The British music industry; once thriving with rock 'n' roll, Britpop, punk, synthpop of the 70's and 80's and of course cheesy 90's pop! There must be an award ceremony every year celebrating the best of the past years great music. These are musicians; music is an art and there are those who should be awarded for their contributions. But, that was in the past. This is 2011 where the music found in the charts is nothing like what it used to be. It's no surprise then that this years BRIT's I thought should have been spelt with a 'Sh' because oh my word was it a shamble. Admittedly, nothing went wrong, as an award ceremony it went the way it should have done. Perfect. The thing with it was the actual awards and who they went to...Ah. We do have a bit of a problem.
Set the scene at the beginning of the night. Filmed in the glorious O2 "Millennium Dome" Arena, the award ceremony was in-under way with a performance of Kids from manband, Take That. This was their first BRIT's as a 5 piece since reforminglab and you could tell Robbie Williams was there. He was the one that tried to out-do the other 4, ergo, not very well. Things started to take a turn for the weird when a million riot police officers entered the stage. I thought everything was going to kick off. No. They started dancing! If only they did this during the recent education fees riots.
Enter next, stage right, James Corden, the host! Big guy but strangely doesn't follow the formula for 'Fat = Funny.' What was wrong with Peter Kay? He genuinely is funny. He was last year and his comment on Liam Gallagher from Oasis will go down as one of his best quips! But no. James showed us the new statuette, which my sister claims looked like a Barbie doll dressed as a Roman Centurion. Which is quiet a bold statement seeing as it was designed by Vivienne Westwood. How could it have gone so wrong? It did look like a Barbie doll draped in a union flag. The old BRIT was gold. Now, as an effort to cut back on money (?), it's now made of polystyrene! Gold is sparkly and you can shine it when you get bored. What can do with polystyrene apart from rubbing it with more polystyrene and make snow?
And to an award. The first one was British Male Solo Artist. Nominations included: Mark Ronson, Paul Weller, Plan B, Robert Plant and Tinie Tempah. There's two heavies of classic rock in there - Paul Weller of The Jam and Robert Plant from the almighty Led Zeppelin. Of course, in an ideal world, the award would have surely gone to either of them. But we don't live in an ideal world which meant the award actually went to Ben Drew aka Plan B - A whiney voiced, Dermot O'leary looky-likey, London 'soul-rapper' who describes himself as a male Amy Winehouse. Of all the people to compare yourself to, why Amy Winehouse? Surely he could have said someone with a bit more street-cred. He accepted his award, or at least I think he did. I dunno. He murmered into his microphone so we shall never know. Either that or he is actually the dullest person in the known world. It makes you think though...If this is Plan B, how badly did Plan A have to fail before Plan B was a feesable option?
We then cut to James Corden and his new best friend, Justin Bieber. There's a talk that involves why Justin is there (and presumably why he is still up way past his bedtime). It then ends with him groping James Corden's face which has to be the most unsettling thing I've seen on television this year. There is not enough brain-bleach in the world...
Our next award, British Breakthrough Act, was presented by Fearne "I'm-still-eleven-years-old" Cotton. The nominees: Ellie Goulding, Mumford & Sons, Rumer, Tinie Tempah and The XX. To be brutally honest, none of them deserve it because they've all, apart from Rumer and The XX, have had enough time to get established. The winner was the gorky glasses wearing, Patrick Okogwu. Not a very street name. Hence why he's known as Little Tantrum. No, I mean, Tinie Tempah (forgive the spelling mistakes). Probably down to the success of his album Overy of Discs but mostly down to the fact that Frisky and Pass Out are played every-damned-time I go to a nightclub. Why do popstars wear them big glasses? I'm sure they can a). pay for better glasses, b). pay for contact lenses or c). get lasered. The only person who can make them glasses look good is Buddy Holly. And he's a legend. My sister says that they look like 3D glasses with the lenses knocked out. Tinie, you should have gone to Specsavers.
The next award of the night was International Album. Nominations (I'm going to start sounding like I'm presenting the awards soon) are: Arcade Fire - The Suburbs, Cee Lo Green - The Lady Killer, Eminem - Recovery, Katy Perry - Teenage Dream and Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown. For a category in pop I would have to say Katy Perry should have won this but sticking to my band routes, I would have like Kings to have won. But no. They didn't. The Arcade Fire won. Whose voting for these? I've never heard anything by them. I've heard at least one song from the rest of them but nothing springs to mind from The Arcade Fire. "The guy in the weird blazer" told me to Google them. So I did. To find out who they were! This is what happens when America tries to imitate our precious Indie Rock. It's like DVD's from over there. It doesn't work!
Rihanna then did a performance in some spaghetti and set the stage on fire. Literally! Afterwards we were treated to the Critics Choice Award. No word of the nominees on the night - a bit harsh, it's their night too - but they were Jessie J, The Vaccines and James Blake. Jessie J won the award. Believe it or not, Jessie wrote songs for Miley Cyrus so cheesey pop is in her veins. And I thought Billy Ray Cyrus wrote them all...
Next on our agenda was a performance from past by Mumford & Sons who own a banjo. They sang about valleys and what-not and my eagle-eyed sister noticed that they were a bit like Cletus Spuckler from The Simpsons. "Brandine, I done busted my stink-bowl," "Hey I can call my Ma from up here...Hey Ma! Get off the dang roof" and "I cain't. I jus simply cain't" where all thrown around. I've said it before, banjo's don't work in 'bands' unless you're a blue-grass band or simply doing a one off like Travis did in Sing.Travis aren't Yokels for a start. It just all seems a bit too...erm...Deliverance to me! The less said about that, the better. But it was 3 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. That was the performance by the way...
It was all about the music this year (wasn't it last year?) and the next award showed us the nominations for International Male Solo Artist: Bruce Springsteen, Cee Lo Green, David Guetta, Eminem and Kanye West. Bruce Springsteen to win? Nah, who am I kidding? Cee Lo Green actually. Wait, this isn't too bad. He's one who deserves his award. Well done Cee Lo! But thankfully, it wasn't David Guetta, who just presses 'play.' Next...
A big one...British Single - Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull - All Night Long, Cheryl Cole - Parachute, Florence & The Machine - You’ve Got The Love, Matt Cardle - When We Collide, Olly Murs - Please Don’t Let Me Go, Plan B - She Said, Scouting For Girls - This Ain’t A Love Song, Taio Cruz - Dynamite, Tinie Tempah - Pass Out and The Wanted - All Time Low. None of them need this! And look at this...count them. There's 1...2...3...FOUR X Factor related songs there. Thankfully Little Tantrum walked away with award leaving Simon Cowell crying into his gold-leaf satin-velvet pillows. Swings and roundabouts! Patrick didn't make a very good speech. He wanted his good rapper friend Labrinth to join him on stage for this award. But Labrinth was no where to be seen. Maybe he had gone off in anger at not being nominated but his friend had twice. And won twice. This caused me and my sister to shout "get on with it!" at the screen.
After this encounter with the American Indie band (it doesn't work!) we go back to see what 14 year old Plan B could deliver. Honestly, he looked like more like Ben Mitchell when he was in court last year in EastEnders than a London rapper! There was a judge playing the drums too. Just like the real world. This soon turned into a riot. Again, more riot police. What is it with riot police? That's twice tonight. It ended with Plan's hand bleeding, people beating up other people (who we thought weren't part of the act. That would have been a turn up for the books...It was pretty brutal to say the least) and a guy being set on fire. Was it just me or was that just a little bit harsh for a squeeky clean award ceremony?
The award everyone was dreading, International Breakthrough Act. The nominees were: Bruno Mars, Glee Cast, Justin Bieber, The National and The Temper Trap. Lo and behold the little girl that is Justin Bieber won. I decided there and then that the British Music Industry really has taken a dive into shark invested hydrochloric acid. He can now add it to his collection of other dolls that he has. Who or what thinks that the best International Act to come out of America (because that is classed as "International" now-a-days) last year should be a 16-year-old lipstick-wearing boring untalented uneducated pre-broken voiced schoolboy?
Moving swiftly away from one girl to another for British Female Solo Artist. The acts nominated were: Cheryl Cole, Ellie Goulding, Laura Marling, Paloma Faith and Rumer. I have no idea who Laura Marling is, what style she sings and indeed what she sings. But Mastercard somehow do and so they awarded her with the BRIT. Sister says she could have made a bit more effort with her dress sense. Too true. She did look like she was on day release from the funny farm. And yes, that was the sound of a "National Treasure" hitting the bottle.
Finally, we got to hear a song by The Arcade Fire! Turns out they jump around a lot and have a keyboard player that looks like she hits shoe soles as percussion. And I still don't remember any of it. Must have been the reason why they won the award earlier.
James Corden went to speak with last years British Male Solo Artist, Mark Ronson (who is famous for covering other peoples songs). He said that his favourite band in the world had just played live on stage causing speculation that Mark is actually a suck-up. The voice over lady, who hasn't sounded excited at all tonight, told us to come back after the break as Tinie Tempah has an explosive performance coming up. Again wishfully thinking I waited. It wasn't as explosive as I thought. It featured a lot of Tinie clones and some bad lyrics and absolutely no explosions. I was disappointed
International Female Solo Artist was next up with Cheryl Cole presenting the awards. She appeared to be a bit tipsy. Ahh, nothing like drowning your sorrows when you don't win, eh Chezza? And she knew she wouldn't win this one because Newcastle isn't international. Yet. Nominees were: Alicia Keys, Katy Perry, Kylie Minogue, Rihanna and Robyn. Since Katy Perry didn't win the last award she was nominated then she deserved this one even more. Unfortunately it was given to Rihanna - famous of course for repeating a lot of the chorus. ("Umbrella-ella-ella", "Rude Boy-Boy", "Ooh na-na, what's my name" etc). Alright, I did think she deserved this though but still not as much as Miss Perry/Mrs Brand. Well done Rihanna-anna-anna-eh-eh-eh...
British Group was the next category. The acts that were nominated were: Biffy Clyro, Gorillaz, Mumford & Sons, Take That and The XX. There are two there I desperately wanted to win. Biffy Clyro have been the rock revolution that came early last year, way before uber-div Matt Cardle came along and ruined a wonderful song, so they should have won it, hands down. Gorillaz showed us that they can pack out Glastonbury and that Damon Albarn has still got his creative spark. But as with the way with things, neither of them got the award. Take That did. Robbie Williams said "Shabba" of the success. Shabba is Randomish for "good" according to the Urban Dictionary. Glad we're clear on this.
And finally! The last award of the night - the coveted MasterCard British Album of the Year. Here were the nominations: Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More, Plan B - The Defamation of Strickland Banks, Take That - Progress, Tinie Tempah - Disc-Overy and The XX - XX. Again, it was the same sh...ugar different award. None of them should own the award for Album of the Year. But The Fokel Yokel's got it. Bleeding Mumford & Sons. If this is what we're starting to like then God help us all! If music from the 14th century is what we British crave then I am ashamed of the music industry as it stands today. It looks like I won't be following the removal companies advice. I'll be sighing for a lot longer now. We needn't worry though because the night was wrapped up by Cee Lo Green and Paloma Faith which was a great ending to an atrocious ceremony.
