Jesus vs Zombies - Part Four: The Gathering

"Gentlemen" Jesus said "we've got a job to do." Andrew approached him.

"This problem we've got with these hordes of deranged people. Are you behind this by any chance?"

Jesus looked at his feet.

"Erm, sorta" he said. "You see, I was on the bus, the driver died and I revived him. It turned out I really shouldn't have done that. I then went find out what these people had become. It turns out they're called...er...zom...zombo's? No...er...ZOMBIES!" The Disciples gasped. "Yes Zombies" Jesus continued. "They are the undead. They feast on your flesh and brains and if you get bitten by one, you become one." He paused, still catching his breath. 

continuing he said "Please, let us be seated and I shall tell you all the excruciating details and what we should do." So the Disciples and Jesus sat down at a long table and he told them of what exactly had gone on.

Bartholomew spoke up.
"We DO need to unite: fight as brothers" he remarked
"What?" questioned Judas
"Hold on Judas, he may be onto something" said Jesus, trying to get the rest of the group to agree with him. He didn't want to face the zombies by himself. After all one versus many is going to end in sheer disaster and is on par with ideas from the annual Ideas from Lunatics awards. Which doesn't exist but should.
Bartholomew said "There's more than enough of us. We've all got our own skills that can be brought forward and help with this monstrous situation."
"But this is Jesus' fault. If he had just waited for a replacement bus and left the driver there, none of this would have happened" Judas added. Obviously Jesus isn't like that and Judas didn't notice this.
"Stop being so defeatist, Judas" said Jude. "We're very fortunate. We have THE son of God on our side. As long as he's around, we won't be harmed," he hoped. "What do they have? A bad walk."
Judas was having none of it and was starting to make excuses.
"You're supposed to love every living thing, aren't you" aiming his comment at Jesus. "You can't attack them if that's the case, it goes against what you've fought for your entire life."
"They're the undead. They have no souls. It's perfectly fine. The peoples brains they have eaten are now safely being looked after in heaven, but we need to stop this from getting out of hand. I say we work and fight together" he said turning to the Disciples.
"Here's my idea but firstly arrange yourself into a line." The Disciples got out of their seats and did as the Lord asked. Jesus started pacing up and down like a military sergeant.
"We need some catchy names. Code names. We don't want to put people off thinking us Disciples are killing machines so it's the best way to go unnoticed. I know it's going against my mums wishes but we need to do this." Jesus walked up to Simon. "What would you like to be called, Simon?" Simon had a bemused look on his face, trying to think of a name for himself.
"How about Peter?" He asked.
"No" remarked Jesus "That's too obvious. For example, I am The Messiah. You are...?" Simon thought again...
"The...Messiah?" It was all he could think of - Think of an elephant. What do you think of? Same principle - Jesus turned. "No, you are not The Messiah..."
"He's a very naughty boy" came a response down the line and the rest roared with laughter, including Jesus.
"Very good...But let's keep the Life of Brian references to a minimum. Thank you" he turned back to Simon. "Look what's attributed to you. You have the keys to heaven" Jesus clicked "You're the Locksmith." Everybody automatically saw what he was on about. He walked to Andrew. "...And you, Andrew will be known as...?"
"The Beard" Andrew proudly voiced.
"I like it" said Jesus and walked to James, son of Zebedee. "And you're name James?"
"Well, I am a Pilgrim, so I'd like to be called The Pilgrim." Jesus continued.
John named himself The Serpent; Philip named himself Breadmaker; Bartholomew, Blade; Thomas wanted to be known as Twin and James, son of Alphaeus opted for Sawtooth; Simon was The Boatsman and Jude was Axemaster. That was until Matthew and Jesus had a bit of a tussle between his choice of name.
"I'd like to be called Angel" he said. Everyone just looked at him
"It's not very threatening. Angels are friendly. They look over you and help you with your desperate needs. It's not like we're going to be helping these zombies" Jesus said.
Matthew went on. "Actually..."
Jesus stood in. "They're not scary"
Then Matthew butted in. "...No, wait! they are. Have you not seen Doctor Who?"

