A month as told by Horoscopes - Week 4

Finally we get to the last week of my adventures with the stars. Probably.

22nd - What did it say?:
For the first time in two years, Mars is in your sign and will be for 38 days. Don't waste this window of opportunity when you will have the power to turn dreams into fulfilling action. Venus proves the value of a secure relationship. Still looking? Your first meeting is in a sports venue.

Was it all it said it was?
Rolling back on with Tuesday we get back into the deep end of things. Mars will be my sign for 38 days. That's nearly two whole months lugging around the Red Planet. Turning my dreams into fulfilling actions costs money. Money which I don't want to spend right now. I've just spent money on this computer of which I am typing on now. I have the power. But I'd rather have the money. And I can't for the life of me think where the nearest sports venue is. There's Hartsholmes Cricket pitch which is empty. Or there's Lincoln City Football Club's Sincil Bank Stadium...

(That is, if there's anyone actually there)
I don't think it's advisable to go hunting where there's a lot of screaming football fans. What's wrong with the park? Or Starbucks? It may not be the most romantic place on Earth but it's a start

23rd - What did it say?:
You could either blow a gasket or breathe an enormous sign of relief knowing that you've reached the end of a road. Either way you're likely to be the centre of attraction both at work and at home. Stirred up as you are, you could be ultra-sensitive to foods - and even noise. You're likely to be especially appreciative of someone who seems able to read your mind and who's clearly doing all they can to keep stress to a minimum.

Was it all it said it was?:
Going back to horoscope.com (this running theme of me missing stuff out has become quite popular with these, hasn't it?). I started to fret a bit when it told me I was at the end of the road. I thought I may not end up finishing these posts. I wasn't the centre of attraction anywhere, so that's wrong. I like my food, so I not going to ultra-sensitive to that either. And even noise! I like noise. It's kinda what music is. As for this person who can read my mind...Who is it? And why are they reading MY mind? Oh. "Seems" to be able to read my mind. As with the majority of mind reading tricks it's either forced or total guess work, which ironically is what a horoscope "seems" to be.

24th - What did it say?:
Fiery Mars promises plenty of passion action and a relationship that seemed to be going nowhere moves in an exciting and unexpected, direction. Single? Just one smile from you attracts that special someone. It is vital to be meticulous in even the most routine tasks at work. Luck talks to S.

Was it all it said it was?:
If it was so good, why didn't it highlight the single aspect first? Reading again, it sort of does. "A relationship that seemed to be going nowhere" it says. But what sort of relationship are we on about? Is it the relationship like between two people, a friendship-style relationship or the relationship between salt and vinegar? I spent the majority of the day smiling but nothing came to light. And who is S? I know lots of people that have S starting their name but which one? I can't ask them all "do you know what my routine task is?" Chances are they'd answer like myself and go "huh?"

25th - What did it say?:
Clever Mercury meets the Sun in your sign so a new you emerges - smart, sexy and ready for success. Lots of people want to get to know you better but don't neglect your true friends. If you are single, only go out tonight if you're ready to risk falling madly in love.

Was it all it said it was?:
Without beating around the bush too much, I already think myself of them 3 things; it's got nothing to do with me being 'new.' Mercury may be clever but I think it's holding me back. And then the Sun joins in too. That's Mercury, the Sun and Mars I've got hanging around. I'm going to end the week with entire solar system! It's a burden, y'know. How would you like 2 planets and a star following you where ever you went? It's very daunting. As for going out tonight - not in the rain. It's not the biggest risk but the consequences may be...You don't speak consequences do you stars? I'm still waiting for these lots of people...Oh sod it, I'm going back to watch Thomas the Tank Engine.

26th - What did it say?:
The moon moves in to the sociable part of your chart to make you good company. Friendships can get back to their best. And working together on a charity challenge could be a life-changing success. Partners fall in love with each other all over again. Single? Your new love is a dancer

Was it all it said it was?:
I told you about the entire solar system! Now the moon is getting involved! It may make me sociable but how? I love how these are very vague. It's something I'm going to make a note upon. There's no charity events that I know of (I did think of dyeing my hair red for Comic Releif but that was only thinking about it. No further steps were made). And with these partners. WHO? At least give me some incline.

27th - What did it say?:
You can probably sense that behind someone'sexpensive.

Was it all it said it was?:
Quote "you can sense that behind someones smile is a brain trying to work out how to get a an idea past you." How odd. I watched Inception on Saturday and that is exactly what the plot entails (in a sense). Doesn't actually mean anything though and it is a day out. It's not a laughing matter however because the property matter is becoming expensive. I wish I knew what this property matter was so then I could solve it. It could be anything from the broken tap in the garage or something more sinister? Horoscopes.co.uk, I must say, you're naff! There are no property problems. There is no one I've taken by surprise.

28th - What did it say?:

As the moon sharpens your sixth sense, you see people's true characters - and there will be surprises. At work and at home, action will replace the waiting and wondering. Loved up? You see a new and exciting side of a partner. A relative who can't say sorry makes amends in a generous way.


Was it all it said it was?:
And finally! The last ever horoscope that I will have to read for the purposes of this experiment. I can see peoples true characters. And there will be surprises. There were supposed to surprises yesterday but there wasn't. Again, this action? What is it? I could say that it was me starting to pen down ideas for new tunes. That's an action that I put on hold for a while. There's been nothing new and exciting today about anybody. It's been the same people day in day out. And that's how its going to stay it seems. No amount of astrology is going to change that!

