2010: An easy roundup

So, there goes another year. And indeed another decade! 2010 set out to be a such a promising and calm year with everyone. After all, 2009 had been hectic on some peoples watches. WRONG! 2010 could have given '09 a run for its money, with its natural disasters alone! So here is a rundown of some of the most memorable aspects of the year just gone including natural disasters, politics and football (or at least making fun of football) as well as some that are notable to myself...
Oh and some of these events that happen on here aren't necessarily in the correct order. Or even the correct month (they tended to get more recognition in the months they are/should be presented in). Because, to be frank, most of it is going what my memory can remember. With a bit of help from Wikipedia for some clarification. Okay then, the year got off to a good start on a Friday...


JANUARY

We start with January, strangely enough. January is known for residing in winter and this year it was no different. Well, just a bit because this is because Britain got bombarded by copious amounts of snow. It stopped the country. Everyone was advised to go out only if it was completely necessary. Which in some cases, it was. For things like shopping, work and for the fun of it! It was nothing like last February's snow though. This was powdery stuff that didn't compact very well, so it made awful snowballs and even worse snowmen. But it still froze and made travelling very bad indeed. Britain was running out of grit to put on it's roads and was importing it from overseas. It couldn't get here quickly enough, which is rather odd. How could we get through all this supply of grit and salt in a few days? However we did it, it stopped the country from functioning and moving. So we just went out and played in the snow whilst we could. Because that's what we should do when it snows. We don't get it very often and when we do, it's fantastic. People get days off work and school and they're happy. Which in January, when everyone goes back to work and school after Christmas when they don't want to, is perfect!

Cadbury Chocolate was sold to American company Kraft. A lot of people didn't like this, claiming now that the Americans have got hold of it, they'd change the flavour and other bad stuff. They said that because Kraft make aerosole-can cheese, they wouldn't do Cadbury justice. Now, Kraft own a lot of companies. Some of which include Nabisco, who are responsible for Oreo's which are delicious; Ritz biscuits, which are also delicious; and Toblerone, which is also delicious. Good brands and they've hardly changed.

In the world of gaming, Ubisoft released Just Dance for the Nintendo Wii last year but this household aquired this year. The game is incredibly fun even though it may not be the most technically advanced game with fantastical graphics or any mumbo-jumbo that's made the Xbox 360 or PS3 so popular. It's just a fun simple, arcady game that works on so many levels for so many people.

Other points of interest in January: James Cameron of Titanic fame released global sensation, Avatar. I know it wasn't released this year but I went to see it in February and I just wanted to place it on the list. I thought this was as good a chance of any. Titanic was the biggest grossing film ever until Avatar came along which blew the socks off of record breaking. January was the month Avatar was awarded the fastest grossing films in history after just 41 days; Burj Dubai, or Burj Khalifa to give it its formal name, was officially opened as the worlds tallest building showing that if you have a lot of money, you can make a sky scraper in the Arabian desert. Why? Because they can; China is named the biggest car consumer in the world. That's where all these emission are coming from! China! So forget anything you know about being green and "eco" and put your telly back on standby. You're fine; and the Apple iPad was unveiled to go along with the other iProducts.


FEBRUARY

Quite frankly, we had had enough of the snow in January. So February went one better by bringing snow to us via TV. I am of course talking about the Winter Olympic Games held in Vancouver, Canada. It started off quite slowly but after watching some of the games, it
started to grow on me. By the end of it I knew all sorts of terminology like Wu-tang - which is a snow ramp with the other side cut off - and Skeleton - which is a type of tea tray. Just don't go into a career of human anatomy with that fact. It was good, these games. I got some joy out of it and Great Britain came away with a gold medal thanks to Amy Williams hurtling down a frozen channel down a hill faster than everyone else in the world head first, which is no small feet, seeing as I would see this as genuinely terrifying. And for that Amy Williams deserves the praise. And it just goes to show, all that snow last month wasn't being wasted.

It wasn't all good news in February, which as we know, is famed for it's lovey-dovey day of love St Valentine's Day. This was a bad month for two people - Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole and her not so very intelligent husband, Ashley. He's a footballer so that statement is true even before I get down to the dirty...unlike Ashley. He cheated on one of the best out of all of Girls Aloud, and that's a difficult choice anyway! Now why did he do that? Who would you rather have as a lifetime companion? To have and to hold, and so on? Cheryl Cole, or a pizza face? Your move Ash...

But this was only the start of the football related breakups in 2010. John Terry, Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney all were in the same boat - leaving their wife/girlfriend for someone else (or words to that effect). Footballers are idiots. More money than sense, it quite clearly seems. Cut their salary. Now! They don't need the supercars, massive houses with swimming pools or designer clothes. They're not worth their wives or girlfriends in most cases. I'm mean, sticking with the "Pizza the Hut" analogy, look at Wayne Rooney. And then look to his wife, Coleen. At what point did she think, "Hmmm, that's a man a who I want my offspring to look like. He's definitely the one." She obviously isn't with him for his charm, wit, sophistication and dashing good-lucks. If that's the case, then you really do start to think who has the dwindling IQ. Both of them could be distracted with a bit of shiny foil. Which is why out of all the sporty-relationship people, Formula 1 drivers have got it down to tee. Ergo, Jenson Button is a very lucky man. Not only him, but the majority of the drivers are...go Google search 'F1 Wags' and see what I mean!
What really got my goat with this year is that Cheryl Cole is as lovely as any other Girls Aloud member but I did think it was a bit milked this year with her. Yes, she got divorced and yes she got malaria but to be told every waking hour; it does drive me a bit up the wall. She has been made out to be Saint Cheryl but she hasn't really done much this year. And that's even before the X Factor...and it's rigging.

