The BRIT Awards 2011

The British music industry; once thriving with rock 'n' roll, Britpop, punk, synthpop of the 70's and 80's and of course cheesy 90's pop! There must be an award ceremony every year celebrating the best of the past years great music. These are musicians; music is an art and there are those who should be awarded for their contributions. But, that was in the past. This is 2011 where the music found in the charts is nothing like what it used to be. It's no surprise then that this years BRIT's I thought should have been spelt with a 'Sh' because oh my word was it a shamble. Admittedly, nothing went wrong, as an award ceremony it went the way it should have done. Perfect. The thing with it was the actual awards and who they went to...Ah. We do have a bit of a problem.

Set the scene at the beginning of the night. Filmed in the glorious O2 "Millennium Dome" Arena, the award ceremony was in-under way with a performance of Kids from manband, Take That. This was their first BRIT's as a 5 piece since reforminglab and you could tell Robbie Williams was there. He was the one that tried to out-do the other 4, ergo, not very well. Things started to take a turn for the weird when a million riot police officers entered the stage. I thought everything was going to kick off. No. They started dancing! If only they did this during the recent education fees riots.

Enter next, stage right, James Corden, the host! Big guy but strangely doesn't follow the formula for 'Fat = Funny.'  What was wrong with Peter Kay? He genuinely is funny. He was last year and his comment on Liam Gallagher from Oasis will go down as one of his best quips! But no. James showed us the new statuette, which my sister claims looked like a Barbie doll dressed as a Roman Centurion. Which is quiet a bold statement seeing as it was designed by Vivienne Westwood. How could it have gone so wrong? It did look like a Barbie doll draped in a union flag. The old BRIT was gold. Now, as an effort to cut back on money (?), it's now made of polystyrene! Gold is sparkly and you can shine it when you get bored. What can do with polystyrene apart from rubbing it with more polystyrene and make snow?

And to an award. The first one was British Male Solo Artist. Nominations included: Mark Ronson, Paul Weller, Plan B, Robert Plant and Tinie Tempah. There's two heavies of classic rock in there - Paul Weller of The Jam and Robert Plant from the almighty Led  Zeppelin. Of course, in an ideal world, the award would have surely gone to either of them. But we don't live in an ideal world which meant the award actually went to Ben Drew aka Plan B - A whiney voiced, Dermot O'leary looky-likey, London 'soul-rapper' who describes himself as a male Amy Winehouse. Of all the people to compare yourself to, why Amy Winehouse? Surely he could have said someone with a bit more street-cred. He accepted his award, or at least I think he did. I dunno. He murmered into his microphone so we shall never know. Either that or he is actually the dullest person in the known world. It makes you think though...If this is Plan B, how badly did Plan A have to fail before Plan B was a feesable option?

We then cut to James Corden and his new best friend, Justin Bieber. There's a talk that involves why Justin is there (and presumably why he is still up way past his bedtime). It then ends with him groping James Corden's face which has to be the most unsettling thing I've seen on television this year. There is not enough brain-bleach in the world...

Our next award, British Breakthrough Act, was presented by Fearne "I'm-still-eleven-years-old" Cotton. The nominees: Ellie Goulding, Mumford & Sons, Rumer, Tinie Tempah and The XX. To be brutally honest, none of them deserve it because they've all, apart from Rumer and The XX, have had enough time to get established. The winner was the gorky glasses wearing, Patrick Okogwu. Not a very street name. Hence why he's known as Little Tantrum. No, I mean, Tinie Tempah (forgive the spelling mistakes). Probably down to the success of his album Overy of Discs but mostly down to the fact that Frisky and Pass Out are played every-damned-time I go to a nightclub. Why do popstars wear them big glasses? I'm sure they can a). pay for better glasses, b). pay for contact lenses or c). get lasered. The only person who can make them glasses look good is Buddy Holly. And he's a legend. My sister says that they look like 3D glasses with the lenses knocked out. Tinie, you should have gone to Specsavers.

The next award of the night was International Album. Nominations (I'm going to start sounding like I'm presenting the awards soon) are: Arcade Fire - The Suburbs, Cee Lo Green - The Lady Killer, Eminem - Recovery, Katy Perry - Teenage Dream and Kings of Leon - Come Around Sundown. For a category in pop I would have to say Katy Perry should have won this but sticking to my band routes, I would have like Kings to have won. But no. They didn't. The Arcade Fire won. Whose voting for these? I've never heard anything by them. I've heard at least one song from the rest of them but nothing springs to mind from The Arcade Fire. "The guy in the weird blazer" told me to Google them. So I did. To find out who they were! This is what happens when America tries to imitate our precious Indie Rock. It's like DVD's from over there. It doesn't work!