A month as told by Horoscopes - Week 3

Here we go again.

15th - What did it say?:
You have the perfect blend of logic and intuition that makes you sure about the work you want to do and devise a step-by-step plan that will get you there. Later, the moon adds a dash of daring to a relationship that is a bit too cosy. Single? New love has the same name as your first love.


Was it all it said it was?:
Actually, there is some truth! It shocked me too! I actually started planning my trip to Southampton for a university interview. And I actually planned out step by step how I would get there. University could be argued as a type of work, I suppose. But the relationship bit of it is a no-no. No new names, but at least we got something that is quite clear! For once...

16th - What did it say?:
I dunno, I missed another one...

Was it all it said it was?:
I'll never know...I'm not doing very well with the whole writing them down thing. I bet didn't predict that! "You will not read this" but of course, I won't know.

17th - What did it say?:
Your mentor planet Neptune shines a light on the hidden part of your chart and you discover hidden talents, which could include photography. A love relationship may seem to be moving slowly but it's worth the wait. If your heart has a vacancy, a chat about the weather may lead to a hot date.

Was it all it said it was?:
Here go again with the photography! I'm not a photographist. It's not dawned upon me being a photographist either. Besides, I can take good pictures (and by good, I mean they would look okay on Facebook) and if it was hidden, then it's not hidden very well. And I didn't want to ignite a conversation about the weather. Probably because it'll end up something like this:
Me: So, the weather's grey today.
Them: Yeah.
Me: I hope it doesn't rain.
Them: Me neither.
Me: It may not rain though.
Them: But it'll still be grey though.
Me: Yes.
If the horoscope was anything to go about, it'd think it'll happen like this:
Me: So, the weather's grey today.
Them: Will you marry me?
I thought the latter would have been highly unlikely

18th - What did it say?:
Make a fitness promise today and you know this time you'll keep it. The full moon will also help you inspire a relative to try a healthier lifestyle. You can set aside feelings and make strictly practical decisions about money. Venus inspires some friendly flirting that gets a relationship moving.

Was it all it said it was?:
Firstly, the fitness promise. I said to myself that I would walk into town today and I did! I then walked around town and then went home. Now, my legs hurt and I thought I should have caught the bus. I could have inspired a relative to try a healtier lifestyle...I didn't. Unless helping with making the chilli was inspiring? But I did set aside practical decisions about money! I came to the decision to buy a new computer whilst it's cheap before it goes up in price on Tuesday. If that's not practical, then I don't know what is. And as far as this relationship goes, who's to say that it isn't my own?

19th - What did it say?:
The waiting is over, as the sun races into your sign, so this is the perfect weekend to launch plans. You can make two deeply personal dreams real. You could give a long-term relationship a subtle, sexy makeover or find a soulmate. You're back to your best and people respond so well.

Was it all it said it was?:
Sat here, I'm thinking "what happened on Saturday?" Oh yes. Of course. I bought myself a new computer. This could be these new plans, no? As in, to get my recording in under way, I would have to buy a new computer (my laptop is now crippled). The waiting was over and so I trundled off to Argos to finally get my new gadget. Half the story then. I don't feel my best...

20th - What did it say?:
Whether it's a relative - or you - that needs to create a new 'nest', you may be involved with discussions with repairers or removers. Your brain cells could be challenged too and you may need to explain your understanding of rules and regulations - and even of day-to-day operations. You could, however, astound a Leo with your understanding.

Was it all it said it was?:
This was quite insulting! I don't think I've ever challenged my brain cells so who's to say that Sunday would be any different? Nothings broken, nothing needs moving and there's nothing accurate about these. I think I bigged up horoscope.co.uk and now I feel let down.

21st - What did it say?:
Clever Mercury moves in to your sign to make you the zodiac's mastermind. You believe in your own ideas and others have confidence in you. You could solve a family mystery in a way that makes you richer in more than money. Love asks a question that needs a thoughtful answer.

Was it all it said it was:
Good gracious, I'm turning into Scooby-Doo. Or at least it says I am. The first time I read this I thought, by the way it was worded, it looked like if I solved the mystery, I would find money. Only when I read it again, it told me I'd be richer in more than money. However, when I was talking to my friend Rowan about our own music projects, he said he was looking forward to my ideas. Whether this was confidence in my or he's just eager to listen is another story. This doesn't dwell upon it. And aren't all questions about love thoughtful? I mean proper not just, "yeah, that'll do..."

It's not looking fruitful, is it?

The BRIT Awards 2011

The British music industry; once thriving with rock 'n' roll, Britpop, punk, synthpop of the 70's and 80's and of course cheesy 90's pop! There must be an award ceremony every year celebrating the best of the past years great music. These are musicians; music is an art and there are those who should be awarded for their contributions. But, that was in the past. This is 2011 where the music found in the charts is nothing like what it used to be. It's no surprise then that this years BRIT's I thought should have been spelt with a 'Sh' because oh my word was it a shamble. Admittedly, nothing went wrong, as an award ceremony it went the way it should have done. Perfect. The thing with it was the actual awards and who they went to...Ah. We do have a bit of a problem.

