Jesus vs Zombies - Part One: In The Beginning...

I know it's called the Observation Blog and is full of my outlook on the world. But this is technically a story, and it all came about from me observing something my friend Rowan sent to me the other day on Facebook that he 'shopped whilst we were still at school. In fact, here it is...

This prompted me to write the story of Jesus vs Zombies -  a one-off one of the kind story, written in a not too dissimilar vein to that of the story of Thy Holy Vending Machine. In the words of Rainier Wolfcastle from The Simpsons "Eet is a mixture of action und comedy" (as told as accurately as I can possibly write it). It really is a story of two halves - A tale and accompanying it, my own dodgy photoshop attempts. Once this is out of the way, I'll get back onto writing my observations. Please note, this isn't insulting, it's just a bit of fun. Read it all and you'll find out who wins. Whether you're for Christianity or Zombianity, this isn't making fun of either...anyway...

And this story goes a little like this...

It was a quiet, sunny Thursday afternoon in Nazareth, AD30. The shops were open as usual, the people where contented with their lives and jobs and everything was going fantastically well. It is as typical as you'd expect in a place and a time like this. 

"Isn't it a fine day, Mara?" announced Asher the Happy to his wife. 

Mara the Miserable replied "you can talk. I think I have leprosy, I'm going to be sacked from my job and I didn't win the lottery last night."

"I know of a local man who can help you in your time of need. He lives down the road and he's got a reputation of being a wise and learned man with very good contacts" Asher told his wife. "I can pop over later and ask when I pick up Lamech from school. He's very good. Do you remember Mahlon the Sick? The Chef...? Kept vomiting all the time...he did the catering at your sisters wedding" 

His wife nodded in agreement "ah yes. We were advised to stay away from the vegetable soup," she said. 

"Well, this guy had a stern talking with him and now Mahlon is no longer sick. The only thing he's sick of now is his name. People say he works miracles." Mara was intrigued so she urged her husband to go and check this man out. True to his word, Asher left early to try and catch the wise and learned man who helped Mahlon the Sick stop being sick. Asher walked into a marvelous building where the man with these answers was based. He came to the reception and said a nervous "hello." 

"Hello there sir, how may we be of service to you today?" questioned the receptionist. 

"Yes, I've heard that there was a man that may be able to help my wife..." replied Asher. The receptionist told Asher to go to the third floor and down the corridor to room number 302. Asher followed her directions and knocked firmly on this door.

"Please come in" said a heavenly voice. "I've been expecting you. I've have been told that your wife has been having some difficulties"

"H...h...how did you know that I was going to be paying a visit? And my wife. How do you know about her?" said Asher, nervously. 

"Divine intervention, I think it's called. Nah, only kidding! Stephanie just gave me a buzz over the intercom. She told me all the details, it's fine. I'm not here to scare you, my brother. Please. Take a seat and we shall begin." spoke the man. Asher took refuge on the big sofa that adorned the mans office. "I'm Jesus" said the man. Asher sat bolt upright. "You!" Asher was shocked. "You!" He said again. "That Christmas. 30 years ago. It was you. Th...th...the virgin birth. Almighty son of God!" Jesus looked at Asher.

"Now, now...there's no need to use my, or dads name in vain. Please. Relax. I'm here to help you. Please, tell me. What is the matter with your wife?"

Asher, sitting back in the large sofa, said "She's very upset. She didn't win the lottery last night. She was furious that Dale Winton didn't pick her numbers. I told her the lottery doesn't work like that but she refused to listen to what I have to say."

"Yeah, I'm not that sort of 'help' per say. I mean, I can perform miracles but predicting the lottery numbers...I'm not Derren Brown" Jesus remarked. 

"Well, she's also scared about losing her job. It's bringing her down ever so much. What can you do in this instance?" Jesus handed Asher a leaflet. 

"We're trying to branch out to different locations around the nation and indeed the world so get your wife to join and she'll be in the job forever. We've got loads of positions going. Organ players. Prayer readers. You name it, I think she'll fit right in here" Jesus continued. Asher looked on in awe and a huge smile spread across his face as if to say that this was perfect. "And finally" Asher spoke up. "My wife is very ill. She has the worst disease known to man (at the moment). She thinks she is a Leper my Lord." 

"Let me seek some advice and guidance...Daaaaaad!"

A voice boomed "What is it?"

"A man needs some help with his wife. Any advice?" Jesus beamed as saw a page open up on his computer screen and so he typed...

