Jesus vs Zombies - Part One: In The Beginning...

I know it's called the Observation Blog and is full of my outlook on the world. But this is technically a story, and it all came about from me observing something my friend Rowan sent to me the other day on Facebook that he 'shopped whilst we were still at school. In fact, here it is...

This prompted me to write the story of Jesus vs Zombies -  a one-off one of the kind story, written in a not too dissimilar vein to that of the story of Thy Holy Vending Machine. In the words of Rainier Wolfcastle from The Simpsons "Eet is a mixture of action und comedy" (as told as accurately as I can possibly write it). It really is a story of two halves - A tale and accompanying it, my own dodgy photoshop attempts. Once this is out of the way, I'll get back onto writing my observations. Please note, this isn't insulting, it's just a bit of fun. Read it all and you'll find out who wins. Whether you're for Christianity or Zombianity, this isn't making fun of either...anyway...

And this story goes a little like this...

It was a quiet, sunny Thursday afternoon in Nazareth, AD30. The shops were open as usual, the people where contented with their lives and jobs and everything was going fantastically well. It is as typical as you'd expect in a place and a time like this. 

"Isn't it a fine day, Mara?" announced Asher the Happy to his wife. 

Mara the Miserable replied "you can talk. I think I have leprosy, I'm going to be sacked from my job and I didn't win the lottery last night."

"I know of a local man who can help you in your time of need. He lives down the road and he's got a reputation of being a wise and learned man with very good contacts" Asher told his wife. "I can pop over later and ask when I pick up Lamech from school. He's very good. Do you remember Mahlon the Sick? The Chef...? Kept vomiting all the time...he did the catering at your sisters wedding" 

His wife nodded in agreement "ah yes. We were advised to stay away from the vegetable soup," she said. 

"Well, this guy had a stern talking with him and now Mahlon is no longer sick. The only thing he's sick of now is his name. People say he works miracles." Mara was intrigued so she urged her husband to go and check this man out. True to his word, Asher left early to try and catch the wise and learned man who helped Mahlon the Sick stop being sick. Asher walked into a marvelous building where the man with these answers was based. He came to the reception and said a nervous "hello." 

"Hello there sir, how may we be of service to you today?" questioned the receptionist. 

"Yes, I've heard that there was a man that may be able to help my wife..." replied Asher. The receptionist told Asher to go to the third floor and down the corridor to room number 302. Asher followed her directions and knocked firmly on this door.

"Please come in" said a heavenly voice. "I've been expecting you. I've have been told that your wife has been having some difficulties"

"H...h...how did you know that I was going to be paying a visit? And my wife. How do you know about her?" said Asher, nervously. 

"Divine intervention, I think it's called. Nah, only kidding! Stephanie just gave me a buzz over the intercom. She told me all the details, it's fine. I'm not here to scare you, my brother. Please. Take a seat and we shall begin." spoke the man. Asher took refuge on the big sofa that adorned the mans office. "I'm Jesus" said the man. Asher sat bolt upright. "You!" Asher was shocked. "You!" He said again. "That Christmas. 30 years ago. It was you. Th...th...the virgin birth. Almighty son of God!" Jesus looked at Asher.

"Now, now...there's no need to use my, or dads name in vain. Please. Relax. I'm here to help you. Please, tell me. What is the matter with your wife?"

Asher, sitting back in the large sofa, said "She's very upset. She didn't win the lottery last night. She was furious that Dale Winton didn't pick her numbers. I told her the lottery doesn't work like that but she refused to listen to what I have to say."

"Yeah, I'm not that sort of 'help' per say. I mean, I can perform miracles but predicting the lottery numbers...I'm not Derren Brown" Jesus remarked. 

"Well, she's also scared about losing her job. It's bringing her down ever so much. What can you do in this instance?" Jesus handed Asher a leaflet. 

"We're trying to branch out to different locations around the nation and indeed the world so get your wife to join and she'll be in the job forever. We've got loads of positions going. Organ players. Prayer readers. You name it, I think she'll fit right in here" Jesus continued. Asher looked on in awe and a huge smile spread across his face as if to say that this was perfect. "And finally" Asher spoke up. "My wife is very ill. She has the worst disease known to man (at the moment). She thinks she is a Leper my Lord." 

"Let me seek some advice and guidance...Daaaaaad!"

A voice boomed "What is it?"

"A man needs some help with his wife. Any advice?" Jesus beamed as saw a page open up on his computer screen and so he typed...

...but the internet connection was down even though the router had been turned off and back on again many times.

"It's not working Dad!" Jesus shouted at the ceiling.

"Try giving him our offer" the ceiling said.

"What I can do you, is a deal. I've got this handy all in one package that cures leprosy and whole load of other diseases, including blindness and also give access to all the inns in Bethlehem as rehabilitation. There's one with this fantastic stable, I recommend it. It's not as quick as my healing hands but it does the job but I'd say it's a bargain. You are getting all this from a man you can trust...even though you've only just met me." said Jesus "we'll even throw in a donkey to take you to your retreat. Just get your wife to follow the instructions and simply follow the bright light."

"Why thank you Lord. I shall take that" finished Asher and he paid for his handy package and was away to pick up his son and tell him the good news about this 'miracle.'

Jesus sat back in his big office chair, thinking about the job he did very well. 

BUUUUUZZZZZZZ "My Lord, we've got a major disturbance outside!" came the intercom.

"Stephanie, don't do that. You scared the me out of me. What seems to be the problem?" Jesus exclaimed.

"There's a massive group of people. They just ran away in terror." replied his secretary. Jesus had to think about this. What could the group of townspeople be running away from? 

"Lions? No...Aliens? I mean, seriously. Life on other planets? Dinosaurs? Pffft, doubt it." Then he stopped in an eerie silence and his face dropped. "Oh no...surely it can't be...!?"