Set the scene at the beginning of the night. Filmed in the glorious O2 "Millennium Dome" Arena, the award ceremony was in-under way with a performance of Kids from manband, Take That. This was their first BRIT's as a 5 piece since reforminglab and you could tell Robbie Williams was there. He was the one that tried to out-do the other 4, ergo, not very well. Things started to take a turn for the weird when a million riot police officers entered the stage. I thought everything was going to kick off. No. They started dancing! If only they did this during the recent education fees riots.

Enter next, stage right, James Corden, the host! Big guy but strangely doesn't follow the formula for 'Fat = Funny.'  What was wrong with Peter Kay? He genuinely is funny. He was last year and his comment on Liam Gallagher from Oasis will go down as one of his best quips! But no. James showed us the new statuette, which my sister claims looked like a Barbie doll dressed as a Roman Centurion. Which is quiet a bold statement seeing as it was designed by Vivienne Westwood. How could it have gone so wrong? It did look like a Barbie doll draped in a union flag. The old BRIT was gold. Now, as an effort to cut back on money (?), it's now made of polystyrene! Gold is sparkly and you can shine it when you get bored. What can do with polystyrene apart from rubbing it with more polystyrene and make snow?

And to an award. The first one was British Male Solo Artist. Nominations included: Mark Ronson, Paul Weller, Plan B, Robert Plant and Tinie Tempah. There's two heavies of classic rock in there - Paul Weller of The Jam and Robert Plant from the almighty Led  Zeppelin. Of course, in an ideal world, the award would have surely gone to either of them. But we don't live in an ideal world which meant the award actually went to Ben Drew aka Plan B - A whiney voiced, Dermot O'leary looky-likey, London 'soul-rapper' who describes himself as a male Amy Winehouse. Of all the people to compare yourself to, why Amy Winehouse? Surely he could have said someone with a bit more street-cred. He accepted his award, or at least I think he did. I dunno. He murmered into his microphone so we shall never know. Either that or he is actually the dullest person in the known world. It makes you think though...If this is Plan B, how badly did Plan A have to fail before Plan B was a feesable option?

We then cut to James Corden and his new best friend, Justin Bieber. There's a talk that involves why Justin is there (and presumably why he is still up way past his bedtime). It then ends with him groping James Corden's face which has to be the most unsettling thing I've seen on television this year. There is not enough brain-bleach in the world...

Our next award, British Breakthrough Act, was presented by Fearne "I'm-still-eleven-years-old" Cotton. The nominees: Ellie Goulding, Mumford & Sons, Rumer, Tinie Tempah and The XX. To be brutally honest, none of them deserve it because they've all, apart from Rumer and The XX, have had enough time to get established. The winner was the gorky glasses wearing, Patrick Okogwu. Not a very street name. Hence why he's known as Little Tantrum. No, I mean, Tinie Tempah (forgive the spelling mistakes). Probably down to the success of his album Overy of Discs but mostly down to the fact that Frisky and Pass Out are played every-damned-time I go to a nightclub. Why do popstars wear them big glasses? I'm sure they can a). pay for better glasses, b). pay for contact lenses or c). get lasered. The only person who can make them glasses look good is Buddy Holly. And he's a legend. My sister says that they look like 3D glasses with the lenses knocked out. Tinie, you should have gone to Specsavers.

The next award of the night was International Album. Nominations (I'm going to start sounding like I'm presenting the awards soon) are: Arcade Fire - The Suburbs, Cee Lo Green - The Lady Killer, Eminem - Recovery, Katy Perry - Teenage Dream and Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown. For a category in pop I would have to say Katy Perry should have won this but sticking to my band routes, I would have like Kings to have won. But no. They didn't. The Arcade Fire won. Whose voting for these? I've never heard anything by them. I've heard at least one song from the rest of them but nothing springs to mind from The Arcade Fire. "The guy in the weird blazer" told me to Google them. So I did. To find out who they were! This is what happens when America tries to imitate our precious Indie Rock. It's like DVD's from over there. It doesn't work!

Rihanna then did a performance in some spaghetti and set the stage on fire. Literally! Afterwards we were treated to the Critics Choice Award. No word of the nominees on the night - a bit harsh, it's their night too - but they were Jessie J, The Vaccines and James Blake. Jessie J won the award. Believe it or not, Jessie wrote songs for Miley Cyrus so cheesey pop is in her veins. And I thought Billy Ray Cyrus wrote them all...

Next on our agenda was a performance from past by Mumford & Sons who own a banjo. They sang about valleys and what-not and my eagle-eyed sister noticed that they were a bit like Cletus Spuckler from The Simpsons. "Brandine, I done busted my stink-bowl," "Hey I can call my Ma from up here...Hey Ma! Get off the dang roof" and "I cain't. I jus simply cain't" where all thrown around. I've said it before, banjo's don't work in 'bands' unless you're a blue-grass band or simply doing a one off like Travis did in Sing.Travis aren't Yokels for a start. It just all seems a bit too...erm...Deliverance to me! The less said about that, the better. But it was 3 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. That was the performance by the way...

It was all about the music this year (wasn't it last year?) and the next award showed us the nominations for International Male Solo Artist: Bruce Springsteen, Cee Lo Green, David Guetta, Eminem and Kanye West. Bruce Springsteen to win? Nah, who am I kidding? Cee Lo Green actually. Wait, this isn't too bad. He's one who deserves his award. Well done Cee Lo! But thankfully, it wasn't David Guetta, who just presses 'play.' Next...