My point is all my favourite songs from last year were mostly from America. Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, I'm pointing the finger at you. We have this rich heritage for epic music. From rock, we've had The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Queen, David Bowie, U2, Blur and Radiohead. From synthpop and dance we've had Duran Duran, Tubeway Army, Depeche Mode, Calvin Harris, The Chemical Brothers and FatBoy Slim. And then up to and through the 2000's we had Keane, Kaiser Chiefs, Franz Ferdinand, The Fratellis, Muse, Editors, Hard-FI and Coldplay. All of these still get airplay and in some cases are still at it. We can prove to the world we can make globally recognised music that is loved by anyone at anytime. Now it looks like all we can produce is some nobody who has won a talent contest because of a phone vote. Or the best band we can produce are 4 men who let their significant other back in because he's a bit strapped for cash. We don't make great tunes for 50 years and then give up because Simon Cowell says so. We can do it. We just need to get motivated otherwise the biggest award ceremony of the year will be the Grammy's...Which I'm pretty sure it is.
Alright...subject aside. I know I've come across as harsh with this, especially when I said that no one deserves the awards they deserve. I don't not like any of these acts, they're all in their own way, artists. I admire them as musicians, singers and performers (it's only when they start miming. That's when my blood starts to boil). And the truth is, no one deserves any award for music. That looks bad but it isn't because obviously everyone would be liked to recognised for what they do. Truth be told, if like me you enjoy creating music, playing it, doing whatever with it, your reward should ultimately be the success and reputation you've gained no matter how well known you are or not. That means that it's the chance to say "yes, this is mine. People are liking this, I am happy." You don't need a polystyrene Barbie doll to tell you 'you've done so-and-so well.' Musicians shouldn't be in it to make a quick buck. They should do it because they enjoy it. If people like it and you start getting copious amounts of money for it then let that be a bi-product. At the start of my music "career," way back when The Vaultz's MySpace page (yes, that long ago) was created, an instrumentalist got in touch with us mistakenly thinking we had recently performed a gig. I replied to him that there must have been some mix-up as we had only just started a week or so ago. He, and I was grateful for the advice he gave, said (and I shall probably keep this with me until the day I die) something like "Never EVER do it for the money because if you do, you will fail daily. Do it because you want to do it" and he wished us success for the future. It was probably common sense but it was hauntingly stuck. It was sound advice from this wise Gandalf of the music world, whoever he was. Of course, being recognised is great. It shows you if you're going in the right direction. But it's not the thing you should be fighting for. And with that I say...stick up ya middle finger and bring on the NME awards!
Showing posts with label Current Events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Current Events. Show all posts
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
Saturday, 1 January 2011
Happy New Year!
Goodbye 2010! And hello 2011. Hope you all had a great past 12 months. And if you haven't read last year's roundup, I suggest you do so. It's good. So what of this blog? What's going to be new? Well, for a start, I'm quite proud at the 50 odd posts that I've managed to post this year and hopefully next year, there will be more of the same. And more. Admittedly, the majority of last years posts were from my driving experiences. That was a good 18 articles. And since I passed my test it means there's a big chunk gone already so these won't be present next year, unless something goes horribly wrong. So here's a few ideas of what we could be expecting for Twenny-leven on The Observation Blog
More on Travel - I love to travel around. It's easy to write about different places that aren't home. I tried to do this with one of my very first posts and that was about it. Nothing else was really done with it. I'll like to go to a place, see what's what and then write about it in my backwards quirky fashion. And I won't be writing about every other thing, just big trips.
Reviews - I could do reviews. Reviews on everything from movies, music, television programmes, websites. The list could be endless!
More lists - I had to think about this...do I really need more lists? Yes, yes I do! Because lists are simple, they get down to the point and eliminate any long typing sessions. So, yes, more lists!
More Tales - When I wrote the Bible story back in September, it gave me an idea. It just goes to show I can write fiction. Who knows? But on a more solid side of things, linking heavily with the Travel idea, I could make a picture story, visually showing the trip!
Videos - Probably. Depends if I can be bothered.
More on The Funny Side of Music - Because laughing at bad music is good. I wanna carry on with the 'Happy and Delightful World of Wormrot' style of writing.
The Funny Side of Television and Film - Because laughing at bad television is also good
More Advert Watching - Another thing to rip to shreds! Woohoo!
Generally, I would like to go back to the older way I started writing; big columns on stuff. I like doing this sort of writing. And since it's my playground to write my thoughts, I don't see what is stopping me! And of course, like with 2010's roundup, 2011 will have one too. This next one will be constantly fuelled whereas with last years, I started in August time and filled in the blanks (I didn't have one long typing session y'see). Now we start in January and end with December, so really, I'm not going to complete it until next year!
More on Travel - I love to travel around. It's easy to write about different places that aren't home. I tried to do this with one of my very first posts and that was about it. Nothing else was really done with it. I'll like to go to a place, see what's what and then write about it in my backwards quirky fashion. And I won't be writing about every other thing, just big trips.
Reviews - I could do reviews. Reviews on everything from movies, music, television programmes, websites. The list could be endless!
More lists - I had to think about this...do I really need more lists? Yes, yes I do! Because lists are simple, they get down to the point and eliminate any long typing sessions. So, yes, more lists!
More Tales - When I wrote the Bible story back in September, it gave me an idea. It just goes to show I can write fiction. Who knows? But on a more solid side of things, linking heavily with the Travel idea, I could make a picture story, visually showing the trip!
Videos - Probably. Depends if I can be bothered.
More on The Funny Side of Music - Because laughing at bad music is good. I wanna carry on with the 'Happy and Delightful World of Wormrot' style of writing.
The Funny Side of Television and Film - Because laughing at bad television is also good
More Advert Watching - Another thing to rip to shreds! Woohoo!
Generally, I would like to go back to the older way I started writing; big columns on stuff. I like doing this sort of writing. And since it's my playground to write my thoughts, I don't see what is stopping me! And of course, like with 2010's roundup, 2011 will have one too. This next one will be constantly fuelled whereas with last years, I started in August time and filled in the blanks (I didn't have one long typing session y'see). Now we start in January and end with December, so really, I'm not going to complete it until next year!
2010: An easy roundup
So, there goes another year. And indeed another decade! 2010 set out to be a such a promising and calm year with everyone. After all, 2009 had been hectic on some peoples watches. WRONG! 2010 could have given '09 a run for its money, with its natural disasters alone! So here is a rundown of some of the most memorable aspects of the year just gone including natural disasters, politics and football (or at least making fun of football) as well as some that are notable to myself...
Oh and some of these events that happen on here aren't necessarily in the correct order. Or even the correct month (they tended to get more recognition in the months they are/should be presented in). Because, to be frank, most of it is going what my memory can remember. With a bit of help from Wikipedia for some clarification. Okay then, the year got off to a good start on a Friday...
JANUARY
We start with January, strangely enough. January is known for residing in winter and this year it was no different. Well, just a bit because this is because Britain got bombarded by copious amounts of snow. It stopped the country. Everyone was advised to go out only if it was completely necessary. Which in some cases, it was. For things like shopping, work and for the fun of it! It was nothing like last February's snow though. This was powdery stuff that didn't compact very well, so it made awful snowballs and even worse snowmen. But it still froze and made travelling very bad indeed. Britain was running out of grit to put on it's roads and was importing it from overseas. It couldn't get here quickly enough, which is rather odd. How could we get through all this supply of grit and salt in a few days? However we did it, it stopped the country from functioning and moving. So we just went out and played in the snow whilst we could. Because that's what we should do when it snows. We don't get it very often and when we do, it's fantastic. People get days off work and school and they're happy. Which in January, when everyone goes back to work and school after Christmas when they don't want to, is perfect!
Cadbury Chocolate was sold to American company Kraft. A lot of people didn't like this, claiming now that the Americans have got hold of it, they'd change the flavour and other bad stuff. They said that because Kraft make aerosole-can cheese, they wouldn't do Cadbury justice. Now, Kraft own a lot of companies. Some of which include Nabisco, who are responsible for Oreo's which are delicious; Ritz biscuits, which are also delicious; and Toblerone, which is also delicious. Good brands and they've hardly changed.
Oh and some of these events that happen on here aren't necessarily in the correct order. Or even the correct month (they tended to get more recognition in the months they are/should be presented in). Because, to be frank, most of it is going what my memory can remember. With a bit of help from Wikipedia for some clarification. Okay then, the year got off to a good start on a Friday...
JANUARY
We start with January, strangely enough. January is known for residing in winter and this year it was no different. Well, just a bit because this is because Britain got bombarded by copious amounts of snow. It stopped the country. Everyone was advised to go out only if it was completely necessary. Which in some cases, it was. For things like shopping, work and for the fun of it! It was nothing like last February's snow though. This was powdery stuff that didn't compact very well, so it made awful snowballs and even worse snowmen. But it still froze and made travelling very bad indeed. Britain was running out of grit to put on it's roads and was importing it from overseas. It couldn't get here quickly enough, which is rather odd. How could we get through all this supply of grit and salt in a few days? However we did it, it stopped the country from functioning and moving. So we just went out and played in the snow whilst we could. Because that's what we should do when it snows. We don't get it very often and when we do, it's fantastic. People get days off work and school and they're happy. Which in January, when everyone goes back to work and school after Christmas when they don't want to, is perfect!
Cadbury Chocolate was sold to American company Kraft. A lot of people didn't like this, claiming now that the Americans have got hold of it, they'd change the flavour and other bad stuff. They said that because Kraft make aerosole-can cheese, they wouldn't do Cadbury justice. Now, Kraft own a lot of companies. Some of which include Nabisco, who are responsible for Oreo's which are delicious; Ritz biscuits, which are also delicious; and Toblerone, which is also delicious. Good brands and they've hardly changed.
In the world of gaming, Ubisoft released Just Dance for the Nintendo Wii last year but this household aquired this year. The game is incredibly fun even though it may not be the most technically advanced game with fantastical graphics or any mumbo-jumbo that's made the Xbox 360 or PS3 so popular. It's just a fun simple, arcady game that works on so many levels for so many people.
Other points of interest in January: James Cameron of Titanic fame released global sensation, Avatar. I know it wasn't released this year but I went to see it in February and I just wanted to place it on the list. I thought this was as good a chance of any. Titanic was the biggest grossing film ever until Avatar came along which blew the socks off of record breaking. January was the month Avatar was awarded the fastest grossing films in history after just 41 days; Burj Dubai, or Burj Khalifa to give it its formal name, was officially opened as the worlds tallest building showing that if you have a lot of money, you can make a sky scraper in the Arabian desert. Why? Because they can; China is named the biggest car consumer in the world. That's where all these emission are coming from! China! So forget anything you know about being green and "eco" and put your telly back on standby. You're fine; and the Apple iPad was unveiled to go along with the other iProducts.