Jesus stood corrected and allowed Matthew to be called The Angel. Jesus finally came to Judas.
"And finally, you are...?" he asked.
Judas still wasn't up for it. "Leaving...I'm not playing this silly game." Jesus stood back and folded his arms. Judas continued, "It's ridiculous. We're attacking them, not giving them counseling. They won't need to our names...I know, why don't we give them our address' too. Then they can find us"
Jesus spoke up "you're such a Judas!"
"I don't get that. What is it with that and my name? I'm going..." Judas replied and he walked to door.
"Nooooooo!" everyone shouted at Judas, opening the door. The horde of Zombies burst through the opening and everyone ran to the door to close it shut.
"Erm, o...ok-k-kay, I think I'll stay here" said Judas, white as a sheet. Jesus stood back again once the door was fully bolted. "Then it's sorted. We'll armour up and wait until this wave has left us alone. The zombies will stop if we cut off contact from their brain to the rest of the body. Acording to Dr Ahban, this can be done with either; A blow to the head. We'll need anything heavy. We're talking iron bars, blocks of wood or baseball bats. Whack to the temple, bam. Straight down. The shock should stop any neurotransmission but if it doesn't, don't stop being repetitive with your strikes. Or we could cut off the head - Of course, smashing their brains to pulp will stop them but knocking their blocks off will do the same job. So anything sharp - Axemaster, Sawtooth, Blade, I'm looking at you especially - you and your tools may very well be extremely handy. We'll also need to find ways of distracting them. Breadmaker, offer them bread to slow them down. Locksmith...I dunno, jingle your keys."

It turns out this was a very covert operation. Everything was planned down to a tee. Every detail that could be thought of in theory was put down and was ready to work in practice even if the idea itself was a load of hogwash. Even Judas got involved much to Jesus' delight. There was a lot of things that could go right but ultimately a lot of things could go wrong so it was a battle of the best against the best, the team really did have their work cut out and they spent the entire night planning, right the way through Daybreak (The Disciples prefer BBC Breakfast anyway. They find Adrian Chiles too boring and Christine Bleakley too orange) and morning light.

"How are we doing, Pilgrim?" Jesus asked.
James went over to the window, peeled back the curtain and gazed out.
"They've gone, my Lord. We're all clear" he piped.
"Then it is settled. For when we leave here, we attack" Jesus said, picking up a wooden club and unbolting the door. "With this new day, we leave here unknowns. We fight for the well being of others. We fight with our strength against theirs. We fight for my Dad, me and thy Holy Spirit as The New God Squad" and he opened the door. "Amen" and the Disciples thundered out of the door in rampage...

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Three: Doctors Orders

Jesus and Arah looked on at the bus and saw the bus driver standing at the door way. The driver just stood there but his guise had changed some-what. He walked with the swagger of man who had just downed 10 pints of industrial strength lager and his flesh was hanging off his frame like burgers from the burger van outside B&Q, draped over a tailors mannequin.

Arah looked at Jesus in horror.

"Well," he said "I've got a train to catch now and I really want to get comfortable before I hit peak rush hour and have to stand up," and he ran away.

"Nnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh" said the bus driver, thoughtfully. Jesus said nothing and briskly jogged to his office, trying to put this incident to the back of his mind. He got to the reception. 

"I've just seen the most weirdest thing," Jesus told his secretary. 

"What?" asked Stephanie.

"The bus driver. He was dead. He died at the wheel so I brought him back to life. He drove the bus here without saying a word. I thought I did the trick but I've just seen him now and he looks like he's come down with a bad skin rash and rickets..." Jesus panicked.

"Wait, you managed to revive a DEAD bus driver and still get here on time? With the SAME driver? And the majority of my buses are never on time? This is the problem with society today and it gets on peoples nerves. People like myself," interrupted the secretary. "So yes, it is weird. Well, if he's okay and hasn't said anything, then I suppose no news is good news." Jesus went up to his office, hoping that his receptionist was correct. 

Being a relatively quiet day, Jesus decided to seek an answer from God about the situation.

"You did what?" boomed the voice.

