People write the strangest things...

...And no, I'm not just on about myself. Hahaha!

In fact I was reading The Sun newspaper, as you do, last Thursday. I then came to the letters page very near the back of the paper and couldn't help but laugh at why somebody had spent their own time to send the following message [in regards to Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay's outburst during his stint on the X Factor-y towards Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole]:

Jay Kay is a fool to break the golden rule of showbiz which is to never criticise other performers. His ignorant rant was not based on fact but rather his own perception. Dannii Minogue has more broad-based talent than JK. She is by turns a singer, dancer, actor, model, author, mother, fashion designer, TV presenter and judge and mentor on two prime-time TV shows on two continents, not to mention her chart success.


I looked at it and thought that this was metaphorical heaven and blog-post gold. Let's break up this silly mans (it is a man) letter to The Sun and enjoy it for it's comedy value and why he's wrong. Starting with point one;

Jay Kay is not a fool to break the rule in showbiz about criticising other performers. It happens all the time. A critisism can be a positive or negative view. Not being able to have your own humble opinion on anything if you're in the public eye is impossible; anything you will say, it will probably end up in Heat magazine or some bullcrap like that. Yes, Jay's opinion was negative but there is no one there stopping him from saying it

I'd say, in Jay's defense that he was correct when he said that both Cheryl and Dannii were useless. They are...but lo...Mr. Newspaper-posty-man gives a detailed list on what Dannii Minogue has done in her career. Singing, dancing, actor, etc. But she hasn't sung in donkey's years; she acted in Aussie soaps so we don't know how bad she was (I'm guessing very); anyone can write a book but she didn't even do that by herself; she may be a model but with a face full of creosote and collagen or whatever it's called, it just makes natural models look better; and to make matters worse, she is a judge on car crash telly that is fighting a losing battle to the Grim Reaper. And what chart success? Apart from the UK Dance Charts because Australia didn't want it. Even album sales... 7 million worldwide album sales for Miss Minogue. No, not like her better sister, Kylie ("I want to be famous like my sister nowwwww!"). Mr Kay on the other hand has 25 million worldwide...

Jay's new album even charted at number 7 in the album charts on Sunday. Agreed, 7th isn't the best place to enter the charts but at least it's in the top 10. Dannii? Where's yours this decade? Oh and the guy who posted his letter didn't even mention poor Cheryl which just goes to show that someone out there thinks less of Cheryl than the "British Nation."

With figures like that impressive 25 mil', Jay is in the right place to criticise! I take my massively oversized, silly hat off to you Mr James Kay. Seems that Dannii really is a jack of all trades sort of person. And master of absolutely sod all!

Epiphany IV

Maybe there was something else that needed to happen in Music. Or at least something different on my behalf. I therefore decided that since rock was going to be my audible delight, pop should be my main area of expertise.

There is reasoning behind this madness. You look at the top 40 singles charts as it stands today. Guitar based bands aren't up there anymore and if there are, there's only a few. I realised that if any money was to be made it would be made in pop. Pop has so much character to it and it can branch off anywhere whilst still being pop. But, I am not saying for one instance that rock doesn't have character. It's a different sort of character compared to modern day pop music. For example, pop can feature the standard band set up such as guitars, bass, vocals and drums. But you can then spread that to include pianos, keyboards, sythesizers, stringed instruments, acoustic guitars, samplers...all laden with effects. Listen to Katy Perry's California Gurls. In there you have the band instruments. The guitars and bass are very funky and very varied throughout. Then you have the synth pads that add another texture. You've then got Snoop rapping in the middle 8. There's a vocoder in there. You've got all these creative elements. You can't have a vocoder in rock band because, although it would be cool, it would have its limits. Pop can then extend into Dance, Trance and House. Chemical Brothers, Daft Punk, Fatboy Slim and certain Lady Gaga songs include these styles. And it's not just pop songs either, there's remixes and club tunes too. When people goes out to paint the town red, the songs that play get them people moving. They either like it a lot or they're very drunk (normally the latter, and yes, I have used this phrase before). But either way, they're enjoying it. It's the atmosphere it creates. It 3 minutes worth of mad dancing, whereas rock could be anything from quick-paced to really moving, depending on the style. I also love remixes too because they may be created from other works but there is still the creativity behind it. A cover can be a different interpretation of a song. A remix is more like a different creation of the same song. Even better if it's a mashup. And the best thing is, some of them seem so easy to create.