FEBRUARY
Other points of interest in January: James Cameron of Titanic fame released global sensation, Avatar. I know it wasn't released this year but I went to see it in February and I just wanted to place it on the list. I thought this was as good a chance of any. Titanic was the biggest grossing film ever until Avatar came along which blew the socks off of record breaking. January was the month Avatar was awarded the fastest grossing films in history after just 41 days; Burj Dubai, or Burj Khalifa to give it its formal name, was officially opened as the worlds tallest building showing that if you have a lot of money, you can make a sky scraper in the Arabian desert. Why? Because they can; China is named the biggest car consumer in the world. That's where all these emission are coming from! China! So forget anything you know about being green and "eco" and put your telly back on standby. You're fine; and the Apple iPad was unveiled to go along with the other iProducts.
FEBRUARY
Quite frankly, we had had enough of the snow in January. So February went one better by bringing snow to us via TV. I am of course talking about the Winter Olympic Games held in Vancouver, Canada. It started off quite slowly but after watching some of the games, it
started to grow on me. By the end of it I knew all sorts of terminology like Wu-tang - which is a snow ramp with the other side cut off - and Skeleton - which is a type of tea tray. Just don't go into a career of human anatomy with that fact. It was good, these games. I got some joy out of it and Great Britain came away with a gold medal thanks to Amy Williams hurtling down a frozen channel down a hill faster than everyone else in the world head first, which is no small feet, seeing as I would see this as genuinely terrifying. And for that Amy Williams deserves the praise. And it just goes to show, all that snow last month wasn't being wasted.
It wasn't all good news in February, which as we know, is famed for it's lovey-dovey day of love St Valentine's Day. This was a bad month for two people - Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole and her not so very intelligent husband, Ashley. He's a footballer so that statement is true even before I get down to the dirty...unlike Ashley. He cheated on one of the best out of all of Girls Aloud, and that's a difficult choice anyway! Now why did he do that? Who would you rather have as a lifetime companion? To have and to hold, and so on? Cheryl Cole, or a pizza face? Your move Ash...
But this was only the start of the football related breakups in 2010. John Terry, Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney all were in the same boat - leaving their wife/girlfriend for someone else (or words to that effect). Footballers are idiots. More money than sense, it quite clearly seems. Cut their salary. Now! They don't need the supercars, massive houses with swimming pools or designer clothes. They're not worth their wives or girlfriends in most cases. I'm mean, sticking with the "Pizza the Hut" analogy, look at Wayne Rooney. And then look to his wife, Coleen. At what point did she think, "Hmmm, that's a man a who I want my offspring to look like. He's definitely the one." She obviously isn't with him for his charm, wit, sophistication and dashing good-lucks. If that's the case, then you really do start to think who has the dwindling IQ. Both of them could be distracted with a bit of shiny foil. Which is why out of all the sporty-relationship people, Formula 1 drivers have got it down to tee. Ergo, Jenson Button is a very lucky man. Not only him, but the majority of the drivers are...go Google search 'F1 Wags' and see what I mean!
What really got my goat with this year is that Cheryl Cole is as lovely as any other Girls Aloud member but I did think it was a bit milked this year with her. Yes, she got divorced and yes she got malaria but to be told every waking hour; it does drive me a bit up the wall. She has been made out to be Saint Cheryl but she hasn't really done much this year. And that's even before the X Factor...and it's rigging.
Other points of interest in February: Toyota are sorry for their accelerators jamming making the car keep moving until it crashes; The Grammy and The Brit Awards were held (when really the award you want, is an NME award); Alice and Wonderland, remade by crazy Tim Burton and staring Johnny Depp, was released in UK cinemas; and as such, there was a dispute with it between Odeon and Disney. Still, arguments aside they made friends and everyone was happy; EMI put the iconic 'home from home of the Beatles' Abbey Road studios up for sale; China celebrates year of the Tiger whilst Tiger Woods says sorry for being a goon. Everyone is saying sorry a lot this month...Sorry!
started to grow on me. By the end of it I knew all sorts of terminology like Wu-tang - which is a snow ramp with the other side cut off - and Skeleton - which is a type of tea tray. Just don't go into a career of human anatomy with that fact. It was good, these games. I got some joy out of it and Great Britain came away with a gold medal thanks to Amy Williams hurtling down a frozen channel down a hill faster than everyone else in the world head first, which is no small feet, seeing as I would see this as genuinely terrifying. And for that Amy Williams deserves the praise. And it just goes to show, all that snow last month wasn't being wasted.
It wasn't all good news in February, which as we know, is famed for it's lovey-dovey day of love St Valentine's Day. This was a bad month for two people - Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole and her not so very intelligent husband, Ashley. He's a footballer so that statement is true even before I get down to the dirty...unlike Ashley. He cheated on one of the best out of all of Girls Aloud, and that's a difficult choice anyway! Now why did he do that? Who would you rather have as a lifetime companion? To have and to hold, and so on? Cheryl Cole, or a pizza face? Your move Ash...
But this was only the start of the football related breakups in 2010. John Terry, Peter Crouch and Wayne Rooney all were in the same boat - leaving their wife/girlfriend for someone else (or words to that effect). Footballers are idiots. More money than sense, it quite clearly seems. Cut their salary. Now! They don't need the supercars, massive houses with swimming pools or designer clothes. They're not worth their wives or girlfriends in most cases. I'm mean, sticking with the "Pizza the Hut" analogy, look at Wayne Rooney. And then look to his wife, Coleen. At what point did she think, "Hmmm, that's a man a who I want my offspring to look like. He's definitely the one." She obviously isn't with him for his charm, wit, sophistication and dashing good-lucks. If that's the case, then you really do start to think who has the dwindling IQ. Both of them could be distracted with a bit of shiny foil. Which is why out of all the sporty-relationship people, Formula 1 drivers have got it down to tee. Ergo, Jenson Button is a very lucky man. Not only him, but the majority of the drivers are...go Google search 'F1 Wags' and see what I mean!
What really got my goat with this year is that Cheryl Cole is as lovely as any other Girls Aloud member but I did think it was a bit milked this year with her. Yes, she got divorced and yes she got malaria but to be told every waking hour; it does drive me a bit up the wall. She has been made out to be Saint Cheryl but she hasn't really done much this year. And that's even before the X Factor...and it's rigging.
Other points of interest in February: Toyota are sorry for their accelerators jamming making the car keep moving until it crashes; The Grammy and The Brit Awards were held (when really the award you want, is an NME award); Alice and Wonderland, remade by crazy Tim Burton and staring Johnny Depp, was released in UK cinemas; and as such, there was a dispute with it between Odeon and Disney. Still, arguments aside they made friends and everyone was happy; EMI put the iconic 'home from home of the Beatles' Abbey Road studios up for sale; China celebrates year of the Tiger whilst Tiger Woods says sorry for being a goon. Everyone is saying sorry a lot this month...Sorry!
MARCH
The planet was plunged into darkness. No, the sun hadn't exploded, although that would look good on here if it did. It was in fact, Earth Hour. March held Earth Hour where 4,000 cities around world turn off or dimmed their lights for 60 minutes for one day in the spring. I can't remember me switching off the lights. Probably because Lincoln never got told because it is so small, it wouldn't have really made that much of a difference. Set up by the WWF (The World Wide Fund, not the wrestling people), the aim was to get people to switch off power between 8:30 and 9:30pm to raise awareness for climate change. People may have switched off but I'm guessing other sides of the planet were still chucking out carbon dioxide with their petrol drinking cars and doom factories. In places like China. All while those in the dark were getting bruised shins from coffee tables, and were playing Scrabble via candlelight. Just like the old days!
ITV released to the press that they were going to stop making The Bill. The Bill ran for 26 years. 18 of them, I never watched it but many other people did. The main reason is that modern day police dramas aren't that good, especially when located in Britain, is they're not satisfying. Ashes to Ashes and Life on Mars were brilliant though, although, they had more of a sci-fi feel to them. The Bill didn't. Britain just doesn't do crime as well as somewhere like America, whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know. American police and crime dramas are very gritty. Shows like the CSI series. America does it better. Maybe because they've got more money. For example: American cop chases use cars that are massive on power and size. They use Dodge Chargers as police cars which must be very intimidating in the rear view mirror. We use diesel Skodas and Vauxhall Astras the majority of the time. The most power British police forces get are Subaru Impreza's and Mitsubishi Lancer Evo X's but only if they've got bigger budget. And yet none of which appear in the high octane chase in a police drama. Make it like Starsky and Hutch! Boxes flying everywhere, driving down alleys, smashing things up and a 1970's crazy dress sense. That's how to do it!
Other points of interest in March: CERN's £6 billion, 17 mile long, Large Hadron Collider, set a record with a high-energy particle collision at 7 trillion electron volts. The LHC is responsible for creating a big scare back in September 2008 when they were going to switch it on without really knowing what was going to happen. Since it's 2010, I'm guessing things went well that day, but 7 trillion electron volts? Is that more or less than the De Lorean time machine from Back to the Future? It's far too sciency for me; David Beckham tore his Achilles tendon which meant he wouldn't play in the World Cup. My. Heart. Bled; Sir Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic space rocket/aeroplane thing aptly named SpaceShipTwo had its maiden voyage meaning space travel, for you, is approaching fast!; And Michael Schumacher announces his return to Formula One meaning the track hosts such highly, skilled sportsmen such as Jenson Button, Lewis Hamilton, Fernando Alonso and now Schumacher!
*To be quite honest, I had to go through March with a fine comb. Even I was struggling to find news. I mean, the Bill...C'mon! Many thanks to Wiki for some "contributions."
APRIL
A Polish Airliner, carrying 96 souls, including the President of Poland, crashed in Russia. If only that plane was due to take off a week later, then them people would all still be alive today. This was because Icelandic stratovolcano - Eyjafjallajökull (yes, I cannot pronounce it either) - erupted.
This projected a lot of ash into the air which in turn grounded flights all around Europe. The ash was so fine, that it gummed up the fan blades in a jets engine; the engines would then fail and not work. Unlike a boat, when its engine fails, it's still a boat. But a plane suddenly turns into a big tube full of people in the middle of air with nothing to keep it hanging there. So, flights were stopped. This meant no one could fly out of the country and no one could fly back. It must have been a shame, that. Being stuck in a hot place like Florida or Spain to not be able to go back and stop getting a suntan. Ferries were packed to the gills with people trying to get back. That's said, you did get the satisfaction of looking up at the sky and seeing no vapour trails.
Gordon Brown called a general election in this month too. He decided he had had enough of being made fun of by Jeremy Clarkson and the guys on Mock the Week.
The Deepwater Horizon oilrig blew up. No joke, here it is.
This ended up spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico for a considerable amount of months, and it wasn't long until it ended up washing up on the shores. Greenpeace went mental. The oil was threatening ecosystems and there was nothing that could be done about it. It's oil. When it's gushing out of a pipe it goes where it wants. In a way, the oil was just replenishing itself by making more oil. Oil is a fossil fuel made from fossils of animals...if you do the maths, this means more oil. Ultimately, Britain gets the blame for this event because it's a BP (British Petroleum) Oilrig. What the Americans forgot to announce was that the rig was built, maintained and manned by themselves aka the Americans. And they had the cheek to give us stick! I was shocked and mortified. Even more-so than Greenpeace!
