Jesus vs Zombies - Part Five: Attacks and Assaults

"Amen" and the Disciples thundered out of the door in rampage...

The deathly silence was disrupted by the sound of the men's feet pounding the ground as they ran. Each and every one of them kept an eye out for each other as they sprinted away clutching what weapons they had. However, they ran right into disaster...

Jesus and the Disciples had no choice but to unleash the combat.
"Attaaaaaaaack" Jesus shouted and the Disciples followed his command and charged at the group of brain eating monsters. The New God Squad beat the zombies repeatedly over the head, smashing their skulls and destroying the brain. Heavy blow after heavy blow the zombies were trying their best to work up a bigger attack until one reached out and grabbed an unsuspecting Bartholomew around the neck.
"Arrghh! Help!" He yelped out, trying to stab the zombie behind him, but everyone else had their own problems.
"Don't worry brother" shouted Jesus, beating another zombie to the ground. "Pass me your knife." Bartholomew put his faith into Jesus and lobbed his trusty knife to him, which Jesus caught in his left hand and swiftly chucked it into his right. He flipped it so he was now holding the blade. Bartholomew was struggling trying to keep the zombie from biting him.
"Hurry" he struggled.
"Move your head slight to the right" Jesus shouted and the troubled disciple did so. Jesus gave a great lunge and threw the knife right in between the zombie's eyes, narrowly missing Bartholomew. The zombie let go, Bartholomew pulled the knife out of the zombies head and roundhouse kicked the zombie to the ground which Jude finished off with a mighty axe blow to the neck, beheading it.
"I think he got the point," Jesus coolly retorted.

The group kept attacking in a fury of blood, guts and brains. Zombies are easy to outwit so although it was a difficult procedure, no one got hurt, except the zombies. This first horde had been beaten to the ground into a gory mess.
"That's the lot of them" Jesus said proudly. Or was it? Because to the right...

And to the left...

And even scarier...!

Jesus turned around to the beardy man, thinking it was like some sort of twisted, eerie mirror that looked into the distant future. Andrew looked at him menacingly.
"Who the heck are you?" he asked.
"I'm Rob Zombie, the rock musician" replied the beardy man.
"What are you doing here? You do know that you're in the middle of a zombie rampage" asked Jesus
"Well, I'm only here because my image comes up when you type in 'zombie' into Google Images. I just thought it'd be highly ironic if I turn up mid story to, y'know, make it interesting" said the beardy man.
"You're not doing anything for the plot or the structure of the story; you're just filling up space. In fact, It's just absurd, uncalled for even, that you've popped up at this crucial moment in time. Mr Zombie, please leave. You're just getting in the way of our plan!" voiced Jesus.
The beardy man continued. "But, I'm a musician. I could..." and at that moment, a zombie came up behind him and started to eat him. The Disciples just looked on with this look on their faces...

...proving that it really is a dog eat dog world that all these happenings are taking place in. Or zombie eat Zombie, whichever way you look on at it. I'm happy nonetheless. Anyway, back to the seriousness...After eating Rob Zombie, the zombies turned their attention to the New God Squad with hungry eyes. They started to walk closer to the group started to back up into a corner. It was then Jesus looked at Matthew and had moment of genius.
"Don't do anything! I've got an idea..."
"What? Are you mad? Have you failed to notice this army of brain-eating ghouls? Are they not visible to you?" Judas asked. Jesus said nothing and the zombies staggered closer and closer.
"Oi!" Judas was getting more and more worried.
"Shhh" Jesus said closing his eyes, with the zombies now getting even closer to them, backing them into a corner
"Actually, Jesus...um, Messiah, this is getting really serious now" whimpered Simon, jingling his keys. Jesus put his hands together in prayer and started muttering to himself under his breath.
"Join me Brothers" he yelled and everyone else started to pray with him. Then Jesus took his hands apart and stretched to the sky.

"...forever and ever AMEN!"

The light shone out of his hands was a brilliant yellow and much brighter than that of his encounter on the bus. Like with the Romans, angels started to sing, quiet at first but then they got louder and louder and the light got brighter and brighter. The Disciples held their ears and covered their eyes; it was so loud and bright. Then there was final burst of almighty light and everything stopped including the zombies. Jesus relaxed and turned to the group.
"It was as easy as that," Jesus said. The zombies stood on and looked, dazed almost. People started to emerge from out of their houses and peered out of their windows, wondering what happened.
"You're safe..." Jesus boomed with a smile on his face. "It's okay!"

Asia and Motoring

It's home to the most people on Earth, Asia, with a staggering 60% of the worlds population and pollution residing there. Not to mention the crazy cartoons as well as other bizarre things in their culture deemed too hard to handle for us Westerners. Malaysia, Japan, China and South Korea all make cars. It seems that this part of the world tries to fit in with our part of the world. I'm not saying they're outsiders; they just have different ideas and features for road users than the rest of the world. It's in their genes I suppose. As we know, a lot of electronics come from Japan and the surrounding area so we know they are fantastic at creating great products. But as for cars? Well...