Other points of interest in February: Toyota are sorry for their accelerators jamming making the car keep moving until it crashes; The Grammy and The Brit Awards were held (when really the award you want, is an NME award); Alice and Wonderland, remade by crazy Tim Burton and staring Johnny Depp, was released in UK cinemas; and as such, there was a dispute with it between Odeon and Disney. Still, arguments aside they made friends and everyone was happy; EMI put the iconic 'home from home of the Beatles' Abbey Road studios up for sale; China celebrates year of the Tiger whilst Tiger Woods says sorry for being a goon. Everyone is saying sorry a lot this month...Sorry!

MARCH


The planet was plunged into darkness. No, the sun hadn't exploded, although that would look good on here if it did. It was in fact, Earth Hour. March held Earth Hour where 4,000 cities around world turn off or dimmed their lights for 60 minutes for one day in the spring. I can't remember me switching off the lights. Probably because Lincoln never got told because it is so small, it wouldn't have really made that much of a difference. Set up by the WWF (The World Wide Fund, not the wrestling people), the aim was to get people to switch off power between 8:30 and 9:30pm to raise awareness for climate change. People may have switched off but I'm guessing other sides of the planet were still chucking out carbon dioxide with their petrol drinking cars and doom factories. In places like China. All while those in the dark were getting bruised shins from coffee tables, and were playing Scrabble via candlelight. Just like the old days!

ITV released to the press that they were going to stop making The Bill. The Bill ran for 26 years. 18 of them, I never watched it but many other people did. The main reason is that modern day police dramas aren't that good, especially when located in Britain, is they're not satisfying. Ashes to Ashes and Life on Mars were brilliant though, although, they had more of a sci-fi feel to them. The Bill didn't. Britain just doesn't do crime as well as somewhere like America, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know. American police and crime dramas are very gritty. Shows like the CSI series. America does it better. Maybe because they've got more money. For example: American cop chases use cars that are massive on power and size. They use Dodge Chargers as police cars which must be very intimidating in the rear view mirror. We use diesel Skodas and Vauxhall Astras the majority of the time. The most power British police forces get are Subaru Impreza's and Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X's but only if they've got bigger budget. And yet none of which appear in the high octane chase in a police drama. Make it like Starsky and Hutch! Boxes flying everywhere, driving down alleys, smashing things up and a 1970's crazy dress sense. That's how to do it!

Other points of interest in March: CERN's £6 billion, 17 mile long, Large Hadron Collider, set a record with a high-energy particle collision at 7 trillion electron volts. The LHC is responsible for creating a big scare back in September 2008 when they were going to switch it on without really knowing what was going to happen. Since it's 2010, I'm guessing things went well that day, but 7 trillion electron volts? Is that more or less than the De Lorean time machine from Back to the Future? It's far too sciency for me; David Beckham tore his Achilles tendon which meant he wouldn't play in the World Cup. My. Heart. Bled; Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic space rocket/aeroplane thing aptly named SpaceShipTwo had its maiden voyage meaning space travel, for you, is approaching fast!; And Michael Schumacher announces his return to Formula One meaning the track hosts such highly, skilled sportsmen such as Jenson Button, Lewis Hamilton, Fernando Alonso and now Schumacher!

*To be quite honest, I had to go through March with a fine comb. Even I was struggling to find news. I mean, the Bill...C'mon! Many thanks to Wiki for some "contributions."



APRIL

A Polish Airliner, carrying 96 souls, including the President of Poland, crashed in Russia. If only that plane was due to take off a week later, then them people would all still be alive today. This was because Icelandic stratovolcano - Eyjafjallajökull (yes, I cannot pronounce it either) - erupted.

This projected a lot of ash into the air which in turn grounded flights all around Europe. The ash was so fine, that it gummed up the fan blades in a jets engine; the engines would then fail and not work. Unlike a boat, when its engine fails, it's still a boat. But a plane suddenly turns into a big tube full of people in the middle of air with nothing to keep it hanging there. So, flights were stopped. This meant no one could fly out of the country and no one could fly back. It must have been a shame, that. Being stuck in a hot place like Florida or Spain to not be able to go back and stop getting a suntan. Ferries were packed to the gills with people trying to get back. That's said, you did get the satisfaction of looking up at the sky and seeing no vapour trails.

Gordon Brown called a general election in this month too. He decided he had had enough of being made fun of by Jeremy Clarkson and the guys on Mock the Week.

The Deepwater Horizon oilrig blew up. No joke, here it is.