Other points of interest in April: It was quite spritely and fresh month; London staged the Marathon; Gordon Brown called a woman "a bigot"; A new series of Doctor Who, with new boy and new girl, Matt Smith and Karen Gillen, taking roles of The Doctor and Amy Pond (respectively, no doubt), rocketed onto our BBC screens; Sony and Microsoft got annoyed at how popular the Wii was and decided to release to the press, the PlayStation's Move and Xbox 360's Kinect respectively at this years Electronic Entertainment Expo (commonly E3). Things are heating up!; and I realised that ASDA staff get even the simplest things wrong.
MAY
Oh my gawd. Seems only yesterday I wasn't watching Big Brother, along with the rest of the country. The final series had started. I got such immense pleasure writing in a previous post that Big Brother was going to be cancelled. So I'm going to write it again. Big Brother got cancelled. Some wierdos went in, most, if not all, of them unacceptable in human society. Many came out. Unfortunately, all of them came out of the house. If they stayed in that would mean it would be some sort of prison. Sadly, Big Brother started off very well in the early years. Then it just became car-crash television. It was that bad it wasn't even given a Euro NCAP rating which means in some retrospect "if you drive this you will suffer in one way or another." Someone won and the rest didn't. They're all winners to me though. Winners of the saddest people award. Then more people went in for Ultimate Big Brother. Some of the world best known nobodies which included...er...yeah. Where do they get them from? Is there like a warehouse full of the people nobody wants but TV does? But, that's not the full Big Brother story. Y'see Channel 5 are thinking of buying the rights to it which could mean it would get moved to Channel 5. Happily, it could follow the same route as Robot Wars, which tragically was bought by Channel 5 and moved; showed one series; and was then cancelled. So it looks like it's goodbye to the late night Channel 4 showings of people sleeping. Goodbye to the lousy people and goodbye Big Brother!
End of Lost happened this month too, with Sky One showing it live from the US. It had been 6 long years of a meandering story and many cliffhangers but I watched it all. I was hooked to it. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Ben, Desmond, Locke, Sun, Jin, Hurley, Jacob, Sayid, Claire, Charlie and others (and The Others, coincidentally) were trapped on a mysterious Island that each of them and us audience had their and our own theories of its existence. It took forever to find out the ending but it was worth it. I could have easily gave up watching and thought nothing more of it. But I followed it from start to end. It was clever, witty, gritty and most of all mysterious and thrilling. I thought I was going to miss it, but to be honest, I'm glad it's over. I'm pretty sure if there were robot writers and actors, it seriously could have gone on forever!
May also gave us an election...
David Cameron of the Conservative Party soon became Prime Minister on the 11th when Gordon Brown resigned. That meant Cameron was given the keys to 10 Downing Street after a nail-bitingly close election. He also partnered up with Nick Clegg of the Other Party to create a coalition government. Many people didn't like this, including the Queen because she wanted to watch EastEnders but David had to pay her a visit so he could be appointed as the Prime Minister. So what of Gordon Brown? Tony Blair had at least managed to stay in the public eye (for the wrong reasons) but Brown had disappeared without a trace like an X Factor winner. Did he run away? Could he not face the music? Did he merely shrivel up? Where ever he his, I, for one, will still be thinking of him...and his funny, sad face.
Other points of interest in May: Jason Manford, the famous comedian, announced he was going to front the One Show on the BBC. He replaced Adrian Chiles - who is excruciatingly boring - who rightfully deserves to host ITV's morning show, Daybreak. Mainly because I don't watch ITV in the mornings. I'm solely a BBC Breakfast person. Jason did host the show with Alex Jones who could be Christine Bleakley (who followed Chiles to ITV) with a welsh accent; like March, not a lot else happened.
JUNE
Probably, the most notable thing of June and if you're a football nut (or, what I will now call being footy nutty) in the summer, was the FIFA World Cup. We're not stretching to 'event of the year' because if you think it was, then sorry; you're just a bit dull. Held in South Africa, it was the staging of the worlds biggest Vuvuzela concerts.
Now, I don't particularly like football (and Vuvuzela's for that matter) but like the Winter Olympic Games, when it's on, it's hard not to avoid it, especially in a country where football thrives. It was another chance for footballers to get their faces on TV and not the front pages for copping off with anything with a pulse. Long story short, Spain beat Holland in the final. This was quite fine, Spain deserved their triumph. England, however, did not. They were playing in Group C and their first match was against the USA. A country known for its football against a country not really known for its "soccer." England scored, well done. Have a peanut. But then America scored and the game was a draw. USA must have felt dead impressed with themselves by holding off a team full of world renowned players. Game two to feature England was against Algeria. I vaguely know where Algeria is yet the better team didn't score. Algeria gave England a run for their money. Final England game of the group was against Slovenia. Nope, don't know where that is either, and yet they lost! They did manage to get out of the Groups behind America but who wants to be behind America when we can take the lead? It meant that England were then faced up against Germany. No surprise, they lost that too. 4 - 1 to be precise. They were expected to go all the way, England, but they only scored a measly 3 goals out of 4 games. They came back to booing fans, no doubt. This is what happens when you pay 11 people a gazillion pounds for 90 minutes work.
BBC announced that it was the last of the Last of the Summer Wine ('bout bloody time!).
The Beeb hasn't stated why, so maybe I can give you a reason why it got shelved. No body watched it. The BBC have a very weird way of dealing with programmes. For instance, they chose to cancel Lee Mack's brilliant sitcom, Not Going Out, which is laugh out loud, crying in hysterics funny, but still kept the slow and laborious LotSW. Summer Wine is about 37million years old. It's so old that not only has it gained the world record for the longest running sitcom on the planet, it is also held responsible for single handedly wiping out the dinosaurs. They simply got bored to death and couldn't carry on. Thankfully I have never watched Last of the Summer Wine and as such, haven't met the same fate.
Other points of interest in June: Mars was discovered to once having an ocean; the long awaited sequel Toy Story 3 blasted its Pixar socks onto the cinema screens; someone breaks into the England Football Team changing rooms, hopefully to tell them to stop being a bunch of pansies; and finally a mention from Wimbledon 2010. Tennis isn't really that interesting at the best of times, just watching a yellow fuzzy ball bounce from player to player. But this years match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut was one to go down in history. It was the worlds longest game and it lasted 183 games spanning over 11 hours (not counting breaks). 11 hours! That's tennis elbow, tennis knee, tennis wrist, tennis ankle, tennis shoulder...if such illnesses exist. Which they now do after this game!
JULY
As if global disasters weren't enough this year, Pakistan got hit by torrential rain resulting in a very big flood. This disaster was so big, it was compared to Hurricane Katrina. Pakistan got very wet indeed and required help and aid from all over the world, most notably from Britain. Correct me if I'm wrong but we suffered torrential rain in 2007 and I don't recall Pakistan, or any other country, offering us help. We also had an earthquake too that year and no one helped us then either. The world has gone mad. They want help from us but they don't want to help us. It's a two way street world. Two way! To make matters worse, Pakistan didn't even have access to the BBC Weather website, so they couldn't check the weather an hour before it struck. And being Pakistan, there's no boats. So they were asking for money and boats! Who do we know that has money and a boat? One of the Dragons from Dragons Den (Actually, James Caan went over there but not to give them one of his yachts. They didn't like that).
Mayor of London, bumbling Boris Johnson, set up a scheme with Barclays Bank to have bikes positioned around London to cut down traffic. This is a very good idea. I went to London and the amount of people who now cycle around looks like sheer lunacy. I'd say the more loony part of the story was that it's an idea by Boris Johnson that has taken off (even though it was a Ken Livingstone idea). A lot of people have taken to it though. It's slightly cheaper than the bus or tube or taxi; you get the exercise; and you don't have to pay congestion charge. Whats more, you're not making Global Warming, so you're being friendly to the planet also! Another upside is that other modes of transport, like the London Underground, won't be full of boring people reading the Metro. They'll all be on the surface riding their Boris Bikes. The only thing is, if your in cycling distance to wherever you want to be, chances are you live in London. In which case you can afford to go on the Tube every day. And riding a bike can become very monotonous after a very short time; you'll get knackered and probably be ran over by a tour bus. Go on the Tube. It's more fun! But don't because it'll get full.
Other points of interests in July: The oil leak was stopped with a massive concrete cork; Singer George Michael crashed into Snappy Snaps with his Land Rover to which someone wrote "WHAM!" on the broken wall. Some funny man has a good sense of humour; Cheryl Cole got more bad news when she got malaria after visiting Tanzania, although I think it was all them bad singers she hangs around with; Paul the Octopus officially retired from guessing the football results. Paul became world famous after he correctly predicted the scores from the World Cup matches in Germany. Well done that 8-legged sea creature!; Robbie Williams is starting to run out of money, so he rejoins Take That, which even I think is bad move; and a replica of Bloodhound - the 1,000mph record-breaking car - was revealed to show the world press what British engineering really looks like. When I say British engineering, I do in fact mean bolting a couple of wheels to a Typhoon Eurofigher engine. Still, it's British. We don't do things by halves when it comes to the bestest/fastest/coolest.
AUGUST
August was a simple month. It was kicked off with the wedding of Lisa Simpson to Hugh Parkfield.
It didn't last long.
There was also the start of the X Factor, which stirred up much controversy when there were fears over "singer" Shirlena Johnson. She was pulled out of the competition over a dispute about her mental illness. If that's the case, the why didn't they pull out all of the competitors. You've got to be mad to enter something like the X Factor and think that you'll get the recognition you think you deserve. Even the first show of the series caused yet more debate when it was blasted for using Auto-tune. Auto-tune does exactly that. It automatically tunes a persons voice. But the singing was so bad, Auto-tune lost faith and committed suicide whilst the acts were supposedly singing. Louis Walsh also claimed that if John and Edward Grimes of Jedward had used Auto-tune, then they would have won. Yes, Louis. You string along that brilliant anecdote. I'm starting to wish they did win. Mainly because we never really hear from the winner ever again. Joe McElderry anyone? Leon Jackson? Nope? (Matt Cardle will join this list, I'm sure in the not to distant future).
I rest my case.
A copper/gold mine collapsed in Chile, trapping 33 miners 702 metres underground in an elaborate attempt to dig to China. They were left with only a small place to live and call home. For the next 4 months! Because at the time, it was claimed they wouldn't be rescued until Christmas. 4 months of doing nothing, surrounded by 32 other miners in exactly the same situation. I spy would get a bit tedious after a while.
"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...R."
"Is it rock?"
"Yes! How did you know?"
"Because it was rock the last time"
"Okay, my turn. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...R"
"Rihanna...?"
Don't get me wrong, but aren't miners good at digging? Can't they dig their way out?
Mary Bale was an unknown Coventry banker in July. But come August, she became a public hate figure. Not in her own street, own town or even Coventry for that matter, but around the globe. The entire planet! What did she do to get all this grief? Shall we cue video? Yes we shall!
What was captured on the CCTV camera was her putting a cat in a bin. And the world hated her for it. They sent her death threats for what she had done. There was speculation from the bank where she works claiming she'll lose her job. Which would have then resulted into her not getting another job and so losing money. She's going to end up on the street with no home and being torn to pieces with words of spite from passersby, all because she put a cat in a bin. Imagine what the response would have been if she put an endangered species like a polar bear in a bin. Although that would take some skill. And probably would have won £250 from You've Been Framed.