"I brought a man back to life. I thought I was doing good," Jesus said. The voice replied:

"You've got a lot to learn about this sacred malarky. You can't just bring people back to life at the drop of a hat. I know I gave you the option to do that but I didn't know you knew how to do it," the voice mentioned. "I got a message from St Peter telling me the driver's soul had already passed on. I knew no one would be hurt because I knew you were on board and would help any casualties. The point is, you basically reanimated the corpse. And the problem is, there is nothing controlling the body. It may be the person in form but not the person in mind. I suggest you go see Dr Ahban. He knows about this stuff. He's been studying it for a while."

Jesus was bemused. "I know stuff."

"Yes, but you're not a Doctor" said the voice. "Go now. He'll understand. Tell him I sent you." Jesus said nothing and went to see Dr Ahban about this problem. 

After meeting with him and shaking his hand, Jesus told him what had happened.

"What you are describing there, my Lord," explained Dr Ahban adjusting his glasses "this reanimation and re-perambulation of a corpse - is what is widly known to people around the world as a zombie"

"A wha..." Jesus said, choking on his words and disbelief.
"A zombie. The rising undead. I have a chart" said the Doctor, pulling out his brainstormed ideas.

"Here are some key features of zombies" he continued. Jesus was horrified at what he saw. Some of the words matched the criteria of the bus driver but it wasn't his main concern.
"The bus driver bit man on the bus on the neck. Does that mean...?" Dr Ahban nodded.
"Yes," he said. "Unfortunately, he is now a zombie too." Jesus was taken aback in awe and surprise.
"This is worse than I thought" he added. Then Jesus noticed the phrase in the corner - bash to the head, zombie is dead. This got him thinking.
He asked "you mean to say there's a way of stopping them?"
Dr Ahban replied "yes. A solid whack on the head or a way of stopping the brain from interacting with the rest of the body should stop any zombie dead, but it is not advisable. Remember; if you get attacked, you will become one and there is no way of reversing it." Jesus stood firm and took a deep breath. He was figuring something out...
"Right. This is my responsibility. I made this problem, I'm going to have to solve it. What I'll do is find the bus driver and Achish, the man he attacked and stop them from making this problem a whole lot worse. They may have gone to Heaven now but I don't want anymore people to be meeting St. Peter today. It's my duty... Thank you for your help, Doctor." Jesus said his goodbyes and Doctor Ahban wished him good luck. But unbeknown to Jesus, a surprise was waiting for him outside the door.

Jesus was too late and quickly shut the door behind him.
"This is going to take a lot more people than expected," he said, breathing heavily at the shock. The Doctor sneaked Jesus out the back way where, luckily, none of the undead were. Jesus jumped over the fence and ran as fast as his legs could take him, occasionally looking back. Then he notice one of the zombies notice him.
"Nnnnnneeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr" moaned the zombie and the rest of them looked up and saw Jesus running. Then it clicked...The zombies chased after Jesus at a jaunty pace but he could easily outrun them and he knew where he was going. Running down alleyways and bolting through streets he finally burst through the door of Disciple HQ.
"Gentlemen" Jesus said, catching his breath. "We've got a job to do..."

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Two: Romans and Realisations