This ended up spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico for a considerable amount of months, and it wasn't long until it ended up washing up on the shores. Greenpeace went mental. The oil was threatening ecosystems and there was nothing that could be done about it. It's oil. When it's gushing out of a pipe it goes where it wants. In a way, the oil was just replenishing itself by making more oil. Oil is a fossil fuel made from fossils of animals...if you do the maths, this means more oil. Ultimately, Britain gets the blame for this event because it's a BP (British Petroleum) Oilrig. What the Americans forgot to announce was that the rig was built, maintained and manned by themselves aka the Americans. And they had the cheek to give us stick! I was shocked and mortified. Even more-so than Greenpeace!

Other points of interest in April: It was quite spritely and fresh month; London staged the Marathon; Gordon Brown called a woman "a bigot"; A new series of Doctor Who, with new boy and new girl, Matt Smith and Karen Gillen, taking roles of The Doctor and Amy Pond (respectively, no doubt), rocketed onto our BBC screens; Sony and Microsoft got annoyed at how popular the Wii was and decided to release to the press, the PlayStation's Move and Xbox 360's Kinect respectively at this years Electronic Entertainment Expo (commonly E3). Things are heating up!; and I realised that ASDA staff get even the simplest things wrong.



MAY

Oh my gawd. Seems only yesterday I wasn't watching Big Brother, along with the rest of the country. The final series had started. I got such immense pleasure writing in a previous post that Big Brother was going to be cancelled. So I'm going to write it again. Big Brother got cancelled. Some wierdos went in, most, if not all, of them unacceptable in human society. Many came out. Unfortunately, all of them came out of the house. If they stayed in that would mean it would be some sort of prison. Sadly, Big Brother started off very well in the early years. Then it just became car-crash television. It was that bad it wasn't even given a Euro NCAP rating which means in some retrospect "if you drive this you will suffer in one way or another." Someone won and the rest didn't. They're all winners to me though. Winners of the saddest people award. Then more people went in for Ultimate Big Brother. Some of the world best known nobodies which included...er...yeah. Where do they get them from? Is there like a warehouse full of the people nobody wants but TV does? But, that's not the full Big Brother story. Y'see Channel 5 are thinking of buying the rights to it which could mean it would get moved to Channel 5. Happily, it could follow the same route as Robot Wars, which tragically was bought by Channel 5 and moved; showed one series; and was then cancelled. So it looks like it's goodbye to the late night Channel 4 showings of people sleeping. Goodbye to the lousy people and goodbye Big Brother!

End of Lost happened this month too, with Sky One showing it live from the US. It had been 6 long years of a meandering story and many cliffhangers but I watched it all. I was hooked to it. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Ben, Desmond, Locke, Sun, Jin, Hurley, Jacob, Sayid, Claire, Charlie and others (and The Others, coincidentally) were trapped on a mysterious Island that each of them and us audience had their and our own theories of its existence. It took forever to find out the ending but it was worth it. I could have easily gave up watching and thought nothing more of it. But I followed it from start to end. It was clever, witty, gritty and most of all mysterious and thrilling. I thought I was going to miss it, but to be honest, I'm glad it's over. I'm pretty sure if there were robot writers and actors, it seriously could have gone on forever!

May also gave us an election...

David Cameron of the Conservative Party soon became Prime Minister on the 11th when Gordon Brown resigned. That meant Cameron was given the keys to 10 Downing Street after a nail-bitingly close election. He also partnered up with Nick Clegg of the Other Party to create a coalition government. Many people didn't like this, including the Queen because she wanted to watch EastEnders but David had to pay her a visit so he could be appointed as the Prime Minister. So what of Gordon Brown? Tony Blair had at least managed to stay in the public eye (for the wrong reasons) but Brown had disappeared without a trace like an X Factor winner. Did he run away? Could he not face the music? Did he merely shrivel up? Where ever he his, I, for one, will still be thinking of him...and his funny, sad face.

Other points of interest in May: Jason Manford, the famous comedian, announced he was going to front the One Show on the BBC. He replaced Adrian Chiles - who is excruciatingly boring - who rightfully deserves to host ITV's morning show, Daybreak. Mainly because I don't watch ITV in the mornings. I'm solely a BBC Breakfast person. Jason did host the show with Alex Jones who could be Christine Bleakley (who followed Chiles to ITV) with a welsh accent; like March, not a lot else happened.



JUNE


Probably, the most notable thing of June and if you're a football nut (or, what I will now call being footy nutty) in the summer, was the FIFA World Cup. We're not stretching to 'event of the year' because if you think it was, then sorry; you're just a bit dull. Held in South Africa, it was the staging of the worlds biggest Vuvuzela concerts.

Now, I don't particularly like football (and Vuvuzela's for that matter) but like the Winter Olympic Games, when it's on, it's hard not to avoid it, especially in a country where football thrives. It was another chance for footballers to get their faces on TV and not the front pages for copping off with anything with a pulse. Long story short, Spain beat Holland in the final. This was quite fine, Spain deserved their triumph. England, however, did not. They were playing in Group C and their first match was against the USA. A country known for its football against a country not really known for its "soccer." England scored, well done. Have a peanut. But then America scored and the game was a draw. USA must have felt dead impressed with themselves by holding off a team full of world renowned players. Game two to feature England was against Algeria. I vaguely know where Algeria is yet the better team didn't score. Algeria gave England a run for their money. Final England game of the group was against Slovenia. Nope, don't know where that is either, and yet they lost! They did manage to get out of the Groups behind America but who wants to be behind America when we can take the lead? It meant that England were then faced up against Germany. No surprise, they lost that too. 4 - 1 to be precise. They were expected to go all the way, England, but they only scored a measly 3 goals out of 4 games. They came back to booing fans, no doubt. This is what happens when you pay 11 people a gazillion pounds for 90 minutes work.