Indian firm Tata went into the record books by beating the odds of all car competitors when they started selling the world's cheapest car. You can pick one up for about £2,200 in the UK, brand new. That's a whole fully working, brand new car for less the 3 grand from the company that owns Jaguar and Land Rover (and Tetley Tea). You may not get a lot of car for your money, it is only basic on luxuries, but you do get enough space for 4 people. Or if you want, a family! Now, that in this day and age is pretty much a bargain, especially as it's much better than a silly mo-ped. Underneath then, that's great. Until you look at the car, that is.

Yes, granted, you're on the inside driving it. But feel for the people on the outside, looking at you in a car with tiny wheels and an odd face. It's not a very charismatic design, is it? And it isn't the only one like this either.

I give to you the Kelisa (top) and the Kenari (bottom) from Perodua. Both of which, like the Nano, are cheap, economy cars from Malaysia. In fact, the Nano took the cheapest car record from the Kelisa in Britain. But, cheap isn't always the best. Put it this way. If you buy a TV, you're going to want a well known brand that makes good sets. You don't want anything that's going to go wrong. An easier metaphorical principle applies with, let's say, cola. Coca Cola is always going to better than Asda Price 17p Cola which is just water and brown. Coca Cola is more expensive but you get a better product and a better flavour; you pay for the quality. Cheap is good in some respects but you know it's cheaply made and therefore essentially a disposable. The Asians can pull it off but you compare to what can be achieved... (Cars, not cola).

That little Austin Se7en (Seven) is about as iconically British as the Royal Family, Tea and Cakes and the Lancaster Bomber. This then shaped itself into people's hearts as the Mini we know, cherish and love to bits. The whole concept of the Mini was, like the Asian cars above, to be cheap motoring. In Japan, these types of cars are called Kei Cars. They're cheap to run, cheap to buy and are tiny in size perfect for the hustle and bustle of a busy metropolitan network. But knowing that the British were at it in the late 50's, it shows you that we were thinking about that sort of thing back then. If only they were still doing that today. BMW Minis are now big cars and they keep getting bigger and bigger. They're cool and fun like the original but the original looks a lot better and is somewhat daintier. A retro throwback that if it's been looked after extremely well, can fetch a decent price because they're so sought after and collectible. Sir Alec Issigonis probably didn't know that they'd become so popular at the time but Mini's have stood the test of time, still fresh looking today and in no way disposable. And if the original beats the Germans attempt at a Mini, then I'm afraid it's going to beat Asia's too.

However, Kei cars are a great concept. They're little run-arounds that are as useful as they are unique. It's the designs that aren't that great and, like I said earlier, something that looks good is half of the package. You get the occasional one that breaks the mould like the sport car off springs such as Honda Beats or Suzuki Cappuccinos but they should all break the mould. When buying a car, depending on your stance on cars, I should think the car you're after has to have a bit of flair; a sense of fun. Buying a car that looks dull and drab only says one thing - You're using it as a tool. Or you can't afford to buy anything that looks better. Which is two things...So what if you don't fall into the first bracket then? You improvise of course!

With a luxury car, like a Bentley, it shows that you like style and performance. A great combination then, for a money-no-object automobile. Yes, they're owned by Volkswagen but they are still designed, produced and assembled in Crewe in England. VW do the engine, we do the rest; a perfect mix if you should ask me. Below is one of the more recent creations from the company behind that Flying B.

This car above is the Bentley Mulsanne. So luxurious, it was unveiled at the Concours d'Elegance on Pebble Beach in California - arguably the most prestige concourse event in the world. This is for cars that, despite age, look and drive as if they were brand new, under extensive repairs and restoration and generally being well looked after by hard working men and woman who want to preserve a cars beauty and passion. Fitting, don't you think, for a car that drips in high quality wood and leather from cows that listen to Mozart in specialist barns? With an emission friendly V8 in the front, this car is built for those who care about craftsmanship and hard graft. It is not a tool. It is used to pose and waft in and cruise.  Now let's see what Japans idea of a car like this.

Ironically, the Galue S50 from Mitsuoka above came before the Mulsanne. However, Bentleys, and of course, Rolls-Royces have always had the same trademarked massive blocky bodies, them googly styled but strong looking headlights and the chrome teeth of them hand built grilles so you can see Mitsuoka have been looking at them for while - Convertible Galues tended to look like the Bentley Azure's of 2001 from the side, ignoring that hideous front end.

(And the Azure below if you're still unaware)

So on the outside, it looks like the Chinese want what we're offering for a knock down price. However, under the hood it isn't all show and no go as Galues can either have a V6 or for the petrol heads among us, it can be fitted with a V8 from a Ford Mustang! This is mad since it was based on a car called Cedric (Nissan). You don't start quaking in fear at Cedric...ahh, but that's dismissed with growly V8 power plant.
Older Galues also looked very reminiscent of Jaguars and Daimlers. So what does that tell you? Mitsuoka's designers are very unlucky with coming up with original ideas or we inspire them? Or do they just steal ideas and present them as knockoffs? With this next car, I don't know which is more fitting.

Above is the Geely GE. It is China's answer to luxury.