After being shown an article in Sound on Sound by my music teacher, I got really interested in becoming a producer. Producers such as StarGate have created songs for Rihanna and this is something I would like to do. This was when I found out that the magic answer was pop music. And the more of the rawkess side of pop, like I say clubtunes and Dance. My next step was to start experimenting with it.

The school had a little analogue USB synthesizer; a Korg MS-20ic. It was a gordy looking synth with huge dials, little keys and button that didn't do anything. It was hooked up to the computer and ran through a music programme called Cubase. The schools version of Cubase had some plug-ins on the soundcard which allowed the synthesizer to act as a USB keyboard so I could essentially play through the computer and changed the sounds on screen as well adjust with dials. I loved playing around with the oscillations to get these 'growing and pulsing' synth sounds. I found a collection of the sounds that I liked and made a note of them. Then, in my own time, I made up a very simple chord line and song structure. Over the next few weeks I worked frantically on this synth driven dance song that could make Cascada run for the hills. The result was fascinating; it sounded so professional and was very surprising that it only took 5 weeks to go from simple idea to a finished track. This was used in my BTEC Music technology course and was probably what got me my high marks. Or so I like to think. I did even write lyrics to this song, which at the moment is called Stop, for intended use on a female vocalist. I asked a few girls I knew to sing over it but sadly I got turned down. Their loss. But this goes to show. In 5 weeks, I got a fully created tune. Albeit, it was an instrumental, but a tune none the less. And I did it all including the drums. I have never been known for my drumming ability, but with a dancey-poppy sort of song, it's easy to make a drum track. All you need is a booming bass drum sound, handclaps, snares and a few cymbals and that is essentially it. Put them into any rhythm and that's that. It's so easy. And, it wasn't the only pop based work I was doing at the time either.

Another song I was creating was a rework of Katy Perry's Hot n Cold using her vocal track and the result was my interpretation of the hit song. It used guitars, basses and a real kit. You could even say that this was essentially a remix. I theory, it is. I know it was a cover but it still had my creative element in there as I had to find certain sounds my Telecaster could create; find a synth line that worked (I ended up using an arpeggiated synth line); and I included a solo, which the original doesn't have. So, yes, it was a cover, but it was my cover. And I got to boast that I was 'working with Katy Perry.' I just wish I knew how lucky I was.

Driving - The Test

I've just read my Driving posts from March and there's a reason for this. To see what I did in the past to compare it with yesterdays drive. It was then that I realised that in the last post I said I passed my theory test. That was in August. It's now October. Turns out I wasn't as good a driver as what I thought I was so I had to move my test back. This was a good thing. Or was it? It turned out my test was on the 4th of October; the same day the driving test got changed. The change was half an hour of standard directional driving from the examiner and then 10 minutes of independent driving. No instructions; just get from one point to another following a map or signs. One maneuver was taken out so that left only one to do in the test. I thought it was a lot easier to be honest.

So then, test day. No whisky for dutch courage, this was the real thing. I got picked up by Alan at 11:30 on the Monday morning to do a recap of everything from all reversing maneuvers to the emergency stop. Everything. I've come such a long way since the first lesson and to tell you the truth, I was bloody nervous. My first attempt n'all...
I drove to the test centre and parked up and waited for my examiner. Dave Slim, his name was. He was an old timer so the emergency stop was well out of the question. I did my eye test, (I didn't have to unlock the car door. It didn't turn up on the test) and the 'show me/tell me' question and then we were on our way. Well, what to say. Only one maneuver. And it was my all time favourite; a turn in the road, done seamlessly! Fantastic! Ironically, part of the test was done following the route I did in the morning, with a few stop/starts thrown in along the way. Then we came up to a roundabout. I knew how to tackle roundabouts in the past but this one threw me off completely. I did the unthinkable. The unreasonable. The damnright silly! I stalled! I did not want to do that. But I got the car started and I went off behind some houses. After trundling along at 30mph down a road I got told to pull over. This was the start of the independent driving part. I got given the directions to follow and then I set off. I got to another roundabout and didn't stall. But got marked down on hesitancy, but more on that later. I then proceeded down past my own house and onto the A46 single carriageway. This mean another roundabout which was done perfectly. Down the 46 is went, slamming it into 5th but keeping to the limit. I didn't go above 60, which was a shame. But I knew that at the end of this was another roundabout and then homeward bound. If only a Polish car hadn't pulled out, dramatically plummeting my speed to 30mph. I finally got to the roundabout and turned straight in without stopping. I then drove back to the test centre and finished.
Dave then said rather slowly, "What I'm going to do is tell you where your good points were and bad points and show you them and how they correspond to my examiners criteria...oh by the way, you've passed"
Wait, when breaking news, you say that first!