BBC announced that it was the last of the Last of the Summer Wine ('bout bloody time!).

The Beeb hasn't stated why, so maybe I can give you a reason why it got shelved. No body watched it. The BBC have a very weird way of dealing with programmes. For instance, they chose to cancel Lee Mack's brilliant sitcom, Not Going Out, which is laugh out loud, crying in hysterics funny, but still kept the slow and laborious LotSW. Summer Wine is about 37million years old. It's so old that not only has it gained the world record for the longest running sitcom on the planet, it is also held responsible for single handedly wiping out the dinosaurs. They simply got bored to death and couldn't carry on. Thankfully I have never watched Last of the Summer Wine and as such, haven't met the same fate.

Other points of interest in June: Mars was discovered to once having an ocean; the long awaited sequel Toy Story 3 blasted its Pixar socks onto the cinema screens; someone breaks into the England Football Team changing rooms, hopefully to tell them to stop being a bunch of pansies; and finally a mention from Wimbledon 2010. Tennis isn't really that interesting at the best of times, just watching a yellow fuzzy ball bounce from player to player. But this years match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut was one to go down in history. It was the worlds longest game and it lasted 183 games spanning over 11 hours (not counting breaks). 11 hours! That's tennis elbow, tennis knee, tennis wrist, tennis ankle, tennis shoulder...if such illnesses exist. Which they now do after this game!



JULY

As if global disasters weren't enough this year, Pakistan got hit by torrential rain resulting in a very big flood. This disaster was so big, it was compared to Hurricane Katrina. Pakistan got very wet indeed and required help and aid from all over the world, most notably from Britain. Correct me if I'm wrong but we suffered torrential rain in 2007 and I don't recall Pakistan, or any other country, offering us help. We also had an earthquake too that year and no one helped us then either. The world has gone mad. They want help from us but they don't want to help us. It's a two way street world. Two way! To make matters worse, Pakistan didn't even have access to the BBC Weather website, so they couldn't check the weather an hour before it struck. And being Pakistan, there's no boats. So they were asking for money and boats! Who do we know that has money and a boat? One of the Dragons from Dragons Den (Actually, James Caan went over there but not to give them one of his yachts. They didn't like that).

Mayor of London, bumbling Boris Johnson, set up a scheme with Barclays Bank to have bikes positioned around London to cut down traffic. This is a very good idea. I went to London and the amount of people who now cycle around looks like sheer lunacy. I'd say the more loony part of the story was that it's an idea by Boris Johnson that has taken off (even though it was a Ken Livingstone idea). A lot of people have taken to it though. It's slightly cheaper than the bus or tube or taxi; you get the exercise; and you don't have to pay congestion charge. Whats more, you're not making Global Warming, so you're being friendly to the planet also! Another upside is that other modes of transport, like the London Underground, won't be full of boring people reading the Metro. They'll all be on the surface riding their Boris Bikes. The only thing is, if your in cycling distance to wherever you want to be, chances are you live in London. In which case you can afford to go on the Tube every day. And riding a bike can become very monotonous after a very short time; you'll get knackered and probably be ran over by a tour bus. Go on the Tube. It's more fun! But don't because it'll get full.

Other points of interests in July: The oil leak was stopped with a massive concrete cork; Singer George Michael crashed into Snappy Snaps with his Land Rover to which someone wrote "WHAM!" on the broken wall. Some funny man has a good sense of humour; Cheryl Cole got more bad news when she got malaria after visiting Tanzania, although I think it was all them bad singers she hangs around with; Paul the Octopus officially retired from guessing the football results. Paul became world famous after he correctly predicted the scores from the World Cup matches in Germany. Well done that 8-legged sea creature!; Robbie Williams is starting to run out of money, so he rejoins Take That, which even I think is bad move; and a replica of Bloodhound - the 1,000mph record-breaking car - was revealed to show the world press what British engineering really looks like. When I say British engineering, I do in fact mean bolting a couple of wheels to a Typhoon Eurofigher engine. Still, it's British. We don't do things by halves when it comes to the bestest/fastest/coolest.


AUGUST

August was a simple month. It was kicked off with the wedding of Lisa Simpson to Hugh Parkfield.

It didn't last long.

There was also the start of the X Factor, which stirred up much controversy when there were fears over "singer" Shirlena Johnson. She was pulled out of the competition over a dispute about her mental illness. If that's the case, the why didn't they pull out all of the competitors. You've got to be mad to enter something like the X Factor and think that you'll get the recognition you think you deserve. Even the first show of the series caused yet more debate when it was blasted for using Auto-tune. Auto-tune does exactly that. It automatically tunes a persons voice. But the singing was so bad, Auto-tune lost faith and committed suicide whilst the acts were supposedly singing. Louis Walsh also claimed that if John and Edward Grimes of Jedward had used Auto-tune, then they would have won. Yes, Louis. You string along that brilliant anecdote. I'm starting to wish they did win. Mainly because we never really hear from the winner ever again. Joe McElderry anyone? Leon Jackson? Nope? (Matt Cardle will join this list, I'm sure in the not to distant future).

