The Yoo Ess of Ay

Last year in the month known as October, I went to a little place that you may know called America for a two week holiday with t'family. And I was impressed with what is there. Florida, yes, is a vacation place but at least it gave a bit of the Americana feel to compare it with Britain. And all that I can say is that America have got the right end of the stick and we...well...are holding the stick, but not really proud of holding the stick. My point is that Britain is a fantastic place but America don't do things by halves, they go the full hog.

Here is a short list of the things what I thought stood out in America:

Cars - In America, cars do the same as what they do anywhere. They take people from one place to another without the need of walking. Over here, we are now being urged to drive 5 miles less a day. Where I live, that means, I don't need a car to go into town. Now over there, it takes forever to get anywhere. The roads are so monstrously colossal, highway roads bank, British Satnavs don't compute properly and you can end up stopping up to 8 lanes of traffic just to cross the road. 8 lanes of traffic is the equivalent to a motorway. And who is brave enough to cross a motorway? Apart from the clinically insane, of course. In the UK, you press the little white button at a crossing and wait for the little green man to beep you across. US has the sort of big shouty button that would normally launch a missile. And there's a countdown of 30 seconds or so warning you that if you don't, you'll end up in a nasty way. Cars go through red lights if the road is clear, even if you're still crossing. Now, the cars themselves are nothing short of epic. Everyone drives either a muscle car, an SUV/Pickup or a truck. The hire car we had was a Ford Focus. "Oh, not much special there," you're probably saying. "We have them over here." No we don't. This is the American market Focus, which is bigger and more powerful. Dodge Chargers, Chevrolet Camaros, Ford Mustangs are all considered 'family cars.' Put into perspective, if you see a Hummer H1 go down your street, you'll probably think that it was a big car. And they are, I've been in one and they make airplane hangers look small. Yet there are cars that tower over the Hummer. They are massive! And it's all down to the fuel. It's cheap in America and the tax on cars isn't as big as our tax, so they can afford huge cars. The only European cars I saw were Mini Coopers, the occasional BMW and Mercedes-Benz and one Aston Martin. Oh and Opel Corsas which had been tricked out to burn rubber in a stunt show, and that was it!