Other points of interest from August: People got A-level results, got told that they may not go to University, but did; People got GCSE results; Pakistan are still searching for the plug (ask if anyone on the Gulf of Mexico can help); Swine Flu officially ended. It just stopped. Probably as a result of watching Last of the Summer Wine; and Ferrari's new 458 Italia keeps catching fire, which is quite sad as it is one of the best looking cars from the thoroughbreds in a long time. Ferraris are known for their exotic flare and power but sometimes they don't need to be filled with napalm. They're just as good with the V8 filled with petroleum distillate.
SEPTEMBER
Summer was over. Well, what we had of it. And September will always be remembered by people like myself, as the month where one person gave his life away by writing a book. Ben Collins is The Stig; Top Gear's famous and mysterious test driver. Collins wanted to publish a tell-all book revealing the The Stig's true identity, but a BBC contract stated that he should keep schtum, which is what he should have done. He didn't want to and so he took the BBC to court to get it settled once and for all. Just think for a moment. The Stig got to do all sorts on Top Gear. Not just driving fast and exotic cars but rubbing shoulders with all manor of celebrities, travelling the country and the world, and yet Ben Collins wanted to give all that up. That said, I don't think The Stig will be entirely deaded just yet.
In September, his Holyness, The Pope Benedict XVI paid a visit to the UK to promote his upcoming album: Fo Shizzle with The Pope Benedizzle.
He visited Edinburgh, Glasgow, London and Birmingham - but not Manchester. He wasn't taking the risk. There is not enough bullet proofing in the world to go on his Popemobile. It only takes one wrong turning into a different district and what may be a way of showing off your status in perspex box on a Mercedes-Benz M Class could end up looking like swiss cheese. Anyway, back to the gigs. For these he sang many of his greatest hits, all of which appear on the album. They include Livin' On a Prayer; Like a Virgin and God is a DJ, innit. Word! He was supposed to do a duet with Susan Boyle but there are unwritten rules that state The Pope is not allowed to sing with another man in a dress. Slightly contradictory, I know. He liked his trip very much, or so I have been told. He was also given a gift by the Queen, who met him at Hollyrood House in Scotland. He was very pleased with his new 'Teapots of the 19th Century' book (from all good book stockists/Library). The Pope gave the Queen a can of Spray on Clothes. Which leads me nicely onto the next subject...
Believe it or not, it's all true, apart from the fact the Pope gave it to the Queen as a gift. Clothes that could be sprayed on. You couldn't write that stuff, not even if you tried. Watch the clip to see for yourself...
You really start to wonder when scientists start getting that bored that they have to redesign how we wear our clothes. What was wrong with finding new species? Or looking for other planets? Nevertheless, I'm still undecided whether or not this is a good idea. The 'spray on bandage' is certainly a very good idea, but clothes in a can? How would you aim for your back without missing and getting all over the mirror? It comes in a varied amount of styles, depending on how controlled you are with a spray can - ideal then, for any budding young graffiti artist who wants to wear their tags. But hang on! Where have I seen this before?
Ah, someones going to have to break it to them. Baggsie not me!
OCTOBER
Well, the time has now come where it gets colder, leaves are falling off the trees and it's getting dark before 7. In October, we got to a satisfying start to the month with the Ryder Cup of Golfing started. I think it started anyway. It did rain a fair bit. Thing is, this Cup was filling with water quicker than they could empty it, for it was held in Newport. And for all of you who aren't good at Geography and don't know where Newport is; it's in Wales where it rains a lot as Welsh funnyman Rhod Gilbert tells us [back when the 2007 flood hit]: "It rained for forty days and forty nights and that was still the best summer we've ever had - There was a hosepipe ban that year!" Of all the places in Europe the Ryder Cup could have been held, they chose Wales. Not Spain, or Italy, both of which as sunny and warm as each other but Wales. And to prove that I don't know anything about golf, I didn't realise that it was supposed to be played over 3 days and not 4. They don't play buy the rules in this game (metaphorically). Rain did stop play and the Green and the Fairway got wet and that's all I know about it. And I only know the words "Green" and "Fairway" from Wii Sports. However, this wasn't the only the sporting competition being held in October either...
Delhi hosted the Commonwealth Games which is a bit like the Olympics, just without America or Japan intervening and winning every-god-damned thing. But, if you remember, it nearly didn't happen! It came to 2 weeks before the games should start and India thought "We're supposed to holding the Commonwealth Games this month aren't we?...Maybe we should get started on building our stadium or something." It wasn't their only problem before the games too. A bridge collapsed; the athletes village had been cleaned with a headless mop; snakes were on the prowl for competitors; the diving board measurements where wrong; and not all the official timers were set up, which meant all records broken would not have counted at all. The builders were even stealing sand from the long jump pit to finish off the track. But Delhi pulled their finger out of their ears and started the games with an opening ceremony. All peachy until...
Wait...no. That's not a bomb. It may well look like one but it is in fact, a thing called an aerostat. Which is the posh lingo for 'big balloon.' That's just what it was - an $8 million helium filled balloon. Anyway, England came away from India with 38 gold medals and a total of 147 medals overall. Which isn't bad at all.
The Chilean version of Big Brother had finished...No, that is false information. I am sorry. The Chilean Miners were finally released from underground. Davina McCall wasn't there to welcome them out, which is a massive disappointment. However, this would have meant that every one of them miners would have wanted to go back down the hole they came from because it would have been better than having an interview. Look back when I first reported this in the article. It was claimed they'd be out by Christmas. They were out two months earlier because Christmas would get in the way of the rescue. Or the rescue would get in the way of Christmas. One of the two. They all came out looking healthy and cool. Even more so because they were all wearing designer sunglasses worth £250 each! Apparently it was to stop the miners dissolving in the sunlight, being underground for many days but why not just pick up a cheapo pair from Poundland? That would be a saving of £8,217. The miners went into recuperation...in a darkened room. This will slowly adjust them to the light or so we got told. Fighting fire with fire. Nice one! It must be a great feeling getting taken out of a dark place to get put into more dark. Andandand, don't get me wrong, but I think if they had said that they had struck oil down there, they would have been out in a matter of hours. Just saying...But hey, think of the overtime!
Wayne Rooney. Two words that are both as ridiculous as each other in any order. He had a massive dilemma on his paws this month - does he stay at Manchester United or does he move to a different Football club? After cheating on his wife, being dropped by numerous sponsors and generally being a good contender for 'Ogre of the Century,' - a coveted award that Shrek would also like to win - things weren't looking too good for him. Alex Ferguson, manager of Manchester United, was going to kick Rooney out of the club. Probably for being awful. With Rooney threatening to move to Manchester City and Real Madrid (and death threats from so called "supporters"), Ferguson finally decided to give him another contract - worth £250,000 a week making Potatoface the highest paid potato to do sod all. He didn't score in the World Cup. In fact, the only time he has scored this year was when...you can finish this sentence if you want. When will people learn? Football is dull. Footballers are dull. They don't care about the sport, not when they've got the sports cars, the trophy wife, the big house, etc. Wayne Rooney is an idiot. Honestly, he is as much use to England, Great Britain and indeed the entirety of The United Kingdom as the left hand side of the Countdown Clock.
Other points of interest from October: Toxic sludge entered the river Danube in Hungary. This meant the composition The Blue Danube by Johann Strauss had to be changed to The Red Danube; The new leader of the Labour party, one of the Milibands, has just as funny face as Gordon Brown; at 10 seconds 10 past 10 o'clock in the morning on the tenth, worlds clocks read 10:10:10 10/10/2010; the world's longest tunnel was unveiled (yes, all together now: "Booooring!"); Katy Perry got married to Russel Brand (lucky man); Paul the octopus (who had a higher input to the World Cup in one of his tentacles than the whole England team put together) sadly died. Don't tell the Koreans; I bought a nifty little Korg MicroKORG; Take That broke the internet. Well. Done!; and it was revealed that Glastonbury won't happen in 2012 because all the portable toilets will be in London for the Olympic Games. The term "portable toilets" is not intended to be an insult. It actually means 'portable toilets.'
NOVEMBER
The nights are really drawing in now but November really went off with a bang! Especially in Salford where a house spontaneously combusted. There was debris everywhere! But nobody noticed as there was already debris in their front gardens. Mostly in guise of old washing machines, fridges and sofas. The Chavs down this humble little avenue (of about 6 houses), which I shall call Chav Avenue, or 'Chavenue' for short, were ready to cash in with the benefits they could claim."Eet goze lyk diss yeah. I'm gettin, disrespeck'd, yah, coz ma 'ouse went and committed sewerside. I lost all ma special brew and fags and ma 10 DVD playaz that were tote'ly not stolen. And I feel lyk disrespected, d'ya get me? And now I ain't gotta job, do ya know wot a mean?" or "This is a shock. It somehow means I cannot work..." or words to that effect. They didn't work in the first place! It took me over a month to claim Job Seekers allowance when my bank account was into double figures for the first time in ever, yet they'll get seen to in a matter of days. They should work for their money. They could start with by repairing their own houses. It'd get the entirety of Chavenue to pitch in and work together; they all get something out of it; and builders don't have the fear that they'll get swindled and robbed.
November had one of the best day for television, as I recall. On a Wednesday, one could literally watch from quarter to 4 all the way to 10 past 11. We started with Countdown - where I watch to try and make naughty words but all I can manage is 'cat' or 'is.' And no matter what people say, Rachel Riley is better than Carol Vorderman in every way - pretty, intelligent, funny and much younger; next is Deal or No Deal where it is fun to watch people deal at £2,000 and realise they could have gone home with £100,000 more or get greedy and play 'til the end and only win £50. I also like how they believe there's a certain way to win when we all know it's chance. They just don't seem to know that; following that we have Come Dine With Me which is brilliant for one reason - Dave Lamb's sarcasm and wit. His endless put downs are the star attraction of the show, not the cooking or the people bitching about each other. Dave is a narrative genius; after that we have Celebrity Coach Trip, or Coach Trip feat. The Chuckle Brothers who are the only people I know and subsequently won; The Simpsons would then be on before we switch over to ITN because no one in this household cares about Hollyoaks. We'd rather hear about the Queen's Facebook page, thankyaverymuch; then onto the BBC we go to see the One Show (or as I call it, a toilet break); and after The One Show we get woken up and get some inspiration from Wallace & Gromit's World of Inventions; Jimmy Doherty's Food Factory - a cross between River Cottage and Brainiac - is then on after that; Nigel Slater's Simple Suppers is then next, because we all like good hearty, feel-good cookery show; The Apprentice follows afterwards, which I found myself watchin religiously; and then finally back to C4 to catch Rude Tube with the mad-as-ever Alex Zane for some internet video fun. Look at that list...go on. Apart from the news, which is more of a necessity than compulsive viewing, none of them programmes are on ITV. Mainly because they're rubbish 24/7. With the exception of anything with Harry Hill in. You can't go wrong with TV Burp or You've Been Framed to be honest.