I rest my case.

A copper/gold mine collapsed in Chile, trapping 33 miners 702 metres underground in an elaborate attempt to dig to China. They were left with only a small place to live and call home. For the next 4 months! Because at the time, it was claimed they wouldn't be rescued until Christmas. 4 months of doing nothing, surrounded by 32 other miners in exactly the same situation. I spy would get a bit tedious after a while.
"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...R."
"Is it rock?"
"Yes! How did you know?"
"Because it was rock the last time"
"Okay, my turn. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...R"
"Rihanna...?"
Don't get me wrong, but aren't miners good at digging? Can't they dig their way out?

Mary Bale was an unknown Coventry banker in July. But come August, she became a public hate figure. Not in her own street, own town or even Coventry for that matter, but around the globe. The entire planet! What did she do to get all this grief? Shall we cue video? Yes we shall!



What was captured on the CCTV camera was her putting a cat in a bin. And the world hated her for it. They sent her death threats for what she had done. There was speculation from the bank where she works claiming she'll lose her job. Which would have then resulted into her not getting another job and so losing money. She's going to end up on the street with no home and being torn to pieces with words of spite from passersby, all because she put a cat in a bin. Imagine what the response would have been if she put an endangered species like a polar bear in a bin. Although that would take some skill. And probably would have won £250 from You've Been Framed.

Other points of interest from August: People got A-level results, got told that they may not go to University, but did; People got GCSE results; Pakistan are still searching for the plug (ask if anyone on the Gulf of Mexico can help); Swine Flu officially ended. It just stopped. Probably as a result of watching Last of the Summer Wine; and Ferrari's new 458 Italia keeps catching fire, which is quite sad as it is one of the best looking cars from the thoroughbreds in a long time. Ferraris are known for their exotic flare and power but sometimes they don't need to be filled with napalm. They're just as good with the V8 filled with petroleum distillate.



SEPTEMBER


Summer was over. Well, what we had of it. And September will always be remembered by people like myself, as the month where one person gave his life away by writing a book. Ben Collins is The Stig; Top Gear's famous and mysterious test driver. Collins wanted to publish a tell-all book revealing the The Stig's true identity, but a BBC contract stated that he should keep schtum, which is what he should have done. He didn't want to and so he took the BBC to court to get it settled once and for all. Just think for a moment. The Stig got to do all sorts on Top Gear. Not just driving fast and exotic cars but rubbing shoulders with all manor of celebrities, travelling the country and the world, and yet Ben Collins wanted to give all that up. That said, I don't think The Stig will be entirely deaded just yet.

In September, his Holyness, The Pope Benedict XVI paid a visit to the UK to promote his upcoming album: Fo Shizzle with The Pope Benedizzle.

He visited Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Birmingham - but not Manchester. He wasn't taking the risk. There is not enough bullet proofing  in the world to go on his Popemobile. It only takes one wrong turning into a different district and what may be a way of showing off your status in perspex box on a Mercedes-Benz M Class could end up looking like swiss cheese. Anyway, back to the gigs. For these he sang many of his greatest hits, all of which appear on the album. They include Livin' On a Prayer; Like a Virgin and God is a DJ, innit. Word! He was supposed to do a duet with Susan Boyle but there are unwritten rules that state The Pope is not allowed to sing with another man in a dress. Slightly contradictory, I know. He liked his trip very much, or so I have been told. He was also given a gift by the Queen, who met him at Hollyrood House in Scotland. He was very pleased with his new 'Teapots of the 19th Century' book (from all good book stockists/Library). The Pope gave the Queen a can of Spray on Clothes. Which leads me nicely onto the next subject...

Believe it or not, it's all true, apart from the fact the Pope gave it to the Queen as a gift. Clothes that could be sprayed on. You couldn't write that stuff, not even if you tried. Watch the clip to see for yourself...



You really start to wonder when scientists start getting that bored that they have to redesign how we wear our clothes. What was wrong with finding new species? Or looking for other planets? Nevertheless, I'm still undecided whether or not this is a good idea. The 'spray on bandage' is certainly a very good idea, but clothes in a can? How would you aim for your back without missing and getting all over the mirror? It comes in a varied amount of styles, depending on how controlled you are with a spray can - ideal then, for any budding young graffiti artist who wants to wear their tags. But hang on! Where have I seen this before?

Ah, someones going to have to break it to them. Baggsie not me!

Other points of interest from September: More damned football was shown; American pastor Terry Jones was blasted by a lot of unhappy people for his plans on burning the Koran on the eve of 9/11. Yet when he stated he wanted to do the same thing with the Twilight Saga, no one batted an eyelid; four members of Pakistans cricket team were caught rigging bets. This upset the 19 people who actually watch cricket; The Sun changed the format of their television listing magazine, TV Mag, and replaced it with the brand new Buzz. In it featured a quiz section and in this was a pictogram - 3 pictures to make a phrase or name. Picture one was of the actor Steve McFadden from Eastenders (who plays Phil Mitchell). The second picture was of a fowl, maybe a chicken or turkey or something. And the last picture was of something being cooked in an Asian frying pan. Obviously, the answer was Stephen Fry (Steve-hen fry) and not Phil Cockwok as originally I thought; I also got on Paul Merton's nerves and finally, JLS released branded condoms. Which goes to show, if you buy anything with their faces on, you deserve never to have kids. Ever.