FIRST!


Not last!

But I passed. I didn't want to but I did! I was ecstatic! I could hardly believe my luck! I got 6 minors and no majors. First time! Heavens forbid, I can hardly believe it now. They took away my license. I'm now waiting to a brand new pink full license. I can now drive any car. There is not going to be anyone sitting to my left that is going to criticise me on every little thing. Of course, I'm going to be safe. I'm going to be very safe. I haven't got a car. But the fact goes, I did when I didn't believe I could. It just goes to show: Every cloud. Every single cloud! Every one of them...
Every cloud has a Diesel Weasel!

 Wait...what?

Epiphany V

Finally, the last in the series of The Epiphanies, for now. So, let's look at the options I have and how they weigh up...

Well, firstly, there's the fact that I would like to become a record producer. That way it would give me the freedom of still having knowledge of playing instruments and how they should sound in the studio. Playing live is brilliant fun but I would rather come out of the limelight and let someone else take the glory. That's the thing - I've played as a frontman and as an instrumentalist and both are immense fun with the latter being a lot easier as not all the focus is on the rhythm guitarist; I cannot stress that enough. But with being a producer, there is some responsibility but it's not like they have to be on top of it all and to be always focused on the audience and critiques. It is like it feels a lot better whilst still generating the same sort of buzz. Of course, when the time arises, I can still step back into frontman mode. Another thing is that although I'd be writing songs, I probably won't get all the glory for it and I don't particularly want to become a Mark Ronson or David Guetta (more on him later), because they should really stay behind the scenes. In all honesty, I would like the credit but have the credit anonymously. That may sound silly and somewhat impossible but it's not. The name Jimmi Cottam would be credited as songwriter/composer but the singer wouldn't be. And, I know, I have a thing about artists should write their own songs and not have someone else do it, but really, that sort of thing happens all over the place nowadays. In essence the vocals would be treated as another instrument. Another colour in the palette to work with.
Rock has now become my listening interest. Love the stuff. Always will. But with pop, I can still use parts of rock and fuse it with something else to make it better (or worse).

I'm feeling comfortable with this sort of project though because there is so much to choose from in the area of Popular Music. So comfortable in fact that I have started using my Yamaha PSR-540 keyboard a lot more. With that I wrote a song called Desiderium (Can't Carry On). This is totally different to what I've done ever before; a million miles away from Delayed Finality but still a thousand miles away from my first effort, Stop. I had never wrote a piano ballad before. I hadn't really wrote a ballad before. I had never wrote a piano song before. With it being a ballad, I could use the same customs that I used in my previous songs. And that's not all...Whilst recording a group singing David Guetta and Kid Cudi's terrible song Memories, I decided that the piano motif in that was very simple and I thought to myself "let's totally rip that off." So I did; I used 3 notes just like the bassline of Memories. That's one idea in the pipeline. Another idea is similar to Stop; a heavy grinding synthpop tune. And then there's the song I've had that's been called New One for a while. This was going to be a Delayed Finality song but never really got going. So maybe I could adapt it and create a new song altogether. But wait, there's more! I'm also planning on making a Trance rework of In the Hall of the Mountain King by Edvard Grieg. I like classical music, especially the really dark and brooding stuff. Except this is going to be my creation. I could then sell it to Alton Towers or something. And then there's a planned idea for me to remix one of Rowan's songs from his recent album. That's a few projects to keep me active. I've even got a name planned out. Don't laugh. Parallel Dimension Productions - ParaDime for short. So...what could be stopping me? Ah, yes.

As it stands I have 5 guitars and one keyboard. I am currently looking into buying a proper synthsizer to sit on top of my Yamaha; a Korg MicroKorg. And then I would need the various equipment to hook up my instruments to my laptop. And then I need the software. And then I need the laptop. I have a laptop. Well, it resembles a laptop. It's got a massive crack in the back of the screen and as a result, it doesn't stand up properly. I've had to put a pair of comical googly eyes on it to remind myself not to close it, otherwise it would die. 'C' doesn't like working and 'O' likes to jump out of the keyboard. There is no space on the disk drive. I only have 200-odd songs on here and few written documents. I have no idea what's clogging it up. I even had to delete some fabulous parks when I uninstalled Roller Coaster Tycoon 2. So, I'll need a new laptop. BUT, as with most of the things I've done/taken part in over the past 3/4 years, I've remained optimistic. So, when I get these sorted out, I'm going to see what I can offer the world! Who knows? I may become revolutionary. Or even evolutionary. I'm going to stand by my guns though. I'm going to see what I can do. For this is my epiphany - When something else doesn't go to plan or something gets in the way, stop, re-asses, see how it could be tackled or take a different route. You could surprise yourself. And here's another epiphany...That was a really tacky ending! Oh. My...