"Oh no...surely it can't be...!?"
Jesus was right to question.
"Romans!"
Jesus got out of his chair, ran out of the office and into the path of an army of rampaging Centurions which is where he stood, still and silent in front of them. The army stopped in their tracks, almost confused at the fact that a man would stand up to the scary might of the most powerful army the world has ever seen.
"Who goes there!?" shouted one Roman.
"It is I. Son of God, Lord to the people. Jesus of Nazareth. You are terrorising my people. You are not worthy of this place. Be gone." he sincerely voiced to the Roman. The Roman stepped forward, not knowing what he was about to get himself into. He walked right up to Jesus.
"What was that?" he threatened. Jesus just looked down his nose at him.
"I said, be gone" warned the Lord. The Roman took another step forward.
"No." he remarked.
"Very well" Jesus retaliated. "You leave me with no choice" and he stepped away from the Roman and turned his back on the army, who were now even more confused. Jesus then turned around in a beam of brilliant, bright light to the sound of an Angels choir. The wind picked up and blew sand all over the place. The soldiers were covering their faces, protecting their eyes from the sand.
Jesus boomed, "My father gave you free will to do as you chose but this really takes the biscuit. You may believe what you want to believe but one slip up, especially in my presence, you'll be sentenced to an eternity of pain and suffering." The wind picked up even more, turning into vortices's that surrounded Jesus. The Romans were petrified. Some of them dropped their swords and shields and turned back as quickly as they arrived. The rest soon followed, too scared to even look back.
"You have been warned!" the Lord told. The choir and the wind died down and the street fell silent again.
"Lord, that was amazing. I didn't know you could do that" said Hashabniah.
Jesus chuckled "Well, you would think that Hashabniah. I didn't. I said it myself, they can believe what they want to believe. Just goes to show that there's a bit of my word in them Romans. They merely did it themselves. They believed it." Jesus left him with that thought and walked back to the office.
"I think I'm going to call it a day Stephanie. I'm bushed after that confrontation. It's hard summoning angels on a good day. If you could lock up for me that would be ever so good" Jesus told his secretary.
"You're the boss" she replied. Jesus then set for home...He walked today rather than his more conventional way. It was a nice day so he thought he'd make the most of it.

"I'm home mother" he said, walking through the door.
"You're home early" Mary said.
"I know I had a run in with some Ro...ermm, awkward people. I soon turned them away. They won't be back for a while" said Jesus.
Mary butted in.
"Have you been messing about with them Romans again? Look. I've told you, you can't go converting people like that. It's not morally correct."
Jesus tried to explain.
"But, I'm not. They did it themselves. Besides, you're telling me that if you had the power, you wouldn't flaunt it?" he asked.
"Powers or no powers, you shouldn't do it. Now, if you had a secret alias and a cape then yes, probably. But because people need to know who you are, I think it's best left out of the equation" added Mary. Jesus was getting ideas. "You mean like a vigilante?" he thought...

"It could be argued that I have powers of in the realms of 'super' classification. And, I am a man. Yes, that's it. From now on I shall be known as Man that is Super!" he laughed ironically. Mary didn't like this.
"Son, stop being so delusional! You can't do that. Besides, Bruce Wayne has beaten you to it."
Jesus had to correct her. "Mum, I think you'll find that's Batman."
"Whatever, the point is I don't want you getting into trouble. I don't care if you are the son of the man upstairs or not, when you're living under my roof, you live by my rules." Jesus looked up and thought to himself "I'm not related to Mr Jenkins in the flat above, am I?"

Jesus went to his room to carry on his carpentry on his chair and thought about what his mother had said as well as the busy day he had encountered.

The next day came. Jesus woke up and looked at his clock. "7 o'clock on a Friday...weekend last day, it's the weekend tomorrow." So he got out of bed and freshened himself up with a quick shower. He browsed through his cereal choice and opted for Choc n Roll today, his favourite. He looked out the window. The clouds were looming in over Nazareth.
"It's the bus for me today" he thought to himself, picking up his briefcase. Jesus got to the bus stop and he bumped into his friend Arah the Traveller.
"Jesus C...how's it going?" asked Arah.
"Hi, Arah, how are you today?" Jesus replied. "Not too bad, I was thinking about walking to work this morning but these grey clouds are very daunting. It looks like a storm is brewing. And then I thought, if I can't walk, what would you do? So I decided to take the bus" Arah explained. Jesus told him about what happened the day before and how he averted the crisis, "It was out of the blue, y'know." The bus soon arrived and the two friends got on board. The bus was relatively empty, apart from a typical number of old codgers. Not that this phased the friends. They, like any of the other cool kids, took the back seat. The driver however looked a bit worse for ware. He looked very frail and ill but despite this, wanted to carry on with his journey. The bus was soon on it's way down the road...