OCTOBER


Well, the time has now come where it gets colder, leaves are falling off the trees and it's getting dark before 7. In October, we got to a satisfying start to the month with the Ryder Cup of Golfing started. I think it started anyway. It did rain a fair bit. Thing is, this Cup was filling with water quicker than they could empty it, for it was held in Newport. And for all of you who aren't good at Geography and don't know where Newport is; it's in Wales where it rains a lot as Welsh funnyman Rhod Gilbert tells us [back when the 2007 flood hit]: "It rained for forty days and forty nights and that was still the best summer we've ever had - There was a hosepipe ban that year!" Of all the places in Europe the Ryder Cup could have been held, they chose Wales. Not Spain, or Italy, both of which as sunny and warm as each other but Wales. And to prove that I don't know anything about golf, I didn't realise that it was supposed to be played over 3 days and not 4. They don't play buy the rules in this game (metaphorically). Rain did stop play and the Green and the Fairway got wet and that's all I know about it. And I only know the words "Green" and "Fairway" from Wii Sports. However, this wasn't the only the sporting competition being held in October either...

Delhi hosted the Commonwealth Games which is a bit like the Olympics, just without America or Japan intervening and winning every-god-damned thing. But, if you remember, it nearly didn't happen! It came to 2 weeks before the games should start and India thought "We're supposed to holding the Commonwealth Games this month aren't we?...Maybe we should get started on building our stadium or something." It wasn't their only problem before the games too. A bridge collapsed; the athletes village had been cleaned with a headless mop; snakes were on the prowl for competitors; the diving board measurements where wrong; and not all the official timers were set up, which meant all records broken would not have counted at all. The builders were even stealing sand from the long jump pit to finish off the track. But Delhi pulled their finger out of their ears and started the games with an opening ceremony. All peachy until...

Wait...no. That's not a bomb. It may well look like one but it is in fact, a thing called an aerostat. Which is the posh lingo for 'big balloon.' That's just what it was - an $8 million helium filled balloon. Anyway, England came away from India with 38 gold medals and a total of 147 medals overall. Which isn't bad at all.

The Chilean version of Big Brother had finished...No, that is false information. I am sorry. The Chilean Miners were finally released from underground. Davina McCall wasn't there to welcome them out, which is a massive disappointment. However, this would have meant that every one of them miners would have wanted to go back down the hole they came from because it would have been better than having an interview. Look back when I first reported this in the article. It was claimed they'd be out by Christmas. They were out two months earlier because Christmas would get in the way of the rescue. Or the rescue would get in the way of Christmas. One of the two. They all came out looking healthy and cool. Even more so because they were all wearing designer sunglasses worth £250 each! Apparently it was to stop the miners dissolving in the sunlight, being underground for many days but why not just pick up a cheapo pair from Poundland? That would be a saving of £8,217. The miners went into recuperation...in a darkened room. This will slowly adjust them to the light or so we got told. Fighting fire with fire. Nice one! It must be a great feeling getting taken out of a dark place to get put into more dark. Andandand, don't get me wrong, but I think if they had said that they had struck oil down there, they would have been out in a matter of hours. Just saying...But hey, think of the overtime!

Wayne Rooney. Two words that are both as ridiculous as each other in any order. He had a massive dilemma on his paws this month - does he stay at Manchester United or does he move to a different Football club? After cheating on his wife, being dropped by numerous sponsors and generally being a good contender for 'Ogre of the Century,' - a coveted award that Shrek would also like to win - things weren't looking too good for him. Alex Ferguson, manager of Manchester United, was going to kick Rooney out of the club. Probably for being awful. With Rooney threatening to move to Manchester City and Real Madrid (and death threats from so called "supporters"), Ferguson finally decided to give him another contract - worth £250,000 a week making Potatoface the highest paid potato to do sod all. He didn't score in the World Cup. In fact, the only time he has scored this year was when...you can finish this sentence if you want. When will people learn? Football is dull. Footballers are dull. They don't care about the sport, not when they've got the sports cars, the trophy wife, the big house, etc. Wayne Rooney is an idiot. Honestly, he is as much use to England, Great Britain and indeed the entirety of The United Kingdom as the left hand side of the Countdown Clock.

Other points of interest from October: Toxic sludge entered the river Danube in Hungary. This meant the composition The Blue Danube by Johann Strauss had to be changed to The Red Danube; The new leader of the Labour party, one of the Milibands, has just as funny face as Gordon Brown; at 10 seconds 10 past 10 o'clock in the morning on the tenth, worlds clocks read 10:10:10 10/10/2010; the world's longest tunnel was unveiled (yes, all together now: "Booooring!"); Katy Perry got married to Russel Brand (lucky man); Paul the octopus (who had a higher input to the World Cup in one of his tentacles than the whole England team put together) sadly died. Don't tell the Koreans; I bought a nifty little Korg MicroKORG; Take That broke the internet. Well. Done!; and it was revealed that Glastonbury won't happen in 2012 because all the portable toilets will be in London for the Olympic Games. The term "portable toilets" is not intended to be an insult. It actually means 'portable toilets.'


