk/ - A nice easy one here. Google is the internet to a lot of people. In a basic summary, if anyone is unsure of anything, then Google it! They 99% of the time will have the answer. It may not be the right answer but an answer none-the-less! In fact, Pac-Man made a guest appearence on the main page. As with Google's tradition, they like to put up Google Doodles to show an anniversay of something that means something to the people. In my case tonight, it was the 30th anniversary of Pac-Man.



http://www.cracked.com/ - I discovered Cracked around about Summer last year after I was searching for a list of "Silly band names." One of the links I found was to Cracked.com (an American magazine and main rivals to Mad Magazine) and so I naturally followed the link and ended up on the site. And oh my god! I was hooked. I didn't know someone could laugh so much at written work. I just didn't see it possible! Cracked mainly focus on list based humour - where I get the inspiration from for this blog actually - and a different angle on society and life. And it's not all. They have regular videos, pictures and photoshop competitions too, that are presented in a similar way. It's just unbelievably hilarious although it is an equired taste, but still...the majority of the people who I've showed it to are now also fans. Oh and please note, I'm not knicking Cracked's format, I'm just presenting it in a style that'll be more relatable to a British audience.

http://www.uncyclopedia.wikia.com/ - Everybody knows Wikipedia. Whether it's to find out the information from a Tv show, information on a person (dead or alive) or just to copy and paste something into your essay, wikipedia has it all. All very good (we'll think about the latter). The Uncyclopedia is owned by the same company but is totally a whole different barrel of salmon! Uncyclopedia is exactly the opposite of Wiki.' It rips everything to shreds with its satirical look on everything. And the best thing is, you can edit it. Like Wiki, it is monitered and they do issue you with advice to be funny and not just stupid, which just goes to show, something as funny as this can be quite professional.

http://www.netdisaster.com/ - I really would have liked to put it on this list because NetDisaster is the business! But since they got cautioned for looking like a phishing site, they were ordered to shut up shot. Back in the days, NetDisaster gave you the control to destroy any website of your choice. Just type in the web address, pick the torture (Spray can, chainsaw, vomit, etc) and watch as it get's trashed. I actually miss it, but they do give you the chance to do it to your own desktop now. All is not lost in the world of NetDisaster!

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/ - IWOOT made an appearence in my gadget blog last year and even though its an online shop, it's a brilliant online shop. IWOOT specialises in awesome (and they say this themselves) stuff that you really want, but don't necessarily need. The staff on there know how to write about the stuff they test. It's full of humour no matter which gadget it is. They give it a sparkle, even if you think it's not very good, they seem to. The thing is, everything is good on that site. So good, that almost everything needs to be bought. And it's probably this reason why I Want One of Those is on here and Amazon isn't.

http://www.snopes.com/ - Snopes is a website that specialises in Urban legends and folklore from around the planet. If there's a rumour that seems too unrealistic to be true, Snope go and find out if it's true or not. And to be honest, it's all actually very surprising how much of it turns out to be true. And it's got all the classics like lore relating to Coca-cola, Elvis and James Dean's Porsche Spyder that went on a murderous rampage, long after Dean's tragic death. Some of the things that appear on there really do make you think twice before venturing out your own door but the majority of times what you think may be real, is actually a load of nonesense. A bit like QI. But if it's true, then it's true, but that can be a good thing.


http://www.uk.askmen.com/ - Online magazines are the best. Ask Men is full of some very useful information. Info from how to excersise efficiently to cars to celebrities, all with the blokey attitude. There's is actually quite a lot packed onto this website but it looks smart and it is smart. Not all of the information is reliable but as something to read and to expand 0n, this does the job very well. And then you've got the little bit's like viewers surveys, jokes, pictures and all stuff like that. It makes it very compulsive.

http://www.moviemistakes.com/ - You get some nerds who purposely watch a film and look for mistakes. So rather than having one as a friend, have this handy site to find the bits you missed that you weren't supposed to see. It's amazing what some films get away with. It's probably a matter of "oh, we'll leave it in anyway" in the editing room. They don't just do the mistakes either. There's lists of trivia, quotes and corrections that the nerds get wrong. A little like IMDB but more in touch with the people.

http://www.imcdb.org/ and http://www.igcd.net/ - are very similar websites. Following from the Internet Movie Database way of things, the Internet Movie Car Database and the Internet Game Car Database are for car fans respectively. I know not everyone is a fan of cars but these are actually very good, especially to see what's what in films or games. The IMCDB shows any car that has appeared in any film or TV show. The same with the IGCD but with video games (it's very good for looking at what cars the fictional vehicles in Grand Theft Auto should look like). They both show you what your not looking for, probably, when comes to either of them but they're still good to look over.