A big one...British Single - Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull - All Night Long, Cheryl Cole - Parachute, Florence & The Machine - You’ve Got The Love, Matt Cardle - When We Collide, Olly Murs - Please Don’t Let Me Go, Plan B - She Said, Scouting For Girls - This Ain’t A Love Song, Taio Cruz - Dynamite, Tinie Tempah - Pass Out and The Wanted - All Time Low. None of them need this! And look at this...count them. There's 1...2...3...FOUR X Factor related songs there. Thankfully Little Tantrum walked away with award leaving Simon Cowell crying into his gold-leaf satin-velvet pillows. Swings and roundabouts! Patrick didn't make a very good speech. He wanted his good rapper friend Labrinth to join him on stage for this award. But Labrinth was no where to be seen. Maybe he had gone off in anger at not being nominated but his friend had twice. And won twice. This caused me and my sister to shout "get on with it!" at the screen.

After this encounter with the American Indie band (it doesn't work!) we go back to see what 14 year old Plan B could deliver. Honestly, he looked like more like Ben Mitchell when he was in court last year in EastEnders than a London rapper! There was a judge playing the drums too. Just like the real world. This soon turned into a riot. Again, more riot police. What is it with riot police? That's twice tonight. It ended with Plan's hand bleeding, people beating up other people (who we thought weren't part of the act. That would have been a turn up for the books...It was pretty brutal to say the least) and a guy being set on fire. Was it just me or was that just a little bit harsh for a squeeky clean award ceremony?

The award everyone was dreading, International Breakthrough Act. The nominees were: Bruno Mars, Glee Cast, Justin Bieber, The National and The Temper Trap. Lo and behold the little girl that is Justin Bieber won. I decided there and then that the British Music Industry really has taken a dive into shark invested hydrochloric acid. He can now add it to his collection of other dolls that he has. Who or what thinks that the best International Act to come out of America (because that is classed as "International" now-a-days) last year should be a 16-year-old lipstick-wearing boring untalented uneducated pre-broken voiced schoolboy?

Moving swiftly away from one girl to another for British Female Solo Artist. The acts nominated were: Cheryl Cole, Ellie Goulding, Laura Marling, Paloma Faith and Rumer. I have no idea who Laura Marling is, what style she sings and indeed what she sings. But Mastercard somehow do and so they awarded her with the BRIT. Sister says she could have made a bit more effort with her dress sense. Too true. She did look like she was on day release from the funny farm. And yes, that was the sound of a "National Treasure" hitting the bottle.

Finally, we got to hear a song by The Arcade Fire! Turns out they jump around a lot and have a keyboard player that looks like she hits shoe soles as percussion. And I still don't remember any of it. Must have been the reason why they won the award earlier.

James Corden went to speak with last years British Male Solo Artist, Mark Ronson (who is famous for covering other peoples songs). He said that his favourite band in the world had just played live on stage causing speculation that Mark is actually a suck-up. The voice over lady, who hasn't sounded excited at all tonight, told us to come back after the break as Tinie Tempah has an explosive performance coming up. Again wishfully thinking I waited. It wasn't as explosive as I thought. It featured a lot of Tinie clones and some bad lyrics and absolutely no explosions. I was disappointed

International Female Solo Artist was next up with Cheryl Cole presenting the awards. She appeared to be a bit tipsy. Ahh, nothing like drowning your sorrows when you don't win, eh Chezza? And she knew she wouldn't win this one because Newcastle isn't international. Yet. Nominees were: Alicia Keys, Katy Perry, Kylie Minogue, Rihanna and Robyn. Since Katy Perry didn't win the last award she was nominated then she deserved this one even more. Unfortunately it was given to Rihanna - famous of course for repeating a lot of the chorus. ("Umbrella-ella-ella", "Rude Boy-Boy", "Ooh na-na, what's my name" etc). Alright, I did think she deserved this though but still not as much as Miss Perry/Mrs Brand. Well done Rihanna-anna-anna-eh-eh-eh...

British Group was the next category. The acts that were nominated were: Biffy Clyro, Gorillaz, Mumford & Sons, Take That and The XX. There are two there I desperately wanted to win. Biffy Clyro have been the rock revolution that came early last year, way before uber-div Matt Cardle came along and ruined a wonderful song, so they should have won it, hands down. Gorillaz showed us that they can pack out Glastonbury and that Damon Albarn has still got his creative spark. But as with the way with things, neither of them got the award. Take That did. Robbie Williams said "Shabba" of the success. Shabba is Randomish for "good" according to the Urban Dictionary. Glad we're clear on this.

And finally! The last award of the night - the coveted MasterCard British Album of the Year. Here were the nominations: Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More, Plan B - The Defamation of Strickland Banks, Take That - Progress, Tinie Tempah - Disc-Overy and The XX - XX. Again, it was the same sh...ugar different award. None of them should own the award for Album of the Year. But The Fokel Yokel's got it. Bleeding Mumford & Sons. If this is what we're starting to like then God help us all! If music from the 14th century is what we British crave then I am ashamed of the music industry as it stands today. It looks like I won't be following the removal companies advice. I'll be sighing for a lot longer now. We needn't worry though because the night was wrapped up by Cee Lo Green and Paloma Faith which was a great ending to an atrocious ceremony.