Rowan and Jimmi: Chippy Adventure

"The first adventure; an epic quest to buy some chips from the Chip Shop"

I thought it was time to release the weird and wonderful world of Rowan and Jimmi onto the Observation Blog but somewhat highly unfortunate YouTube and it's copyright laws or something wanted them taken off their site. What a swizzle! However, they're not going to stop me posting my brilliant posts. What I will do is link you directly to the *sleek and smart website that is blaktornado.com This is Rowan's playground. On it features his own videos, music, animation and of course Rowan and Jimmi. He has been mentioned a few times in some of my posts and now is your chance to see his face. I'm going to release a different adventure every month! It'll be something to look forward to until the end of the year. And, I'm going to add some production notes and trivia because I want to do my own version of IMDB. But not goofs because it's hard to know where they start and end...

* - Flattery gets you nowhere, kids!

Click here for part one of Chippy Adventure
Click here for part two of Chippy Adventure
Click here for part three of Chippy Adventure

Production Notes

• I had no idea what was going to happen. I originally thought it was going to be another one of Rowan's Vlog that wouldn't have been as long as this. 
• Rowan says the word 'brilliant' 16 times.
• The 'David...David...David Beckham' sequence is inspired by psychic mediums on a ghost hunt. We were in a haunted wood after all!
• The "...and here we see" sequence is inspired by David Attenborough. 
• The return bus ticket is dated 20 Dec 2007 - 07:59am and is ticket number 2510
• Rowan say's that it's Christmas a number of times throughout. It was filmed on the 21st of December which is Christmas, so he is correct. And it also meant it was bloody cold!
• Rowan did all of his own stunts. 
• This is very heavily inspired by The Blair Witch Project. In fact, some people also say that that due to the success of the Rowan and Jimmi series, it lead to the creation of Paranormal Activity!
• The sound of something metal hitting something else was actually me knocking off the street sign. I did my own vandalism. 
• I thought the end credits worked rather well with the Gremlins theme.
• We never actually see some chips. In fact, I don't recall buying chips!

The next adventure in the series is In The City

The Vending Machine - A Bible Story

This tale goes back many years. Around about 1 or 2. It slips my mind as to when it happened, but it really happened. It's a true(ish) story! Unlike some bible stories, depending on your beliefs...


The day was unclear in the commoners room. The Vending Machine was used on many occasion to replenish peoples thirst. It gave the people such gifts as Orange Juice and Chocolate Yazoo and many of these people ventured on a pilgrimage across the Room to the Vending Machine with their hard earned money to be free the thirst demon that had burrowed into their souls. They would put in their money and feathered the buttons of their choice. Their call would be answered and a beverage would be delivered...in a split second of an instance. Many people thought this was witchcraft and so opted to take the even longer pilgrimage to the holyland supermarket know as Ahz-Dah for their treasure but this didn't bother the people of The Vending Machine as they would rather have the convenience than the journey.

Days went by and people of The Vending Machine purchased their wanted goods but unbeknown to the people of The Vending Machine, the Devil was nearby playing his dastardly tricks. Some say he put a curse on the people of The Vending Machine to make them buy all the treats. Others say the Devil merely bought everything in The Vending Machine. Whatever the reason was, The Vending Machine was getting emptier and emptier by the day. The people of The Vending Machine started to panic. And then one day, it had ran out of Yazoo. Even Banana which wasn't as popular as Chocolate. In fact, it had run out of everything. It was empty and the people of The Vending Machine were so afraid. Some opted to venture to Ahz-Dah but many did not return from the traitorous journey. Days went by and it looked liked The Vending Machine will forever be empty; it would just stand there, showing future generations that the Devil has overcome the people, for an empty Vending Machine meant that Evil had overcome Good. The people of The Vending Machine were getting so scared they all prayed:
"Thine thirst demon is taking over...I can't carry on. I may have to go to Ahz-Dah, but I do not want to walk"
"Oh holy Lord...Please give us and our people guidance. Ahz-Dah is too far. And thine Spar of Eden is far too expensive for our wage"
"Times are getting hard now dear Lord. We cannot venture like this. We need an answer."
It seemed like it was the end for the people of The Vending Machine but their prayers were answered.