...but the internet connection was down even though the router had been turned off and back on again many times.

"It's not working Dad!" Jesus shouted at the ceiling.

"Try giving him our offer" the ceiling said.

"What I can do you, is a deal. I've got this handy all in one package that cures leprosy and whole load of other diseases, including blindness and also give access to all the inns in Bethlehem as rehabilitation. There's one with this fantastic stable, I recommend it. It's not as quick as my healing hands but it does the job but I'd say it's a bargain. You are getting all this from a man you can trust...even though you've only just met me." said Jesus "we'll even throw in a donkey to take you to your retreat. Just get your wife to follow the instructions and simply follow the bright light."

"Why thank you Lord. I shall take that" finished Asher and he paid for his handy package and was away to pick up his son and tell him the good news about this 'miracle.'

Jesus sat back in his big office chair, thinking about the job he did very well. 

BUUUUUZZZZZZZ "My Lord, we've got a major disturbance outside!" came the intercom.

"Stephanie, don't do that. You scared the me out of me. What seems to be the problem?" Jesus exclaimed.

"There's a massive group of people. They just ran away in terror." replied his secretary. Jesus had to think about this. What could the group of townspeople be running away from? 

"Lions? No...Aliens? I mean, seriously. Life on other planets? Dinosaurs? Pffft, doubt it." Then he stopped in an eerie silence and his face dropped. "Oh no...surely it can't be...!?"

Keeping your eyes on the road = Really difficult in some parts of the world

Yes, that's right. I've started putting up videos on here. I did it for my 2010 roundup last year and never really touched up on it. Put simply, I'm going to share with you, the best videos - be them viral or otherwise - from the internet, starting with this.

Be warned: If you don't expect it, you will cack yourself. So, if you're not good with them "look for the ghost...looking for ghost...where's the ghost? Blaaaaaarrr!!" videos then be careful with this. You have been warned.





I saw this on TopGear.com and was filmed in the Yoo Ess of Ay. Where else? You don't expect it because I bet you, you were staring at the truck, waiting for something to happen. And then it hits you. Or the car. What seems to be a happy, mundane drive in the car soon turned into a pant-wetting scenario of horror as a plank of wood gets kicked up and skewers the cars windscreen. It just show how close to disaster this driver was inches from a terrible accident. According to the videos description, the driver was fine and managed to live to tell the tale. But, answer me this; (and the comments on Top Gear show that I'm not the only one who thinks this) why was this woman filming the big rig AND driving? Driving without due care and attention? It's crazy. But combine that with the random plank smashing its way into your cars cockpit...oooh, she's not going to stop the screaming in her head for years!

Horoscopes

So, my month analysing horoscopes and recording the outcome has terminated...quite a while a go. It's now April and I wrote that up in February. In fact, I got this idea that I should a simple overview after reading through them and giving my honest, heartfelt conclusion. It was a month long experiment to see if horoscopes actually did hold some truth. I thought that the single one wouldn't give a big picture; it was always hit and miss. Now that I've read what they have said throughout the entire month, I have come to this remarkable conclusion:

It's hit and miss. But mostly miss.

Click here to read week one
Click here to read week two
Click here to read week three
Click here to read, yep you guessed it, week four

Some scientists...in fact, these scientists...

...have said that horoscopes and astrology is actually a something that is known in the science business as a pseudo-science. This means that there is not enough fact to back up the argument and so to class it as a science, it has to have the prefix 'pseudo-' which means something that isn't true; something it's not. Science is of course the study to find answers. So it's actually saying "we have some answers but there's a high chance of them being false." 

As far as I'm concerned it is a load of hogwash. The majority of the time, it was reused hash. Like the photography stuff! It was mentioned at least twice throughout the month. Go back and see for yourself. 

There was some accuracy with what I was reading but how much of it was pure accuracy? And not what is called 'cold calling' where a thought is given and then we try and build fact around it. This is more logical. There must be many people born under the pisces sign in the world and The Sun is read by Britain, that's surely a fraction less but that still leaves many people. Does what Mystic Meg say apply to all them pisces? And that's only one sign, there's 11 more. Which leads me onto my next point...