My point is all my favourite songs from last year were mostly from America. Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, I'm pointing the finger at you. We have this rich heritage for epic music. From rock, we've had The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Queen, David Bowie, U2, Blur and Radiohead. From synthpop and dance we've had Duran Duran, Tubeway Army, Depeche Mode, Calvin Harris, The Chemical Brothers and FatBoy Slim. And then up to and through the 2000's we had Keane, Kaiser Chiefs, Franz Ferdinand, The Fratellis, Muse, Editors, Hard-FI and Coldplay. All of these still get airplay and in some cases are still at it. We can prove to the world we can make globally recognised music that is loved by anyone at anytime. Now it looks like all we can produce is some nobody who has won a talent contest because of a phone vote. Or the best band we can produce are 4 men who let their significant other back in because he's a bit strapped for cash. We don't make great tunes for 50 years and then give up because Simon Cowell says so. We can do it. We just need to get motivated otherwise the biggest award ceremony of the year will be the Grammy's...Which I'm pretty sure it is.

Alright...subject aside. I know I've come across as harsh with this, especially when I said that no one deserves the awards they deserve. I don't not like any of these acts, they're all in their own way, artists. I admire them as musicians, singers and performers (it's only when they start miming. That's when my blood starts to boil). And the truth is, no one deserves any award for music. That looks bad but it isn't because obviously everyone would be liked to recognised for what they do. Truth be told, if like me you enjoy creating music, playing it, doing whatever with it, your reward should ultimately be the success and reputation you've gained no matter how well known you are or not. That means that it's the chance to say "yes, this is mine. People are liking this, I am happy." You don't need a polystyrene Barbie doll to tell you 'you've done so-and-so well.' Musicians shouldn't be in it to make a quick buck. They should do it because they enjoy it. If people like it and you start getting copious amounts of money for it then let that be a bi-product. At the start of my music "career," way back when The Vaultz's MySpace page (yes, that long ago) was created, an instrumentalist got in touch with us mistakenly thinking we had recently performed a gig. I replied to him that there must have been some mix-up as we had only just started a week or so ago. He, and I was grateful for the advice he gave, said (and I shall probably keep this with me until the day I die) something like "Never EVER do it for the money because if you do, you will fail daily. Do it because you want to do it" and he wished us success for the future. It was probably common sense but it was hauntingly stuck. It was sound advice from this wise Gandalf of the music world, whoever he was. Of course, being recognised is great. It shows you if you're going in the right direction. But it's not the thing you should be fighting for. And with that I say...stick up ya middle finger and bring on the NME awards!

A month as told by Horoscopes - Week 2

Compared to last weeks abysmal predictions, I'm wondering if this week is going to be the same...What am I supposed to do? Do they tell the future? Or am I supposed to make it happen. Even if it's overtly difficult? Well, here we go again...

8th - What does it say?:
A family relationship may demand a lot of you, especially if it involves a new arrival. Even if love is the last thing on your mind, by the end of the day you could be making big plans with a partner. Single? The initial B is the key clue.

Was it all it said it was?:
Again, we're off to a bad start. No, it's not very clear is it? "If it involves a new arrival?" No. There was no new arrival today. And what do you mean "if?" It might as well as say "if it involves eating soup" or "dancing." This is the second time a new arrival has been expected in the space of a week! Are they re-using old tat? As for the B's, no B's or anything to remotely do with B. Apart from Backdoor. I went through it go to get some Bolognese. No big plans at the end of the day. No luck! And I don't see a family relationship can relying on me.

9th - What does it say?:
Mind planet Mercury goes into the hidden part of your chart so you can solve the mystery of how you feel about someone. When you visit a building for the first time, yet feel you know it, it's a strong sign you could work or live there. Single? You see the look of love in psychic eyes.


Was it all it said it was?:
Surprisingly, no. I'm starting to feel a little short changed with these. They promise the Earth but they give you a grotty housing estate. There isn't any mystery about how I feel about anyone. However, what isn't explained is how you can go about seeking these goals. Are they supposed to happen the day they are predicted? Or can one let them happen in the near future and keep it open-minded? I say that because within the next month I am going on a visit to Southampton's University and New College in Nottingham. Both of which will be new buildings. Both of which could possibly be where I live (or surrounding area). But if that's the case it may very well be the Tesco they're building on the opposite side of the road.

10th - What does it say?:
Knowing you're with people who want you to do well could bring out abilities you never knew you had. The moon gives you a true understanding of a family situation and you handle it well. When it comes to love, someone you think is just an acquaintance could become your perfect partner.

Was it all it said it was?:
Ooooohhhh, this isn't working. It's bum-rubbish! First of all, nothing came up about a family situation. Not even when Grandad paid a visit. And I've got loads of acquaintances. And anyone of them could be a perfect partner! Narrow it down for Jaysus sake.

11th - What does it say?:
Okay, admittedly, I forgot to write this one down. But what I can remember was "smile in a coffee shop for luck" or words to that effect...

Was it all it said it was?:
I didn't go to a coffee shop. To do that I would have to go to town and that's a bus ride away. There's a nearby Bistro but if the stars meant Bistro then they would have meant Bistro. I had to try make do with what I got given to me...I went to Asda ready to smile at anyone in the Café. Lo and behold, there was no one there. It's like they saw me arrive and duly left.


12th - What does it say?:
Mars moves through the hidden part of your chart and a passionate message could arrive in a mysterious way. You have exciting choices to make. The moon focuses on family life to add understanding and tolerance. The photo you take could reveal you have genuine talent.