Rihanna then did a performance in some spaghetti and set the stage on fire. Literally! Afterwards we were treated to the Critics Choice Award. No word of the nominees on the night - a bit harsh, it's their night too - but they were Jessie J, The Vaccines and James Blake. Jessie J won the award. Believe it or not, Jessie wrote songs for Miley Cyrus so cheesey pop is in her veins. And I thought Billy Ray Cyrus wrote them all...

Next on our agenda was a performance from past by Mumford & Sons who own a banjo. They sang about valleys and what-not and my eagle-eyed sister noticed that they were a bit like Cletus Spuckler from The Simpsons. "Brandine, I done busted my stink-bowl," "Hey I can call my Ma from up here...Hey Ma! Get off the dang roof" and "I cain't. I jus simply cain't" where all thrown around. I've said it before, banjo's don't work in 'bands' unless you're a blue-grass band or simply doing a one off like Travis did in Sing.Travis aren't Yokels for a start. It just all seems a bit too...erm...Deliverance to me! The less said about that, the better. But it was 3 minutes of my life that I'll never get back. That was the performance by the way...

It was all about the music this year (wasn't it last year?) and the next award showed us the nominations for International Male Solo Artist: Bruce Springsteen, Cee Lo Green, David Guetta, Eminem and Kanye West. Bruce Springsteen to win? Nah, who am I kidding? Cee Lo Green actually. Wait, this isn't too bad. He's one who deserves his award. Well done Cee Lo! But thankfully, it wasn't David Guetta, who just presses 'play.' Next...

A big one...British Single - Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull - All Night Long, Cheryl Cole - Parachute, Florence & The Machine - You’ve Got The Love, Matt Cardle - When We Collide, Olly Murs - Please Don’t Let Me Go, Plan B - She Said, Scouting For Girls - This Ain’t A Love Song, Taio Cruz - Dynamite, Tinie Tempah - Pass Out and The Wanted - All Time Low. None of them need this! And look at this...count them. There's 1...2...3...FOUR X Factor related songs there. Thankfully Little Tantrum walked away with award leaving Simon Cowell crying into his gold-leaf satin-velvet pillows. Swings and roundabouts! Patrick didn't make a very good speech. He wanted his good rapper friend Labrinth to join him on stage for this award. But Labrinth was no where to be seen. Maybe he had gone off in anger at not being nominated but his friend had twice. And won twice. This caused me and my sister to shout "get on with it!" at the screen.

After this encounter with the American Indie band (it doesn't work!) we go back to see what 14 year old Plan B could deliver. Honestly, he looked like more like Ben Mitchell when he was in court last year in EastEnders than a London rapper! There was a judge playing the drums too. Just like the real world. This soon turned into a riot. Again, more riot police. What is it with riot police? That's twice tonight. It ended with Plan's hand bleeding, people beating up other people (who we thought weren't part of the act. That would have been a turn up for the books...It was pretty brutal to say the least) and a guy being set on fire. Was it just me or was that just a little bit harsh for a squeeky clean award ceremony?

The award everyone was dreading, International Breakthrough Act. The nominees were: Bruno Mars, Glee Cast, Justin Bieber, The National and The Temper Trap. Lo and behold the little girl that is Justin Bieber won. I decided there and then that the British Music Industry really has taken a dive into shark invested hydrochloric acid. He can now add it to his collection of other dolls that he has. Who or what thinks that the best International Act to come out of America (because that is classed as "International" now-a-days) last year should be a 16-year-old lipstick-wearing boring untalented uneducated pre-broken voiced schoolboy?

Moving swiftly away from one girl to another for British Female Solo Artist. The acts nominated were: Cheryl Cole, Ellie Goulding, Laura Marling, Paloma Faith and Rumer. I have no idea who Laura Marling is, what style she sings and indeed what she sings. But Mastercard somehow do and so they awarded her with the BRIT. Sister says she could have made a bit more effort with her dress sense. Too true. She did look like she was on day release from the funny farm. And yes, that was the sound of a "National Treasure" hitting the bottle.

Finally, we got to hear a song by The Arcade Fire! Turns out they jump around a lot and have a keyboard player that looks like she hits shoe soles as percussion. And I still don't remember any of it. Must have been the reason why they won the award earlier.