Disney - The main reason why we went to America was because of Walt Disney World. Whether you're 7, 17, or 70, Disneyland (as it colloquially known) is an amazing place. Split into 4 themed parks (Magic Kingdom, EPCOT, Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios), 2 water parks (Blizzard Beach and Typhoon Lagoon) and other points of interest (Downtown Disney, The Boardwalk and World of Sport), Walt Disney World covers a vast area of 42 squared miles. The theme parks are then split up into smaller parks! It is bigger than Manchester, it is Americas biggest employer and generates millions each year, making it the worlds most popular and highest earning theme parks in ever! And everyone seems so happy, as like being glum is a punishable offence. Not saying that WDW forces their employees to be full of glee, that would be terrible. I genuinely think the staff, or "cast members," really enjoy working there. All 60,000+ of them. See, they don't even call them staff. It has it's own transport links with it's Steam railroad going around Magic Kingdom; the all-torque and growly engine noise of the Walt Disney Tram system to take you from the parking lot to the parks; the monorail, which at one point goes through a hotel; the hotels; bus links and even a ferry and boat system to take you over the lake. I'm waffling...what you really want is the childish stuff. The rides! The adrenaline pumps. The bits you want to know.
Magic Kingdom, home to the famous Cinderella Castle, is the epicentre of WDW. It features the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, one of the parks well known roller coasters; Splash Mountain, Space Mountain in the futuristic Tomorrowland and Pirates of the Caribbean and the Haunted Mansion, which both become films because the rides were so popular. Not forgetting the rides and shows that also make part of the experience. All topped off with a magical firework display set in the sky behind the Castle.
Ultra Modern EPCOT Centre boast the most futuristic layout ever, despite being designed in the 60's by Mr Disney himself, and 50 years on, still looks incredibly before it's time. The giant golf ball 'Spaceship Earth' dominates the skyline where ever you are in the park. Being a futuristic park, the rides follow similar pursuit. MISSION: Space is a simulator that takes you to Mars and it is so realistic, you think you're actually taking off; General Motors Test Track accelerates around it's track at over 60mph and Soarin' flies you over California. And that's not all. World Showcase sends around the globe, all on the shore of one lake, with restaurants giving you local cuisine. It was one of the only places in America I could get a fish and chips. But you don't go half way across the world to get a taste of what it is to be English. But it's got it all. France (complete with Eiffel Tower), Japan, Italy and Germany are just some of the places worth visiting. When that's all done, you wait for the sun to set, beacons light with flames around the lake and you wait in awe to watch a 20 minute water, pyro, laser and light display IllumiNations: Reflections of Earth. Never have I seen fireworks used to such an intense level
Animal Kingdom is the home to Disney's Zoo. Hmmm, it's not really a zoo. It's more of an Safari-without-being-in-Africa. Wildlife galour! Tigers, elephants, giraffes and hippos. It's got them all in simulated land all set onto the backdrop of The Tree of Life. The very creative and surprising Expedition: Everest is the parks party and flagship ride; Kali River Rapids is extremely soothing in the blistering heat and DinoLand USA's DINOSAUR gives you the chance to go back in time to hunt down Aladar, the Iguanodon. Then on the entertainment side of the scale is the stage musical of Finding Nemo which is very clever. Not just as zoo, y'know...
Hollywood Studios is WDW's centre of all things film with Mickey's Sorcerers Hat firmly ahead of you as you wander down Hollywood Boulevard. Twilight Zones Tower of Terror immediately steals your eye though. A periless 199ft drop in doomed elevator 13 in the Hollywood Tower. Just beyond this is the Aerosmith Rock'n'roller Coaster which I never went on because the cue was an hour and half long. There's a lot of 'behind the scenes' shows too with the backlot tour showing items from past Disney Movies, Walts private plane and the disaster situation and Lights, Motors, Action! Extreme Stunt Show featuring full sized radio controlled cars, fire, explosions and of course, car stunts. You also get a chance to see Disney's Oscars and original sketches from Snow White!
The water parks were particularly impressive. Whilst they have water slides and flumes, Typhoon Lagoon shows off Miss Tilly, a boat impaled on a mountain due to a savage storm creating the layout, and a six foot high surf pool. Oh, not a wave pool, that's not big enough. If you had a board, you could ride the thing back to the shore. Blizzard Beach combines both snow and sand. Because it's never been done before. The story goes that Florida got hit by a blizzard and resulted in melt-water creating the slides. But you should look up. Look up 120ft to be exact. Summit Plummet is the second tallest water slides in the world. It only takes 2 seconds to get from 120ft to ground level with a top speed of 60mph. You go so fast, you skim across the water at the end of the slide rather than splash and end up with a rather painful back. But you gotta do it again. Both the water parks have artificial flowing rivers. You just sit in a ring and watch the world go by. You can't buy class like that.
As you can see, the parks are impressive. Fireworks, parades, rides all count for the happiest place on Earth no matter what your age (Wow, I should have put that in a separate blog).

Universal Studios - Turning out to be a rather themeparky holiday really. Uni-Studios is just as epic as Disney, just not as big. Home to the ride with a soundtrack, the Hollywood Rip, Ride, Rocket, home to the fierce and highly complex darkride, Revenge of the Mummy, Jaws strikes again on a short boat tour, ride out a Twister, just like the movie just with added realism, and the clinically insane Simpson Ride. Insane but clever! That doesn't make any sense, but I'm writing it so there! And that's only one of the parks. Ran out of time to visit the other one. Shame, although needs be...

Weather - You can't blame the Americans for the weather. It would be good to, but you can't. Aircon! Aahh...You walk into a shop to cool down. You go outside to warm up. Basically summed up. Basically, nighttime was 92 degrees Fahrenheit. 33.3 in Celsius. 33! It was like the moon was no only reflecting light off the sun, but also heat! Walk outside and the heat hits you like brick wall. No outrageous storms seeing that it was hurricane season. Can't complain because it was the hottest October since the 1960's. Did have an electric storm though which was spectacular, lighting up the sky.