That was until the bus came to an absolute dead stop. The bus driver was unconscious. Jesus looked at his watch and said "quarter to seven. I need to be at the office at 8. Let's see what's up..." So he went to the bus driver to find out what was wrong. The driver was slumped over the steering wheel, cold and knocked out flat. Jesus checked his pulse. Nothing. Jesus looked glum.
"Poor chap" Jesus thought. Arah came over.
"You know you've got a reputation for being a miracle maker?" he asked.
"It's something that I don't want promote, I'm just doing my job at the end of the day. It's more of an occupation," Jesus added.
"Well, you've got healing hands. Why not try and revive this man. You'll get to work and this man could enjoy a few more years living. What do you say?" Arah went on. Jesus was unsure. He had never done anything like this before. He has helped people but never like this.
"I'll see what I can do" he said and he put his healing hands on the mans head. Light shone out of his fingertips. The bus began to shake violently but Jesus kept his strain. Then it stopped as quickly as it started.
Arah asked "has it worked?" Jesus genuinely didn't know and so didn't answer. A fellow passenger, a man, had lost his patience.
"Right that's it. I'm really agitated now. I'm late for work and I demand to know what's going on." The bus driver stood up and groaned.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr"
"Calm down Achish, we've got this under control." Jesus lied, not knowing what to do at the fact the dead driver just stood up.
"No you haven't! I demand to know what's happening!" The bus driver slowly pointed at Achish! "Oi, get this bus moving now, you useless old man. I don't want to be late for work" Achish demanded. He was going red in the face and was very frustrated now.

The bus driver groaned again and sat back down and carried on the journey.
"Well it worked" said Arah.
"We'll wait until we reach our destination until we see if the bus driver is okay. He looks fine-ish" Jesus said.

The bus reached it's stop.
"I'm getting my money back from this trip. It has been the worst customer service ever" said Achish "I wasn't satisfied with my journey." Jesus, Arah and the rest of the travelers gave Achish room to confront the driver and so got off.
"Okay, but don't do anything too daft. I still need to make sure he's okay," Jesus called. That's when it all kicked off. There was a lot noise and then a scream from Achish who came running out of the bus clutching his bloodied neck.
"He bit me. The silly old man bit me!" Achish shouted as he ran away in terror.
"Wait, come back" Jesus shouted. Then there was a thud and he and Arah looked on at the bus and saw the bus driver standing at the door way...

Jesus vs Zombies - Part One: In The Beginning...

I know it's called the Observation Blog and is full of my outlook on the world. But this is technically a story, and it all came about from me observing something my friend Rowan sent to me the other day on Facebook that he 'shopped whilst we were still at school. In fact, here it is...

This prompted me to write the story of Jesus vs Zombies -  a one-off one of the kind story, written in a not too dissimilar vein to that of the story of Thy Holy Vending Machine. In the words of Rainier Wolfcastle from The Simpsons "Eet is a mixture of action und comedy" (as told as accurately as I can possibly write it). It really is a story of two halves - A tale and accompanying it, my own dodgy photoshop attempts. Once this is out of the way, I'll get back onto writing my observations. Please note, this isn't insulting, it's just a bit of fun. Read it all and you'll find out who wins. Whether you're for Christianity or Zombianity, this isn't making fun of either...anyway...

And this story goes a little like this...

It was a quiet, sunny Thursday afternoon in Nazareth, AD30. The shops were open as usual, the people where contented with their lives and jobs and everything was going fantastically well. It is as typical as you'd expect in a place and a time like this. 

"Isn't it a fine day, Mara?" announced Asher the Happy to his wife. 

Mara the Miserable replied "you can talk. I think I have leprosy, I'm going to be sacked from my job and I didn't win the lottery last night."

"I know of a local man who can help you in your time of need. He lives down the road and he's got a reputation of being a wise and learned man with very good contacts" Asher told his wife. "I can pop over later and ask when I pick up Lamech from school. He's very good. Do you remember Mahlon the Sick? The Chef...? Kept vomiting all the time...he did the catering at your sisters wedding" 

His wife nodded in agreement "ah yes. We were advised to stay away from the vegetable soup," she said. 

"Well, this guy had a stern talking with him and now Mahlon is no longer sick. The only thing he's sick of now is his name. People say he works miracles." Mara was intrigued so she urged her husband to go and check this man out. True to his word, Asher left early to try and catch the wise and learned man who helped Mahlon the Sick stop being sick. Asher walked into a marvelous building where the man with these answers was based. He came to the reception and said a nervous "hello." 