BBC Children in Need was shown on the television. It featured performances from JLS, Susan Boyle and Cheryl Cole...all of which are ITV's responsibilities. All of which, coincidentally, are bad ITV responsibilities. This didn't seem help with the total. Now, there's nothing wrong with doing something for charity, but there is something wrong with a Telethon. There was probably a reason why, compared to last year, they raised more money than this year. Probably because it was better last year. Previously, a Children in Need themed programme would be shown when the news in on, like QI, but this year it was Mastermind and so was dreadful. Peter Andre. McFly performing and dancing. Loose Women performing a Girls Aloud song badly. Westlife. Who are they fooling? Can't Children in Need do some sort of deal and swap it with Comic Relief i.e. Have Red Nose Day annually and Children in Need every two years. The only good thing was the cross over of EastEnders and Coronation Street. And Tom Jones showing he can still belt out a cracking tune despite his age. And that was it. Nothing else was worth mentioning. The preview of the Doctor Who Christmas special was too short. Strictly Come Dancing isn't worth watching at the best of times, nevermind with one of the McFly people looking like he belongs in musical. And, what gets me is what happened to the £20-odd-million we gave them last year? And the year before? Still, it's enough to buy a Ferrari 250 GT ($10.9mill' a pop) with change. Sadly, they're all children and can't drive it. However, I did turn over when JLS did something because I found the rugby far more entertaining.
The Airbus A380-800 hit the news when one of its engines blew out mid-flight. Now, the A380 is the worlds biggest passenger airliner with two full decks running along its fuselage. A massive 463 people were on board Flight 32 when one of the Roll-Royce Trent engines gave up the ghost. Not only was the engine ruined but so was the controls, the fuel system and the landing gear. All vitally important as one another on a plane full of people. All in all, I don't think it was Roll-Royces fault. After all, they test their engines within an inch of their lives. So what could have possibly made this engine fail like in the picture below?
Other points of interest in November: Call of Duty: BLOPS was released to the world. Many people liked it. I didn't really see the appeal seeing that many of the major game reviewers gave it on average 9 out of 10. Which is nothing compared to Grand Theft Auto IV's average of 10 out of 10. Up yours silly fish game!; I saw Red - the film, not the metaphorical term for being angry - which is fantastic and got lots of things blowing up. What's not to like?; The X Factor is rigged and is as real as Dannii Minogue's face (like we didn't see that one coming in a million squillion years); Jason Manford did something fantastic. No, not his Skype sessions (even he laughs at that now) but leave the One Show. Matt Faker will now present it and I see no reason to ever watch it again. They were sapping Jase of his true tallent - making me laugh; I couldn't stand it any longer, so I bought myself a Playstation 3; Sebastian Vettel won the Formula One World Championship, beating Lewis Hamilton's youngest driver reign; Kate Middleton and Prince William declared they are to be married. I don't really care about this but Simon Cowell did. It was taking all the pages of publicity from him and his fiX Factor; comedy legend and one of my favourite film stars, Leslie Nielson from Airplane and The Naked Gun Trilogy sadly passed away. Everyone was like, surely you can't be serious and we hastily replied "I am being serious. And don't call me Shirley." He will be sorely missed; and this picture featuring Rio Ferdinand and Carlos Tevez gives us clarification on how footballers lose their watches.
DECEMBER
And so we end November and start the end of the year in the same way it started 12 months ago in January. Snow. But I've written about that before so in a nutshell: it snowed; blah, blah, blah; don't go out if necessary; blah, blah, blah; schools closed; blah, blah, blah; coldest since the 1950's; blah, blah and blah, the end. But it was a very cold "attack." A bus driver even had to quit his job because he ran over a snowman. Here's the video. Just ignore the insane ramblings of whoever is filming it. He should clearly be taken away by the men in white coats.
There's a moral in there somewhere. It's probably, don't be an idiot in the snow, but I personally think it's don't play chicken against a bus when you are snow man. It isn't going to end happily! It bought devastation to the world, or it might as well have done. Every time the news or the weather was on it was snow this, snow that. It disabled power lines on railways leaving me stuck at York and Doncaster station. No one could fly out, no one could drive out and no one could walk anywhere because the previous layer of snow had melted and froze and then got covered with another layer of snow. Last time the country was crippled. Now it was worse than crippled. I dunno, some sort of coma of cold. It's the same story with snow year in, year out. We aren't prepared. However, you have to laugh. I did see in a letter to a newspaper which went along the lines of something like: "Places like Norway and Sweden get this sort of weather every year and they seem to cope..." That's right! Because places like Norway and Sweden are prepared for it and we aren't prepared. If at all for anything. Like losing the World Cup.
With the election happening in May, there were bound to be a lot of people who were not going be happy bunnies, which is always the case. The riots for the hiking up of tuition fees at Universities shook the entire month of December. It was somewhat ironic that the majority of students/protesters that were being arrested were actually posh people. Students who study The Law of Science, The Science of Law, The Law of Law and Drama. Students who have been spoonfed everything from the womb. Students whose parents are figures of authority. Most notably Charlie Moore; the son of Pink Floyd guitarist Gary Moore. Let's be honest here, Gary Moore and Pink Floyd may not be on the go (at the moment) but being a rock artist with a career that has spanned a couple of decades and with millions in the bank, I think Charlie is in a better position than me when it comes to paying off debts and what not. Oh and even more ironically, he was arrested for swinging off the Union Flag on The Cenotaph and then claimed he didn't know what it was. And he's studying some History course. Hmmm, yes...
And of course, Christmas! Which started on the 12th of November because I saw the Coca-Cola advert. Say what you want about Christmas coming earlier each year but regardless, Christmas is a good time of the year. The same songs get played over and over again but we all love them. They may be rubbish and cheesy but, it's Christmas! I stand by and think that if Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmas Time was just a normal song of his, it would be awful, but because it's a Christmas song, it's brilliant. He has written better, beleive it or not but it gets tonnes of airplay each year. They all do! Jona Lewie, Wizzard, Slade, Wham!, Band Aid, and so on. Roy Wood of Wizzard could live off the royalties he gets from I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday forever. Christmas is the season to be jolly (fahla, lalalah, la lah la laah).
Other points of interest in December: With the shopping and weather battling with each other, QVC are telling people to print out and frame pictures of the items they have ordered and give it to whoever wrapped up. This is because they won't be delivering until next year. I would be mortified to get a picture of a Bose iPod combo speakers. Even more so if it was in a frame; The BAE Harrier (The "Jumpjet") retired out of service. I want to big it up a lot more so I will make another post in the new year; The Apprentice ended. I was dissapointed because now Wednesday television isn't worth watching; A nobody won the fiX Factor with a cover of the superb song Many of Horror by Biffy Clyro. If it's going to anything like a couple of years ago with Hallelujah then Biffy are set to make around about £250,000 a month from airplay. And they don't have to do anything! Mon the Biff'!
And that's the end of 2010! What a year it's been with it's live soaps and meat dresses. I bid this year and the decade goodbye...and good riddance? It's been slow but has it been fun? You tell me.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
WARNING: Don't read this if you spent hours queuing!
Are you sure your want me to carry on? Fare-thee-well, I shall
Today, a video game has just beat all records on this planet. People spent up to and above 30 hours queuing outside game stores all over Britain, in the freezing cold November weather, battling the elements the Gods threw at them. They fought through wind, rain and in some parts, even snow. Like on hills and mountains and stuff. I've written a few sentences and I can hear you screaming "What is this game? Please tell us for we are dying to know" even if you aren't. This game is of course, Call of Duty: Black Ops.
Now simply: why? Why is Call of Duty the best selling game ever?
As far as I can see the game is literally the same format time and time and time again. But so is Grand Theft Auto. And Need For Speed. And Burnout, and so on. But that isn't my jibe. The people, that's where my beef is. Whoooo would spend 30 hours waiting for A GAME? It's almost as bad as the people who queued for Harry Potter to come out (in the book sense not the closet sense. We'll be in for an even longer wait for that, now that there are no more books).
In my favouritest ever publication The Sun (simple things, simple minds) they highlighted Blops, as it known, because of its success. Actually, they didn't. They told how a video game can ruin a relationship. Oh my word! How can that be? What are video games becoming? It told the true tale of a man who is that obsessed with Call of Duty, he spends every waking minute shooting some teenager on the other side of the globe and his wife hates this "hobby" of his. She even said that it was becoming a second woman. The guy even snook his PS3 to a wedding and was found, rather embarrassingly, caught in the act of playing Call of Duty in a hotel room after saying he was going to the pub with a friend. Luckily, it wasn't his own wedding. Back in the days of Sonic the Hedgehog and Mario, everything was happy. Space Invaders is still stupidly addictive. But as far as splitting up a loving couple? Now, Euston, we do have a problem. Imagine the confrontation with the entire family and the explanation of the divorce. It would only be more awkward if one of them was actually a zombie drooling over the aspect of eating the families brains.
I stand by video games though. I have said it before that video games have become highly initiative in the past 10 years, which is a very short time. We've gone from 2D graphics to 3D, HD, interactivity that put you in the game and endless hours of joy and entertainment. Video games are the movies that you depict. But there's only one way that a war game can go. If you know your history, you should be able to predict who is going to win. Especially with it being set during the Vietnam War, a country that still has echoes of it's grisly past. I've never really seen eye to eye with a shoot-em up. Mainly because I see games like this as boring. I don't really see the appeal bouncing around a barren wasteland looking through my weapons to figure out which gun would be best to pick him off the top of the building. My head says "sniper rifle" in a very quiet voice but really both my head and my heart are shouting at me to use the rocket launcher - just to see this one bad guy go in a thousand directions at once. Out of the first person shooters I've played they've normally followed the same pattern each time: Start playing, run around, shoot the walls and doors and anything that isn't an enemy, run out of ammunition, see an enemy who ultimately starts shooting at me for no reason I can see (probably just had a really bad day), die, start again, blow up that baddy with my only rocket propelled grenade, run out of ammunition again, get shot again, turn it off and go fetch my guitar.
£50 for a game and another 250 quid on top of that for the console, if you're starting from the bottom. I've spent more than a thousand pounds on instruments. People may say I've wasted my money but honestly, that's not bothering me. I must say, it's rather a feat of accomplishment. So in conclusion, I will never wait for more than a day to get a video game. I am excited at the fact that in the near future, I will possibly own a PlayStation 3 and hopefully get with it Test Drive: Unlimited 2. Mainly because it has Ferrari on the car list and the only time I've ever "driven" a Ferrari in a video game was in OutRun at a Skegness arcade, in which I drifted a 288 GTO. Call of Duty on the other hand - I'd rather spend my 50 squids on guitar strings.
Today, a video game has just beat all records on this planet. People spent up to and above 30 hours queuing outside game stores all over Britain, in the freezing cold November weather, battling the elements the Gods threw at them. They fought through wind, rain and in some parts, even snow. Like on hills and mountains and stuff. I've written a few sentences and I can hear you screaming "What is this game? Please tell us for we are dying to know" even if you aren't. This game is of course, Call of Duty: Black Ops.
Now simply: why? Why is Call of Duty the best selling game ever?
As far as I can see the game is literally the same format time and time and time again. But so is Grand Theft Auto. And Need For Speed. And Burnout, and so on. But that isn't my jibe. The people, that's where my beef is. Whoooo would spend 30 hours waiting for A GAME? It's almost as bad as the people who queued for Harry Potter to come out (in the book sense not the closet sense. We'll be in for an even longer wait for that, now that there are no more books).