This, above, is the Rolls-Royce Phantom. It is Britain's (and Germany's) answer to luxury. Rolls have always built extravagant cars for the rich. It is £300,000 of land yacht. The Geely costs £30,000. Admittedly that Geely is an older model; the newer one looks less like the Phantom. But just by moving the coma, you get a car that looks like the Phantom for less, which is remarkable. You may not get the quality of the Phantom but you do get the basic shape. As a result, I'm yet to decide if it is a rip off (Google likes to say that) or if it's merely inspired by the Phantom. Mind you, Rolls-Royce have always been conscious of their image and they're in a lawsuit over the GE and you have to hand it them, they are staggeringly similar. Even so, out of the two, the Phantom is more striking after all. It is the name you pay for but when it's partnered with the looks, it, like Bentley, is an award winning combination. In a way though, I think Rolls-Royce should be proud of creating such a spark that people enjoy so much, they want it without the expensive drawbacks. Okay maybe that's not good news for Rolls-Royce, as they'd rather not lose customers to China, hence why they made cheaper alternatives (like the Ghost). I do, however, draw the line at the Viewt, also by Mitsuoka.

That, clearly jumping on the Jaguar bandwagon - Mitsuoka - is the horrible love child of the Mark 2 Jaguar and the Nissan Micra...You can keep that one. Just take it away!

So they can do luxury and they can do cheap motoring. But comparing to us, are they left in the dust a little? With that V8 from a Mustang implanted into a Japanese copy, it made me think of what America has to offer the world. Muscle cars and Pony cars gave the soundtrack to America (and even Australia) through the 50's and beyond on the quart'-mile drag strip or between the lights: a big engine in the front, a body as aerodynamic as a brick and a massive amount of power are all the key features of American muscle. Muscle cars were cheap, powerful and fun and sometimes, even practical. When you hear the term muscle car you think Ford, Pontiac, Dodge, Chevvy and Plymouth. You don't think Toyota Celica.

You don't think Mitsubishi Galant GTO.

You don't think Nissan Skyline GT-R.

Truth be told, there's not many Asian Muscle cars out there because they don't seem to be geared towards that area. But when they break loose, they can create some pretty good alternatives. The cars up there are all from the same era that gave us the Ford Mustang, the Dodge Challenger, the Chevrolet Chevelle and the Plymouth GTO. If these above were lined up in with the Americans, they would fit in perfectly without a shadow of a doubt. They may not have the off line grunt of the Yankees but I'd think for cruising in, they're just as good. But again, is it an inspiration or is it copying? More light? Okay...Back to Blighty now as I come to the Lotus Elan.

The original Elan was a happy, little convertible, perfect for the B roads on a sunny day with the canvas down. Whilst America was busy playing with horsepower and churning up rubber, us Europeans were spending our time in gems like this without a care in the world. It was a light weight dream which is now becoming a rare classic. The Japanese, again, wanted to be a part of this too. This Elan ceased production in the mid-1970's but believe it or not this is the result you can see reflected today...

The MX-5 was inspired by the Elan. Even now in the recent models of the MX-5, you can see that there are shades of the old car hiding in there. That air inlet on the front is very similar for a start and car sticks to the same basic ingredients of being a nippy convertible. But to see what they used to be like we just need to turn back the clock 22 years.

The front of the old MX-5 is very Elan-ish. Pop up headlights; again that open mouth; little wheels and the canvas roof, all check the same boxes! Today's MX-5 is basically a modernised old Lotus. And it's not the only 60's sports car, I've seen been imitated either. Look at the profile of this Toyota 2000GT.

And now compare it to the profile of this European sports car - a car described by Enzo Ferrari himself as "the most beautiful car ever built."

Like the Jaguar E Type, the 2000GT has a long bonnet with the reason being that the Jag's hid a V12 and the Toyota was a flat 6, which are roughly the same length. Both have got rounded headed lights, albeit with the 2000GT having pop ups; both have chrome front fenders; they've both got doors that extend beyond the windscreen in a similar fashion; both have air vents on either side of the top of bonnet and both have sloping rear 'fastback' tails. However, the Toyota does win points for rarity over the Jaguar. The E Type sold over 70,000 models (including convertibles) over it's lifespan from 1961 to '74. The Toyota? Only 337. As a result, they fetch high prices at auctions, as of recently, up to $650,000. You could say that they're as iconic as each other then.

Asia is responsible for a lot of pollution. I said so at the start. China create the most green-house gases that are putting our planet in some sort of peril. But can they save the planet? If you've been to London, you may see cars like this go around.

This is a G-Wiz. It's an electric car that isn't a car. It's a quadracycle. Made by REVA in India, it was created to save the planet from pollution, which as we've established comes from Asia. It's got the credentials but that's only the tip of the metaphorical ice-berg. I have in fact been in one and to be honest, it's not the most comfortable car I've been in. Comfort is a major factor in buying a car but let's see what it's like when it comes to safety brought to you - Euro NCAP styly - by our friendly neighbourhood Top Gear.