NOVEMBER

The nights are really drawing in now but November really went off with a bang! Especially in Salford where a house spontaneously combusted. There was debris everywhere! But nobody noticed as there was already debris in their front gardens. Mostly in guise of old washing machines, fridges and sofas. The Chavs down this humble little avenue (of about 6 houses), which I shall call Chav Avenue, or 'Chavenue' for short, were ready to cash in with the benefits they could claim."Eet goze lyk diss yeah. I'm gettin, disrespeck'd, yah, coz ma 'ouse went and committed sewerside. I lost all ma special brew and fags and ma 10 DVD playaz that were tote'ly not stolen. And I feel lyk disrespected, d'ya get me? And now I ain't gotta job, do ya know wot a mean?" or "This is a shock. It somehow means I cannot work..." or words to that effect. They didn't work in the first place! It took me over a month to claim Job Seekers allowance when my bank account was into double figures for the first time in ever, yet they'll get seen to in a matter of days. They should work for their money. They could start with by repairing their own houses. It'd get the entirety of Chavenue to pitch in and work together; they all get something out of it; and builders don't have the fear that they'll get swindled and robbed.

November had one of the best day for television, as I recall. On a Wednesday, one could literally watch from quarter to 4 all the way to 10 past 11. We started with Countdown - where I watch to try and make naughty words but all I can manage is 'cat' or 'is.' And no matter what people say, Rachel Riley is better than Carol Vorderman in every way - pretty, intelligent, funny and much younger; next is Deal or No Deal where it is fun to watch people deal at £2,000 and realise they could have gone home with £100,000 more or get greedy and play 'til the end and only win £50. I also like how they believe there's a certain way to win when we all know it's chance. They just don't seem to know that; following that we have Come Dine With Me which is brilliant for one reason - Dave Lamb's sarcasm and wit. His endless put downs are the star attraction of the show, not the cooking or the people bitching about each other. Dave is a narrative genius; after that we have Celebrity Coach Trip, or Coach Trip feat. The Chuckle Brothers who are the only people I know and subsequently won; The Simpsons would then be on before we switch over to ITN because no one in this household cares about Hollyoaks. We'd rather hear about the Queen's Facebook page, thankyaverymuch; then onto the BBC we go to see the One Show (or as I call it, a toilet break); and after The One Show we get woken up and get some inspiration from Wallace & Gromit's World of Inventions; Jimmy Doherty's Food Factory - a cross between River Cottage and Brainiac - is then on after that; Nigel Slater's Simple Suppers is then next, because we all like good hearty, feel-good cookery show; The Apprentice follows afterwards, which I found myself watchin religiously; and then finally back to C4 to catch Rude Tube with the mad-as-ever Alex Zane for some internet video fun. Look at that list...go on. Apart from the news, which is more of a necessity than compulsive viewing, none of them programmes are on ITV. Mainly because they're rubbish 24/7. With the exception of anything with Harry Hill in. You can't go wrong with TV Burp or You've Been Framed to be honest.

BBC Children in Need was shown on the television. It featured performances from JLS, Susan Boyle and Cheryl Cole...all of which are ITV's responsibilities. All of which, coincidentally, are bad ITV responsibilities. This didn't seem help with the total. Now, there's nothing wrong with doing something for charity, but there is something wrong with a Telethon. There was probably a reason why, compared to last year, they raised more money than this year. Probably because it was better last year. Previously, a Children in Need themed programme would be shown when the news in on, like QI, but this year it was Mastermind and so was dreadful. Peter Andre. McFly performing and dancing. Loose Women performing a Girls Aloud song badly. Westlife. Who are they fooling? Can't Children in Need do some sort of deal and swap it with Comic Relief i.e. Have Red Nose Day annually and Children in Need every two years. The only good thing was the cross over of EastEnders and Coronation Street. And Tom Jones showing he can still belt out a cracking tune despite his age. And that was it. Nothing else was worth mentioning. The preview of the Doctor Who Christmas special was too short. Strictly Come Dancing isn't worth watching at the best of times, nevermind with one of the McFly people looking like he belongs in musical. And, what gets me is what happened to the £20-odd-million we gave them last year? And the year before? Still, it's enough to buy a Ferrari 250 GT ($10.9mill' a pop) with change. Sadly, they're all children and can't drive it. However, I did turn over when JLS did something because I found the rugby far more entertaining.

The Airbus A380-800 hit the news when one of its engines blew out mid-flight. Now, the A380 is the worlds biggest passenger airliner with two full decks running along its fuselage. A massive 463 people were on board Flight 32 when one of the Roll-Royce Trent engines gave up the ghost. Not only was the engine ruined but so was the controls, the fuel system and the landing gear. All vitally important as one another on a plane full of people. All in all, I don't think it was Roll-Royces fault. After all, they test their engines within an inch of their lives. So what could have possibly made this engine fail like in the picture below?

Luckily no one on board was injured. However, someone was hit by a bit of falling engine casing. Qantas...we're looking at you. Sometimes more isn't better.