Was it all it said it was?:
More about the moon and it's focuses. I have an exciting choice to make apparently. I can't think what that was. This is going back to the first horoscope I read on the 1st of February. I've got loads of exciting choices I could make...Not a slight clue? The last part of it makes sense a little, because I did take a photo today! It's of this!

If taking pictures of newspaper snippings for the purpose of making them easier to remember is a talent, the sign me up for Britains Got Talent!

13th - What does it say?:
Just how much responsibility you need - or want - to take could be an issue. Whether at work or on holiday, basic necessities might need more attention than usual. You might also wonder if you should let someone in on a 'secret'. The issue here could be about trust - and whether you'd then need to tell the person concerned about deals you've done in the past.

Was it all it said it was?:
We welcome back horoscope.co.uk's daily reading in the hope of being accurate. Or at least we wanted to. I have no secrets for a start. It is just words. I've read it numerous times and I can't figure out what it wants me to do. Sort out some basic necessities. Like what? You're being too vague. Fail. As far as I can see.

14th - What does it say?:
I missed it again. Sorry

Was it all it said it was?:
No, it isn't. It isn't there...Sorry

Website Watching: The Bradford Exchange

Alas, a fresh new topic to keep us all going! This is Website Watching. Like Advert Watching, Website Watching is me going through various websites and seeing what is what and why. There are a lot of websites on the internet; you may have been on some today. But there are sometimes hidden gems that get over looked or missed. So I am going to bring them into the light for you. For this post we start off with a shopping website called The Bradford Exchange. And yes, I will keep these posts clean, if you know what I mean...

The Bradford Exchange is an online shop that sells sought after collectibles. I originally wanted to start a post commenting on how bad advertising is inside magazines and newspapers was but I thought I needed to branch out a bit more. Bradford are one these many adverts. Thankfully, the website illustrated this factor even more and so we can happily continue...

It is a simple online shop. That's not such a bad thing these days. Look at Amazon and eBay etc. But where The Bradford Exchange differs from a normal shop is the fact that it sell nothing any sane person would want. Take for example, this:

It's a telephone. It's got that retro vibe about it - in a day and age of mobile and cordless phones, this is a throwback from the past to the present day. Or is it? A retro phone with a ckkkkkkkksshhh-chika-chika-chika-chika-chik rotary dial is cool. This isn't. Now, I love Elvis Presley as much as the next guy; he made great tunes that anyone can listen to to this day. But for Elvis to be immortalised as a phone? How do you explain it to other people? What makes it special? It doesn't have the rotary dial, so that's that crossed out. It's not cordless so that's that crossed out also. Here are some quotes from the websites actual description:

"A remarkable addition to your home or a unique gift for an Elvis fan, the Ultimate Elvis Presley Telephone is sure to attract strong demand"

"Now you can make the King of Rock 'n' Roll part of your daily life with this first-ever fully functional antique-style Ultimate Elvis Presley Telephone"

"REAL WORKING PHONE!"


Point one: A remarkable addition to your home - Really? It's tacky. No one wants tacky in their house. They want kitsch and quirky. Not tacky!
Point two: Attract strong demand - From who? I know Elvis was known for his ego but even he wouldn't have a phone with his face on it. Would he? No, definitely not.
Point three: Make the King part of your daily life. If the case states that Elvis needs to be in your life twennyfourseven, then, yes, fork out nearly £100 for this REAL WORKING PHONE! Not something that sits in the corner looking like a phone and doing nothing but collecting dust. Yes, it is an actual phone and it actually works!

Okay, Elvis maybe just a small bit of Americana, but Bradford go even further...with movie cowboy John Wayne. Here is a shopping list of the all John Wayne products from Bradford:

John Wayne Timeless Hero Wall clock - £99.96
John Wayne: Legends of the West replica rifle sheath Wall Decor - £79.96
John Wayne: An American Legend Knife - £29.99
John Wayne American Icon illuminating Cuckoo Clock - £149.95!
John Wayne American Legend Sculpture - £99.96
Badge of Honour shot glasses - £24.99
Lone Cowboy John Wayne 100th Anniversary Glass mug set - £59.97
John Wayne Centennial Collectors plate - £29.99
John Wayne The Duke Stained-Glass Table Lamp: Unique Home Decor - £179.95!!
The Duke John Wayne: American Hero Collectible Figurine - £59.98
John Wayne: An American Icon Collection - £49.98
John Wayne Bar Set - £149.95
The Duke Replica Pistol Wall Décor - £49.98
An American Legend Illuminated Lantern - £99.96
John Wayne: Galloping Thunder Sculpture - £49.98
John Wayne Stained-Glass Panorama - £99.96
John Wayne: Hero Of The West Limited Edition Illuminated Stained-Glass Panorama - £99.96
John Wayne: American Legend 16-inch Accent Lamp - £79.96
John Wayne : Courageous Lawman 100th Anniversary Glass Mug Set - £59.97
Handcrafted John Wayne Shot Glass Collection - £24.99
John Wayne Straight Shooter Collection - £49.98

(Page two and breath)

Hero For A Century Collector 100th Anniversary Plate Collection - £29.99
John Wayne Authentic Handcrafted Radio - £99.96
John Wayne Perpetual Calendar Collection - £29.99
John Wayne: Lawman - £79.96
‘The Duke’ Tribute Plaque - £99.96
John Wayne Thunder Across the Plains 100th Anniversary plate - £29.99
Hard-fired porcelain John Wayne Knives Collection - £29.99
John Wayne: An American Legend Glass Mug Collection - £59.97

For the hardcore John Wayne fan - and by hardcore, I mean you actually believe you are John Wayne himself - everything with his face on cost altogether £2089.17. I haven't even spent that on instruments. I know little about John Wayne. All that I do know is that he was mostly a cowboy actor and judging by his paraphernalia, he was a keen drinker; he lived in the dark; hated china plates and thought he was an 'American Icon.' Again, why would you want his face on your radio? Who looks at a radio for a start? What next? The John Wayne Laptop? Nobody needs that much rubbish unless you really are going crazy. But crazy enough for...Oh my giddy God! What the hell is that?!