James Corden went to speak with last years British Male Solo Artist, Mark Ronson (who is famous for covering other peoples songs). He said that his favourite band in the world had just played live on stage causing speculation that Mark is actually a suck-up. The voice over lady, who hasn't sounded excited at all tonight, told us to come back after the break as Tinie Tempah has an explosive performance coming up. Again wishfully thinking I waited. It wasn't as explosive as I thought. It featured a lot of Tinie clones and some bad lyrics and absolutely no explosions. I was disappointed

International Female Solo Artist was next up with Cheryl Cole presenting the awards. She appeared to be a bit tipsy. Ahh, nothing like drowning your sorrows when you don't win, eh Chezza? And she knew she wouldn't win this one because Newcastle isn't international. Yet. Nominees were: Alicia Keys, Katy Perry, Kylie Minogue, Rihanna and Robyn. Since Katy Perry didn't win the last award she was nominated then she deserved this one even more. Unfortunately it was given to Rihanna - famous of course for repeating a lot of the chorus. ("Umbrella-ella-ella", "Rude Boy-Boy", "Ooh na-na, what's my name" etc). Alright, I did think she deserved this though but still not as much as Miss Perry/Mrs Brand. Well done Rihanna-anna-anna-eh-eh-eh...

British Group was the next category. The acts that were nominated were: Biffy Clyro, Gorillaz, Mumford & Sons, Take That and The XX. There are two there I desperately wanted to win. Biffy Clyro have been the rock revolution that came early last year, way before uber-div Matt Cardle came along and ruined a wonderful song, so they should have won it, hands down. Gorillaz showed us that they can pack out Glastonbury and that Damon Albarn has still got his creative spark. But as with the way with things, neither of them got the award. Take That did. Robbie Williams said "Shabba" of the success. Shabba is Randomish for "good" according to the Urban Dictionary. Glad we're clear on this.

And finally! The last award of the night - the coveted MasterCard British Album of the Year. Here were the nominations: Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More, Plan B - The Defamation of Strickland Banks, Take That - Progress, Tinie Tempah - Disc-Overy and The XX - XX. Again, it was the same sh...ugar different award. None of them should own the award for Album of the Year. But The Fokel Yokel's got it. Bleeding Mumford & Sons. If this is what we're starting to like then God help us all! If music from the 14th century is what we British crave then I am ashamed of the music industry as it stands today. It looks like I won't be following the removal companies advice. I'll be sighing for a lot longer now. We needn't worry though because the night was wrapped up by Cee Lo Green and Paloma Faith which was a great ending to an atrocious ceremony.

My point is all my favourite songs from last year were mostly from America. Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, I'm pointing the finger at you. We have this rich heritage for epic music. From rock, we've had The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Queen, David Bowie, U2, Blur and Radiohead. From synthpop and dance we've had Duran Duran, Tubeway Army, Depeche Mode, Calvin Harris, The Chemical Brothers and FatBoy Slim. And then up to and through the 2000's we had Keane, Kaiser Chiefs, Franz Ferdinand, The Fratellis, Muse, Editors, Hard-FI and Coldplay. All of these still get airplay and in some cases are still at it. We can prove to the world we can make globally recognised music that is loved by anyone at anytime. Now it looks like all we can produce is some nobody who has won a talent contest because of a phone vote. Or the best band we can produce are 4 men who let their significant other back in because he's a bit strapped for cash. We don't make great tunes for 50 years and then give up because Simon Cowell says so. We can do it. We just need to get motivated otherwise the biggest award ceremony of the year will be the Grammy's...Which I'm pretty sure it is.

Alright...subject aside. I know I've come across as harsh with this, especially when I said that no one deserves the awards they deserve. I don't not like any of these acts, they're all in their own way, artists. I admire them as musicians, singers and performers (it's only when they start miming. That's when my blood starts to boil). And the truth is, no one deserves any award for music. That looks bad but it isn't because obviously everyone would be liked to recognised for what they do. Truth be told, if like me you enjoy creating music, playing it, doing whatever with it, your reward should ultimately be the success and reputation you've gained no matter how well known you are or not. That means that it's the chance to say "yes, this is mine. People are liking this, I am happy." You don't need a polystyrene Barbie doll to tell you 'you've done so-and-so well.' Musicians shouldn't be in it to make a quick buck. They should do it because they enjoy it. If people like it and you start getting copious amounts of money for it then let that be a bi-product. At the start of my music "career," way back when The Vaultz's MySpace page (yes, that long ago) was created, an instrumentalist got in touch with us mistakenly thinking we had recently performed a gig. I replied to him that there must have been some mix-up as we had only just started a week or so ago. He, and I was grateful for the advice he gave, said (and I shall probably keep this with me until the day I die) something like "Never EVER do it for the money because if you do, you will fail daily. Do it because you want to do it" and he wished us success for the future. It was probably common sense but it was hauntingly stuck. It was sound advice from this wise Gandalf of the music world, whoever he was. Of course, being recognised is great. It shows you if you're going in the right direction. But it's not the thing you should be fighting for. And with that I say...stick up ya middle finger and bring on the NME awards!