No matter how many times you see it crash, it's daunting to think that that could be you in the driver's seat, saving the world but evidently not saving yourself. It's horrific from every angle. In a 40mph crash in this, you won't survive. Okay, the Wiz probably won't hit 40mph because it'll run out of electricity before that'll happen, but something could hit it at 40mph and get the same effect. Because it's a quadracycle, it doesn't have to meet regulations of a normal car, hence the reason it wasn't NCAP tested. It also uses Lithium in the batteries, which is mostly found in Chile. That has to be shipped and refined many times before it can go into a car like the G-Wiz or hybrids like the Toyota Prius. Shipping and refining uses energy, so that has to come from somewhere. And even so, the batteries are full of acid so in an accident, if the crash won't get you, then the acid may. It may seem negative but cars like this aren't that good. In order to preserve battery life, everything takes a downer so it's designed to keep as much power as possible. Meanwhile, this is the type of electric car the West can make.

The Lightning GT; a fully electric sports car. Fact. And a lot better looking than the G-Wiz both after and before the accident! Made in Peterborough, the GT's will use an aliminium body to keep weight down but strength up. Lightning say it's lithium-tinanate batteries are good for a minimum of 240km on one charge. That's about 149 miles! No official word on top speed but expect it to be head and shoulders above the Wiz's slow crawl up to 50mph. Something else should apply then. With the G-Wiz, you don't have to pay for road tax, nor, if you're out and about in London, you don't have to pay congestion charge and you get free parking too, all because it creates 0 grams of carbon dioxide per Kilometre. The Lightning offers that too. The same should apply to both. Another point with electric cars is that they cost a bomb! They may pay themselves back but you're going to need 14,000 of your hard earned pound coins to pay for a G-Wiz - which is a lot considering you could buy a Fiat 500 TwinAir for about £11,000 which is a whole lot bigger, a million times better looking and 5 times safer (Euro NCAP rating of 5 - the highest). It still creates pollution but it is still exempt from the congestion charge. The GT is rumoured to be about £120,000 but it does look a damn-sight lot better than that frog eyed monstrosity that is the G-Wiz. I'd know which I'd rather have.

Okay, I'll admit, Asia hasn't come across too well in this round up. I've picked at them for their shoddy designs and blatant copying. But you know what? When they want to, they can produce cars that are as good as their Tv's and Nintendo's. They're pretty good at going mad. Take a look at this...

Heavily modified vans, or vanning as it is called, is part of the culture over there. With these staggering body jobs and tail flares that put any 1950's Cadillac fin in the dark, they could only come out of Japan. And just look at them massive over hangs! I bet they love speed bumps.

Crazy paint schemes with all sorts of cartoon characters and celebrities and more plastic than Katie Price's face adorn these wacky creations. The owners spend a lot of time creating these bizarre vans that would look terrifying in any rear-view mirror. All just to stand out above the rest. And if you don't want to mod a van? You modify a car - by tuning them to the maximum and fitting them with striking body kits, neon under lights, shiny alloys and radical paint jobs, Japanese modification culture has become a big hit over in the states. Ever seen The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift? The cars in that are exactly what you'd expect from Japan. Speaking of which, they also like to drive them sideways in Japan...

The art of drifting was essentially created and pioneered in Japan by Kunimitsu Takahash, the father of drifting. The balance of control, power and grace turns side-ways cars with smoke pouring from the back tires and the smell of burnt rubber and clutch in the air, into a spectacle in itself.

And they also make some pretty awesome concepts. The Mazda Furai is possibly one of the best concept cars I have ever seen.

When I saw this at the 2008 British International Motor Show, the first thing that caught my eye was them headlights. They run down the length of the cars sweeping lines. It sticks to the Mazda shapes but it flows and it's elegant with it's over sized wheel-arches and hunkered down appearance.

They've turned simple cars into common names for the automotive world too.

Subaru have won the World Rally Championship 3 times in their campaign with their Impreza's. Using boxer engines and a 4 wheel drive system under Prodrives regime (who now own Aston Martin), they became serious competitors on the rally scene...much to Mitsubishi's dismay.

The natural born rival to the Impreza has always been the Evolution Lancer series, whether it be on the rally track or on the road. Mitsubishi won the driver's championship 4 times, once more than their rivals. They also had a bit of practice with the Starion before unleashing the force and power of the Evolutions. As a result, Subaru and Mitsubishi have been battling for donkey's years to see who can make the best 4WD cars. Toyota also used to be very good at rallying too, turning the Celica's into dirt track eating monsters.

...And then there's the Nürburgring busting Nissan GT-R SpecV, which, like the stock car, is created in a sealed, scientific environment. Nissan have this awesome and phenomenal technical know-how to hurtle a SpecV GT-R around the Nürburgring in Germany in less than 7 minutes and 25 seconds, which is no small feat as it beats Ferrari's Enzo, Maserati's MC12 and Pagani's Zonda F Clubsport. That's only with a 480 horsepower V6 under the hood, against the might of 651hp from the Enzo, 620hp from the MC12 and 650bhp of the F Clubsport - all of which are fire-breathing thoroughbred track demons that can easily walk to 200mph and beyond - it certainly seems that Nissan have done the automotive equivalent of turning water into wine;

Then there's Mazda 787B racer that won the 1991 24 Hour Le Mans;

Not to mention the F1 designed - by Ayrton Senna himself whilst he was racing with Honda - Ferrari beating Honda NSX, depending on how you look it. It was the same as Michael Schumacher helping out with FXX's of the day;

And now we have the awesome Lexus LFA...