"Hello there sir, how may we be of service to you today?" questioned the receptionist. 

"Yes, I've heard that there was a man that may be able to help my wife..." replied Asher. The receptionist told Asher to go to the third floor and down the corridor to room number 302. Asher followed her directions and knocked firmly on this door.

"Please come in" said a heavenly voice. "I've been expecting you. I've have been told that your wife has been having some difficulties"

"H...h...how did you know that I was going to be paying a visit? And my wife. How do you know about her?" said Asher, nervously. 

"Divine intervention, I think it's called. Nah, only kidding! Stephanie just gave me a buzz over the intercom. She told me all the details, it's fine. I'm not here to scare you, my brother. Please. Take a seat and we shall begin." spoke the man. Asher took refuge on the big sofa that adorned the mans office. "I'm Jesus" said the man. Asher sat bolt upright. "You!" Asher was shocked. "You!" He said again. "That Christmas. 30 years ago. It was you. Th...th...the virgin birth. Almighty son of God!" Jesus looked at Asher.

"Now, now...there's no need to use my, or dads name in vain. Please. Relax. I'm here to help you. Please, tell me. What is the matter with your wife?"

Asher, sitting back in the large sofa, said "She's very upset. She didn't win the lottery last night. She was furious that Dale Winton didn't pick her numbers. I told her the lottery doesn't work like that but she refused to listen to what I have to say."

"Yeah, I'm not that sort of 'help' per say. I mean, I can perform miracles but predicting the lottery numbers...I'm not Derren Brown" Jesus remarked. 

"Well, she's also scared about losing her job. It's bringing her down ever so much. What can you do in this instance?" Jesus handed Asher a leaflet. 

"We're trying to branch out to different locations around the nation and indeed the world so get your wife to join and she'll be in the job forever. We've got loads of positions going. Organ players. Prayer readers. You name it, I think she'll fit right in here" Jesus continued. Asher looked on in awe and a huge smile spread across his face as if to say that this was perfect. "And finally" Asher spoke up. "My wife is very ill. She has the worst disease known to man (at the moment). She thinks she is a Leper my Lord." 

"Let me seek some advice and guidance...Daaaaaad!"

A voice boomed "What is it?"

"A man needs some help with his wife. Any advice?" Jesus beamed as saw a page open up on his computer screen and so he typed...

...but the internet connection was down even though the router had been turned off and back on again many times.

"It's not working Dad!" Jesus shouted at the ceiling.

"Try giving him our offer" the ceiling said.

"What I can do you, is a deal. I've got this handy all in one package that cures leprosy and whole load of other diseases, including blindness and also give access to all the inns in Bethlehem as rehabilitation. There's one with this fantastic stable, I recommend it. It's not as quick as my healing hands but it does the job but I'd say it's a bargain. You are getting all this from a man you can trust...even though you've only just met me." said Jesus "we'll even throw in a donkey to take you to your retreat. Just get your wife to follow the instructions and simply follow the bright light."

"Why thank you Lord. I shall take that" finished Asher and he paid for his handy package and was away to pick up his son and tell him the good news about this 'miracle.'

Jesus sat back in his big office chair, thinking about the job he did very well. 

BUUUUUZZZZZZZ "My Lord, we've got a major disturbance outside!" came the intercom.

"Stephanie, don't do that. You scared the me out of me. What seems to be the problem?" Jesus exclaimed.

"There's a massive group of people. They just ran away in terror." replied his secretary. Jesus had to think about this. What could the group of townspeople be running away from? 

"Lions? No...Aliens? I mean, seriously. Life on other planets? Dinosaurs? Pffft, doubt it." Then he stopped in an eerie silence and his face dropped. "Oh no...surely it can't be...!?"

Keeping your eyes on the road = Really difficult in some parts of the world

Yes, that's right. I've started putting up videos on here. I did it for my 2010 roundup last year and never really touched up on it. Put simply, I'm going to share with you, the best videos - be them viral or otherwise - from the internet, starting with this.