Other points of interest in November: Call of Duty: BLOPS was released to the world. Many people liked it. I didn't really see the appeal seeing that many of the major game reviewers gave it on average 9 out of 10. Which is nothing compared to Grand Theft Auto IV's average of 10 out of 10. Up yours silly fish game!; I saw Red - the film, not the metaphorical term for being angry - which is fantastic and got lots of things blowing up. What's not to like?; The X Factor is rigged and is as real as Dannii Minogue's face (like we didn't see that one coming in a million squillion years); Jason Manford did something fantastic. No, not his Skype sessions (even he laughs at that now) but leave the One Show. Matt Faker will now present it and I see no reason to ever watch it again. They were sapping Jase of his true tallent - making me laugh; I couldn't stand it any longer, so I bought myself a Playstation 3; Sebastian Vettel won the Formula One World Championship, beating Lewis Hamilton's youngest driver reign; Kate Middleton and Prince William declared they are to be married. I don't really care about this but Simon Cowell did. It was taking all the pages of publicity from him and his fiX Factor; comedy legend and one of my favourite film stars, Leslie Nielson from Airplane and The Naked Gun Trilogy sadly passed away. Everyone was like, surely you can't be serious and we hastily replied "I am being serious. And don't call me Shirley." He will be sorely missed; and this picture featuring Rio Ferdinand and Carlos Tevez gives us clarification on how footballers lose their watches.

DECEMBER

And so we end November and start the end of the year in the same way it started 12 months ago in January. Snow. But I've written about that before so in a nutshell: it snowed; blah, blah, blah; don't go out if necessary; blah, blah, blah; schools closed; blah, blah, blah; coldest since the 1950's; blah, blah and blah, the end. But it was a very cold "attack." A bus driver even had to quit his job because he ran over a snowman. Here's the video. Just ignore the insane ramblings of whoever is filming it. He should clearly be taken away by the men in white coats.



There's a moral in there somewhere. It's probably, don't be an idiot in the snow, but I personally think it's don't play chicken against a bus when you are snow man. It isn't going to end happily! It bought devastation to the world, or it might as well have done. Every time the news or the weather was on it was snow this, snow that. It disabled power lines on railways leaving me stuck at York and Doncaster station. No one could fly out, no one could drive out and no one could walk anywhere because the previous layer of snow had melted and froze and then got covered with another layer of snow. Last time the country was crippled. Now it was worse than crippled. I dunno, some sort of coma of cold. It's the same story with snow year in, year out. We aren't prepared. However, you have to laugh. I did see in a letter to a newspaper which went along the lines of something like: "Places like Norway and Sweden get this sort of weather every year and they seem to cope..." That's right! Because places like Norway and Sweden are prepared for it and we aren't prepared. If at all for anything. Like losing the World Cup.

With the election happening in May, there were bound to be a lot of people who were not going be happy bunnies, which is always the case. The riots for the hiking up of tuition fees at Universities shook the entire month of December. It was somewhat ironic that the majority of students/protesters that were being arrested were actually posh people. Students who study The Law of Science, The Science of Law, The Law of Law and Drama. Students who have been spoonfed everything from the womb. Students whose parents are figures of authority. Most notably Charlie Moore; the son of Pink Floyd guitarist Gary Moore. Let's be honest here, Gary Moore and Pink Floyd may not be on the go (at the moment) but being a rock artist with a career that has spanned a couple of decades and with millions in the bank, I think Charlie is in a better position than me when it comes to paying off debts and what not. Oh and even more ironically, he was arrested for swinging off the Union Flag on The Cenotaph and then claimed he didn't know what it was. And he's studying some History course. Hmmm, yes...

And of course, Christmas! Which started on the 12th of November because I saw the Coca-Cola advert. Say what you want about Christmas coming earlier each year but regardless, Christmas is a good time of the year. The same songs get played over and over again but we all love them. They may be rubbish and cheesy but, it's Christmas! I stand by and think that if Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmas Time was just a normal song of his, it would be awful, but because it's a Christmas song, it's brilliant. He has written better, beleive it or not but it gets tonnes of airplay each year. They all do! Jona Lewie, Wizzard, Slade, Wham!, Band Aid, and so on. Roy Wood of Wizzard could live off the royalties he gets from I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday forever. Christmas is the season to be jolly (fahla, lalalah, la lah la laah).

Other points of interest in December: With the shopping and weather battling with each other, QVC are telling people to print out and frame pictures of the items they have ordered and give it to whoever wrapped up. This is because they won't be delivering until next year. I would be mortified to get a picture of a Bose iPod combo speakers. Even more so if it was in a frame; The BAE Harrier (The "Jumpjet") retired out of service. I want to big it up a lot more so I will make another post in the new year; The Apprentice ended. I was dissapointed because now Wednesday television isn't worth watching; A nobody won the fiX Factor with a cover of the superb song Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro. If it's going to anything like a couple of years ago with Hallelujah then Biffy are set to make around about £250,000 a month from airplay. And they don't have to do anything! Mon the Biff'!


And that's the end of 2010! What a year it's been with it's live soaps and meat dresses. I bid this year and the decade goodbye...and good riddance? It's been slow but has it been fun? You tell me.