I know the internet is full of weird and disturbing crap but this is a whole new realm of weird. Okay, maybe there is a market with John Wayne and Elvis but compared to something like this...Oh, I'd rather not know the person who spends another £100 buying what looks like the link Darwin missed out of the Evolution Chart. Little Umi is the creation of the demented Wendy Dickison. Honestly, she must have woke up one morning and literally thought "what isn't there enough of in the world? Buses? No, we've got a couple of them...Clouds? No, we've got them too. Weird monkey dolls...Nope, no one is that disturbing to make something as deranged as that. But wait. Just put some people clothes on it and it's normal. Hurray, let the money rolling begin!"
It goes on "...You'll be entranced by Little Umi's gentle eyes, thick dark lashes and her all-over wispy red hair, meticulously rooted by hand for a totally natural look." You actually mean to say that there is a man or woman putting the hairs on this thing for an actual job? How far do you have to stoop to do a job like that? Were they rejected from Mattel for being mad and putting too much hair on Barbie and so had to be moved to do this? It makes perfect sense. And as far as being entranced by the eyes, I think the term is insomnia. You will never want to sleep again because every time you close your eyes, you will see the dark ones of a weird chimp-child staring back at you. Get it away from me now with a random click.

Okay maybe it wasn't a random click but it was less disturbing than the thing on the previous page. It is worth a mention though. With the royal wedding looming this year, this has got be up there with the plates and Tea-towels.

Kate Middleton must be reveling in horror at this. A figurine of herself. She famously waited 9 years for Prince William to pop the question. After seeing this, she'll be hoping it was 10 years. Because another year will give her a chance to get so far away from things like this. It doesn't even look like her! We'll maybe if she'd been given a gallon of botox injected into her face. Or is that the expert hand painting. It's worth it's money though...twenty quid! I can't see Kate getting given one of these on her big day. Mainly because she already knows what she looks like, never mind being a figurine. Expect the unused ones to be turned into 'The Royal Collection: Cheryl Cole - The Peoples Princess from the Telly.' And, why oh why oh why hasn't William been turned into a porcelain model? Probably got something to do with if he wants it doing then so would Harry. And then they're dad. And eventually the Queen and Albert. And then it'll go into the minor royals like Zara Phillips and Sarah Furguson and Camilla. I think they're trying to cash in on it in case something disastrous happens. Like a divorce. Just goes to show; you should have beaten William to it. You had 9 years! But you failed to ask Kate to marry you so you don't feel left out, you can now own your own Kate Middleton.

Oh no...I don't believe this...A question has been answered!

Well that answers that ol' chestnut. The same weirdo's buying Kate Middleton are the same people buying the chimp-child.

Now, moving cheaply on, The Kate thing was priced at just under £20. So what about the not so pricey gifts. The answer is don't buy them either. They are just as bad as each other. There's nine pages of the rubbish. They can't sell it so they bang down the price and see what happens. I can't list them all, I'm sorry. If you want to buy a gift for someone, don't rule this out but put it at the top of the list then put Toys R Us next because the toy shop will have more you want. I guarantee that. Go to Toys R Us and see what I mean. You will find something of 1) value, 2) entertainment, 3) that has character and 4) isn't tacky. You can the get it out of the way and done and never return!

On the plus side I do like how the website subtly and subconsciously tries to make you buy their stuff with a notice at the side that says "you do not have any products in your shopping basket yet," and I can't for the life of me see why...

You can visit the Bradford Exchange at http://www.bradford.co.uk/. Although I don't suggest you do.

A month as told by Horoscopes - Week 1

Recently, whilst reading through the newspaper, I got to the horoscope section, next to the Wallace and Gromit cartoon. It made a prediction that I thought would change my life and indeed my opinions on the Stars and this weird planetary reading thing once and for all. It predicted that I, as a Piscean, would have 'lotto luck.' I went out and bought a lottery ticket, one line of numbers chosen by myself and a lucky dip. I was waiting in anticipation for the Lottery to come up. Turns out, I had just wasted £2 on a worthless piece of paper and unlike someone, I was going back to work on the Monday. Is it a ply? Do they actually work? Are people as gullible than me? From that experience I would say avoid them like James Corden avoids a salad bar. But that was only one experience of a horoscope. So, over the next 28 days (the least amount of days in a month, thank you February) I've taken it upon myself to publish all of the days readings from The Sun and horoscopes.co.uk for Sunday because the News of the World don't publish them (as far as I'm aware. I tried to look for theirs on their website but it just kept told me to spend money to see the page. Oh nonono) and see if they do show some truth that the stars hold the answers for love, life and some other third thing beginning with L. Or if they are a L...L...L...load of bullrubbish. Oh dear, what have I let myself into?