Food and Drink/Restaurants - Probably one of America's guilty consciences. The food. Steaks, chicken, chips, more steaks, shish-kabobs, more steak, ice cream, chocolate, pancakes, crispy bacon, pizza, burgers, scrambled egg, beans, sausages, maple syrup, muffins, waffles, all you can eat salad bars, even more steak, spaghetti bolognese, brownies and chicken nuggets. And that's just one meal! Seriously, you can see why Americans are in the shape what they are. Food makes their world go round. It also makes them go round. You're never too far away from a McDonald's, Burger King or Taco Bell. One chain, Cici's, was just a stones-throw away from the apartment and it was so good, it had a miniature golf course on top. I have never seen anything like it before. You go for your (all you can eat) Italian dinner and then finish it with a round of golf. Breakfast is oh-so-simple too. If you've got a busy day planned out, ie. don't particularly want to eat anything later, you could have 3 courses for breakfast (I did). And free refills on coffee (or whatever your drinking). Shopping Malls have food courts and if you wanted a snack, just go around and take all the free samples you can get your hands on. It's that simple. Milkshakes are done properly there too, although I'd like to call them 'Sugar injections.' Coke is sold in big bottles to next nothing dollars and so is Candy. It is hard to find the right thing specifically but it's far from bad. Hershey's chocolate is horrible though.

Shopping - The Florida Mall was a highlight. Makes Meadowhall look like a market. It houses the shops such as the worlds biggest M&M shop. I didn't even know M&M's had so much branded tat. M&M guitars, M&M trousers, even an M&M NASCAR, for crying out loud! All that, and I never walked out with a packet of M&M's. It's also very cheap. Although, I could not find a pair of size 8 Converse Low-tops in Enamel Blue for love nor money. Things are big. Too big to search thoroughly for. Big like Walmart. Basically an empty aircraft hanger filled with anything you can think of. Literally anything. Food? Yep. Books? Yep. Gardening equipment? Yep. McDonald's? Don't be silly. This is America, of course there is! Yep, you read that correctly. Sometimes things can be a bit expensive. Axe Dark Temptation (US Lynx deodorant) costs $8 for a can. That's nearly £5! Maybe they think side effects include being turned into real chocolate, just like the advert. Use sparingly!

The Sky - There was a skywriter!

The People - "Have a nice day!" "No, you have a nice day." The people are very kind. You just ask a waitress to refill your glass, she'll go away and do it with no fuss what-so-ever. We had a conversation with our waiter one night at Ponderossa Steak House about steaks after the meal, and he told us the tale of how he tried to conquer a 60oz steak to get onto a wall of fame but to no avail. Apparently skinnier guys get along better with the steak. Looks like I should have took up the challenge! And yet it was an engaging conversation, bizarrely enough. There are a lot of foreigners there though (even though I was the foreigner). Since Florida is basically Americas Blackpool - Americans go there for a holiday too - there is a big Hispanic community. Pair them up with the heat and you do think you are in Spain. The strange thing was, you travel all that distance to meet someone from Britain working in Disney World selling fish and chips. How do you get a job like that?

The Security - They're all very safe too. Getting into America is very unnerving. Iris scan, fingerprint scan and a Passport Control officer who looks like he's not had a very good day with a gun in his holster at the airport. Don't annoy him or you're not going to have a good day either. You also have to fill in a form to get into the country, stating who you are and why you're going. They kinda have to, judging what happened in 2001. But it didn't stop their. Even Disney World wanted your fingerprint to get in. Whatever the weather, they're not going to let you do what anything illegal. They have records!

The Patriotism - The Americans are a very patriotic. There's the stars and stripes flying everywhere. They are proud to be American. And although British patriotism is different, it's nothing like Americans. If we were to embrace something like flying the flag, someone is bound to offended, which is why we don't do it. Unfortunately. I am proud to be British but it's something like that that makes me admire there country. But not as much as my own.

Erm...have I said how big things are? I think I have. Nope not all of them. The travelators. Taking you from Universal Studios to the parking lot and vice versa. They're big too. Things generally are big. Very Big. Britain isn't. There is a lot of stuff one state alone can generate. We only spent a fortnight there and normally when you go on an 2 week holiday, you end up getting bored and wished you only spent 10 days there. This isn't. We ran out of time. You can't run out of time on holiday. That's not the point. Just goes to show, it's not where you go, it's what you make of it. One problem though. Please. For the love of god. Stop playing the same song over and over and over and over again on the radio, Florida. Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus is good if your a teenage girl but torture if your everyone else. Stop it! That's basically a snippet of my impression of the US. See what I was getting on about with that stick metaphor? No, me neither. And all without a single cliche. HEEEEEE-YAWWWW!