Be warned: If you don't expect it, you will cack yourself. So, if you're not good with them "look for the ghost...looking for ghost...where's the ghost? Blaaaaaarrr!!" videos then be careful with this. You have been warned.





I saw this on TopGear.com and was filmed in the Yoo Ess of Ay. Where else? You don't expect it because I bet you, you were staring at the truck, waiting for something to happen. And then it hits you. Or the car. What seems to be a happy, mundane drive in the car soon turned into a pant-wetting scenario of horror as a plank of wood gets kicked up and skewers the cars windscreen. It just show how close to disaster this driver was inches from a terrible accident. According to the videos description, the driver was fine and managed to live to tell the tale. But, answer me this; (and the comments on Top Gear show that I'm not the only one who thinks this) why was this woman filming the big rig AND driving? Driving without due care and attention? It's crazy. But combine that with the random plank smashing its way into your cars cockpit...oooh, she's not going to stop the screaming in her head for years!

Horoscopes

So, my month analysing horoscopes and recording the outcome has terminated...quite a while a go. It's now April and I wrote that up in February. In fact, I got this idea that I should a simple overview after reading through them and giving my honest, heartfelt conclusion. It was a month long experiment to see if horoscopes actually did hold some truth. I thought that the single one wouldn't give a big picture; it was always hit and miss. Now that I've read what they have said throughout the entire month, I have come to this remarkable conclusion:

It's hit and miss. But mostly miss.

Click here to read week one
Click here to read week two
Click here to read week three
Click here to read, yep you guessed it, week four

Some scientists...in fact, these scientists...

...have said that horoscopes and astrology is actually a something that is known in the science business as a pseudo-science. This means that there is not enough fact to back up the argument and so to class it as a science, it has to have the prefix 'pseudo-' which means something that isn't true; something it's not. Science is of course the study to find answers. So it's actually saying "we have some answers but there's a high chance of them being false." 

As far as I'm concerned it is a load of hogwash. The majority of the time, it was reused hash. Like the photography stuff! It was mentioned at least twice throughout the month. Go back and see for yourself. 

There was some accuracy with what I was reading but how much of it was pure accuracy? And not what is called 'cold calling' where a thought is given and then we try and build fact around it. This is more logical. There must be many people born under the pisces sign in the world and The Sun is read by Britain, that's surely a fraction less but that still leaves many people. Does what Mystic Meg say apply to all them pisces? And that's only one sign, there's 11 more. Which leads me onto my next point...

Are they supposed to be used as guidance? Do we read them to give us the get up and go and think 'because it's written in the stars, then it's going to happen because the stars know all?' Not true in my case. I made effort to follow the guidance but whatever it said, the opposite happened. I don't if I was doing anything wrong. Maybe I wasn't willing enough to make it happen properly but I at least made an effort and surely that's gotta account for something? Sometimes it was a matter of doing what isn't convenient, like traveling north for example (February 2nd) or meeting in a sports venue (22nd). It doesn't say what type of venue and it doesn't say how far North? 

Or do they tell the future? Do they tell you what is going to happen regardless? No. I proved this is not so. They don't. 

So are they supposed to change your outlook? Do they give inspiration to do it in gradual time. If this was the case then this would make more sense. But it needs to make sense first. I can't work with it if it's not fully understandable. It'd be like getting flatpack furniture from IKEA and realising that the middle bit of the instructions are there. You vaguely know how to start but you don't know what it'll end up looking like as a finished product. And then of course, it hit me...

It's all down to superstition. Future events being foretold; happening before they actually do. Now, I don't believe in superstitions. That way, they won't hurt you. The only thing that makes you think you'll get bad luck by smashing a mirror or walking under a ladder is your mind. And vice versa for good luck. If you don't believe, it won't do anything to you. And that sort of applies with horoscopes. The stars may say it but you don't have to listen. Just go out and make it happen without Clever Mercury or the Moon and it's amazing sixth sense ability getting in the way. It'll feel like you've actually done it then rather than it being the sole responsibility of a planet. You are you're own person. Don't let the solar system take control of your life because that just sounds silly. The only real benefit I can see me getting out of these star signs is that for me, it gives me the chance to occasionally say "I am a fish." Now whose the silly one?