In my favouritest ever publication The Sun (simple things, simple minds) they highlighted Blops, as it known, because of its success. Actually, they didn't. They told how a video game can ruin a relationship. Oh my word! How can that be? What are video games becoming? It told the true tale of a man who is that obsessed with Call of Duty, he spends every waking minute shooting some teenager on the other side of the globe and his wife hates this "hobby" of his. She even said that it was becoming a second woman. The guy even snook his PS3 to a wedding and was found, rather embarrassingly, caught in the act of playing Call of Duty in a hotel room after saying he was going to the pub with a friend. Luckily, it wasn't his own wedding. Back in the days of Sonic the Hedgehog and Mario, everything was happy. Space Invaders is still stupidly addictive. But as far as splitting up a loving couple? Now, Euston, we do have a problem. Imagine the confrontation with the entire family and the explanation of the divorce. It would only be more awkward if one of them was actually a zombie drooling over the aspect of eating the families brains.
I stand by video games though. I have said it before that video games have become highly initiative in the past 10 years, which is a very short time. We've gone from 2D graphics to 3D, HD, interactivity that put you in the game and endless hours of joy and entertainment. Video games are the movies that you depict. But there's only one way that a war game can go. If you know your history, you should be able to predict who is going to win. Especially with it being set during the Vietnam War, a country that still has echoes of it's grisly past. I've never really seen eye to eye with a shoot-em up. Mainly because I see games like this as boring. I don't really see the appeal bouncing around a barren wasteland looking through my weapons to figure out which gun would be best to pick him off the top of the building. My head says "sniper rifle" in a very quiet voice but really both my head and my heart are shouting at me to use the rocket launcher - just to see this one bad guy go in a thousand directions at once. Out of the first person shooters I've played they've normally followed the same pattern each time: Start playing, run around, shoot the walls and doors and anything that isn't an enemy, run out of ammunition, see an enemy who ultimately starts shooting at me for no reason I can see (probably just had a really bad day), die, start again, blow up that baddy with my only rocket propelled grenade, run out of ammunition again, get shot again, turn it off and go fetch my guitar.
£50 for a game and another 250 quid on top of that for the console, if you're starting from the bottom. I've spent more than a thousand pounds on instruments. People may say I've wasted my money but honestly, that's not bothering me. I must say, it's rather a feat of accomplishment. So in conclusion, I will never wait for more than a day to get a video game. I am excited at the fact that in the near future, I will possibly own a PlayStation 3 and hopefully get with it Test Drive: Unlimited 2. Mainly because it has Ferrari on the car list and the only time I've ever "driven" a Ferrari in a video game was in OutRun at a Skegness arcade, in which I drifted a 288 GTO. Call of Duty on the other hand - I'd rather spend my 50 squids on guitar strings.
Monday, 8 November 2010
People write the strangest things...
...And no, I'm not just on about myself. Hahaha!
In fact I was reading The Sun newspaper, as you do, last Thursday. I then came to the letters page very near the back of the paper and couldn't help but laugh at why somebody had spent their own time to send the following message [in regards to Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay's outburst during his stint on the X Factor-y towards Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole]:
Jay Kay is a fool to break the golden rule of showbiz which is to never criticise other performers. His ignorant rant was not based on fact but rather his own perception. Dannii Minogue has more broad-based talent than JK. She is by turns a singer, dancer, actor, model, author, mother, fashion designer, TV presenter and judge and mentor on two prime-time TV shows on two continents, not to mention her chart success.
I looked at it and thought that this was metaphorical heaven and blog-post gold. Let's break up this silly mans (it is a man) letter to The Sun and enjoy it for it's comedy value and why he's wrong. Starting with point one;
Jay Kay is not a fool to break the rule in showbiz about criticising other performers. It happens all the time. A critisism can be a positive or negative view. Not being able to have your own humble opinion on anything if you're in the public eye is impossible; anything you will say, it will probably end up in Heat magazine or some bullcrap like that. Yes, Jay's opinion was negative but there is no one there stopping him from saying it
I'd say, in Jay's defense that he was correct when he said that both Cheryl and Dannii were useless. They are...but lo...Mr. Newspaper-posty-man gives a detailed list on what Dannii Minogue has done in her career. Singing, dancing, actor, etc. But she hasn't sung in donkey's years; she acted in Aussie soaps so we don't know how bad she was (I'm guessing very); anyone can write a book but she didn't even do that by herself; she may be a model but with a face full of creosote and collagen or whatever it's called, it just makes natural models look better; and to make matters worse, she is a judge on car crash telly that is fighting a losing battle to the Grim Reaper. And what chart success? Apart from the UK Dance Charts because Australia didn't want it. Even album sales... 7 million worldwide album sales for Miss Minogue. No, not like her better sister, Kylie ("I want to be famous like my sister nowwwww!"). Mr Kay on the other hand has 25 million worldwide...
Jay's new album even charted at number 7 in the album charts on Sunday. Agreed, 7th isn't the best place to enter the charts but at least it's in the top 10. Dannii? Where's yours this decade? Oh and the guy who posted his letter didn't even mention poor Cheryl which just goes to show that someone out there thinks less of Cheryl than the "British Nation."
With figures like that impressive 25 mil', Jay is in the right place to criticise! I take my massively oversized, silly hat off to you Mr James Kay. Seems that Dannii really is a jack of all trades sort of person. And master of absolutely sod all!
In fact I was reading The Sun newspaper, as you do, last Thursday. I then came to the letters page very near the back of the paper and couldn't help but laugh at why somebody had spent their own time to send the following message [in regards to Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay's outburst during his stint on the X Factor-y towards Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole]:
Jay Kay is a fool to break the golden rule of showbiz which is to never criticise other performers. His ignorant rant was not based on fact but rather his own perception. Dannii Minogue has more broad-based talent than JK. She is by turns a singer, dancer, actor, model, author, mother, fashion designer, TV presenter and judge and mentor on two prime-time TV shows on two continents, not to mention her chart success.
I looked at it and thought that this was metaphorical heaven and blog-post gold. Let's break up this silly mans (it is a man) letter to The Sun and enjoy it for it's comedy value and why he's wrong. Starting with point one;
Jay Kay is not a fool to break the rule in showbiz about criticising other performers. It happens all the time. A critisism can be a positive or negative view. Not being able to have your own humble opinion on anything if you're in the public eye is impossible; anything you will say, it will probably end up in Heat magazine or some bullcrap like that. Yes, Jay's opinion was negative but there is no one there stopping him from saying it
I'd say, in Jay's defense that he was correct when he said that both Cheryl and Dannii were useless. They are...but lo...Mr. Newspaper-posty-man gives a detailed list on what Dannii Minogue has done in her career. Singing, dancing, actor, etc. But she hasn't sung in donkey's years; she acted in Aussie soaps so we don't know how bad she was (I'm guessing very); anyone can write a book but she didn't even do that by herself; she may be a model but with a face full of creosote and collagen or whatever it's called, it just makes natural models look better; and to make matters worse, she is a judge on car crash telly that is fighting a losing battle to the Grim Reaper. And what chart success? Apart from the UK Dance Charts because Australia didn't want it. Even album sales... 7 million worldwide album sales for Miss Minogue. No, not like her better sister, Kylie ("I want to be famous like my sister nowwwww!"). Mr Kay on the other hand has 25 million worldwide...
Jay's new album even charted at number 7 in the album charts on Sunday. Agreed, 7th isn't the best place to enter the charts but at least it's in the top 10. Dannii? Where's yours this decade? Oh and the guy who posted his letter didn't even mention poor Cheryl which just goes to show that someone out there thinks less of Cheryl than the "British Nation."
With figures like that impressive 25 mil', Jay is in the right place to criticise! I take my massively oversized, silly hat off to you Mr James Kay. Seems that Dannii really is a jack of all trades sort of person. And master of absolutely sod all!
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Snow
As I type this it is currently the 13th of January, just gone 11 o'clock. We, as a nation, are currently facing weather disaster! Snow. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Some one has surely got this all wrong. Disaster? Since when was snow a disaster? Snow is a wonderful thing! Snow unites people. I remember in February last year, I was rather sociable. It brought me and my friends together. A year later we get some of the white stuff and now all of a sudden, we go into panic overload.
Currently gritters are running out of grit. Schools have been closed and I am suffering from a sore throat that whenever I giggle, sounds like I'm on the peak of my voice breaking. Although that's not a distaster. The news has been stating it's a disaster. What's lacking is common sense. You here these people of losing their lives by falling into ice, which is tragic, I make that utterly clear. But what are you doing on the ice in the first place? Poke the bear for too long, he's going to have you on toast! Get off the damn ice. "What happens if I jump up and down on it?" You're going to fall through.
"Don't go out unless it's completely necessary." What is completely necessary? Stocking up I can understand. Work is necessary, yet for some people it could take 3 hours to get there due to bad traffic. Needing to go to the hospital is necessary, especially if you have an appointment, but if everyone took the same "Nah, it's too cold to go to work. It's not necessary" approach like school teachers do, then you're going to be left knocking at the door, wondering where everyone is.
It's ridiculous! Stop going into a mad, frantic panic NEWS PEOPLE and go sledging!
Currently gritters are running out of grit. Schools have been closed and I am suffering from a sore throat that whenever I giggle, sounds like I'm on the peak of my voice breaking. Although that's not a distaster. The news has been stating it's a disaster. What's lacking is common sense. You here these people of losing their lives by falling into ice, which is tragic, I make that utterly clear. But what are you doing on the ice in the first place? Poke the bear for too long, he's going to have you on toast! Get off the damn ice. "What happens if I jump up and down on it?" You're going to fall through.
"Don't go out unless it's completely necessary." What is completely necessary? Stocking up I can understand. Work is necessary, yet for some people it could take 3 hours to get there due to bad traffic. Needing to go to the hospital is necessary, especially if you have an appointment, but if everyone took the same "Nah, it's too cold to go to work. It's not necessary" approach like school teachers do, then you're going to be left knocking at the door, wondering where everyone is.
It's ridiculous! Stop going into a mad, frantic panic NEWS PEOPLE and go sledging!
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Fame
Gather some people in a room and ask them to put their hands up if they want to be famous and I bet you they will. Everyone wants to be famous but it always has a price to pay and this is what I'm gonna be delving into. People are generally quite nosey, as far as my understanding. Celebrities are like that window that allows people to look in and see how different or similar they are to each other. Famous people are a laugh. Tom Cruise, for instance is short, and that's funny. And yet you know who I'm on about because he's a well known actor, he's appeared in films you have probably seen, and he is friends with David Beckham, which has to be a round of applause for sustainability. How does he cope? Probably the wealth. That's what people really want. The wealth to buy all the fast cars, the big houses and the helicopters. And the way to get that is to either be a lottery winner, which is a game of chance. Honestly, you have more chance of winning Mouse Trap. Unless you're really lucky, that is. So, the next way to become easily wealthy without having to do much is to be famous. And people would like to get famous easily, which logically doesn't add up.