...which I would go as far as saying is the best car to come out of Japan in a very long time. Not surprising seeing that it's £300 grand pricey price tag. With a 4.8 litre V10 producing 552 brake horse power and a claimed top speed of 202mph, it's up there with the likes of Ferrari, Lamborghini and Aston Martin. It goes to show, when this part of the world want to make some serious motors, they can really give the rest of the globe a run for their money with their innovations and technical advancements that leave us Brits, Americans, Italians and Germans in awe at how they do it. The challenge is well and truly on!







Just returning back to Geely, the creators of the knock-off Rolls-Royce, before I wrap up, I guarantee you have seen a Geely and you probably hadn't known it despite probably never of hearing the name before you read this. They are, rather oddly, what is known as a modern take on a British icon. They must be well built and reliable machines because you've seen them around and about, at train stations, maybe airports or even just passing you on the road - literally everywhere. You may have even been in one. I didn't know this until recently but these Chinese cars are slowly becoming a part of our culture and it seems we've warmed to them rather well. For a start, London will not be the same without them for sure. They are also exempt from congestion charge and if you're not swindled and depending on where you go, you can get pretty far for little money. They're being designed to run on planetary friendly hydrogen; they can carry, at the most, 7 people (including a driver) with ease; they have decent luggage space and can come with air-con, iPod connectivity and DAB radio. And I literally had no idea...

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Four: The Gathering

"Gentlemen" Jesus said "we've got a job to do." Andrew approached him.

"This problem we've got with these hordes of deranged people. Are you behind this by any chance?"

Jesus looked at his feet.

"Erm, sorta" he said. "You see, I was on the bus, the driver died and I revived him. It turned out I really shouldn't have done that. I then went find out what these people had become. It turns out they're called...er...zom...zombo's? No...er...ZOMBIES!" The Disciples gasped. "Yes Zombies" Jesus continued. "They are the undead. They feast on your flesh and brains and if you get bitten by one, you become one." He paused, still catching his breath. 

continuing he said "Please, let us be seated and I shall tell you all the excruciating details and what we should do." So the Disciples and Jesus sat down at a long table and he told them of what exactly had gone on.

Bartholomew spoke up.
"We DO need to unite: fight as brothers" he remarked
"What?" questioned Judas
"Hold on Judas, he may be onto something" said Jesus, trying to get the rest of the group to agree with him. He didn't want to face the zombies by himself. After all one versus many is going to end in sheer disaster and is on par with ideas from the annual Ideas from Lunatics awards. Which doesn't exist but should.
Bartholomew said "There's more than enough of us. We've all got our own skills that can be brought forward and help with this monstrous situation."
"But this is Jesus' fault. If he had just waited for a replacement bus and left the driver there, none of this would have happened" Judas added. Obviously Jesus isn't like that and Judas didn't notice this.
"Stop being so defeatist, Judas" said Jude. "We're very fortunate. We have THE son of God on our side. As long as he's around, we won't be harmed," he hoped. "What do they have? A bad walk."
Judas was having none of it and was starting to make excuses.
"You're supposed to love every living thing, aren't you" aiming his comment at Jesus. "You can't attack them if that's the case, it goes against what you've fought for your entire life."
"They're the undead. They have no souls. It's perfectly fine. The peoples brains they have eaten are now safely being looked after in heaven, but we need to stop this from getting out of hand. I say we work and fight together" he said turning to the Disciples.
"Here's my idea but firstly arrange yourself into a line." The Disciples got out of their seats and did as the Lord asked. Jesus started pacing up and down like a military sergeant.
"We need some catchy names. Code names. We don't want to put people off thinking us Disciples are killing machines so it's the best way to go unnoticed. I know it's going against my mums wishes but we need to do this." Jesus walked up to Simon. "What would you like to be called, Simon?" Simon had a bemused look on his face, trying to think of a name for himself.
"How about Peter?" He asked.
"No" remarked Jesus "That's too obvious. For example, I am The Messiah. You are...?" Simon thought again...
"The...Messiah?" It was all he could think of - Think of an elephant. What do you think of? Same principle - Jesus turned. "No, you are not The Messiah..."
"He's a very naughty boy" came a response down the line and the rest roared with laughter, including Jesus.
"Very good...But let's keep the Life of Brian references to a minimum. Thank you" he turned back to Simon. "Look what's attributed to you. You have the keys to heaven" Jesus clicked "You're the Locksmith." Everybody automatically saw what he was on about. He walked to Andrew. "...And you, Andrew will be known as...?"
"The Beard" Andrew proudly voiced.
"I like it" said Jesus and walked to James, son of Zebedee. "And you're name James?"
"Well, I am a Pilgrim, so I'd like to be called The Pilgrim." Jesus continued.
John named himself The Serpent; Philip named himself Breadmaker; Bartholomew, Blade; Thomas wanted to be known as Twin and James, son of Alphaeus opted for Sawtooth; Simon was The Boatsman and Jude was Axemaster. That was until Matthew and Jesus had a bit of a tussle between his choice of name.
"I'd like to be called Angel" he said. Everyone just looked at him
"It's not very threatening. Angels are friendly. They look over you and help you with your desperate needs. It's not like we're going to be helping these zombies" Jesus said.
Matthew went on. "Actually..."
Jesus stood in. "They're not scary"
Then Matthew butted in. "...No, wait! they are. Have you not seen Doctor Who?"