Are they supposed to be used as guidance? Do we read them to give us the get up and go and think 'because it's written in the stars, then it's going to happen because the stars know all?' Not true in my case. I made effort to follow the guidance but whatever it said, the opposite happened. I don't if I was doing anything wrong. Maybe I wasn't willing enough to make it happen properly but I at least made an effort and surely that's gotta account for something? Sometimes it was a matter of doing what isn't convenient, like traveling north for example (February 2nd) or meeting in a sports venue (22nd). It doesn't say what type of venue and it doesn't say how far North? 

Or do they tell the future? Do they tell you what is going to happen regardless? No. I proved this is not so. They don't. 

So are they supposed to change your outlook? Do they give inspiration to do it in gradual time. If this was the case then this would make more sense. But it needs to make sense first. I can't work with it if it's not fully understandable. It'd be like getting flatpack furniture from IKEA and realising that the middle bit of the instructions are there. You vaguely know how to start but you don't know what it'll end up looking like as a finished product. And then of course, it hit me...

It's all down to superstition. Future events being foretold; happening before they actually do. Now, I don't believe in superstitions. That way, they won't hurt you. The only thing that makes you think you'll get bad luck by smashing a mirror or walking under a ladder is your mind. And vice versa for good luck. If you don't believe, it won't do anything to you. And that sort of applies with horoscopes. The stars may say it but you don't have to listen. Just go out and make it happen without Clever Mercury or the Moon and it's amazing sixth sense ability getting in the way. It'll feel like you've actually done it then rather than it being the sole responsibility of a planet. You are you're own person. Don't let the solar system take control of your life because that just sounds silly. The only real benefit I can see me getting out of these star signs is that for me, it gives me the chance to occasionally say "I am a fish." Now whose the silly one?

For my next experiment, I shall attempt to live my life without Horoscopes!

Megalikes.net just keeps on giving, doesn't it?

Lo and behold, another post thanks to the generosity of Facebook like website, Megalikes.net. Last time I questioned human intelligence with the sob story of the guy who wasn't blind, who gave his eyes to a girl who was blind just to marry her. She said no and now he's blind forever!  However, I found this one that questions this fact even more! I always thought Facebook was the MySpace for the generation of people who outgrew MySpace with it's bulletin notifications and other things I forget. It was the chance to avoid it. But that trend just packed their bags and moved to Zuckerbergs network like the internet gypsies they are. This made me laugh though:

HOW TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU'RE INSANE
Follow them around the house everywhere
Moo when they say your name
Run into walls
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion
Jump off the roof, trying to fly
Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people
At everything they say yell, Liar
Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard"
Try to swim in the floor


Might I add that it made me laugh for the wrong reasons.


Firstly, doing them things will not only make your parent's think you are insane, it'll also make the insane think you're just trying too hard. As far as instructions go, these are pretty bold in their claims. It will indeed lead them to believe you are going mad but which of these shows insanity? Let's have a look at some of them.

Follow them around the house everywhere - Sure, you may do that if you are a toddler who doesn't want their mum or dad to be out of sight because to them it's comforting, knowing they have a protector in distance incase something they think something like a goblin is about to jump out of the cupboard or a shark is going to eat you. Toddlers are very deceptible like that and so it's natural. It doesn't mean to say they're insane though. If you do it, for example, whilst out and about, it may just look like you need your parents 24/7. In which case other people will think you're not going mad, but don't want be left alone. It'll make your friends think you're insane, not your parents.

Moo when they say your name - Very hard not to think you're going mad especially when you are actually a calf. It's just their way of saying "yes" I suppose. It isn't mad cow disease. Again, you'll get odd looks from people but don't expect them to sit next to you on the bus.

Run into walls - Back to the blind story again ergo not mad. Running into walls may be funny if it was on YouTube but it really hurts and not something you'd like to bring up whilst in hospital. "So how did you break you nose, exactly?"
"I ran into the wall."
"And why did you do that?"
"To prove to my parent's that I'm insane..."
"And are you insane?"
"No, I'm just trying to make my parent's think I am"
At this point, you will be thrown out of the hospital and maybe arrested for foolishness.

Say that wearing clothes is against your religion - This is not a case of insanity. It is in face a case of belief. If your religion says this and this is what you believe, it does not automatically give you the IQ of a lettuce. On the flip side, naturists are constantly walking around in the buff. It doesn't mean to say that they are part of some sort of mad cult from the future.

Where a sticker that says "I'm a retard" - Unless you want to get more odd looks from your fellow members of the people race, I suggest doing something with a bit more pizazz. This is just lazy. It's to the point but it's just a sticker at the end of the day. Not even the medically insane where a sticker with that on. So why should you?

Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, "good morning sunshine" - Like running into walls, this won't do your face any favours either. People react differently to shocks. Some back away others don't. Your parents know you better than anyone else but their brain might not and so they may just see this grinning weirdo hanging over them and try and punch them away. At which point they're going to ask why you're doing it and you're going to reply "to make you think I'm insane." Another resulting blow to the head is then inevitable.

Alternatively, you could change a few things to that list to make it more applicable. For example, don't moo when your name is called, just rock back and forth uncontrollably. Again, don't run into walls, run into a lake. Don't try to swim in the floor, merely swim ON the floor. You don't need to try to fly because you know you will. And don't just call people liars. It's probably not true. Just say "I've taken the context of what you have said into consideration and have come up with an indefinite and reliable answer and I suggest you think about it...did you get how Lost ended?" Besides, you're bound to get someone who'd like to abuse the fact they keep calling you a liar ("He doesn't like being beaten up." "LIAR!") And don't say you see dead people because although no one will believe, they'd just think you're quoting The Sixth Sense.

Facebook audience who liked it, I'm aiming this squarely at you!

A "what do you do in this instance?" moment brought to you by Megalikes.net

You know the deal with Facebook and liking things, right? I'm hoping you do, for the sake of this piece. In theory, one shouldn't be picking things he finds off the internet to bits and analyse them for the sake of a pokey blog post. But this is the Observation Blog, so tough.

I have read some crazy bum shizzly in my 19 year existence but this takes the realms of human intelligence to whole new level. It's absurd, especially when almost 25,000 people like it. But which part do they like? The sob story or the jilt story? I didn't know whether to cry with sadness or laughter. Take a read of this and see where my point is:

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying..... "Just take care of my eyes dear." i'll always love you forever..


That was lifted straight from Megalikes.net. It is what appears to be a story that tugs at the heartstrings. A blind girl gets the chance to see the world thanks to her significant other with the added benefit that both of them will get married. Trouble is, the guy gave her his eyes so she could see and then she changed her mind. All in days work for the internet. You don't even have to be scientist to prove that this is ridiculous. Okay, maybe you do. I mean, there has got to be something to do with the donor being compatible with the donee. You can't just go putting parts of your anatomy willy-nilly into other people (oi!). For one, the body may reject it and so on. And on an even more serious note, you can't donate eyes! They're implanted into the brain and set into the skull. He's going to have to have the front of his face pulled off, just to get his eyes out. Seems like a lot of palaver just to get someone to marry them. Talk about desperate. The cornea on the other hand...but it doesn't say that!

Here's another thing; if the girl said she would marry him and then said no, she's getting something for nothing. Like it was just a ply just to gain some eyesight. It leaves the guy of the story blind. She now sees that this guy is also blind. It's all happened very quickly. I can only assume that this guy has already got his dark glasses and guide dog without failing to notice that his eyes have been physically pulled out of his brain like the weeds in your front lawn. More to the point, are we thinking that the girl has been blind her entire life? Because if that was the case, how would she know what the note said. She wouldn't be able to ask anyone what it says because she didn't like anyone.

And why did she refuse to marry him? A bit shallow isn't it? Just because one part of that person doesn't work properly, doesn't mean to say the rest of it is broken. His hearing and touch will adapt to be brilliant. All the while, she has to adjust to working something that she's never had to before. If you've seen the film At First Sight you'd know what dangers this girl would have to put up with. The character Val Kilmer plays in it falls for a woman who he massages. She pays for him to have eye surgery so he can see her. It doesn't go well and he finds it hard to adjust and I think he gets violent. I went to bed at this point and don't know how it ended. I'm not guessing well. It wasn't exactly Top Secret to start with anyway. And that's what's going to happen to her! She's going to get violent and then turn off.

Can I say "more to the point?" again? Well, yes. Can you cry if you're eyes have been taken out of your head? And how can you write a letter without sight? Have you ever written something with your eyes closed? It's really difficult, you don't know if you're writing on a straight line or keeping equal spacing with your letters. It may just end up a jumbled mess. Like Wayne Rooney has tried to write his own name. Faces on the other hand are much funnier with closed eyes.

even with )bad) touch tyoe skills like my own, you still get soem mistkeas.
Sorry. Even with touch type skills, like my own, you still get mistakes. So yes, heart-tugging story with a terrible out come. It seems the moral of it really is "it's better to rip someone's face off and have their eyes and hate everyone" The End

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