Sir Alan Sugar rolls in his Rolls(-Royce) because he has worked incredibly hard to get his wealth and so has Tom Cruise, no matter how short he is. The same goes with Bill Gates. Apparently, if he kept his dollar notes under his mattress, it would take him 5 years to hit the floor if he falls out of bed. Some people want to get from A (which is normal, everyday person) to C (incredibly rich) without the B part (HARD WORK). They'll do it any way necessary. Cue reality TV. I'm am of course referring to Big Brother, X Factor and Britain's Got Talent. Quality TV it isn't. It is only watchable because we like to see people we don't know fail. That's the only reason I seem to watch it. To see Simon Cowell shun a nobody. It makes us feel better about ourselves. I don't particularly like what the end product is either. I say end product because the only winner is Simon Cowell. And also put this in perspective. The boy band JLS from X Factor (2008) have got a number one selling single in the UK charts. It's theirs forever and ever and no one can take that away with them. The thing is, they didn't even win. How did that happen? Alexandra Burke came in in first and that's been that. It's claimed that she is in the process of making an album. Without releasing a single before the album is out to prove that work is being done? Hmmm, we do have a problem. The same goes with another X Factor winner called Leon Jackson (2007), got DROPPED by his label, Sony BGM for not selling enough albums. That's right, they jilted him! He's now touring with runner-ups Same Difference, who if you covered in wax, would rival Babybell in cheesiness. It's all very hollow. Big Brother is probably the worst culprit. The difference between the Big Brother and a zoo is the camera coverage. It's no surprise that after 2010, it will be axed by Channel 4. Because it's boring the life out of everyone. It's past its sell by date. Once upon a time, TV could be held responsible for making all matter of decent shows. Now it wants to vomits out reality TV which, and there's no other way of putting this, cheap. Actors, scriptwriters and other experts cost and it's simple to just get a handful of wannabe fame seekers, put them in house together or get them to sing and take it from there, keeping the people in who you want to keep and sling the rest out on their sorry backsides where they belong. All with a phone call of course, giving Mr Tvchannelman a hefty profit and hardly a blind bit of notice to whoever wins. Winning should be rewarding and glorious but in this case, it's as fake as a Japanese watch sold at a market.
The only way to truly succeed is to work really hard. The one's who do receive fame should be in my opinion, actors, musicians (as opposed to the tosh X Factor gives you. I mean proper instrumentalists and proper singers and vocalists, not karaoke singers), comedians (because we all need to laugh) and some sport personalities to name but a few. F1 drivers give a bit of a spark when something potentially goes wrong. Rugby features tough guys against more tough guy. Generally being a battle. Golf...ah, that's where it ends. Unless one of them gets struck by lightning conducted by their club. Footballers aren't sportsmen. I don't see how kicking a bit of rubber up and down a field for 90 minutes should result in a player getting paid more than a brain or heart surgeon who can save a precious human life. Football isn't a sport. It's a popularity contest between big egos. Christiano Ronaldo was sold to Real Madrid by Manchester United Carpets and Beds for and incredible amount of money. £80 million! Why? If I had £80 million to spend, I'd buy him. And I wouldn't even use him for football. He would do the jobs I find boring and tedious like pulling up weeds. He'd also make a very good dartboard. That'll be £80 million well spent if that's the case. He's 24 and he owned a Ferrari 599, smashed it up and got let off scott free. If I was to do that, the expense in insurance would be enough to wake the dead. "Oh it's cos he's a footballer!" Footballer shouldn't be a title. It should be a punishment. I'm even going to send in my idea to the Football Association to put a time bomb inside the football and only I'll know when it will detonate. Which'll show them whose boss. They don't deserve any of the credit. Writing about the Bomball (as I will now call it), I realise the same thing could be done with Big Brother. To spice things up, put a revolver in there and see who resorts to it. Alternatively, they could all play reverse Russian Roulette. As in, take one bullet out and leave the rest in. Do this with 12 guns and give them all one and see who clicks first. Note: May need to do a lot of window/mirror cleaning after this takes place. I also don't like the fact that some of them take their status for granted and flaunt it. But I do like to make fun. Here we go... Katie Price - also known as glamour model Jordan (I'm using the term "glamour" loosely. In fact I don't even want to use the word "glamour.") - recently mentioned in a newspaper, and I quote "...It's not like I can't pull anything..." Fine then. She can start with pulling a cart and then move on up to stagecoaches if she's finding that too easy! It's the media gone mad the majority of the time. The otherway around is also true. What also makes me laugh is the fact that some of them don't like being under that media spotlight. They don't like it when they're photographed stumbling out of a cab after a few drinks. Some of them despise being photographed full stop. Which doesn't make sense. They want the fame, the money, the big houses and whatever but they go into a hissy fit when they're seen at their worst.
And when they get it right, they do indeed get it right. Steven Hawking is famous for having an astonishing mind. Sir Paul McCartney is famous for being in one of the biggest pop bands on earth, The Beatles. Johnny Depp is extremely untypecast as an actor, meaning he can play almost anyone from Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean, to the dark and sinister demon barber, Sweeney Todd. And Arnold Schwarzenegger is up there for being the Terminator and the Governor of California. You can go one better with Morgan Freeman. God and The President of the United States. This makes a lot more sense. These are what people really want to be. But the Big Brother route isn't an option. Because it's being axed (I'm getting a buzz just from writing that. I'm going to do it again. Big Brother is being axed). Put the hard work in and you'll be rewarded. Now, get them same people in a room, get them to read this and ask them "who wants to be famous?" For those who think about and plan it out, it may just well work. For those of them who just put their hand up without so much as thinking, send them to line up for Britain's Got Talent. I dunno, we'll get them to juggle fire engines.
Sir Alan Sugar rolls in his Rolls(-Royce) because he has worked incredibly hard to get his wealth and so has Tom Cruise, no matter how short he is. The same goes with Bill Gates. Apparently, if he kept his dollar notes under his mattress, it would take him 5 years to hit the floor if he falls out of bed. Some people want to get from A (which is normal, everyday person) to C (incredibly rich) without the B part (HARD WORK). They'll do it any way necessary. Cue reality TV. I'm am of course referring to Big Brother, X Factor and Britain's Got Talent. Quality TV it isn't. It is only watchable because we like to see people we don't know fail. That's the only reason I seem to watch it. To see Simon Cowell shun a nobody. It makes us feel better about ourselves. I don't particularly like what the end product is either. I say end product because the only winner is Simon Cowell. And also put this in perspective. The boy band JLS from X Factor (2008) have got a number one selling single in the UK charts. It's theirs forever and ever and no one can take that away with them. The thing is, they didn't even win. How did that happen? Alexandra Burke came in in first and that's been that. It's claimed that she is in the process of making an album. Without releasing a single before the album is out to prove that work is being done? Hmmm, we do have a problem. The same goes with another X Factor winner called Leon Jackson (2007), got DROPPED by his label, Sony BGM for not selling enough albums. That's right, they jilted him! He's now touring with runner-ups Same Difference, who if you covered in wax, would rival Babybell in cheesiness. It's all very hollow. Big Brother is probably the worst culprit. The difference between the Big Brother and a zoo is the camera coverage. It's no surprise that after 2010, it will be axed by Channel 4. Because it's boring the life out of everyone. It's past its sell by date. Once upon a time, TV could be held responsible for making all matter of decent shows. Now it wants to vomits out reality TV which, and there's no other way of putting this, cheap. Actors, scriptwriters and other experts cost and it's simple to just get a handful of wannabe fame seekers, put them in house together or get them to sing and take it from there, keeping the people in who you want to keep and sling the rest out on their sorry backsides where they belong. All with a phone call of course, giving Mr Tvchannelman a hefty profit and hardly a blind bit of notice to whoever wins. Winning should be rewarding and glorious but in this case, it's as fake as a Japanese watch sold at a market.
The only way to truly succeed is to work really hard. The one's who do receive fame should be in my opinion, actors, musicians (as opposed to the tosh X Factor gives you. I mean proper instrumentalists and proper singers and vocalists, not karaoke singers), comedians (because we all need to laugh) and some sport personalities to name but a few. F1 drivers give a bit of a spark when something potentially goes wrong. Rugby features tough guys against more tough guy. Generally being a battle. Golf...ah, that's where it ends. Unless one of them gets struck by lightning conducted by their club. Footballers aren't sportsmen. I don't see how kicking a bit of rubber up and down a field for 90 minutes should result in a player getting paid more than a brain or heart surgeon who can save a precious human life. Football isn't a sport. It's a popularity contest between big egos. Christiano Ronaldo was sold to Real Madrid by Manchester United Carpets and Beds for and incredible amount of money. £80 million! Why? If I had £80 million to spend, I'd buy him. And I wouldn't even use him for football. He would do the jobs I find boring and tedious like pulling up weeds. He'd also make a very good dartboard. That'll be £80 million well spent if that's the case. He's 24 and he owned a Ferrari 599, smashed it up and got let off scott free. If I was to do that, the expense in insurance would be enough to wake the dead. "Oh it's cos he's a footballer!" Footballer shouldn't be a title. It should be a punishment. I'm even going to send in my idea to the Football Association to put a time bomb inside the football and only I'll know when it will detonate. Which'll show them whose boss. They don't deserve any of the credit. Writing about the Bomball (as I will now call it), I realise the same thing could be done with Big Brother. To spice things up, put a revolver in there and see who resorts to it. Alternatively, they could all play reverse Russian Roulette. As in, take one bullet out and leave the rest in. Do this with 12 guns and give them all one and see who clicks first. Note: May need to do a lot of window/mirror cleaning after this takes place. I also don't like the fact that some of them take their status for granted and flaunt it. But I do like to make fun. Here we go... Katie Price - also known as glamour model Jordan (I'm using the term "glamour" loosely. In fact I don't even want to use the word "glamour.") - recently mentioned in a newspaper, and I quote "...It's not like I can't pull anything..." Fine then. She can start with pulling a cart and then move on up to stagecoaches if she's finding that too easy! It's the media gone mad the majority of the time. The otherway around is also true. What also makes me laugh is the fact that some of them don't like being under that media spotlight. They don't like it when they're photographed stumbling out of a cab after a few drinks. Some of them despise being photographed full stop. Which doesn't make sense. They want the fame, the money, the big houses and whatever but they go into a hissy fit when they're seen at their worst.
And when they get it right, they do indeed get it right. Steven Hawking is famous for having an astonishing mind. Sir Paul McCartney is famous for being in one of the biggest pop bands on earth, The Beatles. Johnny Depp is extremely untypecast as an actor, meaning he can play almost anyone from Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean, to the dark and sinister demon barber, Sweeney Todd. And Arnold Schwarzenegger is up there for being the Terminator and the Governor of California. You can go one better with Morgan Freeman. God and The President of the United States. This makes a lot more sense. These are what people really want to be. But the Big Brother route isn't an option. Because it's being axed (I'm getting a buzz just from writing that. I'm going to do it again. Big Brother is being axed). Put the hard work in and you'll be rewarded. Now, get them same people in a room, get them to read this and ask them "who wants to be famous?" For those who think about and plan it out, it may just well work. For those of them who just put their hand up without so much as thinking, send them to line up for Britain's Got Talent. I dunno, we'll get them to juggle fire engines.
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