Jesus stood corrected and allowed Matthew to be called The Angel. Jesus finally came to Judas.
"And finally, you are...?" he asked.
Judas still wasn't up for it. "Leaving...I'm not playing this silly game." Jesus stood back and folded his arms. Judas continued, "It's ridiculous. We're attacking them, not giving them counseling. They won't need to our names...I know, why don't we give them our address' too. Then they can find us"
Jesus spoke up "you're such a Judas!"
"I don't get that. What is it with that and my name? I'm going..." Judas replied and he walked to door.
"Nooooooo!" everyone shouted at Judas, opening the door. The horde of Zombies burst through the opening and everyone ran to the door to close it shut.
"Erm, o...ok-k-kay, I think I'll stay here" said Judas, white as a sheet. Jesus stood back again once the door was fully bolted. "Then it's sorted. We'll armour up and wait until this wave has left us alone. The zombies will stop if we cut off contact from their brain to the rest of the body. Acording to Dr Ahban, this can be done with either; A blow to the head. We'll need anything heavy. We're talking iron bars, blocks of wood or baseball bats. Whack to the temple, bam. Straight down. The shock should stop any neurotransmission but if it doesn't, don't stop being repetitive with your strikes. Or we could cut off the head - Of course, smashing their brains to pulp will stop them but knocking their blocks off will do the same job. So anything sharp - Axemaster, Sawtooth, Blade, I'm looking at you especially - you and your tools may very well be extremely handy. We'll also need to find ways of distracting them. Breadmaker, offer them bread to slow them down. Locksmith...I dunno, jingle your keys."

It turns out this was a very covert operation. Everything was planned down to a tee. Every detail that could be thought of in theory was put down and was ready to work in practice even if the idea itself was a load of hogwash. Even Judas got involved much to Jesus' delight. There was a lot of things that could go right but ultimately a lot of things could go wrong so it was a battle of the best against the best, the team really did have their work cut out and they spent the entire night planning, right the way through Daybreak (The Disciples prefer BBC Breakfast anyway. They find Adrian Chiles too boring and Christine Bleakley too orange) and morning light.

"How are we doing, Pilgrim?" Jesus asked.
James went over to the window, peeled back the curtain and gazed out.
"They've gone, my Lord. We're all clear" he piped.
"Then it is settled. For when we leave here, we attack" Jesus said, picking up a wooden club and unbolting the door. "With this new day, we leave here unknowns. We fight for the well being of others. We fight with our strength against theirs. We fight for my Dad, me and thy Holy Spirit as The New God Squad" and he opened the door. "Amen" and the Disciples thundered out of the door in rampage...

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Three: Doctors Orders

Jesus and Arah looked on at the bus and saw the bus driver standing at the door way. The driver just stood there but his guise had changed some-what. He walked with the swagger of man who had just downed 10 pints of industrial strength lager and his flesh was hanging off his frame like burgers from the burger van outside B&Q, draped over a tailors mannequin.

Arah looked at Jesus in horror.

"Well," he said "I've got a train to catch now and I really want to get comfortable before I hit peak rush hour and have to stand up," and he ran away.

"Nnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh" said the bus driver, thoughtfully. Jesus said nothing and briskly jogged to his office, trying to put this incident to the back of his mind. He got to the reception. 

"I've just seen the most weirdest thing," Jesus told his secretary. 

"What?" asked Stephanie.

"The bus driver. He was dead. He died at the wheel so I brought him back to life. He drove the bus here without saying a word. I thought I did the trick but I've just seen him now and he looks like he's come down with a bad skin rash and rickets..." Jesus panicked.

"Wait, you managed to revive a DEAD bus driver and still get here on time? With the SAME driver? And the majority of my buses are never on time? This is the problem with society today and it gets on peoples nerves. People like myself," interrupted the secretary. "So yes, it is weird. Well, if he's okay and hasn't said anything, then I suppose no news is good news." Jesus went up to his office, hoping that his receptionist was correct. 

Being a relatively quiet day, Jesus decided to seek an answer from God about the situation.

"You did what?" boomed the voice.

