Jesus vs Zombies - Part Four: The Gathering

"Gentlemen" Jesus said "we've got a job to do." Andrew approached him.

"This problem we've got with these hordes of deranged people. Are you behind this by any chance?"

Jesus looked at his feet.

"Erm, sorta" he said. "You see, I was on the bus, the driver died and I revived him. It turned out I really shouldn't have done that. I then went find out what these people had become. It turns out they're called...er...zom...zombo's? No...er...ZOMBIES!" The Disciples gasped. "Yes Zombies" Jesus continued. "They are the undead. They feast on your flesh and brains and if you get bitten by one, you become one." He paused, still catching his breath. 

continuing he said "Please, let us be seated and I shall tell you all the excruciating details and what we should do." So the Disciples and Jesus sat down at a long table and he told them of what exactly had gone on.

Bartholomew spoke up.
"We DO need to unite: fight as brothers" he remarked
"What?" questioned Judas
"Hold on Judas, he may be onto something" said Jesus, trying to get the rest of the group to agree with him. He didn't want to face the zombies by himself. After all one versus many is going to end in sheer disaster and is on par with ideas from the annual Ideas from Lunatics awards. Which doesn't exist but should.
Bartholomew said "There's more than enough of us. We've all got our own skills that can be brought forward and help with this monstrous situation."
"But this is Jesus' fault. If he had just waited for a replacement bus and left the driver there, none of this would have happened" Judas added. Obviously Jesus isn't like that and Judas didn't notice this.
"Stop being so defeatist, Judas" said Jude. "We're very fortunate. We have THE son of God on our side. As long as he's around, we won't be harmed," he hoped. "What do they have? A bad walk."
Judas was having none of it and was starting to make excuses.
"You're supposed to love every living thing, aren't you" aiming his comment at Jesus. "You can't attack them if that's the case, it goes against what you've fought for your entire life."
"They're the undead. They have no souls. It's perfectly fine. The peoples brains they have eaten are now safely being looked after in heaven, but we need to stop this from getting out of hand. I say we work and fight together" he said turning to the Disciples.
"Here's my idea but firstly arrange yourself into a line." The Disciples got out of their seats and did as the Lord asked. Jesus started pacing up and down like a military sergeant.
"We need some catchy names. Code names. We don't want to put people off thinking us Disciples are killing machines so it's the best way to go unnoticed. I know it's going against my mums wishes but we need to do this." Jesus walked up to Simon. "What would you like to be called, Simon?" Simon had a bemused look on his face, trying to think of a name for himself.
"How about Peter?" He asked.
"No" remarked Jesus "That's too obvious. For example, I am The Messiah. You are...?" Simon thought again...
"The...Messiah?" It was all he could think of - Think of an elephant. What do you think of? Same principle - Jesus turned. "No, you are not The Messiah..."
"He's a very naughty boy" came a response down the line and the rest roared with laughter, including Jesus.
"Very good...But let's keep the Life of Brian references to a minimum. Thank you" he turned back to Simon. "Look what's attributed to you. You have the keys to heaven" Jesus clicked "You're the Locksmith." Everybody automatically saw what he was on about. He walked to Andrew. "...And you, Andrew will be known as...?"
"The Beard" Andrew proudly voiced.
"I like it" said Jesus and walked to James, son of Zebedee. "And you're name James?"
"Well, I am a Pilgrim, so I'd like to be called The Pilgrim." Jesus continued.
John named himself The Serpent; Philip named himself Breadmaker; Bartholomew, Blade; Thomas wanted to be known as Twin and James, son of Alphaeus opted for Sawtooth; Simon was The Boatsman and Jude was Axemaster. That was until Matthew and Jesus had a bit of a tussle between his choice of name.
"I'd like to be called Angel" he said. Everyone just looked at him
"It's not very threatening. Angels are friendly. They look over you and help you with your desperate needs. It's not like we're going to be helping these zombies" Jesus said.
Matthew went on. "Actually..."
Jesus stood in. "They're not scary"
Then Matthew butted in. "...No, wait! they are. Have you not seen Doctor Who?"

Jesus stood corrected and allowed Matthew to be called The Angel. Jesus finally came to Judas.
"And finally, you are...?" he asked.
Judas still wasn't up for it. "Leaving...I'm not playing this silly game." Jesus stood back and folded his arms. Judas continued, "It's ridiculous. We're attacking them, not giving them counseling. They won't need to our names...I know, why don't we give them our address' too. Then they can find us"
Jesus spoke up "you're such a Judas!"
"I don't get that. What is it with that and my name? I'm going..." Judas replied and he walked to door.
"Nooooooo!" everyone shouted at Judas, opening the door. The horde of Zombies burst through the opening and everyone ran to the door to close it shut.
"Erm, o...ok-k-kay, I think I'll stay here" said Judas, white as a sheet. Jesus stood back again once the door was fully bolted. "Then it's sorted. We'll armour up and wait until this wave has left us alone. The zombies will stop if we cut off contact from their brain to the rest of the body. Acording to Dr Ahban, this can be done with either; A blow to the head. We'll need anything heavy. We're talking iron bars, blocks of wood or baseball bats. Whack to the temple, bam. Straight down. The shock should stop any neurotransmission but if it doesn't, don't stop being repetitive with your strikes. Or we could cut off the head - Of course, smashing their brains to pulp will stop them but knocking their blocks off will do the same job. So anything sharp - Axemaster, Sawtooth, Blade, I'm looking at you especially - you and your tools may very well be extremely handy. We'll also need to find ways of distracting them. Breadmaker, offer them bread to slow them down. Locksmith...I dunno, jingle your keys."

It turns out this was a very covert operation. Everything was planned down to a tee. Every detail that could be thought of in theory was put down and was ready to work in practice even if the idea itself was a load of hogwash. Even Judas got involved much to Jesus' delight. There was a lot of things that could go right but ultimately a lot of things could go wrong so it was a battle of the best against the best, the team really did have their work cut out and they spent the entire night planning, right the way through Daybreak (The Disciples prefer BBC Breakfast anyway. They find Adrian Chiles too boring and Christine Bleakley too orange) and morning light.

"How are we doing, Pilgrim?" Jesus asked.
James went over to the window, peeled back the curtain and gazed out.
"They've gone, my Lord. We're all clear" he piped.
"Then it is settled. For when we leave here, we attack" Jesus said, picking up a wooden club and unbolting the door. "With this new day, we leave here unknowns. We fight for the well being of others. We fight with our strength against theirs. We fight for my Dad, me and thy Holy Spirit as The New God Squad" and he opened the door. "Amen" and the Disciples thundered out of the door in rampage...