February 1st - What it says:
Mind planet Mercury helps you focus on your plans instead of being distracted by others - and you can make exciting progress. The moon in the most sociable part of your chart gives you tantalising love choices to make. Luck links you to a Gemini friend.

Was it all it said it was?:
Well, day one hasn't got the greatest wording ever. But focusing on the points I can see none of them making sense. My plans? I have loads of plans at the moment, for example - do I buy a new computer? Should I buy a VW Polo or consider an alternative? What is for dinner tonight? But I like the fact that I could make exciting progress with it, whatever it is. As for the moon, it may be the sociable but not the most desirable. Not when it's compared to say, Jupiter. Jupiter is bigger and a lot more colourful than our Lunar. Unless, it's more centred on my search for a job, which was my main focus of yesterday. It's a day behind. Don't tell me what's already happened! I can do that with my memory. And I can't think of a Gemini friend who is going to help me in my search for what I want for dinner...Nil points so far, I'm afraid.

February 2nd - What it says:
Your inner strength is doubled by Mars and a fresh start will get a precious project moving again. Being the first to say you think a relationship has a future feels like a gamble but it's the one you could win. Single? When a face from the past reappears you both could feel love. Luck travels north.

Was it all it said it was?:
Well, if I'm honest, part of it yes. "A fresh start will get a precious project moving again," it says. Since working in a soulless factory, I had no time for myself. I would literally get home and run people over on Grand Theft Auto IV, have dinner, watch telly and go to bed meaning my music was put on hold. Now that I don't work anymore (Not something I'm planning on doing forever) I can get back into my music and tonight I started writing a chorus to a tune I've had in the pipe works since last year. I've started the precious project again so to speak. Or could it be something to do with me tidying my room which I started but never finished? Hmmmm, both could be liable. I'm going to go with the music stuff. However the rest of it is naff. I didn't really see any faces today, apart from my own and I'm not that vain. Luck travels north. The furthest north I've been today is the other side of the settee. And that didn't make me feel luckier. So, slightly good but bad overall. Thank you Mars.

February 3rd - What it says:
You are in touch with other people's secret feelings now the moon sharpens your intuition. This makes you a good friend and an amazing partner. A fresh attempt to get along with a new face in the family will succeed this time. Single? Your ideal love has a gift for interpreting dreams.

Was it all it said it was?:
No. None of this is relatable. I like the fact that it makes me a good friend and an amazing partner BUT there is no new face in the family from either side, mother or father, and if I could find someone who can tell me what I was on when I dreamt that I was working behind the scenes on a TV show and crashing a high-rised train into a car with Norris from Coronation Street then that should be a God send regardless of being an ideal love or not. I think it was something to do with the cheese...It was either too much or not enough.

February 4th - What it says:
Now you can balance keeping a partner happy and finding time for your own friendships and projects. Single? The moon in your personality chart will love match you with another Pisces. Your blend of intuition and logic helps you find the answer you need to be a winner.

Was it all it said it was?:
It's not accurate from the start. I don't have a partner. In a nutshell it was basically what it said yesterday. What is my personality chart? I somehow imagine a wall poster with the days of the weeks and "be (emotion)" like Monday - Be happy, Tuesday - Be thoughtful etc. All I can see with this is "Be unimpressed." I can find the answers to be a winner. I'm not falling for that old chestnut again. With losing the lottery like last time.

February 5th - What it says:
Venus checks in to the most sociable part of your chart and though you say you're just friends, there is love potential. In a relationship? The moon brings extra trust and passion. The family member furthest from you has extraordinary news just for you. Luck links to a local radio station.

Was it all it said it was?:
Pretty much the same? Yes. I don't like how they keep asking if I'm single. Yes, I am! Stop asking me. It's like a forceful peer saying "haven't you done the paper, YET!?" I'll get round to it, I've just got stuff on my mind. The moon is getting involved quite a lot by delivering extra trust and passion. Well it must have delivered it whilst I wasn't in because I got bleeding none of it. And I was waiting for this extraordinary news all day. That also must have came when I was out. But luck links to a local radio station. Lincs FM and Radio Lincolnshire are the only local radio stations. And they're really dull. I should have taken it upon myself to listen to it to see if there was any luck but I've got standards.

February 6th - What it says:
You might be energised by those born under Aries and Aquarius. Turning things around is likely - but at a literal level could damage your back. Involvement in a lively discussion about education is probable. You might prefer to choose someone with experience over qualifications for a task. Emotionally too you could be affected by someone's decision to change direction.

Was it all it said it was?:
This was all new. On the face it looked legit. After all, it is from Horoscope.co.uk. Firstly, I was born under Aries and Aquarius - my mum and dad. My word, this is more accurate. And that's where it ends. There's nothing there that's working here. But with that in mind, there's no "why aren't you married yet?" rubbish. I might start using these more often. They could work...and they're easier to copy and paste.

February 7th - What it says:
Clever Mercury helps you recognise respect can be just as important as liking people. This helps you work well with someone who can seem difficult. In your love life more trust means more passion. Single? A new face, with a name you recognise, would be an adventurous choice.

Was it all it said it was?:
Mercury is now clever.  I haven't worked with a difficult person in a long time so this hasn't hit the nail on the head I'm afraid. Again with me being single...I get it! No new faces, no recognisable names, no adventurous choices.

So a week gone, three more to go...next post