"I brought a man back to life. I thought I was doing good," Jesus said. The voice replied:

"You've got a lot to learn about this sacred malarky. You can't just bring people back to life at the drop of a hat. I know I gave you the option to do that but I didn't know you knew how to do it," the voice mentioned. "I got a message from St Peter telling me the driver's soul had already passed on. I knew no one would be hurt because I knew you were on board and would help any casualties. The point is, you basically reanimated the corpse. And the problem is, there is nothing controlling the body. It may be the person in form but not the person in mind. I suggest you go see Dr Ahban. He knows about this stuff. He's been studying it for a while."

Jesus was bemused. "I know stuff."

"Yes, but you're not a Doctor" said the voice. "Go now. He'll understand. Tell him I sent you." Jesus said nothing and went to see Dr Ahban about this problem. 

After meeting with him and shaking his hand, Jesus told him what had happened.

"What you are describing there, my Lord," explained Dr Ahban adjusting his glasses "this reanimation and re-perambulation of a corpse - is what is widly known to people around the world as a zombie"

"A wha..." Jesus said, choking on his words and disbelief.
"A zombie. The rising undead. I have a chart" said the Doctor, pulling out his brainstormed ideas.

"Here are some key features of zombies" he continued. Jesus was horrified at what he saw. Some of the words matched the criteria of the bus driver but it wasn't his main concern.
"The bus driver bit man on the bus on the neck. Does that mean...?" Dr Ahban nodded.
"Yes," he said. "Unfortunately, he is now a zombie too." Jesus was taken aback in awe and surprise.
"This is worse than I thought" he added. Then Jesus noticed the phrase in the corner - bash to the head, zombie is dead. This got him thinking.
He asked "you mean to say there's a way of stopping them?"
Dr Ahban replied "yes. A solid whack on the head or a way of stopping the brain from interacting with the rest of the body should stop any zombie dead, but it is not advisable. Remember; if you get attacked, you will become one and there is no way of reversing it." Jesus stood firm and took a deep breath. He was figuring something out...
"Right. This is my responsibility. I made this problem, I'm going to have to solve it. What I'll do is find the bus driver and Achish, the man he attacked and stop them from making this problem a whole lot worse. They may have gone to Heaven now but I don't want anymore people to be meeting St. Peter today. It's my duty... Thank you for your help, Doctor." Jesus said his goodbyes and Doctor Ahban wished him good luck. But unbeknown to Jesus, a surprise was waiting for him outside the door.

Jesus was too late and quickly shut the door behind him.
"This is going to take a lot more people than expected," he said, breathing heavily at the shock. The Doctor sneaked Jesus out the back way where, luckily, none of the undead were. Jesus jumped over the fence and ran as fast as his legs could take him, occasionally looking back. Then he notice one of the zombies notice him.
"Nnnnnneeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr" moaned the zombie and the rest of them looked up and saw Jesus running. Then it clicked...The zombies chased after Jesus at a jaunty pace but he could easily outrun them and he knew where he was going. Running down alleyways and bolting through streets he finally burst through the door of Disciple HQ.
"Gentlemen" Jesus said, catching his breath. "We've got a job to do..."

Jesus vs Zombies - Part Two: Romans and Realisations

"Oh no...surely it can't be...!?"
Jesus was right to question.
"Romans!"
Jesus got out of his chair, ran out of the office and into the path of an army of rampaging Centurions which is where he stood, still and silent in front of them. The army stopped in their tracks, almost confused at the fact that a man would stand up to the scary might of the most powerful army the world has ever seen.
"Who goes there!?" shouted one Roman.
"It is I. Son of God, Lord to the people. Jesus of Nazareth. You are terrorising my people. You are not worthy of this place. Be gone." he sincerely voiced to the Roman. The Roman stepped forward, not knowing what he was about to get himself into. He walked right up to Jesus.
"What was that?" he threatened. Jesus just looked down his nose at him.
"I said, be gone" warned the Lord. The Roman took another step forward.
"No." he remarked.
"Very well" Jesus retaliated. "You leave me with no choice" and he stepped away from the Roman and turned his back on the army, who were now even more confused. Jesus then turned around in a beam of brilliant, bright light to the sound of an Angels choir. The wind picked up and blew sand all over the place. The soldiers were covering their faces, protecting their eyes from the sand.
Jesus boomed, "My father gave you free will to do as you chose but this really takes the biscuit. You may believe what you want to believe but one slip up, especially in my presence, you'll be sentenced to an eternity of pain and suffering." The wind picked up even more, turning into vortices's that surrounded Jesus. The Romans were petrified. Some of them dropped their swords and shields and turned back as quickly as they arrived. The rest soon followed, too scared to even look back.
"You have been warned!" the Lord told. The choir and the wind died down and the street fell silent again.
"Lord, that was amazing. I didn't know you could do that" said Hashabniah.
Jesus chuckled "Well, you would think that Hashabniah. I didn't. I said it myself, they can believe what they want to believe. Just goes to show that there's a bit of my word in them Romans. They merely did it themselves. They believed it." Jesus left him with that thought and walked back to the office.
"I think I'm going to call it a day Stephanie. I'm bushed after that confrontation. It's hard summoning angels on a good day. If you could lock up for me that would be ever so good" Jesus told his secretary.
"You're the boss" she replied. Jesus then set for home...He walked today rather than his more conventional way. It was a nice day so he thought he'd make the most of it.