For my next experiment, I shall attempt to live my life without Horoscopes!

Megalikes.net just keeps on giving, doesn't it?

Lo and behold, another post thanks to the generosity of Facebook like website, Megalikes.net. Last time I questioned human intelligence with the sob story of the guy who wasn't blind, who gave his eyes to a girl who was blind just to marry her. She said no and now he's blind forever!  However, I found this one that questions this fact even more! I always thought Facebook was the MySpace for the generation of people who outgrew MySpace with it's bulletin notifications and other things I forget. It was the chance to avoid it. But that trend just packed their bags and moved to Zuckerbergs network like the internet gypsies they are. This made me laugh though:

HOW TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE
Follow them around the house everywhere
Moo when they say your name
Run into walls
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion
Jump off the roof, trying to fly
Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people
At everything they say yell, Liar
Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard"
Try to swim in the floor


Might I add that it made me laugh for the wrong reasons.


Firstly, doing them things will not only make your parent's think you are insane, it'll also make the insane think you're just trying too hard. As far as instructions go, these are pretty bold in their claims. It will indeed lead them to believe you are going mad but which of these shows insanity? Let's have a look at some of them.

Follow them around the house everywhere - Sure, you may do that if you are a toddler who doesn't want their mum or dad to be out of sight because to them it's comforting, knowing they have a protector in distance incase something they think something like a goblin is about to jump out of the cupboard or a shark is going to eat you. Toddlers are very deceptible like that and so it's natural. It doesn't mean to say they're insane though. If you do it, for example, whilst out and about, it may just look like you need your parents 24/7. In which case other people will think you're not going mad, but don't want be left alone. It'll make your friends think you're insane, not your parents.

Moo when they say your name - Very hard not to think you're going mad especially when you are actually a calf. It's just their way of saying "yes" I suppose. It isn't mad cow disease. Again, you'll get odd looks from people but don't expect them to sit next to you on the bus.

Run into walls - Back to the blind story again ergo not mad. Running into walls may be funny if it was on YouTube but it really hurts and not something you'd like to bring up whilst in hospital. "So how did you break you nose, exactly?"
"I ran into the wall."
"And why did you do that?"
"To prove to my parent's that I'm insane..."
"And are you insane?"
"No, I'm just trying to make my parent's think I am"
At this point, you will be thrown out of the hospital and maybe arrested for foolishness.

Say that wearing clothes is against your religion - This is not a case of insanity. It is in face a case of belief. If your religion says this and this is what you believe, it does not automatically give you the IQ of a lettuce. On the flip side, naturists are constantly walking around in the buff. It doesn't mean to say that they are part of some sort of mad cult from the future.

Where a sticker that says "I'm a retard" - Unless you want to get more odd looks from your fellow members of the people race, I suggest doing something with a bit more pizazz. This is just lazy. It's to the point but it's just a sticker at the end of the day. Not even the medically insane where a sticker with that on. So why should you?

Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, "good morning sunshine" - Like running into walls, this won't do your face any favours either. People react differently to shocks. Some back away others don't. Your parents know you better than anyone else but their brain might not and so they may just see this grinning weirdo hanging over them and try and punch them away. At which point they're going to ask why you're doing it and you're going to reply "to make you think I'm insane." Another resulting blow to the head is then inevitable.

Alternatively, you could change a few things to that list to make it more applicable. For example, don't moo when your name is called, just rock back and forth uncontrollably. Again, don't run into walls, run into a lake. Don't try to swim in the floor, merely swim ON the floor. You don't need to try to fly because you know you will. And don't just call people liars. It's probably not true. Just say "I've taken the context of what you have said into consideration and have come up with an indefinite and reliable answer and I suggest you think about it...did you get how Lost ended?" Besides, you're bound to get someone who'd like to abuse the fact they keep calling you a liar ("He doesn't like being beaten up." "LIAR!") And don't say you see dead people because although no one will believe, they'd just think you're quoting The Sixth Sense.

Facebook audience who liked it, I'm aiming this squarely at you!