One morning, a beam of light burst down from the clouds. The people thought it was an angel about to land but before they could say anything, the automatic doors swung open and in the doorway stood a figure. Many were blinded by the light but they could make out that this figure was a man. He spoke to the people of The Vending Machine:
"Hark!" he said. "I am a prophet. I come from a distant place. Do not be afraid, for I am here to help you and your situation. I have been sent from the sacred supplies Warehouse to answer your prayers and I bring good tidings of beverages for your delight." The man walked through the door whilst the people covered their faces with their hands, still not knowing who this man was and what he was here for. As he walked through the door, he pulled along a trolley. On this trolley was all the Yazoo flavours, Orange Juice, Apple Juice, and mineral water that the people of The Vending Machine could have asked for. He approached The Vending Machine and took out a key from his pocket.
"Devil! I cast ye away from Thine Vending Machine. For Thou hast been a burden on thine peoples lives for too long"
He opened The Vending Machine with his key and the accounts from the people are hazy. Some say the man battled the Devil out of The Vending Machine. Other say he stocked up The Vending Machine so well, the Devil couldn't cope and so ran away in horror. The man then packed up his belongings as said:
"People of Thine Vending Machine! There is nothing to worry about. Your problems have been dispersed. Evil has gone and I have bought back the Good. Look" pointing at The Vending Machine. The people looked and there was an almighty flash of light as the people stared in awe of their beloved Vending Machine. The Vending Machine was full of beverages once again. The people then killed their thirst demons and turned around. The figure with the trolley had vanished...

Nobody knew what happened that day but one thing for sure, Evil was no longer present and The Vending Machine as result, was no longer empty.

Amen

Epiphany III

The school had given me a fair amount of experience. I could litterally use it for any area of expertise. Engineering; Production; Live Sound; Live Light; Instrumentalist and so on. As with the music, over the year, I became involved in more than just rock. I joined NK's Jazz Band for a bit of fun; to see what it was like. But as the weeks rolled on, I found that the Jazz Band was more than that. I had never played as an ensemble before ever. This was a big band. We played old songs. I had never played a song in that was older than me before in front of an audience. Any songs that I played were either songs I had written or songs that Rowan had written. These songs were Glen Miller hits from the 40's. I loved that Jazz band and wish I had joined earlier. Apparantly, Matt Jackson, a friend of mine who played the bass for the band, asked me to join in year 11. I can't remember any of that...But it showed that I could do something like this. It was a long way from alternative rock band to Big Jazz band. We played at a competition and won and then we did a concert at in the schools Theatre; the Terry O'Toole; the first time I had played to an entirely different audience. The one thing I got from this was that I still wanted to play an instrument. I'm waffling, this isn't where I'm wanting to go with this, but it's still important...

In May, as part of work experience, I got the chance to help out at a prolific recording studio in Lincoln. I was aiding in recording a metal band called Kallous. They were pretty tallented and some of the nicest guys to ever meet; you wouldn't believe they were these hardcore growly metalheads. I did litterally get the chance to record them. Soundcheck and press record and all that. It was brilliant but like I said before, I wanted to also play an instrument which isn't always possible with working in a studio. If you want to play an instrument, you join a band. Hmmm, kinda difficult now...I wanted to work in a studio. But then I had another epiphany. I didn't really want to involved with rock anymore. I love rock music, don't get me wrong. But as a creative element, there's only so far you can go. I realised this whilst recording drums for Kallous. Because there was so many patterns, we had to find where a mistake was and go back to that point and do it all again. I hadn't lost interest in rock, I just couldn't see myself working with it. Rock is about not caring about the rules. Or at the very least, bending them, not being told what to do. It was after this I thought that rock would be a lot happier confined to those who know how to do it and do it well. Delayed Finality could do it well but Lincoln's rock scene is massive. Trying to get noticed in a big pool of rock (Rock pool?) is a lot harder. Yes, there's different styles of rock that were out there but under an umbrella term, they are all rock. Alternative, Heavy, Metal and Indie are all rock. As for everything else, there's nothing. Not saying that rock gets boring after a while but these Lincoln bands are all the same styles. 3/4/5 pieces with vocals, distorted guitars, bass, drums and occasionally keyboards. Rock is big and a lot of people like it but it isn't the only choice. Maybe there was another way? Maybe a breakaway was needed?