"I'm home mother" he said, walking through the door.
"You're home early" Mary said.
"I know I had a run in with some Ro...ermm, awkward people. I soon turned them away. They won't be back for a while" said Jesus.
Mary butted in.
"Have you been messing about with them Romans again? Look. I've told you, you can't go converting people like that. It's not morally correct."
Jesus tried to explain.
"But, I'm not. They did it themselves. Besides, you're telling me that if you had the power, you wouldn't flaunt it?" he asked.
"Powers or no powers, you shouldn't do it. Now, if you had a secret alias and a cape then yes, probably. But because people need to know who you are, I think it's best left out of the equation" added Mary. Jesus was getting ideas. "You mean like a vigilante?" he thought...

"It could be argued that I have powers of in the realms of 'super' classification. And, I am a man. Yes, that's it. From now on I shall be known as Man that is Super!" he laughed ironically. Mary didn't like this.
"Son, stop being so delusional! You can't do that. Besides, Bruce Wayne has beaten you to it."
Jesus had to correct her. "Mum, I think you'll find that's Batman."
"Whatever, the point is I don't want you getting into trouble. I don't care if you are the son of the man upstairs or not, when you're living under my roof, you live by my rules." Jesus looked up and thought to himself "I'm not related to Mr Jenkins in the flat above, am I?"

Jesus went to his room to carry on his carpentry on his chair and thought about what his mother had said as well as the busy day he had encountered.

The next day came. Jesus woke up and looked at his clock. "7 o'clock on a Friday...weekend last day, it's the weekend tomorrow." So he got out of bed and freshened himself up with a quick shower. He browsed through his cereal choice and opted for Choc n Roll today, his favourite. He looked out the window. The clouds were looming in over Nazareth.
"It's the bus for me today" he thought to himself, picking up his briefcase. Jesus got to the bus stop and he bumped into his friend Arah the Traveller.
"Jesus C...how's it going?" asked Arah.
"Hi, Arah, how are you today?" Jesus replied. "Not too bad, I was thinking about walking to work this morning but these grey clouds are very daunting. It looks like a storm is brewing. And then I thought, if I can't walk, what would you do? So I decided to take the bus" Arah explained. Jesus told him about what happened the day before and how he averted the crisis, "It was out of the blue, y'know." The bus soon arrived and the two friends got on board. The bus was relatively empty, apart from a typical number of old codgers. Not that this phased the friends. They, like any of the other cool kids, took the back seat. The driver however looked a bit worse for ware. He looked very frail and ill but despite this, wanted to carry on with his journey. The bus was soon on it's way down the road...

That was until the bus came to an absolute dead stop. The bus driver was unconscious. Jesus looked at his watch and said "quarter to seven. I need to be at the office at 8. Let's see what's up..." So he went to the bus driver to find out what was wrong. The driver was slumped over the steering wheel, cold and knocked out flat. Jesus checked his pulse. Nothing. Jesus looked glum.
"Poor chap" Jesus thought. Arah came over.
"You know you've got a reputation for being a miracle maker?" he asked.
"It's something that I don't want promote, I'm just doing my job at the end of the day. It's more of an occupation," Jesus added.
"Well, you've got healing hands. Why not try and revive this man. You'll get to work and this man could enjoy a few more years living. What do you say?" Arah went on. Jesus was unsure. He had never done anything like this before. He has helped people but never like this.
"I'll see what I can do" he said and he put his healing hands on the mans head. Light shone out of his fingertips. The bus began to shake violently but Jesus kept his strain. Then it stopped as quickly as it started.
Arah asked "has it worked?" Jesus genuinely didn't know and so didn't answer. A fellow passenger, a man, had lost his patience.
"Right that's it. I'm really agitated now. I'm late for work and I demand to know what's going on." The bus driver stood up and groaned.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr"
"Calm down Achish, we've got this under control." Jesus lied, not knowing what to do at the fact the dead driver just stood up.
"No you haven't! I demand to know what's happening!" The bus driver slowly pointed at Achish! "Oi, get this bus moving now, you useless old man. I don't want to be late for work" Achish demanded. He was going red in the face and was very frustrated now.

The bus driver groaned again and sat back down and carried on the journey.
"Well it worked" said Arah.
"We'll wait until we reach our destination until we see if the bus driver is okay. He looks fine-ish" Jesus said.

The bus reached it's stop.
"I'm getting my money back from this trip. It has been the worst customer service ever" said Achish "I wasn't satisfied with my journey." Jesus, Arah and the rest of the travelers gave Achish room to confront the driver and so got off.
"Okay, but don't do anything too daft. I still need to make sure he's okay," Jesus called. That's when it all kicked off. There was a lot noise and then a scream from Achish who came running out of the bus clutching his bloodied neck.
"He bit me. The silly old man bit me!" Achish shouted as he ran away in terror.
"Wait, come back" Jesus shouted. Then there was a thud and he and Arah looked on at the bus and saw the bus driver standing at the door way...